Welcome back Vanderpets!
When we last saw The Worst People In America Who Work At a Restaurant, James was cheatin’ on ‘is girlfriend Krisss-tin and lyin’ ’bout ‘tit, Ariana was wondering why Scheana would put up with such an awful friend in Kristen, Katie and Schaena busted Lala on her “modeling” job in Venice, and Schaena was worried about Shay and being “in the middle” of Kristen and Ariana.
Got it? Good.
Here we go:
Meanies & PUMPtinis
Our episode opens with Katie, Scheana, and Kristine Kelly modeling new dresses in Lisa’s quest to give SUR a lil’ sibling love. Lisa confronts Katie and Scheana about being mean to Lala, which they react to with a bunch’a BS about how Lala is misrepresenting herself to Lisa. Who cares? Queen can take care of herself – she’s your goddamn BOSS. And you’re not her henchman.
Meanwhile, the bartenders of SUR are gathering to learn two of the most popular cocktails from PUMP. There’s a lil’ bit of sour grapes competition going around, with the SUR staff feeling like they shouldn’t have to “learn” anything from PUMP. Well ya do, so SHUT UP. Like, are we serious? You’re BARTENDERS. Learning how to make as many popular new drinks as you can is, like, YOUR ENTIRE CAREER TRAJECTORY. Lisa walks in and announces that they’re going to learn how to make the PUMPtini and the Pump & Glory (there’s something real, real dirty about that drink name, and I dig it).
Apparently, the SUR bartenders don’t have so much a problem about learning the new drinks as they do learning them from Eric, the bar manager at PUMP. Lisa loves Eric, and according to Ken, Eric’s his right-hand man. And when Eric walks in, he ushers in probably one of my all-time favorite moments of Vanderpump Rules: Lisa announces that they’ll all be working together at some point – “Maybe at some parties, or another event” and Jax is audibly going, “No. Nope. Not gonna happen.” LIKE HE’S IN FREAKING KINDERGARTEN AND IS GIVING HIS PARENTS ATTITUDE ABOUT HAVING TO SHARE HIS POOL TOYS WITH HIS BRATTY COUSIN. It’s so immature, inappropriate, and disrepectful that it’s also freaking hilarious. Ken is like, “You’ll work when we tell you to work,” and this is Jax’s face in response:
Ken, however, puts his foot down and tells Jax that if he can’t accept Eric, he can leave and not work for him anymore. THEN you see Jax grow up justaninch and be all, “Oh, okay.”
So they go to the bar, and Eric announces that the first drink he’s going to make is the PUMPtini, and “I actually came up with this drink myself.”
“Okay, big dick,” Jax says. HE REALLY SAID THAT, YOU GUYS. IN FRONT OF HIS BOSSES AND EVERYTHING. AND, LIKE, HE SAID IT OUT LOUD, FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO HEAR.
Everybody’s like, “that’s so disrespectful” and Jax immediately apologizes, calling it a “slip.” Eric informs the crew that the PUMPtini is Jennifer Lawrence’s favorite cocktail.
“She comes here, too, a lot. She loves it here,” Jax pipes in, like a jealous little schoolboy.
Eric makes the drink, Lisa comments on how sexy it looks, and Jax blurts out, “Did you build the restaurant, too, or?” Everyone else glares at him. “I mean, I’m just asking if he built the restaurant.”
Oh, JAX. You’re such a little boy in a if-you’re-personality-wasn’t-inside-of-it-it-would-be-objectively-hot man’s body.
It’s a swinging night at Sexy Unique Restaurant! Ariana and Tom talk to Faith about giving her Tom’s semen-stained couch, and Lisa tells Katie and Scheana that she wants them to come to PUMP the next day for a serving refresher. Katie looks annoyed, Scheana puts on her best “Whatever you want, Lisa!” wide-eyed look and nods. Lisa struts off and Katie notices that there’s something up with Scheana. “I’ll tell you later,” Scheana tells her. “I don’t want to get into it now.”
Lisa walks over to the hostess station and begins quizzing Lala about her “modeling” job in Venice – “Who was the photographer? Who were you modeling for? Where as the location?” Goddammit that woman is CLEVA. Lala laughs and tells her not to quiz her, and Lisa’s like, “Bitch, you took off of work for four days, I can quiz you if I WANTS to!” Then she just calls it out: “You didn’t really have a modeling job, did you.”
This is Lala’s coy face.
Like, how does anyone NOT think you’re lying when you look like this, Lala?
So Lala comes clean and tells Lisa that the trip was basically for her to be arm candy. But she didn’t end up going anyway, because she went home instead. She tells Lisa that she had a little bit of a breakdown and needed her mama, so her mama flew her home on Thursday for a little home time. Lisa gets her concerned face on and asks why she had a breakdown, and Lala tears up and tells her that it’s hard when girls are talking smack about the fact that she was gonna maybe, you know, give some blowies in exchange for a free trip to Venice. Lisa tells Lala that she’s worried about her, and Lala does the thing where she just manufactured sympathy from someone but now tells them that they don’t need to worry about her (because that means that Lisa will be watching her closely, which is not what she actually wants – she just wants to get out of being in trouble).
Speaking of breakdowns, Scheana’s having one by the POS system. Katie notices and calls out to Scheana, and just like any dramatic reality TV star would, Scheana ignores her and rushes off to the bathroom in a classic move of “Leave Me Alone But Also Follow Me To The Bathroom & Force Me To Tell You What’s Wrong”. So Katie follows her in there and we learn that Shay was out drinking with his pals when he called Scheana and told her that he’s been really depressed and not feeling good, and she hasn’t seen him since. He’s staying at his parents house, she tells Katie. “Like, he’s just not happy.” Katie is shocked: She’s never seen Scheana have any problems with Shay.
The one really gratifying thing about this situation is that it really becomes evident just how close Katie and Scheana have become, and how Katie genuinely cares about Scheana now. Which is refreshing, when you remember how Katie barely tolerated Scheana last season out of loyalty to Stassi.
Suck it, Stassi.
I’ll Give YOU a Cover Try…
Lisa arrives at PUMP carrying one of her pet swans – you know, as one does – who has just been to the vet.
Katie and Scheana are complaining about having to be trained, but Katie looks on the bright side at the fact that there will be eye candy:
Richardson, said eye candy, is a server at PUMP and is both handsome and filled with personality. Apparently he’s Lisa’s main guy when it comes to service, as he’s been working for her at Villa Blanca for years. He kind of hits on Katie at one point, which is actually kind of cute. Katie tells us that half of her wants to tell him to “pump” (get it?) the breaks, and the other half wants to look him up in 6 months if she doesn’t have a ring on her finger.
Katie’s Flirty Face. GET IT GURL!
fiancés boyfriends, Schwartz walks into the Rubber Ducky for a modeling job with two chicks. The photographer tells him that they’re going for a cover try.
“I know what it is but what’s the definition of a cover try?” Schwartz asks.
First of all, if you know what it is, then you don’t have to ask for the definition. Second, YOU HAVE ONE JOB, SCHWARTZ. ONE JOB, AND IT’S MALE MODELING. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A COVER TRY IS? No wonder Katie was suspicious of Lala’s “modeling” job in Venice because of how Schwartz has never been flown to Europe to work…the guy is a failure at what he does. Even I know what a cover try is, and I’ve never even modeled a goddamn day in my entire life!
(Actually, that’s not true – I was the child model for a series of newspaper ads for a local nursing home in Halstead, MN, and then I also did some modeling back when I was 19 and working at a bible camp. Really groundbreaking, edgy stuff)
Luckily, someone else is there who knows what modeling is, and explains it to him. This is his dumb face when he realizes how dumb he is:
Let me be clear: Lots of you have given me pushback for being so mean to sweet, dumb Schwartz. I’m mean to everyone on this show, with the exception of Peter and Lisa. And maybe Ariana. That’s how these recaps work: I get to entertain you with how mean and evil I am by saying what everyone else is thinking but are too nice to either admit to it or say it out loud. And right now? Schwartz is a dummy-dum-dum-dumbo-dummy. He makes money by MODELING. He has a girlfriend who has stuck around FOREVER, even though he’s been a putz about giving her the commitment she wants. He can’t even stick out ONE SHIFT of bartending at PUMP. HE GOT A FUCKING PERM – THAT WASN’T EVEN A REAL PERM! – FOR GODSAKES.
I feel like a lil’ making fun is in order, mmkay?
So anyway. He models – and I will admit that he’s maybe a pretty good model, some of that print work looked pretty good, mostly because I probably wouldn’t have even recognized him if I saw those ads in magazines – and talks about how it’s good – or sorry, CLUTCH is the word he uses – that he’s getting work because he’s saving up for an engagement ring for Katie.
We’re gonna have to talk about this for the whole entire season, aren’t we? You’re not even going to propose until the season finale, are you, Schwartz? GOD. You guys are so BORING.
And then he fucking calls him and Katie “TomKat”.
NOPE. FUCK YOU. FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU TOM SCHWARTZ. YOU JUST EARNED YOURSELF ANOTHER 3 RECAPS OF MERCILESS MOCKING.
Krisss-tin, I’m So ‘appy That I’ve Cheated On You But You’ve Pretended To Forgive Me, Krisss-tin
Then we’re forced to watch James and Kristen sit by the pool and drink cocktails out of real glasses (you kidding me? YOU USE PLASTIC CUPS BY BODIES OF WATER, YA DUMMIES. POOL SAFETY FIRST!) and talk about their bogus relationship. James doesn’t regret bonin’ Jenna, cause it was really good sex, see? ‘E feels bad about lyin’ to Kriss-tin about ‘tit, but what can you do, yeah? Then he brings up the fact that he doesn’t trust Jax around Kristen, which Kristen secretly loves because the thought that James thinks Jax would ever even try anything with her ever again blows up her already inflated ego.
Anyway. These guys are the worst.
Meanwhile, Lisa walks up on Katie and Scheana talkin’ trash about Lala, and Lisa reminds them of what it’s like to be the new girl and asks them to be kind. Of course, instead of thinking about someone else, Scheana turns it all around on herself, tearily telling Lisa that she just has a lot of stuff going on in her life right now and she can guarantee that what she’s going through is bigger than ANYTHING else Lala could be going through.
Of course it is. Of COURSE it is, Scheana. What you’re going through is ALWAYS more important than what anyone else is going through! If you thought of anyone before you thought of yourself, you just wouldn’t be Scheana!
And not saying that what she’s going through right now isn’t bad – but. I mean. It’s annoying to have watched Scheana get bullied by Stassi when she was the new girl at SUR, and now watch her turn that behavior right around on Lala.
Two Toms, One Couch
Good news! The couch that Tom is giving Faith isn’t the couch that Jax and Kristen had hot sex on when they were cheating on their mutual significant others! No, that couch is staying…instead, he’s giving Faith another couch that apparently was copiously jizzed on by both him and Schwartz at different times in their lives!
Feel better? Yeah. Me, too. Faith probably doesn’t, tho!
Schwartz and Tom move the couch out onto the street, and then they talk about how Schwartz has reached his “inner zen” with proposing to Katie – it’s about fucking time, yo. Why are we giving Schwartz awards for *finally* committing to Katie after a zillion years of being together? – and how Shay has been drinking a lot.
Faith rolls up in her U-Haul, and they load the couch into the truck. I like Faith – she seems cool, which means that we’ll probably not see her again for the rest of the season.
Meanwhile! At Sexy Unique Restaurant, Lala and Jax are taking a break together and talking shit about how mean the girls at SUR are.
This is actually the part of the season where I start to kind of like Lala – she talks about how she’s heard that girls “get Jaxxed”, and that she doesn’t know what that is, but “it sounds fun”, and that she’s a girl’s girl and would much rather hang out with a group of girls than guys, which…is surprising. Usually a man-eater like Lala will tell everyone from here until Tuesday about how she likes guys better because they’re “less catty” than girls. I really like girls who like girls, so there’s some points in there for her. AND, unlike the rest of the cast, she retains the actual ability to say stuff like, “Bye shug” without sounding like a total poseur.
Meanwhile! Back at Scheana’s Holding Pen For Wedding Photo Posters, Ariana and her are hanging out on her bed and talking about what’s going on with Scheana and Shay.
Basically, Scheana tells Ariana that everything is not perfect and Shay is really unhappy and has been drinking a lot and she’s starting to feel like maybe getting married was a mistake. Which…I mean. I’m not a total monster…that shit is tough, and I feel bad that she’s questioning whether or not her and Shay are going to come out of this. But what I feel like they really should be talking about is the fact that if you’re going to have THAT many photos your wedding, then at least have the respect and decency to frame and hang them properly. Because, c’mon. That shit just looks ridiculous.
Tea & Sympathy
Lisa strolls into SUR and chats with James about her swans, makes a joke about Jax’s drug use (always a good time), and states that James needs Kristen in his life like he needs a boil on his ass.
Which is maybe not my favorite metaphor of hers, but it’s true.
Then we’re forced to watch Schwartz, Tom, and Scheana shop for engagement rings for Katie. He starts a laugh riot by telling everyone that he initially wants to spend $4-5,000 on a ring. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Schwartz, YOU JOKER! It’s an engagement ring, you asshole. You cheated on her last year, you’ve kept her hanging on for 20 years, and now you wanna drop less on a ring than you would on a beater car?!? The ring is going to last for
the rest of her life the next five years, or however long she can stand being married to a dummy. You need to step up on this one, bro.
Which he does, after he sees a rad diamond that has a lot of “fire”. They all click champagne glasses, and the torture is finally over.
So it looks like Jax was paying a lil’ more attention to giving Eric a tough time vs. actually learning the new drinks, because Scheana requests one and he’s like, “Uhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh.” Tom brings up Shay, and Scheana shuts him down by telling him that she doesn’t want to talk about it right now. Jax, in a rare moment of empathy, observes that Scheana’s really upset about Shay. Tom mentions that he’s thinking about reaching out to him.
Then we see James chattin’ up Lala. “I heard some’a the girls are gettin’ a lil’ antsy in their pantsies,” James says. Really? Is that, like, an actual thing you say? Lala responds by telling him that they all think she’s going to sleep with their boyfriends, and James asks her if she likes sleeping with other girl’s boyfriends – “tell me the truth.” She describes a hypothetical scenario of a guy hitting on her and them hooking up and then her finding out later that he has a girlfriend, and James is like, “That wouldn’t be your fault” and she’s like, “Right, that would be your fault”, and James is like, “No, that wouldn’t be my fault, because I don’t cheat on my girlfriend.
You know you’re on camera, right, James? Like, they went over this with you that things you say will be shown to other people, yeah?
Check out James’ Classic Lying Face.
They do a lil’ flirtin’ dance about whether or not James has her back or not, and then they hug and Lala tells us that she doesn’t go for the skinny guys, but there’s just something about James The DJ…
Lisa and Scheana sit down over some tea and talk about Shay’s substance abuse issues. Apparently he’s been doing about 5 pills a day – of VALIUM, omg – and then also drinks a ton and Scheana feels both betrayed and super worried. Lisa brings up the fact that first year of marriage is the hardest – and honestly, from everything I know about marriage, that’s very true – but that it’s completely understandable that Scheana would feel betrayed and that Shay’s guilty by omission.
And that’s where our episode ends – with Scheana crying and Lisa looking on with concern.
Next week! James and Kristen go to therapy! James and Lala hang out! Tom talks about Shay and Scheana! Scheana and friends hold an intervention for Shay!
See you next week, Vanderpets!
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