Confronting Mortality, These Bachelor Delights, & an Extremely Aggressive Cookie Pitch ☠️🌹🍪
I’ve never been afraid of dying. It wasn’t exactly a thing I wanted*, but for as long as I can remember, I was always certain that death was really just more of a gateway to another journey instead of the end of everything. So it wasn’t something I feared. In fact, I’ve actually kind of looked forward to the idea of shifting off Earthside and finally getting some goddamn answers…like, did anyone have a crush on me in high school? Who actually killed JFK? Was Chris Hardwick sexually attracted to me when we met that one time? Is the Illuminati real and if so, can it be confirmed that Gwyneth Paltrow is its true and faithful leader?
But then December happened. December was death.
Back to back to back, it was just…all death. Two relatives passed away (an uncle and my SIL’s mom), one shortly after the other, both relatively young. I’m not a stranger to death, but there’s just something about family dying during the holidays that is just so…I don’t know. I found myself thinking of all those Christmases and Easters during childhood and how you think it’s going to be like that always (and even more that that, how bored you are with the thought that it’s going to be like that always). And now you’re 40-something, that one person’s gone forever, and every time you hear “Feliz Navidad” you get sad thinking about how it used to be your older brothers’ favorite Christmas song and how you’re wishing that you could go back and just fully soak in the joy of dancing and singing along to that song with him instead of always wanting to rush on to the next thing, hurry up and get to adulthood already.
But that is also the exact sort of thing that adults warn you about all the time when you’re a kid, and you always roll your eyes at it! Because you’re not supposed to look around at age 8 and think, “man, someday all of these people are gonna start to die and I am really going to miss this, so I should probably learn to cherish these moments as they come!”
Then - and yes, I know this sounds so silly and sort of stupid - the rest of season 6 of The Crown premiered in December. And my god, if the whole entire thing wasn’t just death after death of these hugely monumental historical figures. Though it wasn’t really the death part of it that hit me so hard; it was this realization that these people had lived these enormous lives on the world stage, that they had done and experienced so much throughout their time on earth, and were now exiting this lifetime having used it to make an indelible mark on the world.
To ground that idea outside of queens and princesses, a lot of my fellow Red Wingers experienced a terrible loss when a pillar of the community passed away unexpectedly at the end of November. I didn’t know him very well; he was a field instructor with the Red Wing Environmental Learning Center (ELC), and I was always more of an “indoor” kid. I literally remember classmates talking about him, though, and it was always obvious from their tone how deeply admired and beloved he was.
And I have to tell you…if you’re in the mood for a good cry + want to be inspired per the absolute best way to have people remember you after you’re gone, read the guestbook comments on his obit/memorial site.
So anyway. Not to make it about me - but this is my newsletter, so obviously I’m going to - all of this happening together in December had me seriously confronting my own mortality and thinking more deeply about legacy and time.
The thing is, you would think that I had already parsed this out two decades ago when Hansel (my on-again/off-again boyfriend) died. Yet Hansel dying never made me look around and think, “Wow, life can end at any moment, we really need to cherish every second”…in fact, I fucking hated whenever I heard someone say something about how something like that would make them want to live each day to the fullest. Because the truth is, at least for me, that kind of death made me feel the opposite. It made me resent life, and time, and resent each passing day that I had wake up and still be alive with the memory of Hansel not being alive anymore.
So it’s just…not very tight or poetic that the quick and unexpected death of an uncle I wasn’t even close to is what made it truly sink in that maybe I don’t have all the time in the world to accomplish the things I want to do before I shove off. And if I don’t want to leave this world feeling like I didn’t do everything with this life that I wanted to, then maybe I should…I don’t know…start doing that stuff…?
I starting thinking about how, if I only had 3-4 years to live, I know exactly what I would do with that time. I would work like hell to complete the stories I know I came here to tell, and I would travel the world.
There are other things that came to mind, too, like making out with someone hot, working on a movie set, spending time with my family and friends, and ruining the lives of my mortal enemies (the ones whose lives I haven’t already ruined, ftr), but those are more, like, things you do in your spare time or when you need a break from the grind, y’know?
So then the obvious question came up: Why am I not doing those things now?
And instead of replying (to myself) with a bunch of excuses, I simply decided that I would.
You may have noticed a new design to this Substack + my website 💅🏻. That’s part of it. This newsletter? It’s the start of it. I’ve done the thing before where I’ve made big declarations and drew up audacious plans and swore to myself and others that this time would be different, and to be honest, I used to hate that about myself. Now I love it, though, because all of that ended up just being really great practice for the past year, when I started setting the right goals for myself and then consistently accomplished them. Now when I make a big-time commitment to myself, it’s with the kind of steel-trap determination that won’t be rattled by a goddamn thing.
Not even when January blew in and was like, “Oh bet? No cap? Sounds tight, let’s test it.”
But that is for next week, when I’ll tell you all about budget cuts and mah birthday…two things that, surprisingly enough, do NOT go together 🥰
*I mean, sometimes I did, but those were, like, super bummer times
The Bachelor is BACK, BABY!!!
I am LOVING this latest season of The Bachelor.
I think the last time I watched a full season of The Bachelor was Arie’s, back in 2018. I’ve half-heartedly caught a few episodes of each season since then, but with the exception of Matt James, the last handful of Bachelors were BORINGGGGG. Even Arie was a letdown. I tried to watch The Golden Bachelor because I loved that the franchise was trying something new and also because one of the last women standing used to date one of my best friend’s BIL’s, but tbh, I just couldn’t get into it.
But Joey, man. With Joey we are BACK, baby!!! Back to living, back to laughing, back to LOVING. He’s so fun and funny and isn’t afraid to look stupid on camera and you can tell that he’s actually a really kind person. And he is sooooooo cuuuuuuuute, you guys!!
And the dates. The DATES. Last week, in Malta? With the Maypole of meats and cheeses that the girls had to try to catch in their mouths?!
And then the opera singer coming out of nowhere, like we were in a comedic, whimsical movie??? I was laughing and kicking my legs, screaming with delight.
I’m also loving the girl-on-girl drama this season. I never make any hard or fast villain statements anymore because we know from Courtney Robertson and Olivia Caridi that what we think we see isn’t always the full truth. Boy oh boy, though, it sure was fun watching Sydney absolutely lose it and cry about being “tortured” by Maria while Maria was just out there, living her best life. I mean, not for nothing, but watch those episodes back and tell me if there’s not a little part of you that thinks, “huh…I wonder if Sydney will end up being the true-life subject of a Lifetime movie in ten years”?!
And the stuff with Jess…chef’s kiss a million, trillion times…🤌🏻
The only 👎🏻 thing about this season is that it’s so good that it’s been distracting me from my other Bachelor focus, which is to revive the ol’ recaps. Hulu has some of the best older seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette available for streaming, and I’m currently working on plugging the holes of the seasons I already recapped*, after which I’ll start recapping the seasons that I skipped altogether.
I’m currently working on Jake Pavelka’s season, but I think in the next few weeks I’ll also start trotting out some of recaps that were the biggest hits during the old blogging days, just so those of you who missed that era can see what you’re in for 😉
*I used to get exhausted/bored by the time we got to Hometown Dates and would often just start skipping episodes because A. I couldn’t be bothered B. it wasn’t like anyone was paying me
Aggressively Recommend:
It’s Cookie Time!
If you’re like me and you don’t like going places and thus you miss out on the tables at the mall and grocery stores full of smiling Girl Scouts, then my friend, have I got the hook-up for you!
Why am I sharing two different links? Because they are selling different cookies!! Different cookies for different regions! And let me tell you - the shipping is usually around $12 which admittedly sucks, but if you buy enough boxes or go in with your friends, that shipping starts to feel like nothin’!
Like, think of the possibilities - Thin Mints in your freezer, year-round! You’re watching the new season of Bridgerton this spring and you’re like, hmm, y’know what would go great with this fancy cup of fuckin’ tea? Trefoils, the Girl Scout version of shortbread cookies, the proceeds of which go towards providing self-esteem and leadership skills to girls!! You show up to an Easter gathering not with wine, but with Lemon-Ups, which, btw, are also supremely delightful while watching “Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy” or literally anything that has anything do with Capri. 9 months from now, when most people can only DREAM about stuffing their face with some Tagalongs, you’ve still got some boxes in that pantry, baby! And not only that, but the money you spent on those cookies went to giving girls valuable life experiences such camping trips, horseback riding, and museum excursions! My niece even got to go on a cruise on Lake Michigan, which may or may not have directly contributed to her being a state swimming champion!!!*
AND, for a limited time, you can get $5 off your shipping cost for orders of 6 or more packages when you order from one of these young ladies!
I swear to god, if you don’t order some goddamn Girl Scout cookies…
*It didn’t - she was already a swimming phenom - but it’s easy to believe that they could still be related!!!
That’s it for this week!
Forever your girl,
-AC