Welcome back, Vanderpets! After promising myself all week that I’d get this recap out before Monday, I’m now going to be lucky if I manage to post this mere hours before the new show!
Totally on top of stuff over here, babes. Totally, totally killin’ it.
Anyway! If you don’t know what happened in Episode 4, you can catch up here…onto
this last week’s episode!
Making Up & Breaking Up Is All James & Kristen Wanna Do
Our episode opens with Scheana updating Queen Lisa – and us – on how things are going with Shay. Scheana really feels like Shay’s at a point in his life where he needs to get his stuff together, so they’ve started going to the gym – she doesn’t want to lose weight, but he could maybe, you know, lose ten pounds.
We’re not even 5 minutes in, and already I want to kill Scheana.
She tells Lisa that Tom is going to come over to teach Scheana how to cook a healthy breakfast. Because that’s what it’s all about, you guys! It’s not about the mental health issues, or the low self-esteem, or the fact that most addicts are looking to substances to provide that unconditional good feeling that they feel they can’t get from the people in their life…it’s about egg whites! It’s about green smoothies!
Lisa sends Scheana off to, you know, work, and spots Jax carrying a case of wine. She calls him over, and in another stunning moment of intelligence, Jax observes that Shay’s addiction has nothing to do with pills, it’s because he’s running away from something, “because he has no voice.”
“I have milk that has a stronger shelf life than that marriage,” he tells Lisa. “It’s almost like she’s his mother, and not his wife. He needs to have some say in stuff.”
Lisa basically tells him to keep his “new nose” out of it. HA.
Meanwhile, Lala and James are talking about how hungover they are from the night before. Turns out, there was also a lil’ bit of a makeout sesh that happened, as well!
James basically told Lala that he was broken up with Kristen, which technically is not true…he’s *breaking up* with her, he just hasn’t done it yet!
This in NO WAY is going to blow up in his face AT ANY POINT!
Lala mentions that she’s heard Kristen is kind of scrappy, but SHE can get scrappy, too (which I totally believe) and she doesn’t have any qualms about how long it’s been or hasn’t been since James and Kristen broke up.
Or didn’t break up, I guess.
And wouldn’tcha know it, but that evening, guess who shows up at Sexy Unique Restaurant?! Kristen makes her way into SUR and asks Lala if she knows who James is. “Can you tell him that Kristen is here?” she asks. And she’s being very polite, so she obviously has no idea that she’s talking to the girl who just made out with her boyfriend the night before.
Lala runs to James and tells him that Kristen is waiting for him out back. James asks Peter to take over his DJ station while he steps out (aw, Peter, you’re so nice) and he goes out to talk to Kristen.
This is gonna be greeeeaaaaat!
Turns out, Kristen went to Detroit for a modeling job (ummm…), and so James is using that as a convenient excuse to accuse her of cheating on him with another male model because at some point in the evening, Kristen had her phone turned off. This reminds me of the time back in senior year when this one guy, Jared, tried to convince me to break up with my boyfriend Adam and go out with him, which I did because I was stupid and felt like Adam wasn’t treating me right, and then a few weeks later Jared broke up with me because he had heard a rumor that I had made out with a guy, Billy, in the basement of a party that we were all at. This rumor was made up by the girl who went after Adam after we broke up, mainly because she just didn’t like me and also because everyone kind of knew that Adam and I still had feelings for each other but had broken up because I was stupid about life in general. I tried to tell Jared over and over nothing had happened between Billy and I, but then he asked Billy and Billy didn’t deny it and then I found out later that Billy didn’t deny it because he didn’t like Jared and wanted the two of us to break up so that maybe he and I could start going out, even though after Jared and I broke up nothing ever happened with me and Billy mainly because I made out with his older brother later that summer. Anyway, when Jared broke up with me over it, it was pretty obvious that he didn’t even really care whether or not the rumor was true and that he was doing the same thing I had done to Jake Huber earlier in the year when I broke up with him based on a flimsy rumor that he liked this other girl he was starring in “Grease” with (who, btw, later fell through a trap door and became paralyzed from the waist down but has since moved on to marry a male model she met at some summer camp for wheelchair kids and is now a national speaker and author which just goes to show that even when the worst luck happens to some people it’s still the best luck) mostly because I just wasn’t feeling it and it was much easier to be all, “I don’t trust you” instead “yeah, I’m kind of a jerk who lost interest but it’s just easier for me if I make it all your fault.”
Basically, I guess what I’m trying to say is: During my senior year, I was Vanderpump Rules, and Vanderpump Rules was me.
So anyway, James and Kristen both tell each other that they don’t want to be with one another. Kristen does the thing where she tries to deflect by telling James to stop raising his voice.
James tells her that she’s never going to have “this young, good-looking thing ever again”…like, isn’t there something seriously kind of gross about the way that James is so wrapped up in how gorgeous he is? It’s not attractive.
Lala talks to Jax and Tom and tells them that she’s freaking up a little bit about Kristen being there right now. Jax is like, Why is that your problem? Lala tells them that her and James made out a lil’ bit, and Jax is totally transparent about the fact that he’s bummed that James got it in first.
“There’s a difference between girls that get crazy and crazy girls,” Lala states, correctly. Jax basically tells her that Kristen knows where she lives, she knows who her family is, the whole shebang.
And he’s probably not wrong.
James and Kristen keep talking outside and it’s a whole lot of blah blah blah I treated you like gold blah blah blah no you didn’t blah blah blah. Kristen tries to tell James that he’s self-destructive and that he’s fucking up his life, and James is like, “‘Ello, I went from a bus boy to a DJ, LOVE!”
Kristen is like, “OMG, STAAAAHHHHP!” and tries to walk away. James follows her to basically state the obvious in that it’s over, but as he walks away, he makes sure to get in a parting shot that he’s got a date the next night and “it’s gonna be more fun than I ever ‘ad wif you, love, a’right?”
Kristen tells us that she loved him so much, that he was her best friend…she gave him everything. But she doesn’t think he ever really appreciated her at all.
Wait…when were you giving him everything? When you were stalking your ex-boyfriend? When you were plotting to break up Tom and Ariana? Or maybe when you were wishing that Ariana would get hit by a mack truck.
Breakfast Time With Tom!
It’s morning, and Scheana tells Shay and Tom’s coming over to teach her how to make a healthy breakfast. Tom and Ariana arrive with bags full of healthy organic stuff to make omelettes with. I don’t know if you guys know this, but Tom was an omelete making machine back in the day! If you were a hot, well-paid actress back in the mid-2000s, you probably at Tom’s eggs!
OMG TELL ME MORE.
My favorite part of this whole thing is that, when we see Tom standing in the kitchen, it’s just him and Shay – there’s no Scheana to be found!
Great job *learning* how to make healthy breakfasts, Scheana! Tom presents his organic egg whites + mushrooms + spinach + broccoli breakfasts with a side of green juice. Rather than showing gratitude, Scheana and Shay basically swallow it down in silence.
W(h)ine, Hair, Nails
So then we have some boring stuff where Kristen is meeting up with her “girl power” friend at some dive bar, where they talk about the fact that she found out from Jax that James made out with Lala before he and Kristen actually broke up.
And then my wishes comes true, and we get a whole entire segment with Peter! Jax and Tom accompany him to a hair salon, where he cuts off his ponytail. I didn’t mind Peter’s long hair…he had that kind of sexy, pirate-y, swashbuckling Zorro quality that could carry it off. But he feels like he’s maturing, and so for him, it’s time to cut it off. Jax announces that he invited James, Lala, Kristen, Scheana, and Katie to drinks, which is in no way going to be dramatic or bad news in any way! Oh Jax…it’s almost like, I don’t want to admit that we have anything in common, but you really could not ask for a better or more entertaining night than to put all of those people in the same room, step back, and watch sparks fly.
I didn’t get any screenshots of the above, though, because A. I was too bored with Kristen’s bit, and B. I just wanted to enjoy the Peter bit and not have to work for it, y’know?
AND THEN. And then it’s time for pedicures in an airstream nail salon with Scheana, Ariana, and Katie!
Scheana tells the girls that Kristen was blowing up her phone the other night, and begins to disparage Lala for making out with James, but Katie and Ariana stick up for Lala, protesting that Lala probably has no idea that this is what James and Kristen do and that James probably told Lala that they were broken up. Then, my favorite comment Scheana has ever made comes out of her mouth, “Like, Lala, this is why we’re not welcoming you into our group! Because you’re the type of girl who does go after other women’s boyfriends. That’s not cool with us.”
You are such a freaking hypocrite, Scheana. I seem to remember another girl who insisted that you couldn’t sit at her lunch table because she refused to be friends with a home wrecker…remember that? Remember when YOU HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN?!
Oh, but then it’s time to talk about Shay! Katie asks Scheana how things are going, and she basically tells her and Ariana that they just decided to forget the past week and go back to how things were the day after their honeymoon. Katie’s like, “Yo, this is some serious shit, tho” and she’s like, “Oh, I think he totally realizes how serious this is and how close he came – not once, but twice – to losing me.”
Let me just take a sec.
THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU SCHEANA. THIS IS ABOUT SHAY. THIS IS ABOUT SHAY’S HEALTH, ABOUT SHAY’S ADDICTION, ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHAY NEEDS HELP.
“I truly don’t think he’s going to fuck up again,” Sheana tells them. “I think he’s going to do everything he can to make me the happiest woman alive.”
“I think you both need to be the happiest people alive,” Ariana replies.
To which Scheana responds with?
All I’m Thinkin’ ‘Bout Is Lala Lala!
James and Lala go to lunch and talk about how gorgeous the other one is. “I usually go in for some steak,” Lala tells us. “But I’m liking the string bean.” And objectively, I can totally see how a girl would be completely woo’d by James if they didn’t actually know what he was like…you know, as a person. Like, on the inside. They talk about Kristen and whether or not she’s going to stalk Lala, which is a legit question, and Lala basically makes it known that if Kristen tries to “step to” Lala, she’s got a big problem.
Which, if any of the season previews are to be believed? Is true.
Then we get to see a bunch of the staff learn about wine from a wine expert who works with Pandora and Jason. Scheana nods like she actually knows what the sommelier is talking about, which is hilarious.
Class is over, and Scheana and Lisa sit down for a chat. Scheana tells Lisa that Shay isn’t working, and Lisa is disapproving of this. Maybe a lil’ less gym time and lil’ more resume time, Scheana? You know, when you’re acting like your husband’s MOM?
SUR NITE OUT
it’s drinks time! Jax, Faith, Katie, and Scheana are ordering drinks at their table, and Scheana tells us that her options tonight were stay at home with Shay and watch TV, or go out and watch fireworks happen between Kristen and Lala. She knows that there’s going to be endless amounts of alcohol at their table, and “that’s not really what Shay needs right now” so he’s just fine at home with the remote control. Cool. Thanks for looking out for your SON, MOM.
James and Lala show up, and right away Scheana starts interrogating Lala about the fact that she made out with James wile he was still with Kristen. I just want SO BADLY for Lala to be all, “I’m sorry, but aren’t you the girl who fucked Brandi Glanville’s husband?”, even if it’s just so we can see Scheana widen her dumb cow eyes and mumble, “I didn’t know he was married.” (uh, YEAH YA DID). Luckily for us and unluckily for Stupid Scheana, Lala can hold her own, and shuts Scheana down right quick.
Oh! And then KRISTEN shows up!
Lala’s like, “WTF, I didn’t even think any of these people liked her,” and we’re all, “Uh, yeah, that’s what we thought TOO”, and James immediately launches into how Kristen and Jax are now best friends now, they’re probably going to fuck, etc. This is why I like Lala – she immediately tells James to stop, that he’s being really disrespectful. She has no reason to stand up for Kristen, but she does, because that shit is whack. Jax offers to take Kristen outside, which gets James going even more. James goes outside to keep an eye on Kristen and Jax, and Lala soon follows, but not to talk to James – to talk to Kristen.
Lala tells Kristen that she wants to get a little girl-on-girl clarification about the James thing. Kristen tells Lala that they were still together when she hooked up with James, and then launches into all the stuff that James had told Kristen about Lala – that she was a whore, she dresses like a slut, etc. Lala tells us that James was texting her long before he broke it off with Kristen, so she believes that James was saying that stuff to Kristen to cover his tracks.
James comes over and sits down between them, and they both basically are like, “yeah, no”, and go inside. Lala tells James that she’s very offended, and that she’s going to excuse herself and go inside. Kristen is like, “Yeah, I’m following you” and it’s kind of fun to watch it all blow up in James’ face. He follows them inside and tries to talk to Lala, but she tells him that she finds him incredibly disrespectful and that she’s offended about the stuff that he’s said about her. He calls her a basic bitch – wait, no, he meant that she was acting like a basic bitch – and that when Scheana jumps in the fray and announces that she is SOOO NOT A FEMINIST, but you DO NOT talk to women like that!
So not a feminist how? In the way that you don’t think women should have equal rights? In the way that you don’t care if women should get to vote or have equal pay or a retain a voice in congress? In the way that you probably don’t even know what “feminism” means, so you think that because you “loooove guys” that means that you can’t be a feminist? Cool. I don’t even know why I’m even surprised, but it’s like the little respect I had left for you is now magically gone! You are now officially my least favorite person on this show.
And that is saying a LOT.
Lala tells us that she knows she’s not a slut and she knows she’s not a whore, because obviously she’s not getting paid to have sex “…which would be dope…” (I REALLY LIKE HER, YOU GUYS. I REALLY, REALLY DO) “But I know for DAMN sure I’m not basic.”
Sing it girl.
(Also, just as a sidenote, there’s nothing wrong with being basic. Sometimes it can be a very comforting way of life)
Jax, for his part, is having a great night.
And that’s it! See you again next week!
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