What’s up Bachelor babies! Welcome back to another season of champagne wishes and red rose dreams – hope you’re ready to take off on the helicopter of validation and cry some of those sweet, sweet white wine tears of joy!
How to watch #TheBachelorette:
1. Turn on TV
2. Find ABC
— Erin Ruberry (@erinruberry) May 24, 2016
— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) May 24, 2016
I’m actually not ready, not even a little bit (maybe you could tell that by the late posting of this episode recap?) but we’re just gonna jump right into it anyway like it’s a hot tub in a open field on a day date!
Last season I went full-throttle on the Bachelor-themed madness – Link Buffet, Live Tweets Edition, AND my regular recap – and despite what my favorite inspirational Instagram account wants me to believe, sometimes even when you’re doing something you love, it can still feel like work.
Like, a LOTTA work.
And thus, by the end of Ben’s season I got so burnt out that I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the season finale recap (also, that might be because it was THREE FUCKING HOURS LONG and that is just ridiculous). And while I feel fully vindicated in my declaration all along that Caila would NOT be the Bachelorette (you LOSE, Reality Steve) and that it would be JoJo and therefore this season truly had all the makings of what might become the greatest Bachelorette season of all time, I still decided to take a lil’ step back this time around from fully bringing the buffet of Bachelorette-themed goodness. Mostly because a lot has changed in my actual personal life since last season in terms of being back in MPLS…like, I have a boyfriend now that I actually get to make out with (sometimes) and also a new corporate job that sometimes wants me to do stuff (stuff that, unbelievably, has nothing to do with The Bachelor franchise). But also, I really, really, really want to actually enjoy this season.
And also because we all know that Bachelor In Paradise is coming up and I’ma need to save my strength for that shiz.
So basically, this season I’ll be doing recaps of each episode and that’s kinda gonna be it. I might do a Link Buffet if there’s some really good stuff that comes on down the line, and I’m still playing with the idea of doing a Bachelor Book Club (OMG you guys I just finished Emily’s book and even though she was way too nice there was still some DELICIOUS DISH in that thing).
So yay, guys! Bachelorette school is back in session, and I’m kind of like Jessie Spano coming back to school after OD’ing on caffeine pills because she tried to take on too much in her life…still a little shaky, maybe a little bit fragile, but, like, rested, and more clear-eyed, and mindful to say no to that spotlight-stealing Kelly Kapowski when she keeps trying to convince me to do stuff with her because I GOTTA TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST FROM NOW ON, KAPOWSKI, SO GET THAT THINLY VIELED NOSE JOB – HELLO, YOU’RE POLISH, NOBODY FROM THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF POLAND HAS A NOSE LIKE THAT – OUTTA MAH FACE!
Anyway! Let’s get this season started, yeah?
Ben Never Promised JoJo A Hotel Rose Garden
Fifteen minutes in and I've only shhh'ed a group of strangers 8X. #TheBachelorette
— mamrie hart (@mametown) May 24, 2016
Just in case you don’t remember – like, you know, in case you’re a amnesiac since the season ended LESS THAN THREE MONTHS AGO – JoJo fell in love with Ben, then watched him “break the rules” and tell her (and Lauren, and all of America) that he was in love. She also asked him not to blindside her (which, like, no one else is ever allowed to do again. This is a show based on the fact that you get eliminated at a rose ceremony so that the rest of America gets to witness, for the first time in their lives, what it is like for a pretty person to actually get dumped and have their heart broken…I know it’s really hard for beautiful people to sometimes understand this, but sometimes you don’t get special treatment just because you ask for it) which of course he did at the Final Rose Ceremony when he dumped her hot butt (and boobs – DAMN that girl has a great rack) for Lauren.
"all i asked of ben was that he completely disregard the format of this show we agreed to be on to spare my feelings" #TheBachelorette
— Claire Fallon (@ClaireEFallon) May 24, 2016
“I just want a love I can count on,” she told us, tearfully, in the limo.
So, of course it makes perfect sense for her to go on a TV show that maintains a horrible track record of helping its stars find everlasting love!
Thus, our season begins with JoJo walking around some hotel garden whilst wearing a Canadian tuxedo, telling us how she didn’t understand how “someone” could be in love with two people at the same time.
I'm confused about this denim outfit choice. #TheBachelorette
— Betsey J (@BetseyJWilkin) May 24, 2016
(PSSSST: This is what we in the Bachelor business call “foreshadowing”)
And then we get the requisite shot of her walking on a beach whilst thinking about a guy getting down on his knee to propose to her:
Can I just say that if I looked like that in a bikini, I seriously would never even try to wear anything else?
Shopping at the mall?
I’m in a bikini.
Taking me to dinner?
I’m showing up in my bikini.
Got a big presentation?
Gonna break out my Power Suit bikini!
The Part of The Show that Proves That Once You’re Done Being a Bachelorette You Have To Get the Same Long Bob as All The Other Former Bachelorettes
But wait! Before JoJo feels REALLY ready to go on this journey, she’s gonna need some advice! And who better to ask than three of the most hated / controversial Bachelorettes of all time?
Like, WHY ARE WE STILL ASKING ALI FOR ADVICE? SHE IS A FAILED BACHELORETTE. SHE WAS READY TO GIVE UP HER PLUSH JOB AT GOOGLE FOR JAKE FUCKING PAVELKA…SHE IS THE LAST PERSON ANYONE NEEDS TO GO TO FOR SOUND ADVICE ON ANYTHING.
— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) May 24, 2016
She also still currently blocks me on Twitter, which I still happen to find totally hilarious:
Also, did you guys know that Tenley blocks me now, too? Apparently someone is really sensitive when you’re all “puke” in response to her “When you think of the people most important to you…do you count yourself?” inspiratweets.
This only makes me sad because she’s good friends with my other boyfriend, JJ Hale.
But I, for one, know that our love will be strong enough to overcome this obstacle.
(JJ might not know it yet, but I know it)
Anyway, I don’t so much mind Des anymore, which is a miracle in and of itself (marriage seems to have mellowed her out, though she is still not forgiven for writing a poetry book about love and baseball) and despite my initial reservations when she was first announced as the Bachelorette, I’m Ride or Die 4 Kaitlyn 4 Eva.
When do we give the other Bachelorette advice? Oh, there's only one this year? My bad. #TheBachelorette
— Kaitlyn Bristowe (@kaitlynbristowe) May 24, 2016
But still. If 20 minutes of my life is going to be wasted away with “I’m so nervous, were you nervous?” chatter, then at least offer up some salacious gossip juicer than just Kaitlyn divulging that “Cupcake was my first kiss.”
“Really?!” The ladies exclaim. “He was your first kiss?”
Please just kill me now. Just let my body gently drift away along the river of white wine that flows from the Bachelor Mansion down to the ocean, where my mermaid soul can finally join my true family of flipper-finned, big-boobed, long-haired sirens who live in and amongst the depths of the sea along the coast of Antigua.
Luckily for us, though, this part of the episode is chockfull of more blindingly insightful nuggets such as:
Kaitlyn did, however, ‘fess up to regrets about boning Nick during her season (seriously, has anyone ever slept with Nick and not regretted it later?), and Ali admitted that she didn’t even really get to know Roberto as a person, but basically just sexually objectified him the entire season and treated him like a piece of meat (real nice, ALI). Des also offered up some more nuggets of wisdom, such as that this is the hardest thing that JoJo will ever do, but it will also be the most rewarding.
All of this advice is basically boiling down to "try and not sleep with them." #TheBachelorette
— The Betchlorettes (@Betchlorettes) May 24, 2016
Des: "It's one of the hardest thing you'll do" she said about getting jet-set all over the world on ABC's dime. #TheBachelorette
— Steve Contorno (@scontorno) May 24, 2016
going on a dating show to lock down a man will definitely be the most rewarding thing jojo has ever done 4 sure #TheBachelorette
— Claire Fallon (@ClaireEFallon) May 24, 2016
And then they make a toast, which is also the point of the show where we notice Ali and Des are only drinking water (which probably means they’re both pregnant but I care so little about the both of them that I don’t even bother fact-checking that, so pretty sure it’s safe to say that they’re just both secretly recovering alcoholics).
I wish they'd discussed business, like which companies they most like doing sponsored posts for on Instagram. https://t.co/xpZqZEwTWU
— Elise Foley (@elisefoley) May 24, 2016
The Part of The Show Where We Become Intimately Acquainted With The Men Who May or May Not Be Staying Past Night One
though it’s supposed to convey the opposite, the bachelorette is how women know for sure there really aren’t any good men left in the world
— Caro (@socarolinesays) May 24, 2016
Quite possibly my favorite part of the entire season is when we get to meet some of the contestants on their own home turf. I love this segment because it’s a fortune-telling segment: It’s always a mix of Broses who are either going to go to the very end, crash and burn the very first night, or become some of the most memorable characters of the season (in either good or bad ways). Sometimes they’ll sneak in one or two who are meaningless to the season, just to throw you off your Bachelor Fantasy draft pick game, but most of the time they’re carefully selected to set you up for some emotional investment.
First, there’s Grant The Fireman from San Francisco!
He’s drawn to helping people! He’s happy with his career and life, and his next step is to find somebody to spend the rest of his life with. I will bet you good McDonald’s money that Grant is being painted as a catch in the beginning much the same way that Ian from Kaitlyn’s season was painted as a catch, but will end up becoming a whiny little betch at some point (also, rumor has it that he either still had a girlfriend or literally dumped her right before going on the show, so that should be fun!).
— Erin Aschow (@erinaschow) May 24, 2016
Then we get to meet Jordan Rodgers…
Jordan, if you don’t know, is Aaron Rodgers’ brother, and whilst he also was once a professional football player, he has also had to live in his brothers’ NFL shadow HIS WHOLE LIFE.
— Good Morning America (@GMA) May 24, 2016
In his own quest for football stardom, he ended up ruining a relationship with a woman he loved because he didn’t make time to hold, fondle, and caress anything else except for the pigskin (that’s what a football is made out of…pigskin. Get it? Instead of holding and fondling and caressing his actual girlfriend he was busy holding and fondling and caressing a FOOTBALL? Hope you got that joke). But now he’s in a place where he’s ready to make love the priority! And he hopes that JoJo makes him his #1 draft pick LOLOLOLOLOL.
(I do, too, tbh. Because I’ve literally said it from the beginning: JoJo is the kind of girl who marries a professional sports player. And from reading the guys’ bios, it looks like Jordan is the only professional sports player this season, so basically he’s already got this thing in the bag…the football bag!
There’s bags in football, right?)
Next up, Alex from Oceanside, California!
Alex didn’t have any direction in life – really hard to believe, being that he’s from OCEANSIDE, CALIFORNIA, brah – but then he enlisted in the Marine Corps! And now he likes to spend his spare time going for hikes in the middle of some dumpy landfill sporting his Marine gear for no discernible reason!
He watched his twin brother fall in love overnight, and so now he thinks that’s what he should do, too, so welcome to The Bachelorette, everybody! These are the quality picks that the ABC producers really combed the entire country for!
Then we get to meet James, a “Bachelor Superfan”.
Yeah, thanks, ABC, but I think I’ll be the judge of whether or not someone’s a “Superfan.”
James the Superfan looks like Lifetime movie male lead where he stalks JoJo and installs hidden cameras in her house. #TheBachelorette
— Marissa D (@marissad415) May 24, 2016
James got into The Bachelor thanks to his mom, and now he has Bachelor viewing parties –
I posted this tweet during the premiere:
— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) May 24, 2016
To which Ari tossed out the James S. burn of the night:
— Ari Ferarri (@AriFerarri) May 24, 2016
And he also does a Fantasy Bachelor every season, which he lost last season because he had Caila going all the way, which basically means he has awful taste and is a horrible person and should probably go home the first night.
And then there’s Evan, a former pastor from Nashville, Tennessee! He really loved being a pastor, but now he’s found a different way to “lift” people’s spirits (literally his words, not mine):
What follows is a lot of horrible double-entendres (said by him) that I won’t even dignify by repeating here.
— Holly Julian (@HollyDurst) May 24, 2016
And then we meet Prince Ali!
Ali is the son of two Iranian immigrants, and felt immense pressure to live up to the examples of his siblings, who are surgeons and other smart people. But in the end Ali decided to do his own thing, so instead he surfs and bartends and plays the piano and skateboards and reads on the couch!
How much do you wanna bet that Ali’s the baby of the family and also his mother’s favorite?
I think he’s going to be a fan favorite (he already is, according to some podcasts and pre-screener viewer friends) but I predict with 100% non-accuracy that he will be sent home before Hometowns.
Also, those eyebrows are giving me some STRONG Peter Gallagher realness.
And then there’s Christian…
Oh, Christian, Christian, Christian…
He does Cross-Fit at 4:30 every morning, works as a telecom consultant (really geeky, nerdy type stuff, but he LOVES IT!) and he grew up biracial, to a black mom and a white dad whose family refuses to even acknowledge him, ’cause his white grandpa is totally racist. He also takes care of his two brothers, WHO LIVE WITH HIM (which is also why he’s so motivated, awwwwww!)
I am already totally in love with Christian. If he doesn’t go all the way and get engaged to JoJo, ABC BETTER MAKE HIM THE NEXT BACHELOR OR ELSE.
Next up is Luke, a rancher from Texas…no wait, excuse me, a WAR VETERAN from Texas:
We know this because ABC makes us watch a really awkward and uncomfortable scene of him visiting the grave of some of his fallen comrades, which feels just a little too military tragedy porn-y and kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I kinda feel like the best way to show respect for our troops is by not dramatizing their deaths to build sympathy for a guy going on a dating show, ya dig?
You know what else leaves bad taste in my mouth? The way he constantly talks in cliches.
This farmer only speaks in country song lyrics. #TheBachelorette
— Jill Biden (@JillBidenVeep) May 24, 2016
But not the way he looks, because HOT DAMN THAT COUNTRY BOY IS SMOLDERING HOT:
He looks like a smoldering combo of Matt Dillon and Billy Crudrup, right?
A Limo Full of Broses
The night has finally arrived! JoJo arrives in the mansion, steps out of the limo, and pauses to give America a chance to marvel at how good she looks. I couldn’t get a good screen grab, so here’s a shot I copped from someone else:
Seriously, you guys…I’m just going to go on record right now and tell you that I’m kind of a little obsessed with JoJo’s whole thing. I love her hair, I love her makeup, I love her choices in evening wear, I love her choices in swimwear, I wish she was a little funnier but what she lacks in humor she makes up for in aspirational Instagram photos of her rocking a bold lip, so…you know. You can’t be everything to everyone all the time. But I’m picking up what she’s putting down, is what I’m saying. So if you find me tweeting and sharing a lot of stories about JoJo’s style (for instance, for the first time ever I will be reading Possessionista for Dana’s fashion coverage as well as for her snarky barbs and hilarious observations), just know that it’s a new day and that JoJo has changed me and that we don’t get older, we get better.
Anyway, JoJo and Chris chat about the fact that she’s back in the mansion that she only left 3 months ago but she still miraculously remembers it so being back there as the Bachelorette literally 90 days later is sooooo crazy, everyone, and then finally, the first limo arrives.
The driveway is always wet because of all the tears that have been shed on it. Next question. #TheBachelorette
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) May 24, 2016
And this is the part of the premiere recap that makes me crazy, because the perfectionist in me feels like I have a duty introduce and recount for you the antics of every single man who arrives, but the realist in me is all “Yo, that’s crazy and also I have a Real Housewives of Dallas episode I would like to watch before I die”, so I’m going to just do my best to sum up the arrivals of the men that you really need to know about and we’re all just going to form a trust tree that those I skim over or don’t talk about are not going to have any great meaning in your life going forward, kay?
Anyway, the very first man to step out of the limo? None other than Mr. Jordan Rodgers, who flashes a winning smile that melts the hearts of millions of girls across America, including myself!
I mean, just because I have a boyfriend now doesn’t mean I’m blind.
Jordan tells JoJo that his parents met and were engaged after only a few months and have now been married for 36 years. Hey, MINE, TOO! My parents met in September, were engaged in November, married in April, and had their first child, my older brother Kris, in August.
No need to overanalyze that timeline! Which, incidentally, only took me about 10 years to figure it out…”So wait…if you guys got married in April of ’76, and Kris was born in August of ’76…”. My mom was adamant that they did not get pregnant until *after* they were engaged, which basically means that she literally got knocked up the night my dad proposed….as if that was going to stop me from having sex before someone at least put a ring on it.
NEWSFLASH, Mom. It worked. I am still an innocent virgin, waiting to give my precious gift to the only man with whom I will spend my life with.
Hey, is The Big Bang Theory on? Maybe you should go watch it!
Anyway. Jordan says this to JoJo as a cheerful encouragement, failing to note that we’ve been through 12 seasons of this so far and have only to see 3 Bachelorettes (Trista, Ashley, and Des) get married to the guys they picked from the show (and don’t even get me started on The Bachelor’s win/lose record). So, nice try, Jordan! Unfortunately, much like your football career, it wasn’t as successful as you hoped it would be.
Derek tells JoJo that the fact that she’s grounded is really sexy to him, which…ew. I do not want to think about what’s sexy to Derek, FYI. Grant arrives and tells her that he’s not going to do what Ben did to her last season: “I’m not going to fall in love with two girls.” Get the fuck outta here, Grant. First, that would be nearly impossible, since you’re on a show that revolves around ONE woman and 25 men. Second, that is a suuuuuper hilarious thing to say considering that you’re supposed to be called out later in the season for still having a girlfriend. James F (there’s a lotta James’ this season, which makes me thinks of Bartels & James wine coolers, which makes me think of parties in my friend Kimmy’s basement den after prom where everyone else started making out in the hot tub except me because I didn’t have a prom date and so instead I tried to get drunk off the wine coolers so I could ignore the groping that was going on all around me but since I did not have the body mass of a small child – I mean, I was thin, okay, but not like, toddler thin – it was therefore nearly impossible for me to get a good buzz off what is basically thinned out cough syrup and thus I ended up crashing onto my sleeping bag later that night still totally sober and thus unable to drown out the sounds of high school seniors attempting to have drunken after-prom sex) told JoJo something that I now can’t remember but also don’t care enough about to go back and figure it out since he’s most certainly going to get cut before we get to the middle of the season. Robby, a former competitive swimmer who almost looks a little too perfect, brings JoJo a bottle of wine and proposes that they drink straight from the bottle in “true Fletcher fashion”. I like that guy. So will JoJo’s mom.
The next limo arrives, bringing Alex; practical joker Will who pretends to “drop” his cards and then HILARIOUSLY mix them up when he reads from them (seriously. Get this guy outta here); Chad, who tells JoJo that he’s “really excited” to be there whilst looking the least excited a human has ever looked:
Ugh, and then there’s Daniel, who comes out of the limo with “Damn, JoJo, back at it again as the next Bachelorette”, a viral Vine joke which JoJo hilariously doesn’t get, mainly because it’s stupidly funny when you see the original but actually stupid when you try to make it your own. Ali comes out looking and acting like a 5 yr old who still doesn’t know words. UGGGHHH and then James TAYLOR (oh, did you notice that everyone else has to settle for a last initial but we actually have to know this guy’s last name because HAHAHAHA he’s a singer-songwriter with the same name as that OTHER singer-songwriter HAHAHAHA GOOD JOKE) comes out with a dumb guitar and they let him sing and I have to run to the bathroom and throw up because I HATE IT when guys try to serenade girls…it’s seriously up there on my list of things (along with magic shows, contortionist displays, and ventriloquy…the latter of which you all learned about last season) that will make me leave the room if they have the bad grace to happen in my presence. Jonathan arrives in a kilt and decides it’s an appropriate opportunity to talk about his Scottish dick (sorry, Jonathon, you’re also half-asian so, according to SCIENCE, you are not fully Scottish below the waist, so my condolences to your future wife).
To which JoJo literally replies, without an ounce of irony, “This is ballsy.”
Sure is, JoJo. If you know anything about the traditional garb of a Scottish man, it suuuuuuuuure is.
OH, but in case you DIDN’T, Jonathan THEN leaves with the parting words of “I’m not wearing any panties.” YO. I AM TRYING TO ENJOY THIS SHOW. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING THE WORD “PANTIES” IN REFERENCE TO ANYTHING, MUCH LESS YOURSELF.
Jonathon walks into the house and Daniel is, like, so pissed that Jonathon is trying so hard.
— Jill Biden (@JillBidenVeep) May 24, 2016
“You shouldn’t try so hard like that. Like it’d be the same thing if I took off my shirt and was like, “look at my body, it’s fucking amazing”, you know, but I’m not gonna do that, right?”
That’s right, Daniel. You are not going to do that, are you.
(Hint: He’s totally is)
And then a guy comes out in a fucking SANTA suit and constantly yells, “JO JO JO JO!”…get it? Like “HO HO HO” only “JO JO JO”?! OMG WHO’S THE PRODUCER WHO LET HIM ON THIS GODAMN SHOW I WILL FIND YOU AND MURDER YOUR DREAMS
And look how they intro him, too. Goddammit. THIS IS AN ADULT SHOW.
Chase arrives in a sunglasses + mustache combo, because he “mustache” her a question, which is painfully cheesy but then forgiven when he takes off the sunglasses to reveal how handsome he is. Jake arrives to tell JoJo that’s he’s an architect and that’s basically the most we’ll ever know about him; Sal gives JoJo some blue balls to squeeze; Coley is also in real estate and hopes to take JoJo “off the market”; Brandon (job description: Hipster) has literally nothing to say to JoJo because he didn’t watch the show at all and knows nothing about her, which is super charming to absolutely no one; and James S. (the “S” is for “Superfan”, remember?) finally shows up. Daniel tells us that there’s a lot of studs here. “JoJo’s a lucky girl, because there’s a lot of good-looking guys there who seem nice.”
This is what I wish he said, though:
Or even this:
Because everyone loves to give us Minnesotans or Wisconsinites crap about our accents thanks to the movie/award-winning miniseries Fargo, but it’s actually the Canadians who take it to a whooole ‘mother vowel-elongating level.
Ready-Made Bachelorette Villain Chad (seriously, have you ever known a Chad who was NOT a dick?), for his part, is sick of sitting there and watching these guys give JoJo this fake or talent-show-style introduction – like Nick, who literally does the splits and then starts to slow-dance with JoJo, or Vinny, a barber from Florida who prepared a “toast” for the two of them (hint: it was on an actual piece of toast), or Peter, who handed her a huge heart pillow. When CHAD signed up for the show, he thought it would be the #1 guys from each state (like a pageant, you mean?). “It almost seems like some of the guys signed up because they actually couldn’t meet a girl.”
And cut to Evan, who basically ejaculates in his pants when he steps out of the limo and sees JoJo. “Oh, God bless America,” he breathes.
Wells, a radio DJ (omg me too), shows up and tells JoJo he brought some friends, which just happens to be All-4-One, whose hit single, “I Swear” was the #1 Slow Song of Choice at every school dance during my sophomore year of high school. James Taylor hates whoever brought those guys, which seems like a strong thing to say considering that you brought your fucking guitar and drained minutes away from our lives with your UNSIGNED, NON-POP-CHART-TOPPING serenade, but I totally get feeling threatened by someone else better than you in your chosen field, so okay.
Christian rolls in on a motorcycle – OH MY GOD COULD THIS GUY BE ANY MORE PERFECT – and Luke strolls in on a goddamn unicorn…but makes sure to mention that it’s “not a real one”:
Within a 5 second conversation – Luke also believes in unicorns, rides horses, and is from Texas – all of America can already tell that unless he turns out to be a serial killer or even just an undercover rude dude with a real salty ‘tude – Luke is gonna slide into the Final 2…or at least make to the Fantasy Suites.
The First Cocktail Party of The Season Begins!
After some choice and not at all sexist or misogynist words from Chad and Luke about how hot JoJo looks in her dress and how she’s like a unicorn – “not crazy, and all hot” – JoJo walks into the mansion to greet her Merry Men!
Evan once again cheers, “God bless America!”, which means that somewhere along the way he said that to a woman in relation to how she looked and she reacted favorably to it, and so now he uses it every single time he sees a beautiful woman hoping for the exact same response. Saint Nick yells “JO JO JO JO!” again, which makes me want to stab something.
If Santa says "Jo Jo Jo" one more time, I'm going to stuff him down the chimney. #TheBachelorette
— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) May 24, 2016
Alex is the one who decides to basically cut her off and ask if he can steal her, and Chad, our Greek Chorus for the evening, tells us that they were all standing in a group and wondering who was going to be the douchebag who would grab her immediately, so apparently “we went ahead and got that out of the way.” Like, why does everyone rag on the person who gets in there first? Unless they’re doing it *every* single time (Hi, Olivia! *waves*) then ease up, homeboys. That’s what you’re there to do. Vinny makes a Napoleon Complex reference, which impresses me merely for the reason that he knows what that is, and then we see Alex doing push-ups while JoJo sits on his back, which REALLY gets the guys going. Fun fact: No guy has ever asked me to sit on his back while he does push-ups. Which frankly I’m now a little offended by.
So we get to see the series of men talking to JoJo, the theme of which is how nervous and tense they all are, much to JoJo’s consternation. She wants to feel a real connection with someone who she can just sit down with and feel that natural ease!
Enter Jordan. They sit down to chat, and it’s apparent right away that they’re both on each other’s level. They just look like they fit. They’re also pretty touchy-feely – he’s rubbing her back, which is kind of hot, and she’s sort of doing that “I’m talking to you and I’m touching you but really I’m just talking to you but really I’m also TOUCHING you” girl thing that we like to do on first dates. When they part ways, the only regret Jordan has is that he didn’t kiss her, but I think we can all agree that it maybe wasn’t the right thing at the right time? Kind of like his football career!
Chase is hot and seems to be cool, but then we have to suffer through Will doing one of those paper finger-fortunes that us girls all did at slumber parties when we were in middle school and didn’t know how to have an actual meaningful conversation with others.
Surprise, surprise, all the answers are “you’re about to get kissed”! “Are we about to do that?” JoJo asks, cringing on the inside, along with all of America. So they do, and even though it’s a small little peck, it’s still awkward. Jordan asks if he can interrupt, and JoJo mentions that she’s going to keep the finger fortune, and poor Will tosses back, “Yeah, put it on your dress so everyone knows” as he walks away, which is a great zinger but sadly got lost in the noise of Jordan being all suave and manly and cool.
Jordan pulls her outside, and you guys, they have what is probably one of the greatest and smoothest kisses of all Bachelor history.
And even though you can see video of it above, I’m still gonna post this super awkward screen grab because it entertains me:
Seriously, though, it was a really great kiss. The kind that makes you all tingly in your swimsuit area just by watching it.
When it’s over, JoJo gushes to us about his butt and that she needs to start doing squats. Which is adorable, but also ridiculous. Your butt is fine, JoJo. We’ve been looking at it all night. Trust us – it’s gooood.
The War of The (First Impression) Roses
Chris Harrison brings in the First Impression Rose which gets the Broses all in a tizzy! Who hath made the best first impression? Who shalt endeavor to win thy First Impression Rose? Whilst thou work for thy rose, or merely recline in the knowledge that one hath done all that hast needs being done in order to receive such divine reward?
Meanwhile, Chad’s all,
Wells’ feeling pretty good about himself – he brought All-4-One with him, who are serenading JoJo while she talks to Wells.
I'll be honest. He kind of missed the opportunity to get K-Ci & JoJo. #thebachelorette
— Betsey J (@BetseyJWilkin) May 24, 2016
And even though Wells looks like the kind of guy who was an overly-sickly child and has since grown up to be a skinny and frail man who tires easily and gets a lot of headaches and sports the kind of bags under his eyes that more intuitive people know to mean that he’s not long for this world –
He seems handsome and nice enough.
Chad gets some time with JoJo, and he basically says one sentence and JoJo’s all “There was a very vulnerable side to Chad, I’m so impressed with him, I see a side to him that I really like”. Like, calm down, JoJo – you literally had a five second conversation where he just stared at you hard and growled out a couple of words and now you’re all in love with him.
Daniel, however, did not do so well – first they talk geography, then he literally tried to explain the “Damn JoJo vs. Damn Daniel” joke from his limo entrance. “Have you seen that viral video?” he asks. JoJo flips her hair and is all, “Omg, someone said “damn JoJo” in a Youtube video??” So then he tries to ask her if she’s been following the internet in the past couple of months.
Uh, no, because she’s been on a show where the internet is not allowed, Daniel. Kind of like the show that you’re on right now.
So the guys are drinking a lot, and everyone’s speculating on who’s going to be the first one to jump into the pool. Oh look, it’s Daniel, the drunkest one of the bunch! He pokes Evan in the belly button, which is hilarious. “Dude, you can’t poke me in my belly button,” Evan tells Daniel. “Is that like a Canadian thing?”
“I don’t know, it might just be a weird thing,” Daniel replies. Pretty sure you’re right!
So then, we find out that Daniel’s wearing a tie that doesn’t even come down to HIS belly button.
“Anyone can look good in a suit, right?” he drunkenly asserts. “But not everyone can look good naked, right?”
Which is a fair point. But Daniel’s not just a tell guy – he’s a show guy.
Why is he STANDING so weird? And why does his body LOOK so weird?
But as if that wasn’t enough, Daniel decided that, hey, you would know what would be really great? If he took off ALL his clothes!
“Are you wearing a thong?” JoJo yells.
“No, this is male underwear,” he slurs.
Daniel is “White Canadian Wasted”, and thus, like all those before him who have gotten trashed at the very first cocktail party, he decides to go for a dip in the pool. “Damn Daniel,” Hipster says, in an actually accurate and ironic imitation of the famous viral video.
Later, JoJo is in the confessional booth, giving her In The Moment interview, when Nick walks in, who is so drunk he can barely even speak an entire sentence coherently. He tells her to SCOOT OVER (my favorite moment of the entire night) and she’s like, “We’re in the middle of an interview.” Nick’s like, “Oh, cool, awesome, glad all of you guys could join us.”
Then VINNY, who is ALSO drunk, bursts into the room. “It’s my time now,” he tells Nick, and stumbles into the room.
He tells JoJo he’ll never make her beg for his love on a bathroom floor, which, like…omg, so sweet. Thanks for bringing up a really humiliating and hurtful memory for JoJo…what girl doesn’t want to have her worst memory recounted for her national television by some guy she barely even knows?
Later, both Nick and Vinny are by the pool, dancing it up. “Cheers to you, bro,” Vinny toasts.
“Cheers to rock and roll,” Nick replies.
Indeed. Indeed x 1000, you guys.
Cheers to rock and roll 4 ever.
— Molly Fitzpatrick (@mollyfitz) May 24, 2016
More Amazing Times
Because we’ve all been waiting for it, Ali plays a song for JoJo on the piano. I gotta say…if Prince Ali could just play piano at all times, I’d be all, “he’s smoldering hot”…
But when he’s not playing the piano, he’s such a weird dork, so I don’t say that.
And then she sits with Saint Nick, who apparently has the real name of Nick, and the big reveal was him taking his beard off, which…I mean, he seems nice, but maybe he should have just left the beard on?
JoJo sits down with James, and I tune out, because he seems sweet but I don’t find him attractive and also the whole James Taylor singer-songwriter thing bugs me.
Then she sits down with Luke, and Luke gives her a pair of cowboy boots –
…which are at least $400, by the way. How’s THAT for a first impression.
But not enough to earn him the first impression rose! That belongs to Jordan, which might have put a target on his back if he wasn’t already totally likable to both America and to (most of) the other men in the house.
— Brendan Mulligan (@mullaby) May 24, 2016
That's how all the cool kids are doing it these days….wait…it is right? https://t.co/IIyKBw7QXy
— Jordan Rodgers (@JRodgers11) May 24, 2016
Oh, except for Chad, who immediately thinks he’s fake.
First Brose Ceremony
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) May 24, 2016
The guys line up for the very first rose ceremony, but surprise! There’s another limo coming into the driveway! OMG WHO COULD IT BE NEVER MIND IT WAS OBVIOUS FROM ALL THE PROMOS THAT IT’S JAKE PAVELKA. All the guys freak out, thinking that he’s there to join the crew, but the rest of us who are smart know that he’s really just here to offer his unneeded and unwanted advice in a ploy to add some extra drama to the premiere. But we don’t want Jake’s advice – we want a has-been to be embarrassed and humiliated in front of America when they try to get on the show a second time!
Bukowski also coincided JoJo but we cut it for time. #TheBachelorette
— Robert Mills (@Millsy11374) May 24, 2016
But we are to be denied this, as JoJo and Jake merely talk about how mature and ready she is for this journey and then Jake hugs her and he’s on his way.
"you just said the right thing"
"i'm so glad another man came here to tell me what i should do and be"#TheBachelorette
— Claire Fallon (@ClaireEFallon) May 24, 2016
Ah, Jake…you had so much promise, when you were still in the grips of your season. They even gave you your own season theme song! But you had to follow your dick instead of your heart by choosing Vienna, and look where that got you. Not even Dancing With The Stars could save your Hollywood dreams. If there was a cautionary handbook for future Bachelors, it would basically just be your face next to Juan Pablo’s with the words “Don’t Be Like These Guys” emblazoned across them.
Now that you've gotten advice from the biggest failure in bachelor history, GO GETTEM #TheBachelorette
— Ali Lasher (@lashtweets) May 24, 2016
So anyway, the rose ceremony begins. JoJo hands out the roses to pretty much everyone including Santa Claus –
— Molly Fitzpatrick (@mollyfitz) May 24, 2016
— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) May 24, 2016
The big shocker is that Daniel the Drunkard gets a rose, as do the other train wrecks, but Jonathon of The Scottish Dick gets cut, as does Coley (aw, he was nice), and Peter (he was hot!).
And then we get a season preview, which is AWESOME…bloody knuckles! Hot tub takeouts! Declarations of love! Defensive conversations!
Another fun drinking game to play this season is "Who's Going To Get Murdered by Chad?" #TheBachelorette
— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) May 24, 2016
And then, to top the 1st episode off like a candle on a cake, James S. gets a sit-down with Chris Harrison where he embarrasses BOTH HIMSELF AND THE ENTIRE BACHELOR NATION by not knowing the name of the very first Bachelor.
PLAY LIKE A CHAMPION JAMES https://t.co/YIj7Sw8pzl
— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) May 24, 2016
SUPERFAN MY ASS.
Anyway! Thus ends the premiere of The Bachelorette: JoJo Is Hot!
Join us next time for what looks to be lots and lots of lunch meats, manly grimaces, and JoJo looking faux-shocked at everything everyone says and does!
And if you liked this recap, then you’re gonna dig my novel THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, available on Kindle, paperback, or hardcover if you’re fancy.
Until then, bachelor babes, keep it 100 on the hot tubs, bikinis, and wine-soaked tears!