Welcome back, Vanderpets! I hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving weekend. I spent my holiday weekend not writing recaps for reality television shows, so I’m a lil’ behind. But that’s okay, because spending time on the internet, doing totally-non-work-related stuff is exactly what Mondays are for!
Last week at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Tom gave away his semen-soaked couch to Faith, Lala was being consoled by Jax and James when it came to dealing with the “mean girls” of SUR, and Katie and Scheana were being lectured by Lisa about being those exact mean girls. Scheana was busy dealing with her OWN problems, though, which we later found out had to do with Shay drinking a lot and takin’ some pills, then not coming home for a coupl’a weeks. On the other end of the relationship spectrum, James and Kristen decided to give it another go after James cheated on her with some chick named Jenna, and Schwartz picked out an engagement ring for his girlfriend of 50 years, Katie.
Got it? Cool! On with this week’s show!
Pucker & Pout, Indeed
Katie and Scheana are getting ready to shoot some hair accessories for Katie’s blog, Pucker & Pout. In case you were wondering, Scheana is not in the “chipperest” mood, though, so any shots where it can be more about the hair accessories and less about her face and expressions would be great (also because it’s a shoot about the hair accessories, and not about Scheana’s face. You know. Just to point that out). The fact that it’s now been several days since she’s seen Shay is now weighing so heavy on her heart, you guys. She tells Katie about her little sit-down with Lisa, but she doesn’t want to cry, so her and Katie instead exchange tips on how to breathe through your nose. The photographers come in, and Scheana is finding it hard to smile when her marriage is falling apart. The shoot ends, and she apologizes to two perfect strangers about not being in her normal “perky-peppy mood.”
Which is totally a thing you say to someone when you want them to ask you what’s wrong, so that you can just look at them forlornly and say, “I’m just going through some stuff right now,” and then they can feel bad for you.
Meanwhile, Lala’s manning the hostess station at Sexy Unique Restaurant when Jax comes up and does his usual “Yeah, I got a girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be a total slimeball and flirt with the new girl!”
Through Jax we find out that, even though Lala is not a Mormon, she did grow up in Utah! Jax decides to take that as an opportunity to do some investigative work into the important facts about Mormon girls that he’s learned thus far in his life: Basically, that they give a lot of blowies and they’ll let you come in through the backdoor.
“Is that true?” he asks.
According to Lala, it IS true.
“Mormons are champs, man,” Lala tells us. “That’s why I’m not a Mormon. I do not want to do anal, nor do I want to give multiple BJs a day…it’s a LOT of work!”
I really like this Lala, you guys. I’m really, really liking her.
Although: As someone who went to a super Christian college and then lived and worked at a Christian Bible Camp for two years between the ages of 19-21…I have to disagree with this very popular yet flawed theory about girls who are saving themselves for marriage. First, if you’re waiting until your wedding night to have sex, that usually means all sex…oral, vaginal, and anal (there’s a lot of contemporary Christian books and articles and devotionals and talks and stuff that are very specific about the fact that oral sex is still technically sex). Second, if you’re waiting for marriage, it’s usually because you have some pretty romantic ideals about sex, which the entire act of anal sex does not support (have you ever even seen anal being done in porn? It is NOT romantic). Third, Christian girls hate giving blowies just as much as non-Christian girls do, and back in my day, the only reason any of us ever did them was so we could take a lil’ deep-dive into what it felt like to be sexually powerful, which meant that we only performed them as a lil’ chocolate-on-the-pillow goodnight send-off…basically, we engaged with your wick for about 5 seconds and then sent you on your merry blue-ball way, because bringing you to fruition would ruin the whole point of trying to make you dream about us and what else we could do (but weren’t going to do until you coughed up that ring, sucka!). Fourth, for most Christian girls, the whole entire point of waiting until marriage is because you want to find a guy who’s not only strong in his faith, but also thinks you’re special enough to wait for, too. Thus, bowing down to some sort of pressure to bend over or give him a blowie in order to keep him sexually satisfied kind of demolishes the whole point of even being with that guy, dig?
Insofacto: If a Christian girl is waiting until marriage but is still giving BJs or serving up anal, she’s doing it wrong, and she knows it.
Lisa arrives and breaks up the cozy lil’ anal-blow-job convo with Jax and Lala, and she and Jax talk about Kentucky and whether or not Lisa will give her a job. Lisa is skeptical, and rightfully so, but she tells Jax that she’s willing to meet with Kentucky one more time and that she’ll think about it.
Boys night out! We finally get a lil’ bit of Peter (MORE Peter! MORE PETER ALL THE TIME), but are also forced to listen to James talk some more about Kristen as payback for the treat. James announces to the boys that he and Kristen are going to therapy the next day. Tom announces to Schwartz that they’re going to Lisa’s house the next day to talk to her about her Sangria line (which one could also construe as couples therapy). Jax asks the boys what they think of Lala, and James announces that Lala’s “that girl who wants to be a slut but won’t admit that she’s a slut, but really, she’s a huge sluuuuuuuut!”
Charming, James. Really.
Morning time! Kristen is making breakfast while James snoozes on the couch…that is, until the Mommy & Me Show starts, with Kristen asking James if he’s going to get up, him telling her he doesn’t want breakfast, her asking him why he got so trashed last night, and him asking her what they’re going to do today. It’s, like, the most annoying, passive-aggressive, non-romantic exchange on the planet.
Kristen informs James that they have couples therapy today! “I’ve literally been awake for 38 seconds and already this is the worst day of my life,” James tells us.
Us, too, James. This is already the worst day of our lives, too.
But couples therapy is a TREAT! A tense, dysfunctional, omg-how-can-you-guys-even-be-together-still TREAT! My favorite part is when Kristen tells the therapist that James doesn’t take responsibility for anything, and James snorts and says, “Where do you pull this stuff out of your ass? You’re delusional. That’s why.” (And no, none of that made actual sense). The therapist is like, “And again, that’s name-calling, and instead you could say, “I feel like..” “Fine, I feel like you’re delusional,” James tells Kristen. And the therapist LITERALLY has to try to not laugh at that.
And then there’s some name-calling, and it’s basically like when you’re 11 and you and your 8 yr old brother are in trouble and your mom sits you both down on the couch and is trying to be really calm and navigate a peaceful solution to the constant fighting over the Nintendo, but pretty soon you all realize she’s just going to give up because the both of you are just basically two total assholes who won’t be able to have a reasonable conversation until you’re at least 30.
The best is when the therapist asks them if they’re willing to work this stuff out or if they just want to keep punishing each other, and they’re both like, “No, I’m trying so hard! We totally want to work on this!”
Haha, you guys are gonna break up in a WEEK.
Drinks time! Peter shows up with a girl who obviously is only there to break Peter in and soften him up before I can get to him. Her name is Sarah, Peter’s a little serious about her, and Katie congratulates them on being an official couple.
Somebody says something about how it sounds like they’re already married, and Peter makes a comment about how he’s going to have some practice with that, and here’s Tom’s face:
But surprise! Peter just means that Sarah has a 4 yr old.
“Wow…we’ve never met a real grown-up, with responsibilities,” Schwartz quips, in a stunningly rare moment of wit.
Tom makes a comment about how he would totally marry Ariana, Ariana tells us that she’s known since she was 5 years old that marriage wasn’t for her, and Schwartz makes a joke about how he loves deadlines, and pressure, and ultimatums.
And then we get to talk some more about Michael Shay and his being MIA from the night before! Schwartz notes that Scheana can be bossy and domineering, and that can be tough for chill, easy-going Shay. Ariana, on the other hand, notes that Scheana can make a big thing out of little problems, but you rarely ever hear her talk about big problems, so the fact that she’s talking about this makes Ariana think that this has gotten so big that Scheana has no choice but to talk about it. Tom tells the crew that he thinks they should all reach out and see what they can do to help the couple.
The next day at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Lala tells someone on the phone who wants a reservation that same night that they should probably just go get fucked, and then she wanders over to the DJ booth to do a lil’ flirt’innn wif’ James. He lays it on THICK, to the point where I’m actually kind of uncomfortable with how hard he’s flirting with her. Like, it’s weird…it kind of reminds me of an older gent trying to make it very clear to a young schoolgirl that he’s not above a lil’ statutory rape action. “Would you like that, darlin’?” he asks, as he grabs the nape of her neck and then runs his hand down the thick of her hair.
Like, gross, dude. Chill with that for a minute.
Button Up To Button Down!
Meanwhile, Tom and Schwartz confer on the phone about what the other one is wearing for their meeting with Lisa. Remember when we used to do that, back in the 6th grade? When we’d call our friends and ask them if they were wearing jeans or shorts to school, so we didn’t feel like a total loser if we showed up in jeans only to find out that everyone else was wearing shorts?
Yeah. Those guys still do that.
“Like we’re going on a Lexus audition or something…young, professional…aspirational!” Schwartz tells Tom. “Yeah, yeah, like a button down,” Tom agrees.
The brainiacs head to Lisa’s estate – Villa Rosa – to talk to her about selling Vanderpump Sangria to exciting new markets…like St. Louis! But first, it’s time for an emotional conversation that’s completely appropriate to the atmosphere of a business meeting: Tom brings up Shay to Lisa, and basically asks Lisa to give him a job, to which Lisa is like, “uh, no, thanks!” Tom cries, and then Pandy and her husband Jason arrive. Which then ushers in the most awkward, stilted, unprepared business pitch in the entire world. Tom basically tries to tell them what it’s all about – it’s not about getting it into the bars and restaurants, it’s about getting it into people’s hands and homes! Pandy basically is like, “YO. That’s small po-tate-toes, SON! You gotta think GLOBALLY!” And Jason basically throws down with the fact that they’ve been to London, Rome, and Miami just the last week, sellin’ Sangria to all the boys and girls all over the world!
“You’re killing it, man!” Schwartz offers, because he’s the kind of dork who says stuff like that at job interviews.
And then Pandy basically drops the mic by mentioning that if they want to do this, they have to really be serious about it because they’ll be working with people who are really passionate about it: “You better not be having mental breakdowns and crying and leaving,” she says pointedly, to both of them.
She tells them to think about it and put together a little plan. “We do really need to think about this,” Tom says. Uh…really? They’re not OFFERING you the job…YOU’RE the one who came in ASKING for it. You should have come in with a plan already in hand, saying, “Yes, we’re the men for this job because of ____ and ____, and here’s what we can do for you.” Schwartz mentions to us that they’re not walking out with a six figure salary and 401K’s – “we’re sort of walking out with a homework assignment, which is kind of lame” – and that’s when I notice that Schwartz is wearing JEANS.
Really? You’d wear a button-down shirt and JEANS to an audition for LEXUS?
Get the fuck outta here.
Intervention: Or, All About Scheana
Later, Katie and Schwartz arrive at Scheana’s, ready for some straight-to-reality-TV intervention drama! This is really only interesting because we get to see yet some more wedding photos in a three-photo frame emblazoned with the logo “Live Laugh Love”, which, along with “it’s all happening”, is Scheana’s, like, favorite saying in the whole wide world!
Scheana points out that her whole apartment is filed with wedding pictures, “which is depressing because it’s like, we were that happy, and now we’re not!”
I agree. It’s incredibly depressing to have that many wedding photos of yourself in your own apartment.
Also that you just tried to fake-cry right here:
Tom and Ariana show up next! It’s an Intervention Party, y’all! Ariana mentions that it’s very, very strange that both Scheana and Shay want them all there for a conversation about Shay’s addiction problems. I agree. Strange and completely uncomfortable and also a perfect excuse for Scheana to get some more camera time.
Shay shows up, everyone hugs, and then both Shay and Scheana cry as they hold each other. It’s way uncomfortable, and then Tom and Schwartz start crying, too and I just wanna turn off this show and go do something cool.
Shay admits that he kind of ran away and cut everyone off, but he just needed to get away for a while. Tom actually asks some smart questions about Shay’s pill problem – if he felt withdrawal symptoms, how many he was taking a day, etc. To which Shay replies that yes, he had withdrawal, and he was taking about 5 pills a day, 10 at the most.
“I’ve been on pills for as long as I’ve known you guys,” he tells them.
“Instead of paying some bills some months, he would just buy pills,” Scheana UNHELPFULLY points out. She goes on to cry about how he does things that an addict does and she didn’t know she married an addict because if she had known she would have helped him years ago.
Like the way you’re helping him now, you mean? By making it all about you, and not him?
“I have been so, so miserable and lonely this past week,” Scheana tells him.
“I’ve been miserable and lonely for two years!” Shay snaps back.
“Why did you marry me?” Scheana cries. “Why, then? Like why?”
MAYBE THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. MAYBE THIS IS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND, SHAY.
Shay tells Scheana that he’s glad everyone else is here, because when he tries to have conversations with her about stuff like this, she intimidates him and cuts him off and makes it all about her.
Katie basically tells Scheana to shut the fuck up and listen to Shay for once. Scheana and Shay talk it out, Shay tells her that he’s here to stay, and then everything is good again!
“It would help me, too, if,” Scheana begins to tell him (really, Scheana, how can Shay help YOU right now in HIS moment of need? Please tell us what HE can do for YOU right now), “if you would just speak up more and cut me off, because, like, you’re just so quiet and polite and I’ll just, like, be on rambling and rambling and rambling and then you’ll just get like a word in and then I’ll just keep talking and talking and talking and like sometimes you can be like, “can you stop and let me finish…”
(No, seriously: I did not make any of that up…that is a word-for-word transcription of what she said)
“Like right now would be a great time to do that,” Katie laughs.
Yeah. For real.
Kentucky and Jax meet up with Lisa for another little interview. Lisa tells us she decided to give Brittany another shot since Jax practically begged her to, but then Kentucky shows up in her underwear…again.
Seriously…does she not own pants? Or a single bra?
They sit down, and the first thing Lisa brings up is the resume she still hasn’t gotten from Brittany. “Oh, yeah…we should have brought that,” Kentucky giggles to Jax. YA THINK? First you can’t even wear real clothes (like, who DOESN’T wear a bra to a job interview? I’m all stressed out that I won’t be wearing the right color of thick TIGHTS to my interview tomorrow, because showing just a little bit of bare knee felt sort of inappropriate and unprofessional. What is it like, I wonder, to leave the house with just a small patch of material covering your lady bits and think, “I look great! This professional, no-nonsense businesswoman is sure to hire me!”?!), and then you can’t even bring your resume after Lisa specifically asked you last time to bring it in for her to look over?
Then it comes out that Kentucky used to work at Hooters…wait. Was that the high-volume restaurant across from the sports stadium that she talked about last time? Because if it is…this girl shouldn’t need a job for the next 10 years! She should be ROLLING in the dough! Jax says that he can’t believe Brittany told Lisa she worked there, and Brittany’s all, “I had to tell her!” Who cares? I’ve been to Hooters before. It’s a respectable restaurant. And fun fact: I know everyone always talks about their great chicken wings, but they ALSO have great oysters there. Lisa is also like, “what’s the big deal?” and Kentucky says, “because you wear little, you know, outfits.”
“More than what you’re wearing now?” Lisa asks.
“Uh, yeah,” Kentucky replies.
Haha! Bye-bye Kentucky! You’re sweet, but please go and invest some of that flush Hooters cash into a respectable pantsuit for next time!
Lisa tells them that it’s not going to work, citing that it’s a complicated situation, them dating and everything. Jax tries to argue with Lisa about the fact that it wouldn’t be complicated if they worked at different restaurants, but that’s not even the whole issue. The whole issue is that Kentucky didn’t bring her resume, she’s basically wearing pajamas to the interview, and she totally blew her SECOND chance at a sit-down with Lisa.
Meanwhile, back at the Palace of Scheana’s Wedding Photos, Shay and Schena sit down to a lunch of salads and Capri Suns! Scheana makes a comment about how she can’t wait until they have, like, a house, with a dining room, so they can sit down at an actual dining room table and eat like real human beings! Which is not at all a passive-aggressive dig at Shay’s already mounting concerns and insecurities about not having cash flow.
Scheana then launches into some very helpful advice about how it’s fine to drink a little bit like on a special occasion – “You know, find the happy medium.” She then tells us that she doesn’t think she could ever be with someone who’s completely sober, because that’s not reality with the life she leads. “What he needs to do is just sip! You don’t have to drink to get drunk.”
Oh man…I remember what that was like, too, back in my mid-20s, when I could just make declarations of how I could or couldn’t be with someone based on arbitrary leisure activities like whether or not they drank alcohol or enjoyed boating. You know? Remember when it was super easy to completely dismiss the fact that other human beings are complete people with flaws and issues and faults, and just assume that all your romantic relationships are just going revolve around you?
Also, good news, everybody: When it comes to issues of addiction, Scheana has the answer! It’s so simple, I don’t know why no one has ever thought of it before…just sip! Everything in moderation! You don’t have to drink to get drunk! Just get a good buzz on!
I’m really kind of enjoying how this whole season seems to be angled in a way that shows just how naïve, self-centered, and selfish Scheana can be…first with the Ariana and Kristen thing, and now with her husband trying to ruin her good time with his drag issues around addition…
Then we come to the part of the show where I seriously want to punch her: She mentions that they made a deal, and she’s sticking to it. She bounces into the bathroom and brings out a “First Check” urine test for Shay to take.
Are you fucking kidding me?
“I don’t want you to think that this is because I don’t trust you,” Scheana says. Really? Why else would you humiliate your husband on camera by making him take a drug test? OH! As she tells us later, it’s because she’s going to test him as much as she has to until she can trust that he’s not taking anything again!
That’s the ticket! If there’s one thing that a person with an addiction responds to, it’s constant surveillance and suspicion, especially in the place where they should feel the most safe and at home and by the people they should feel the most safe and at home with!
Shay? I understand now. I understand completely.
“Guess I should go handle this,” Shay says, goodnaturedly.
“You can finish your Capri Sun first!” Scheana tells him, LIKE SHE’S HIS MOM.
I wanna take one of those wedding photo things and smash it over her dumb, self-absorbed head.
Talkin’ Pee With Lisa Over Tea
Lisa and Scheana sit down to discuss how things are going with Shay. Scheana tries to tell her that they had a breakthrough conversation that she feels will put him on the right track. Lisa states that he does need help, and Scheana tells Lisa that he doesn’t need rehab. Really? Because you’re an addiction expert and you know this? Or because you just don’t want him to go away to rehab or have to face the fact that it might be that serious? Then Scheana tells Lisa that it wasn’t like he was taking 10 pills a day…except that it was, because Shay told everyone that, at his worst, he was taking close to 10 pills a day. But according to Scheana, that was a long time ago..and it doesn’t even matter, because Scheana is making him pee in a cup every now and again, so it’s all good!
Lisa, rightfully, notes that making your husband randomly pee in a cup is not the good foundation for a good and healthy marriage, and that Scheana is not an addiction specialist. “Pull up that rug, and sweep the cobwebs out,” Lisa tells her.
Next week! It looks like James tells Kristen they’re DUNZO, Scheana continues to make Shay’s addiction issues all about her, and Jax says some douchebag stuff because he’s Jax!
See you then, Vanderpets!
Be like Scheana and let everyone know how you’re feeling about this post by using the handy social buttons below!
If you’ve enjoyed this recap, please consider the “Donate” button (on the sidebar to the right) my open hat to you. Even a single dollar donation helps a ton in keeping this blog stuffed with your favorite recaps!
Or, if you’d rather, click on the Amazon banner to the right every time you plan on shopping at Amazon, and your purchases will directly support this site. Give some by getting some…it’s practically a Vanderpump Rules motto!
And for more TV recaps like this one, g’head and dig into the TV Recap section over at mah port’fol’io!