What’s up, VanderPets!
(You guys like that? I literally just made that up)
Sorry for the delay on this week’s recap – I’ve been super ultra busy this week with hunting down new writing opportunities (if you know of anyone looking for a copywriter with a sense of humor or a publication seeking a TV recap columnist, please let me know!) and I didn’t realize that anyone might be legitimately waiting to read my take on Tom using the word “adulting” (ooooh…you juuuuuust wait…), so. Apologies for the delay, thanks for worshipping my recaps, congrats on your great taste, etc. But the bonus of being so late with this one is that I’ll be doing last week’s and this week’s back-to-back, so now you get to read TWO recaps in ONE day!
That’s right, babes…I’m always thinking of you.
Well, me. I’m mostly thinking of me, but sometimes you!
As Queen Lisa would say: Let’s get on with it, shall we?
Just Another Dramatic, Meaningless Non-Work Day at SUR!
Our episode kicks off with Lisa walking into Sexy Unique Restaurant and stopping to chat with Lala, a new host. Lala managed to make it into the Hall of SUR Shame within the first two minutes of the show by stating that she was “everyone’s type” when Lisa tried to warn her about Jax and how she was definitely his type.
I miss Vail. When is sweet, unassuming Vail coming back? Where did she go? I MISS HER!
While Lisa obviously appreciates that kind of moxie – remember when Ariana told her that if she wanted to steal Tom away from Kristen, it would have already happened, he would already be hers? So much self-
delusionconfidence at SUR! – she also makes a highly-solid prediction that while the boys are going to love Lala, the girls probably won’t.
Then we meet Faith, who gets tested on the table numbers by Lisa. I feel you, gurl – it took me almost six months before I even cared about the table numbers at a brewpub that had, maybe, 12 tables, max. Faith obviously recognizes that Lisa is amazing, because it’s apparent that she’s nervous about impressing Lisa, which…I like you, Faith. You seem smart, even if you don’t know how to memorize table numbers.
Scheana (side note, WordPress tried to autocorrect that to “Schooner”) walks into SUR and joins Gay Jesse and Katie at The Table Where Sugar Condiments Go To LIVE! James and Katie were just talking about how Katie’s driving “that Struggle Bus” and how Jesse “owns that bus” and THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO USE THAT SLANG TERM, CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TRYING TO SOUND COOL BECAUSE YOU RUIN EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD WHEN YOU TRY. Like, do these guys just like, check up on the new haps of the Urban Dictionary on a regular basis? And shouldn’t there be a rule against incredibly-uncool-but-thinks-they’re-really-cool people being able to use nerd terms like “Struggle Bus”? It’s kind of like your lame uncle using “on fleek”, except that might actually be hilarious, where this is just insufferable. Katie, more and more you’re starting to turn into a genuinely nice person, but you need to have self-awareness: You can’t stay stuff like that non-ironically. It just makes you look like you’re trying to hard.
It’s makes you look like you’re Kristen.
Scheana is not doing well – omg, you guys, so much drama! Sooooooo much drama from last night. James got sooooo drunk at her Decades Party the night before, which – try to follow this logic here – because it escalated the situation between him and Kristen at her party, and Ariana didn’t want Kristen at the party in the first place, now it’s Schaena’s problem that James got so drunk.
I know. It doesn’t make any sense. The bottom line is that there’s drama and Schaena is right in the middle of it, which she says is a place she doesn’t want to be but we all KNOW that it’s actually a place she really loves to be.
Anyway! The good news is that Kristen left James at the party and apparently he left with Schaena’s friend Jenna and they TOTALLY BONED! We know this because Kristen broke into James’ email and found an Uber receipt from James’ house to Jenna’s house at 6:08 in the morning. They left the party at 3. Which means they were obviously sexing it up until the Smoking Gun Uber (really? Is that what we’re calling it?) happened three hours later.
Lisa’s having tea with her manager when Lala interrupts to tell them that she has a “booking” in Italy on Thursday, and she won’t be back until Monday. Apparently Lala has been acting and modeling since she was 12 – cue lots of naked “modeling shots” – so she considers that her “real” job, and having to answer to someone “kills” her.
Then why are you working at SUR? If you’re a legit model, why the FUCK do you have to hostess somewhere?
Anyway, Lisa and the manager – who has AMAZING skin, btw – kind of just roll their eyes and tell her to give them more notice the next time, and Lala trots off.
Scheana and Katie hang out behind the restaurant, talking about how Kristen WON’T STOP texting Scheana about the James and Jenna thing, calling Schena a bitch, etc. Why do you consider Kristen a friend, Scheana? Luckily, Jax shows up right then with Britney (a.k.a Kentucky), who’s apparently in town on a visit…maybe indefinitely? Jax is going to introduce Britney to Lisa in hopes that Lisa will hire her. Which is hilarious mostly because Britney is literally wearing a lingerie onsie:
I mean. Right?
Please Hire My Kinda-But-Not-Really Girlfriend
Jax interrupts Lisa and her manager to basically beg Lisa to be nice to “this one.” Jax tries to tell both her and us that this one is different. Even though he literally says that about EVERY single girl he’s been with since Stassi. Britney is introduced, and Lisa basically asks her if she has a resume. Of course not! Who brings a resume to a meeting with the owner of a restaurant? The good news is that Britney works at a bar right across from some stadium, so she’s used to really high-volume situations. Fuuuck, you guys…you know a girl like that has to be making MEGA BANK at that place. Goddamn it…I’m going to write a Guide To Your Early 20s, and one of the chapters is going to be about how, if you’re cute and have a decent body, fuck school and career…go work at a bar across from a stadium, because you’ll literally be making more money than a decent lawyer. And then when your boobs start to fall a little and your face starts to take on that war-weary look, then you can go to college and get a degree in marketing or PR or whatever hot girls pretend to study these days.
While Brit-Brit is chatting with Lisa, Jax and Katie are just, you know, hanging out at work, getting paid to chat with each other about stuff while a camera films them. Lala walks up and Jax invites her to a friends-and-drinks thing the next night, and from there we somehow learn that Lala is now living in Stassi’s old bedroom. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? DOES THIS MEAN LALA IS THE NEW STASSI?! HAS A PARALLEL UNIVERSE COLLIDED WITH OUR UNIVERSE, CAUSING RUPTURES IN REALITY AS WE KNOW IT?
No. It just means that SUR servers like to find roommates in other SUR servers, because have you checked out real estate in LA lately? You’d practically have to be a SUR server who legitimately works for tips in order to afford your own apartment.
Brit-Brit and Lisa finish up their interview – Britney needs to drop off a resume, and maybe “put trousers on the next time” she comes in for an interview. Which is true, but who are we kidding…Britney is never going to have to interview for a real job for the rest of her life.
Conversations About A Relationship I Literally Could Not Care Less About
Then we are assaulted from having to watch and hear Schwartz talking puppy-talk to his and Katie’s dog Gordo. They “really lucked out” with Gordo, Katie tells us…really? Is Gordo, like, gonna go get a college degree and support you in your old age? It’s a fucking DOG, yo. I’m glad that he’s cute and sweet, but have you met other dogs? Anyway – the conversation naturally flows from talking about what a “commitment” getting the dog was and what that means for Tom and Katie’s relationship. They’re about nine months in to the 6 month ultimatum that Katie has given him, which, according to Schwartz, the more she’s backed off, the more he’s been wanting to make a commitment to Katie. “We’re thriving right now!”
Ugh. You guys. I don’t even care about Katie and Schwartz right now. Like, I literally could not care LESS if they got engaged or not. YOU GUYS ARE BORING. A THRILLING LOVE STORY YOU ARE NOT. SOMEDAY I HOPE TO NEVER BE IN AS BORING OF A RELATIONSHIP AS YOU GUYS HAVE.
Then Schwartz takes us through his current priorities, which includes – in no particular order – Katie, Gordo, perm, and career.
Fuck this guy. Please read a book, Schwartz. Maybe even a thought-piece on Gawker. Anything that might actually give you something of actual worth to think about.
James and Krissss-tin Break Up
Kristen and James meet up at a depressing, empty bar to talk about the fact that James banged Jenna. James tries to lie about it first – that guy is a total liar, full-stop…he doesn’t even try to HIDE the fact that he lies about stuff – and Kristen asks if he wants to see the Uber receipt she found in his email. Which, I don’t know what’s better…that Kristin readily admits that she broke into his email, or that James is totally caught in his lie. Kristen tells us that people give her shit for always snooping in her boyfriend’s email and they tell her that she’s paranoid, but she “finds something every. single. time.”
And you always will, Kristen. Because that’s how snooping works. When you have to break into your boyfriend’s email, it’s practically a guarantee that he’s going to cheat on you…he’s either cheating on you already because you’re a paranoid psycho, or he figures that you don’t trust him anyway, so why not cheat? See how that works? Get some more therapy, ’cause ya still crazy.
Kristen tells him that they’re done, and then she leaves – James can pay for her pinot grigio, thankyouverymuch – and stalks/cries out to her BMW convertible. She tells us that she thought that he loved her so much, and it’s hurtful, you know? It’s hurtful. She did everything for him.
Really? Like conspire to get your old boyfriend back everything? Like talk constantly about how obsessed you still are about your ex-boyfriend everything? Like nag and belittle and treat your boyfriend like he’s your son everything?
Dranks & Skanks!
Erry-body’s hanging out, having drinks and catching up with the people they see literally every single day of their lives. Lala and Faith show up and introduce themselves to anyone they don’t already work with every single day of their lives, and then Jax shows up with Britney. Faith and Lala try to get to know Britney while Katie and Ariana literally spend the whole time on their phones, texting and tweeting and ‘Gramming about how they could literally care less about Jax’s new non-girlfriend.
OMG. And THEN.
We have to learn about Jax’s dirty, stinky feet fetish. He “likes them stinky”, you guys. Fucking gross, dude. I don’t usually judge people for their fetishes – I once knew a guy who loved nothing more than going down on a girl *after* she went to the gym. I maybe prefer anime porn over regular porn, because it’s like dirty cartoons with princesses and warriors and stuff. Everybody’s got their something – and like, the feet thing doesn’t entirely gross me out. But stinky feet? DIRTY feet? Jax, you literally possess no redeeming qualities right now, and it’s like you’re legit intent on just piling the wood on top of the already raging Most Reprehensible Man In LA Outside of Actual Criminals & Stuff bonfire.
Katie starts giving Lala shit about whether or not she’s going to be unreliable because of her “modeling” work, and then to us she brings up the fact that she doesn’t really believe that Lala is being flown out to Italy to “model”…”They don’t just “fly” you out to Italy for a modeling job…they have plenty of their own models there.” Really? Because I actually feel like they fly models out to Italy and France and England and The Cayman Islands and New Zealand and BASICALLY EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD if they want *you*, specifically, for that modeling job. Just because your low-rent model of a
fiancé boyfriend doesn’t get a free trip to Venice doesn’t mean other (nudie) models don’t.
Oh my god. And THEN. And THEN we have to see Kristen’s “I’m sad and heartbroken and it’s over but it’s not really because I’m letting you walk into my apartment to talk and make it all up to me even though I’m going to hold this against you for the rest of our lives but don’t I look sad and sympathetic right now even though nobody in America or even the entire world actually gives one single shit about how I feel because that’s what happens when you become a completely unsympathetic crazy character on a reality TV show” face as James walks into her apartment for their heart-to-heart over his cheating with Jenna.
The best is when she tells us that she’s made a lot of mistakes when she was with Tom…”I was crazy and reactive, so…” So? So you’re still exactly that same way in this new relationship with this new person and absolutely nothing about you has actually changed, is what you’re trying to say?
I do love hearing James say “Kriss-tin” a thousand times when he lies to her, though. “Kriss-tin, I don’t know why, Kriss-tin.” He tells her that, 100%, on ‘is lyyyfe, he “did not ‘ave sex with ‘er.” He tells her that he only made out with her, and she presses him for details, and he tells her that he *might* have tried undressing her by taking her top off. I don’t know why having to hear him say that grosses me out so much, but it does.
Not as much as having to see/hear Kristin cry about how she’s “really, really sad” when she’s not with James, though! He kisses her forehead and then tells us that the truth is, he and Jenna “were definitely bonin’!”
HAHAHAHAHAHA! James is an awful human being.
“James decided that he wanted to have the balls to tell me the truth,” Kristen tells us. “Which tells me that he wants to work on this.”
The above is what “self-delusion” looks like.
Kristen is also an awful human being.
They’re perfect for each other!
More Idiot Jokes From Idiot Tom
“Welcome to Jones LA!” a counter person calls out to Tom and Ariana as they enter a furniture store.
“Is this the place that people come when they want to keep up with The Joneses?” Tom asks.
Imagine the longest, most-put-upon, you-are-an-insufferable-idiot-loser sigh a person can make.
It is the sound that I, the counter person, and the world made in response to that joke.
Tom and Ariana are looking for a new couch. They find one they like, and Tom proceeds to hump Ariana on it. You’re so funny, Tom! You’re so crazy and zany! What a great sense of humor you have, Tom! Life is just a bucket of laughs when you’re around!
“We’re adulting right now,” Ariana tells Tom, after they’re done HUMPING IN PUBLIC ON A STORE’S COUCH.
“Adulting is about getting really excited about doing things you never really understood why your parents got excited about. But now you do. Because you’re adulting.”
I don’t know if I can do this, you guys.
I don’t know if I want to put myself through this anymore, you know? It’s like…the pain. The pain of having to listen to Tom give us the exact definition of a word that he picked up from Twitter or Instagram or from being one of the last people in the universe to still watch The Real World…I just don’t know I want to continue doing this to myself.
Also, fuckers, buying a new $2,000 couch isn’t exactly “adulting.” Decorating your apartment or going on shopping sprees or humping your girlfriend in a public place isn’t fucking “adulting.” Adulting is when you spend your Saturday raking your leaves or you pour yourself a glass of wine and put on some Otis Redding as you prepare to file your taxes on time. You can’t even get your faux-language right, you dickwads.
STOP TRYING TO BE FUNNY OR COOL OR SMART. YOU’RE HANDSOME. OTHER PEOPLE CAN BE PRETTY AND SMART OR PRETTY AND COOL OR PRETTY AND FUNNY, BUT NOT YOU. YOU HAVE PROVEN THAT YOU ACTUALLY CANNOT BE ANY OF THOSE THINGS OUTSIDE OF BEING HANDSOME, SO JUST BE OKAY WITH BEING HANDSOME. STRONG AND SILENT, TOM. JUST BE STRONG AND SILENT HANDSOME, EMPHASIS ON THE SILENT PART.
Ariana brings up the whole Scheana and Kristen stuff, and basically states that she’s never going to give Scheana an ultimatum or cut her out of her life for hanging out with Kristen, but she doesn’t understand why Scheana wouldn’t respect her wishes when it comes to being around Kristen herself (like, you know, at Scheana’s parties and stuff). I actually really like Ariana – she’s probably one of the only people on this show who seems to possess any kind of intelligence or self-awareness, and she’s a ballsy babe who knows how to stand up for herself.
The Mystery of Fake Modeling Trips To Venice: Super-Sluths Scheana & Katie Are On The Case!
Back at SUR, where these people supposedly work, Lisa walks into the bar and is immediately asked by Jax whether or not she’s going to hire Britney. She’s like, “Yo, where’s her resume, and also, does she own pants” and he’s like, “you’re right, I’m wrong, you’re smart, I’m dumb, you’re beautiful, I’m only attractive in like that literal sense where if you saw a photo of me you might be up for banging me but once I open my mouth it’s kind of all over.”
Katie and Scheana are having a nice conversation about how they’re so nice and love everyone and they never judge others for doing the same things they do and before they think about pointing a finger they always think about the three pointing back to them!
JK/LOL. They’re totally being catty bitches about Lala.
Katie brings up Lala’s “modeling” trip in Venice, and how her low-rent
fiancé boyfriend gets plenty of modeling jobs but has never gotten one from Europe (also, he’s a male model, and the industry is totally different for them vs. females). Scheana pulls up Lala’s Instagram, the message of which she intelligently deduces that Lala likes to be done “in the ass.”
And the problem with that would be….? Maybe some girls LIKE anal, Scheana. Don’t even try to tell me that Eddie Cibrian didn’t try to get a lil’ ass play…that’s, like, the whole point of getting a young and dumb mistress – you can convince them to do everything your wife won’t do.
Except, well…never mind. I feel like maybe that’s a boundary that Brandi’s not afraid to cross. And you can tell just by looking at her that LeeAnn is all over that shit.
Okay. Maybe literally, too.
Scheana surmises that this “modeling” job is actually just a sponsored trip by some rich dudes where her and bunch of other girls take selfies on top of a yacht, which…again, the problem with that would be…? I once seriously considered just going out on a bunch of dates with guys from OKC with the hopes that they would at least buy me dinner, because that’s the dark places your mind takes you down when you’re a broke writer who’s literally living on rice and eggs, so forgive me if I’m in Lala’s camp on this one. I mean…I probably wouldn’t give anyone blowjobs as payback, but that’s a sitch you can also easily talk yourself out of by offering boob-play instead.
So Katie and Scheana decide that they’re going to confront Lala about this, because it’s totally their business and they completely have the right to know.
Katie starts out this “nice” conversation by basically inferring that she has a lot of modeling friends in Europe so why would they need LALA to be there unless she’s a supermodel and Lala’s like, “are you saying I could never be a supermodel?” and then Katie tells her that she has a “beautiful ass profile picture” but that she knows better than to believe Lala’s story.
(My video stream literally froze as Katie was making this face, which was probably my absolutely favorite moment of this entire episode)
The surprising thing is that Lala actually admits that she told Lisa that it was a modeling job but that it’s actually exactly what Scheana predicted it was. “It’s a free trip to Italy. I mean, I’m not going to pass it up.” I WOULDN’T EITHER, BAE! GET IT! GET THAT FREE TRIP TO ITALY!
“So what do you have to do for that free trip?” Scheana asks.
“Luckily I’m just a fun bitch to be around, so I get to keep my legs closed.”
“But what about your mouth?”
Really, Scheana? Can we talk for the 50th time about how you were a C-level actor’s mistress and literally broke up a marriage because of it? But keep going on with your judgement about someone else’s activities….
Oh, but Scheana’s actually upset about the fact that Lisa is not just her boss, she’s her friend, and so she doesn’t like that Lala is deceiving her right under Scheana’s nose.
So then, Scheana trots off to complain to Ariana about how Kristen won’t stop texting her about the James and Jenna thing. She tells Ariana about how Kristen called her a rude bitch, and Ariana’s like, “Jigga what?” Scheana tries to somehow then stick up for Kristen by stating that Kristen hasn’t done anything “totally insane” to her the way she’s done that stuff to Tom. “Or ME,” Ariana points out. Again: Where the fuck is your loyalty, Scheana?
Or here it is! “It’s never easy being friends with both Kristen and Ariana because I’m constantly in the middle.”
(My streaming also started buffering while Scheana was making this face, which made this the second most favorite moment of the entire episode)
OH! Now we get it! You actually LIKE being in the middle of this, because then you feel like you’re important.
“Thing is, I’ve been friends with Kristen a lot longer…”
What? No you haven’t. Someone being hugely rude to you until they lose all their other friends and has no one else to be friends with except for naive little you does not retroactively make the two of you friends during that time, too. Kristen HATED you, Scheana. HATED. YOU. She treated you like shit, and you can bet a MILLION DOLLARS that if Stassi came by tomorrow and was like, “Kristen, I want you to be my best friend again but only if you stop being friends with Scheana” she would drop you in a SECOND.
A Very Important Scheana & Kristen Friendship Summit
Then we get to see Scheana’s apartment, which basically a couple of leather couches and a LIKE A MILLION POSTERS OF HER WEDDING PHOTOS.
Scheana tries to tell Kristen that it’s not okay to send her a ton of texts basically making her feel like a terrible person. “So that was my problem. So I’m the reason that James and Jenna hooked up. It’s my fault.”
Uh. I mean…yeah, actually. He’s either cheating because he’s not happy with you or he’s cheating because he’s a terrible person, and you’re still okay with being with him regardless of both. So. I mean. It is kind of your problem.
Scheana also tells her that it’s kind of her fault because she left James. And then she tells Kristen that she has no self-awareness, and she gets involved in these situations yet refuses to see that the thing they all have in common is her. Then she tells her that it’s come to the point where she can no longer be friends with all parties any longer.
According to Kristen, though, none of this is any of her fault and Schaena’s just trying to shift the blame onto her to save her from having to admit that this actually all about Tom and Ariana…that if Schaena’s friends hadn’t hooked up with TWO of her boyfriends now, none of this would be happening.
What do Tom and Ariana have to do with the fact that your NOW-boyfriend cheated on you?
This girl. Such a smart gem, this one.
And that’s our episode! Hopefully the next one has way more Peter in it, because I’m not watching this show just so I can see a second of Peter delivering a drink, Bravo.
If you’ve enjoyed this post, be like Lala’s rich trip-giving dudes and share the wealth by using the handy social buttons below!
And for more posts like this one, g’head and dig into the TV Recap section over at mah port’fol’io.