This week on The Bachelorette, we got to go to the hometown of each remaining Rose Bud (Lumpy Space Princess Chris, Jef With One F, Arie, and Sean) to meet their families and pretend-sweat it out over whether or not they’ll approve or Emily.
And yes, it was just as boring as it sounds.
Read MoreWhen The Hills first premiered on May 31, 2006, I was 27, and had just moved from Northern Wisconsin to Minneapolis, Minnesota, where I was renting a tiny bedroom in a South Minneapolis bungalow while I worked as a counselor for a maximum-security unit of male juvenile offenders. After losing the better part of my early twenties to lonely, dead-end stints in Iowa and Wisconsin, an intense, troubled romantic relationship that had ended in fatal tragedy, and the deep, dark maw of grief that had swallowed me whole afterward, moving to Minneapolis felt like a fresh beginning…a chance to finally start the kind of glittering, cosmopolitan life I had been putting on hold for so long.
Read MoreThe thing about Troop Beverly Hills is that every moment is just a joy…it’s written and shot so as to be a pure delight, and it delivers. Based on creator and producer Ava Ostern Fries' “true-to-life anecdotes” of leading her daughter’s area brownie troop, it features a beautiful, fashionable, plucky heroine, a handsome hunk of an estranged husband/dad, a troop of girls I could actually see myself being friends with (or whom might actually be nice to me while they gently turned down the offer of my friendship), some adult situations (which was my favorite kind of thing in a movie, second only to rich people stuff), and a campy romp into the lives of the Beverly Hills rich and famous.
Read MoreTo me, Beverly Hills, 90210, is sunshine, blue skies, and palm trees; airy California houses with sandstone-colored walls in nice, quiet neighborhoods; the Louis Vuitton Chantilly purse; “All For Love” by Bryan Adams, Sting, and Rod Stewart; dreaming about moving out to sunny LA, buying a convertible, and working on movies like The Three Musketeers; wearing bodysuits with Guess jeans and mod headbands; going to bright, sprawling malls with sky lights; going to see Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves in the movie theater, crushing over Christian Slater, and spending a week of summer vacation waking up early just to sit in front of Vh1 all day and wait for them to play the music video for Bryan Adam’s “Everything I Do, I Do It For You”; dreaming about moving to the sunny South of France and buying a castle with Bryan Adams while he sings that song to you every night before you go to sleep; sporting L.A. Gear high tops, scrunchy white socks, polka-dot cotton bike shorts, and (shamefully) Hyper-Color t-shirts; smelling like Neutrogena, Sun-In, and Love’s Baby Soft (or Exclamation, if you wanted people to think you were experienced); and having endless, heated debates with your friends over who you wanted to be your boyfriend - Brandon or Dylan.
Read MoreWelcome to the A Very Carter Christmas version of Return To Christmas Creek!
Our adventure in schmaltz opens up by giving tribute to the true star of any RomCom, Christmas or otherwise: A bustling city full of people! This time it happens to be Chicago, as identified by a snowy Navy Pier and a cab driver yelling “LOU MALNATIS IS THE BEST DEEP DISH!” to a bunch of unsuspecting pedestrians standing outside Gino’s East.
Read MoreWelcome to the Halloween episode from season 2 of Beverly Hills, 90210, aptly titled….”Halloween”!
Read MoreWelcome to Season 10 of The Real Housewives of New York!
Read MoreWelcome back to the dumpster fire that is Vanderpump Rules!
This show is the fucking worst, you guys.
Read MoreLast night Emily and her Rose Buds descended on Prague in Czechoslovakia. Which makes me hate them all, because Prague is pretty much the city I want to go to above all other cities (I am available for hire, any corporate travel sponsors who might want a kicky blogger to visit towns for them and write non-boring reviews).
Read MoreOn this week’s episode of the Bachelorette, the crew went to a town called Dubrichoiolytickaloahik in Croatia. While I knew from reading books on vampires that Croatia is actually pretty beautiful, I bet the Bachelor team really threw an eye-opening curveball to most of America by showing them that Croatia isn’t a coal-dust-covered nuclear holocaust war zone.
That’s Romania, guys.
Read MoreThis week on The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter, we’re all going to LON-DON TOWWWN! Cheers, mate! Hope you have a jolly good time, then! Eat some fish and chips and go put your trainers in the boot of your lorrie, yeah!
Quote of the night, from Real Housewife Ryan, as he revels over how romantic London is: What an unbelievable backdrop for her to continue a relationship with me.
This guy. I mean…there are just no words.
Read MoreLast night on The Bachelorette: The crew “scooted” to Bermuda, Parent Expert Doug made me puke again, Head Trauma Charlie cried a bunch, some guy we’ve never seen before got dumped during dinner in a cave, and I could totally win a million dollars from my Bachelor-watching predictions (related: Real Housewife Ryan is a total douchecanoe)!
Read MoreLast night’s episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily’s mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.
And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.
Read MoreLast night’s episode of The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter opened up with a crackerjack “news story” on Charleston local Emily and “rumors” that the new season of The Bachelorette was filming in Charleston so Emily could be close to her daughter. This, of course, came as a shock to everyone watching, since WE HAD ALL KNOWN THIS FOR MONTHS. Great reporting, Channel 9.
Read MoreTo get you up to speed on some Bachelor History and ready for the new season of The Bachelor, Season 22: Arie Is Old, I'll be posting Bachelor Monday recaps of the first Bachelor season that Arie Luyendyk Jr. subjected America to his kissing style: The Bachelorette, Season 8: Emily Has a Daughter! (It was also the first Bachelor season I ever recapped! #tears). You can also now follow along with the retro-season by watching Season 8 on ABC online!
Please share with all of your Bachelor-watching friends! Especially because if I have to see "Who's the eff is Arie?!" one. more. time. on my #TheBachelor Twitter feeds, I'm gonna half'ta poison someone's Flat Tummy Tea.
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