Welcome back Vanderpets!
Last week, James made out with Lala and THEN broke up with Kristen, Peter cut his ponytail off, Scheana continued to believe that the world revolved her which also includes Shay’s addiction, Kristen found out about James and Lala, Jax stirred the pot by inviting everyone out for a night of drinks and dramz, and Scheana declared that she was “soooo” not a feminist while she stuck up for Lala after James called her a basic bitch.
Got it? Good! Let’s get started:
Gonna Be A Rip-Roaring Gay Pride Party…For Everyone But Shay! #sadtrombone
It’s Gay Pride! Lisa comes into Sexy Unique Restaurant to talk to Jax and Tom about it. Last year SUR was dead thanks to Queen only caring about her new baby PUMP, but this year, Lisa is not throwing *one* party, she’s throwing *two* parties, and they both need to be a “rip-roaring success”.
The party at SUR is going to be a charity party, and Tom and Jax are excited. “Drunk gay guysss…tip really well,” Tom LITERALLY slurs to Jax. What was that about drunk?
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Jax walks back to the coffee area to find Scheana making a cappuccino, which, I gotta admit…looks pretty good (you finally did something right for once, SCHEANA. Even if it was just making coffee and not, you know, being a legit support system for your addict husband).
Scheana delivers her capo and then comes back to talk to Jax, who tells her that he’s been watching this amazing show about this girl who was told she only had 5 days to live, so they start having an existential discussion about what they would do if *they* only had 5 days to live. Scheana would fly to Paris or Egypt, Jax would off a bunch of people he hated – with James being #1 on the list! “Is it because he’s hooking up with Lala and you’re not?” Scheana asks coyly. Scheana teases him about losing a hot girl to a skinny DJ, then tells us that ever since James put headphones around his neck, the girls around SUR have been dropping like flies around him (which, I mean…is really and truly a thing. Chicks fuckin’ love DJs, dudes). Scheana says maybe the only redeeming things she’s said all season, which is that she just could never date someone whose clothes are smaller than hers.
Meanwhile, Lisa, Katie, and Ariana are showing off the dresses the girls will be wearing for the Pride party, and then they get on the topic of Scheana and Shay.
Which is basically: Scheana doesn’t know what she’s doing, and it’s not just about Scheana, it’s also about Shay.
Just kidding. That’s not what they said, but it’s what they should have said.
Back at the coffee station, Scheana and Jax talk about how everyone’s going to be wasted tomorrow, “but hopefully not Shay,” Scheana adds. He comes to the party every year, so he’s coming this year, and since Scheana can’t see herself being with someone who’s stone cold sober, Shay’s going to drink, but only a little. “She’s setting him up for failure,” Jax rightly predicts.
Ain’t Nobody Feeling You Like I’m Feeling George Michael OMGICan’tBelieveJamesIsHisGodson
Our new scene starts out with a couple of LA ghosts:
Like, WTF was that?
And moves right along to Lala’s apartment! Which, if you’ll remember, is Stassi’s old apartment, which I didn’t remember, and got all momentarily excited about for a minute because I kind of love seeing what people’s places look like and since I like Lala, I was kind of excited until I realized, “Oh. It’s Stassi’s old place.” Anyway! James shows up to lay down some tracks (that’s DJ speak for “Let’s record a song, love!”). James apologized the night before to Lala for calling her a basic bitch, and so she’s over it, because like some OTHER PEOPLE in this group, she doesn’t hold grudges. Except that James tries to demand that she either trusts him or she trusts everyone else. Lala tells him, huh-uh, she trusts LALA. So then he kisses her and they start talking about biting – apparently James gets off on girls biting him when he’s having an orgasm.
Lala tells us that James is a kinky mofo, and she doesn’t think they’re going to be sexually compatible, since she’s a lover, not a biter (good wit there, Lala!). They sit down and start talking about the fact that Lala is not in a position to be exclusive right now. James says that he doesn’t want to be fucked around, and asks if it would hurt her if he slept with other girls. She tells him that she just doesn’t want to know about it, and tells us that she has to set boundaries for James because he’s very aggressive. And then I snap this screenshot of him, and it’s like…yeesh.
Does he not kind of remind you of the British version of American Psycho? Like all cocky and psychotic?
Anyway, they start to lay down a “track”, with Lala singing “Ain’t nobody feeling you like I’m feeling you” while James does some British rap. It’s not bad! Lala actually has a pretty legit R&B type’a voice.
OMG AND THEN WE FIND OUT THAT JAMES’ DAD USED TO MANAGE WHAM! AND THAT GEORGE MICHAEL IS ACTUALLY HIS DAD’S COUSIN AND HE’S ALSO JAMES GODFATHER OMFG
If you’ve been following my tweets this past week, then you know that I’m writing a piece about George Michael / Wham! and that it’s gotten me newly obsessed with him and his songs, which isn’t that hard because “Careless Whisper” is my JAM and I basically listen to “Last Christmas” on non-stop repeat from December 1 to December 25.
Just…y’know. A lil’ fact about me.
Working Out & Changing Names
Fitness time! Tom and Schwartz are introducing Shay to their favorite workout class with a super cool dreadlocked dude. Tom tells us that he feels like Shay just needs a win. “I don’t know…maybe he could benefit from Afro-Brazilian Dance Fighting.”
Not my least-favorite of things that you’ve said, Tom. I might actually be nice to you for the rest of this recap.
They do a series of exercises, and it does look like some legit hardcore stuff.
So hardcore that Shay ends up walking out to the back parking lot to throw up (poor buddy!).
And then it’s the worst thing of all.
Tom and Schwartz are instructed to pretend that they’re “in the bed”, and are told to do a series of push-up-type thrusts – basically, we get to see what it’s like when they’re straight up grinding. Tom smokes Schwartz, even doing it one-handed at one point (a lil’ tip, guys? We’re never impressed when you do that while in bed with us).
Schwartz tries to excuse his lackadaisical performance by telling us that Tom has only been in his relationship for about a year, and “give it a few more years and let’s see how fast he’s grinding.” *wink*
GOD. You’re, like, every girl’s worst nightmare, Schwartz. You seem sweet and nice, and then you pull out shit like that. Get over yourself. Pretty sure KATIE’S not soaking wet every time she thinks of having sex again with you, EITHER.
Then the boys sit down and talk about Schwartz’s ring for Katie! Perfect timing!
Schwartz tells us that he’s downright giddy about the ring, but he’s trying to not bounce off the walls since he knows that Shay’s having a tough time in his own relationship. That’s surprisingly insightful of you, Schwartz.
Speaking of! Scheana is at the DMV, getting her name officially changed to “Scheana Shay”. And she gets to take a new picture! Snoooooore.
The boys ask Shay how things are going with Scheana. He tells *us* that Scheana has always run the show, and it feels like he almost gave her more ammo to direct things by fucking up. They’re working on their communication, and it’s getting a little better, but “it sucks because she has something to hold over my head now. And…I don’t know when that’s ever going to go away.”
Jesus. Can you imagine feeling that way about the person you love? That you KNOW they’re going to lord your mistakes over your head, and that you have to just suck it up and deal with it until they decide not to do it anymore? I feel like being in a relationship like that would make anyone reach for the bottle.
LalalalalaLALA Can’t hear You
It’s the weekend of Gay Pride, and Queen is cracking her whip at PUMP, trying to get it ready for the party. It is NOT pink perfection, and she is PISSED! We also get to see Ken, our favorite “Beverly Hills, chi-chi-chi!” decorator!
It’s kind of fun to see her at work like that, wearing her kicking pink hat, drinking tea, and bossing people around. I love her.
James comes running up the street “like a crazy person” because he’s late. He goes to set up sound and Lisa sees a bunch of troubling marks on his arms (like seriously, they look gross). She asks him what happened, and that’s when he pulls his shirt to the side and we see the scratch marks across his back.
PURE. CLASS. Her look of shock and revulsion when he tells her that they’re “battle wounds from the bedroom” is the BEST.
The party starts kicking off, and Lisa’s husband, Ken, tells her that he found out who made the marks on James’ arm – it wasn’t Lala, but another tiny hostess at SUR, Lauren. “I didn’t tell you that,” Ken tells Lisa.
The staff start arriving at SUR, and Ariana tells us that last year was sad because SUR was dead for Pride, so she really hopes that they’ll be slammed this year.
Lisa arrives at PUMP looking AAAMAZING, and it’s fun to see her celebrating with PUMP patrons. She tells us that she purposefully wears a big hat so she can create a lil’ bit of a barrier between her and everyone, which is a smart move. I might start trying that.
Back at SUR, Lala’s checkin’ out Jax, and he calls her over to the bar to basically lie to her about not being with Britney anymore. They agree to get together for a drink, and when she walks away, he tells a customer that he’s going to “fuck that girl.”
Schwartz shows up at SUR and is greeted by Peter. I gotta say…I’m not really digging Peter’s new look. I kind of miss the ponytail. Schwartz even notes that Peter “didn’t make out with almost all of our girlfriends with short hair.”
Drama time! James shows up at SUR while BOTH Lala and Lauren are standing at the hostess station. He kisses Lauren, then Lauren watches with a smug face as he *really* kisses Lala. Lala notices the tracks on his arm, and asks him to turn around for her. Lauren sneaks off to the bar a few feet away as James tells Lala that he slept with someone else, and the look on Lala’s face vs. the look on Lauren’s face…
I mean. That’s some kind of evil betch right there.
Also, James is SO proud of himself as he tells Lala that he slept with someone else. “And she was a motherf*ckin’ cobra? I don’t understand.”
The camera pans again to Lauren, and the look on her FACE! As she watches this go down! Like, could NOT be more delighted with herself.
James reminds Lala that he likes to be bit, and she’s like, “Bye.” He tells her that she said she didn’t want a boyfriend, and so if she had committed to him – even though he, like, broke up with Kristen THREE DAYS AGO – then he wouldn’t be sleeping with other girls. Really? That’s how you’re going to play this? How about you focus on the long game, James, instead of acting like a spoiled bratty child. Lala dismisses him, but he wants to keep fighting, which culls the attention of Jax and Tom. Lauren, acting like she’s diffusing the situation, goes over and grabs James, suggesting they take a walk. Lala is not pleased.
Lisa shows up at SUR and checks in with Jax. He tries to gossip with her, and she basically tells him to get to work. He tries to duck under her hat to kiss her, and it’s the most awkward, hilarious exchange – NICE WORK ON THE HAT, LISA.
The girls are handing out appetizers – which I’m really jealous about, because I’m starving – while ruining their dresses with their dumb pink trucker hats.
Jax, for his part, is DRUNK. A woman orders a strawberry mojito and he’s like, “NO. I don’t wanna make hard drinks!” and tries to do the thing where he’s like, “You’re here to get drunk, you’re here to get wasted, I’m not gonna muddle stuff” and then he literally breaks a glass because HE’S so drunk.
Oh, and he broke the glass over the ice bin, which means all the ice now has to be changed out. GOOD GOIN’, YA DINGUS.
Oh, and that other guy, there? THAT’S LAUREN’S BOYFRIEND.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY THIS IS GONNA GET SO GOOD IN ABOUT 5 SECONDS!!!!!!!!!
Scheana and Shay are talking in the back, and Shay mentions that he’s only had a couple beers because he doesn’t want to get super drunk.
Honestly, it *does* sound like he’s being level-headed and has a handle on the drinking thing – at least, for that day – but alcohol wasn’t the main problem was it? Anyway, they’re all cute and kissing and I really like Shay and I don’t totally hate Scheana in this moment, so. That’s something.
Some of the staff are out front posing for photos in front of the SUR car when Kristen shows up.
She tries to jump in the photo, and then kiss Lisa’s ass when Lisa is like, “No, you’re not in the photo, you lost that chance.” Kristen’s like, “yeah, you’re right,” and Lisa tells us that she doesn’t understand why Kristen always shows up to SUR events like she still works there, and that if Kristen had her choice, she’d be on the hood of that car, front and center, spread-eagle, “but she lost that chance when she told Diana to suck a dick.”
Kristen goes in to talk to everyone, and she gets into a conversation with James’ roommate and Katie. Apparently, something happened last night at 5:30 in the morning and the cops showed up and James almost got arrested.
George Michael would NOT be proud of you, James. That is not appropriate Wham! behavior.
So then Katie asks if that’s how James got the marks on his arms, and it comes out from James’ roommate that, no, those are from him having sex with a girl. Scheana joins the party and so does James, and Scheana starts to give James the third degree about who he had sex with and what those marks are on his arms. “I like to get bit, remember that, babe?” he spits to Kristen. This guy…he’s SO MATURE!
Meanwhile, Lauren goes back to the hostess station where Lala is. Lala is wondering out loud why she cares that James slept with someone else, and Lauren tries to cover up her tracks by telling Lala that she shouldn’t care, that she shouldn’t ask who it is, she shouldn’t even act like it happened.
Oh, Lauren. Lauren Lauren Lauren…you know that you’re now going to be America’s most hated chick, right? That even Jennifer Lawrence is going to be all, “Who dat bitch?!”
So Lala’s like, “So you think I should let it go? Who marks a man up like that?” HAHAHAHAHA. And then the clincher? They fucking HUG.
Lala’s gonna regret that later.
And then Lauren’s probably gonna regret it more.
Party In The Back, Givin’ Lauren The Bizniz In The Front
The party’s still in full swing, and Lisa tells us that the day has been a success. Shay helps Scheana count her tips, and it comes out to SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY EIGHT DOLLARS.
Party in the back! Lauren’s creeping on James –
And James is showing off photos of his back and telling everyone “Seven hours of sex last night” –
YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE GEORGE MICHAEL AS A GODSON, JAMES!
When Tom and Ariana ask who with, he’s all, “I’m NOT telling!” Ugh, YOU’RE THE ONE GOING AROUND AND TALKING ABOUT IT TO EVERYONE, SO YOU OBVIOUSLY WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW, DOUCHECANOE.
Kristen, never one to take a hint, is also hanging out back, and walks up to Lala, Faith, and Jesse (? I think?) to talk about James!
Kristen asks Lala if she’s responsible for the scratch marks on James’ back, and she’s like, “Me? God no.” James sees them talking and decides to break up the party (always the mark of a shady dude). Lala yells at him to get away from her, and he’s like, “You’re upset that I had sex with someone else? Someone must be really hurt right now! I can see you didn’t want a boyfriend or anything.”
Seriously. Is this guy, like, six?
Lala pulls James aside to talk to him, and Jax does a brief interlude where he makes it obvious that now that James has fucked up, he’s swooping in for the kill, which is kind of delightful, in a way. James literally asks, “How are we going to get past this? Can I still fall in love with you?” to Lala. Are you for real? Like are you fucking on this same planet as the rest of us? Or is this a mirage of you, from a different plane where shit like this is totally okay?
Lala wants to know who he was with. “Lauren,” he says, without even a moment’s hesitation. The look on Lala’s face…like, you kinda gotta feel bad for the girl.
Who the fuck can she even trust? James fucked her over, Lauren REALLY fucked her over, you KNOW Jax is going to fuck her over…girl, get yourself on Real Housewives or something where you can make some real friends.
“What was she doing, lying to you all day? YEP!” James tells Lala.
Like, that’s just fucking cruel. You’re a cruel dude, James. I hope George Michael disowns you as his godson.
Lala dismisses him – like seriously, I kind of love when she does that, just goes, “Yep, bye” and then it’s over – and goes to find Lauren. Jesse comes with her to confront her, and Lala asks Lauren if she was going to tell her that it was James that she hooked up with last night. “Ugh,” Lauren replies. “We’re not talking about this.”
I think we ARE.
Lauren tries to run away, removing her microphone, while Lala goes and talks to Anthony – remember, Lauren’s BOYFRIEND – and they both go and find her.
Lauren’s hiding in the back, and she responds to every question Anthony asks her with “Are you fucking kidding me?”, like THAT’S even an answer (it sure as hell isn’t a denial!). She states that she doesn’t want to be on camera, and tells Anthony to take his mic off. Lala isn’t having it, though, and goes around the back way. She, Anthony, and Lauren are arguing, and Lauren keeping trying to hide away from the camera. WE ALL KNOW YOU DID IT, LAUREN. HIDING FROM THE CAMERAS NOW ISN’T GOING TO DO ANY GOOD.
Later, Jax comes and finds Lala and invites her back to Tom’s afterparty. They leave holding hands.
I mean, you kinda gotta give it to Jax – he does have SUPREME timing.
Next week! Jax starts lying to and about HIS girlfriend, Tom and Schwartz have another change to be Sangria Kings of St. Louis, and James basically throws a tantrum while at Kristen’s apartment. Awesome!
See you then, Vanderpets!
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