The Bachelorette, Season 11, Episode 9: Nick’s Sister Is Really His Daughter!

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Welcome to another episode of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn Is Funny! 

In order to sufficiently capture the dramatic magic of this week’s episode, I will be titling each parts after songs from famous musicals that have been made into movies. However, since I feel strongly that there are two types of people – those who enjoy musicals and are all “This is MAGIC! Pow! Kickball CHANGE and TURN!” and those who are all “OMFG, you’re singing AGAIN?!” – and I am the latter, these musical/scene comparisons might not be *entirely* accurate.

But you’re used to that by now, aren’tcha.

When You’re a Jet You’re a Jet All The Way! 

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This week’s episode starts off with the rest of the fight between Nick and Shawn. If you’ll remember from last week, Shawn showed up at Nick’s hotel room to confront him “to his face” about the fact that Shawn doesn’t like him.
“I just don’t like you, brah.”
“You don’t even KNOW me, brah.”
“I don’t WANT to know you, brah.”
“Yeah, but, maybe you’d change your mind, brah, if you at least TRIED to get to know me.”
“40 guys from 2 seasons have gotten to know you and they don’t like you, EITHER, brah.”
“Brah.”
“Yeah, brah?”
“That was way harsh, brah.”

Then Nick Brah brings up that Shawn Brah was bragging about being Eskimo Brahs with some famous country singer brah, and Shawn is all “Brah, that’s what I’m talking about – you’re just inconsiderate, brah. I wasn’t bragging to any brahs about being Eskimo Brahs with any country singer brah, BRAH.” Then Shawn Brah stands up, flips over the coffee table, snaps his fingers like this:

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Does a little of this:

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And then calls back “I’m OUT, braaaaaaaah!” right before he slams the door behind him. Nick Brah just sits there, shaking his head, all, “Yo, brah. Not cool, brah.”

“If Ever I Would Leave You, It Wouldn’t Be In Summmaaaaaaa!”

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Next, we find Lady Gwendolyn Kaitlyn standing in the greenest of green Irish meadows. “I am waiting for Sir Lancelot Ben,” she tells us. “I am waiting to have a tryst with Sir Ben, the fairest knight in all the land, while my king husbands Nick and Shawn are away at battle (with each other)!”

Sir Ben makes his way down an Irish road, smiling as he spies the Fair Lady Kaitlyn, waiting for him in an Irish Meadow. He is adorned in his best Irish Wool Sweater, and she in hers!

After being apart for all of half a day, they are finally togethahaaaaa again, and are so thusly filled with desire that they chastely embrace, daring even to rub their Irish Wool Sweaters against the other’s. “Oh Sir Ben,” Lady Kaitlyn coos, “I have long awaited to see you here in this Irish Meadow. Come, let us tarry to another Irish Meadow, where we shalt ride great steeds and give nourishment to thine asses and have yet another Irish Picnic in another Irish Meadow whilst we gaze at yet another Irish Castle.”

How I have desired to nourish thine ass, Sir Ben thinks, his breath quickening with desire. But as Lady Kaitlyn tis a Lady of high breeding, and he a Sir of noble compartment and profession, he knows he must wait until the proper time to slake his carnal thirst with her royal bod. “How I have longed to have yet another Irish Picnic in yet another Irish Meadow whilst gazing at yet another Irish Castle with you, my darling,” Sir Ben replies, whilst brushing Lady Kaitlyn’s brunette locks away from her face. “Tis will be like all of our dates thus far on this journey, all over again, for the billionth time over.”

Lady Kaitlyn, being an innocent maiden of gentle breeding, hath never ridden a steed before this morn. “Fret not, my maiden,” Sir Ben tells her, as he helps her mount her steed. “We will practice mounting repeatedly today, until you are an expert at riding bareback.”

Later, as they tarry astride the two steeds, Sir Ben watches Lady Kaitlyn as she rides, trying in vain to quell thoughts of when she would ride another strong steed later that eve. “But no! I must be innocent and pure of heart!” he quickly chastises himself. “I am a Sir, a Noble Knight! I must keep my thoughts chivalrous, at least until I am given thy magic key by Wizard Chris Harrison to tarry with Fair Lady Kaitlyn within thy Fantasy Suite!”

The fair pair stop in yet another green Irish meadow to feed Lady Kaitlyn’s ass(es), laughing and frolicking amongst God’s creatures before tumbling, breathlessly, down to the ground…their bodies touching, their eyes wondering, their souls colliding…

“No,” Sir Ben tells her. “We cannot do this here. Let us part our lusting bodies, Fair Lady Kaitlyn. The time is nigh, and we must tarry to yet another Irish Picnic by yet another Irish Castle!”

Reluctantly, Sir Ben and Lady Kaitlyn tarry to yet another Irish Picnic by yet another Irish Castle. “Do thine eyes see this Irish Castle, Sir Ben?” Lady Kaitlyn asks. “‘Tis where we will tarry this evening, to sup and dine, and then…”
“And then…” Sir Ben says, taking her hand and placing against his cheek.
“And then…and then we shall be together, forevermore.” Or, at least until I change my mind and pick one of my kings instead, Lady Kaitlyn thinks, but does not say.

That evening, Sir Ben and Lady Kaitlyn sup and dine in yet another Irish Castle. “Ah!” Lady Kaitlyn cries out, as an envelope “magically” appears on their table. “A magic key from Wizard Chris Harrison!”
At last! Sir Ben thinks. At last I have reached the pinnacle of my quest! “Lady Kaitlyn,” he says, taking her hand in his own. “Though you are likely doing it with two other champions, I am pure of heart, and will sing you to sleep after the lovin’.”
“My body is yours, Sir Ben, to plunder as you wish.” At least for tonight, she thinks, as she gazes lovingly into his eyes.

Sir Ben and Lady Kaitlyn tarry to the Fantasy Suite together, where they cast magical spells and semen love potions upon each other’s body throughout the fair night.

“I only got one half hour of slumber,” Lady Kaitlyn writes the next morning on a small strip of paper that she then affixes to a raven’s foot. “Deliver this to Wizard Chris Harrison, if you please.”
Sir Ben wraps his arms around her. “I must go.”
“No! You cannot leave me!”
“If ever I would leave you, it wouldn’t be in summmmaaaaa…”
“Okay, never mind, go! You are pure of heart, Sir Ben! And Wizard Chris Harrison has agreed to take care of you in exchange for all your noble deeds. But I must return to the king(s) I’m also bedding!”
Sir Ben brings Lady Kaitlyn’s hand to his lips. “If ever I would leave you, it couldn’t be in the faaaaaalllll-“
“Okay byyyyyyeeeeee!” Lady Kaitlyn rides off to yet another Irish Castle nestled in yet another Irish meadow, where she will tarry and sup and dine with yet another noble man.

The End, that was boring, I hope I never have to sit through Camelot ever again in my life.

Where-eeeerrrreeee Is Loooooooooove? Is It In The Skies Abooooooove?

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It’s time for Shawn and Kaitlyn’s overnight date! For their date, those grubby street urchins are doin’ it up fine and fancy by golfing! Kaitlyn’s even got a special outfit for Shawn to wear – a hot pink shirt and some pants. No raggedy threads or tatt’ahs for this landed gent!

Shawn loses at golf, mostly because guys wif’ a bit o’ rough don’ have all the time in the worl’ to play wif’ yer sticks and balls, see? But he handles it like a true gent, and considers all those balls going into holes practice fer what’s to come lat’ah! Lat’ah, when he gets it in!

In Kaitlyn’s vagina, I mean.

Cause they’re gonna do it later, you guys!

But the rub is that Kaitlyn and Shawn made a wager before the game, and Shawn lost, so now, according his street-urchin lord Kaitlyn, it’s time for him to pay up, see?

And the price?

Kill Oliver!

Just kidding! He has to streak across the golf course.

“Just put your little glove over it…I mean your HUGE glove over it,” Kaitlyn tells him. Always one to keep his wits about ‘im, Shawn takes off his pants to reveal…another pair of pants!

They don’ ‘ave “laundry day” on the streets of Old London Town, so like the artful trickster he is, Shawn’s wearing compression pants under his trousers! He also insists on keeping his socks on, because…I don’t know why. He’s just all, “but I’m keeping my socks on” as if that matters.

Whilst he is running – almost as bucked nekkid (omg) as the day he was born to a young, pretty, but destitute mother sick with consumption – though the golf course, Kaitlyn pulls a sly one, grabs his pile of clothes, and artfully dodges (get it? Cause this whole scene is a play on Oliver! and I just made a reference to the Artful Dodger? OMG I HOPE YOU GOT THAT JOKE) away. Shawn runs after her – still naked! – and it’s totally fun and hilarious and also it gives all of us on #TeamShawn some sweet dreams to look forward to at night.

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Later that night, Shawn and Kaitlyn sit down after “dinner” to talk about the fact that Shawn never says a bad word about Ben, but it seems like he hates Nick. “The last thing I want to do is bring up Nick with Shawn,” Kaitlyn tells us.

So naturally, she brings up Nick to Shawn.

She asks Shawn why he doesn’t just talk to Nick. Shawn tells her that he did talk to Nick, because he’s the kind of man who will say something to a guy’s face instead of talking behind his back. He then basically tells Kaitlyn what a tool he thinks Nick is.

Kaitlyn brings up how Nick told her that Shawn was “bragging” about being Eskimo brothers with a country singer. Shawn gets more agitated, and Kaitlyn’s like, whoa, you’re really upset. YA THINK? Who keeps their cool when the girl they like tells them another guy is telling them damaging and kinda gross stories about them? Finally, Kaitlyn decides that they need to talk about all this Nick stuff off-camera, so they hurry over to the Fantasy Suite, where they kick the cameras out. As the door’s closing, we can just make out Kaitlyn’s vagina singing, in a tiny, high-pitched voice, “Consider yourself! At home! Consider yourself! Part of the family!” 

But If They Start a Rumble, We’ll Rumble Them Right!

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The next morning! The cameras try to make it look like Shawn left abruptly after what we’re also supposed to think was *not* a romantic night together, but one look at Kaitlyn’s bedhead and a Google search of “Kaitlyn Shawn SnapChat” should have you thinking above all that mess.

On his way back to his room, Shawn spots Nick leaning up against the building, waiting for him in the parking lot.

“What’s up, Shawn?” Nick calls out. “Got a few minutes?” Shawn’s like, “Not really. I really don’t want to talk to you. At all.”

Nick tells us and Shawn that he would like to have a man-to-man conversation with Shawn (“cause it’s MY turn now,” he says, like a 6 year old). Except that he just picked the WORST timing ever, because Shawn now knows what Nick told Kaitlyn behind Shawn’s back.

Anyway, Nick follows Shawn into his hotel room, where they sit across a coffee table from one another. Nick attempts to say something about Shawn not getting to know him, and Shawn basically does the thing where he cuts him off and talks over him. “Can I talk?” Nick asks.
“No, I won’t let you talk, I don’t even want to see you right now. You’re just a little smooth-talker who loves to hear himself talk.”

Which. I mean. Isn’t false.

Shawn brings up the Eskimo brother thing and tells Nick that if he ever says anything to Kaitlyn about him ever again, he’ll be sorry. “Are you threatening me?” Nick asks. “Are you threatening me?” The second Nick says that, I can immediately see him as that sniveling little neighborhood brat who would always try to ruin everything and cheat at lawn games and then would run and tattletale and cry when he didn’t get his way.

So then Shawn was like,

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And then Nick was all,

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and then they both were like,

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“I don’t care if I ever talk to you again,” Shawn told Nick. “How about you get the fuck out of my place right now.” Then Shawn gets up and stomps off into another room, slamming the door.

Nick wanders off, whining about Shawn saying something about spending the night with Kaitlyn. “I didn’t know that,” he tells us, and AND YA KNOW that he’s going to try to find some way, some small way, to work it in with Kaitlyn that Shawn said something about the night they just spent together, EVEN THOUGH YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT TO NOT KNOW THAT THEY WERE GOING TO SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER ON AN OVERNIGHT DATE.

Also, ya did know, Nick, because remember? YOU’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.

“Shawn claims he wants to be a man but he wasn’t man enough to have a conversation. I get it, it says a lot about his character,” Nick tells us.

Oh my god, I hate that guy so much.

Also, here’s the thing: There was a lot of chatter on Twitter about people being annoyed with Shawn not keeping his cool and that he should have just let Nick talk, but I’m still #TeamShawn, and here’s why: Because Nick is an asshole. He’s a smug, conniving, two-faced arrogant asshole who does not respect the privacy of the girl he’s with. I agree with Shawn when Shawn says that he doesn’t believe that Nick is really there for Kaitlyn. In this week’s episode, Nick and Kaitlyn touch on the fact that they texted before the show (“even when we were texting and talking before, it was still the best day when I would get a text from you,” Nick told her during hometown dates)…and all I could think was, “So you guys were texting every day but you didn’t do anything about it until she was a third of the way into the show?!” He *might* have feelings for Kaitlyn, and he definitely wants her to have feelings for him, but to me, it’s the same as when he was with Andi – he wants it because it means that he’s won something valuable. And Nick is the kind of guy who needs to feel like he’s won something valuable, all the time.

And the minute it stops being or looking valuable to others, he’s gonna drop it.

Everything’s coming up ROSES for me and for you! (but not for Ben H!)

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Rose ceremonaaaaaay! Kaitlyn sits down with Chris Harrison to tawk about the week.

I don’t really listen to this part because hello, we’ve been watching the whole entire time and don’t really need to hear Kaitlyn talk for 20 minutes about dirt that we’re not even going to really hear the full details of anyway because editing, so instead I check Twitter and stuff.

Harrison tells the guys that it’s The Last Rose Ceremony. The last two men will get to have Kaitlyn meet their families, and the other one will be saying goodbye tonight (and hello! to getting laid by a different Bachelorette fan every damn day for the rest of their life).

Kaitlyn comes in, and then walks back out again, upset. She tells Harrison that she doesn’t want to break down in front of the three guys, and right then we all know that she’s sending Ben H. home.

Which she does. He handles it like a pro, though, telling her that he’s so glad he got to know her and that he showed her who he was, and he leaves in the Limo of Tears amongst a flurry of live-tweets calling for him to be the next Bachelor.

Which he totally will be.

Nick, proving once again that he’s Nick, smiles smugly to the camera and says, “It’s down to two, once again.”

OMG FUUUUUUUCCCKKK YYOOOOOOUUUUUU

Kaitlyn goes back in to where the remaining two are waiting and clinks glasses of champagne with the guys, then leaves the room. The camera stays on Nick and Shawn, though, and they have the most awkward, tense, champs-guzzling silent saga of a scene EVER. It’s seriously so quiet and tense and drawn-out that it is AWESOME. The producers of this show are the BIZEST.

Something Something From Sweeney Todd Because He Was A Serial Killer Just Like Nick Probably Isssssssss!

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Kaitlyn and Nick are in Utah, where Kaitlyn will be meeting Nick’s family!

Wait.

UTAH?

Why. DA FUCK. we in UTAH?!

Probably for the same reason why we were in Ireland this whole time – because someone isn’t doing their job and should be hiring me instead!

Anyway, Nick tells Kaitlyn he’s in love with her.

“I can’t wait to meet his family,” Kaitlyn tells us. “This is going to be a good day.”

HAHAHAHA TOO BAD THAT HIS FAMILY IS ALREADY CRYING FROM THE THOUGHT OF HAVING TO MEET ANOTHER GIRL AND PRETEND TO HER THAT NICK’S A GOOD GUY.

Seriously, Nick’s entire family is sitting around what looks like a hotel conference room, crying their eyes out at the thought of Nick being on the Bachelorette AGAIN.

It’s okay, family. We all cried when we found out the news, too.

But since the cameras are rolling, instead they pretend that their Nicky *isn’t* a sociopath and that he has enough emotions to get “blindsided” again by that thing he doesn’t understand called “love”.

This is the producers’ poor attempt to make us feel something for Nick. Which we almost do (but mostly because we’re thinking of how much it would suck to have a guy like Nick be a part of our family and be forced to pretend to love him), until his little sister starts crying because everyone else is and it’s so overly dramatic that we’re like, “YO. Wipe those tears, little girl, and go get a job at a factory or something.”

So Nick and Kaitlyn show up, show off some dance moves in the middle of the family circle (yeah, remember when Ashley and Ben F put on a similar “omg we’re so fun together! Look! See? See how FUN we are TOGETHER?!” show for her family? And look how that turned out), and then Nick brags about being in the final two. To which his mom is all, “Oh no. Oh no no no. This is how it happened before, Nick! This is how it ALL HAPPENED BEFORE!

Different members of the family pull Kaitlyn aside and try to “talk” to her about Nick. “How well do you think you know him?” one of his sisters asks Kaitlyn, worriedly. “I mean…do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him?” She turns her head and whispers, “The rest of your very short life, I mean.” His brothers all nod nervously as Kaitlyn talks them about how much she likes their brother. “Ha ha, yeah. A lot of girls have liked Nick like that, too. They were nice, too, just like you…” One of the brothers nudges him. “I think what my brother is trying to say is…you seem. Nice. Really, really nice. And we just want to make sure that…you’re not…you know. Making a mistake.”
“Yeah,” the third, youngest brother agrees. “Cause if you stay with Nick for too long, he’s probably going to kill you.”

“Nick.” Nick’s mom is sitting with Nick alone in a room. “What makes Kaitlyn different from Andi? Remember Andi? That didn’t work out so well for you.” She got out alive, Nick’s mom thinks. She was smart. Please tell me Kaitlyn’s smart, Nick. “What is it about Kaitlyn that you like?”
“Well,” Nick says, smiling at his mom.
His eyes are so cold, Nick’s mom thinks. Cold, dead eyes since the day he was born. What was I supposed to do? I’m his mother! I’m supposed to…love him. That’s what mothers do, don’t they? They love their sons. Even when they do bad things…very bad things…yes, very, very bad things…
“She’s really good at making out,” Nick tells his mom.
Oh God, Nick mom thinks, her eyes welling up with tears of fear. Not again. Please god…not again…

Anyway! Kaitlyn also talks to some bawl baby kid* who’s apparently Nick’s “sister” but is probably Nick’s “daughter” from when he was in high school or college or something and knocked some girl up and then was like, “I’m off to be on Ree-al-ah-ty TeeVee! Oh, and I’m taking our kid with us, see!”

They didn’t always do that “Oh, the woman you thought was your sister all your life was really your mom” thing back in the olden days just for GIRLS, you know.

Also most of what I say on here is usually exaggerated for your entertainment except for the daughter thing. Pretty sure that’s true. You should maybe share that on your Facebook page and email your mom about it.

Then Kaitlyn and Nick go kiss in a hay stack or whatever it is you do when you’re stuck in Utah. THE END.

Kaitlyn Let My Fam-i-leee seeeee, Just How Nice a Dame You Can Beeeeeeee, ‘Cause My Dad’s Really Hot, & My Mom’s Like, “Come to Utah? I think NOT!”

'Sup, Shawn's dad. You single? No? You happy in that marriage?

‘Sup, Shawn’s dad. You single? No? You happy in that marriage?

Over dinner or something, Kaitlyn tells Shawn that sisters are her jam, and this is the point when I realize that I rarely ever care about family dates, because even when you think that meeting the family will have some bearing on the final decision, it never does.

And I especially don’t care about family dates if we can’t meet the families in the homes they live in so we can judge their decor and state of affluence.

Anyway, we meet Shawn’s family, except for his mom who couldn’t make it (maybe because she didn’t want to take time out of her life to hoof it to Utah…I feel you, gurl). Kaitlyn sits down with her jam, a.k.a., Shawn’s sisters, and they throw her really hardball questions like, “So what do you think about Shawn?” and “Why do you like him?”

 

Then Shawn sits down with his dad who apparently is also a testosterone-y guy but I’m not really paying attention to what they’re saying because YAWN and I can always stare at photos of Shawn’s dad later because the internet.

After, Shawn and Kaitlyn sit down together and Shawn says he has something he needs to tell her, and it’s this: He once told her was falling love with her, which is no longer true.

Now he’s IN love with her, and has been for a while.

Yaaaaaaaaaay. Yaaaaaaaawwwwwnnnn.

Oh my god you guys, I’m so ready for this season to be over now.

Kaitlyn, apparently, is, too, because she does a straight-up classic Mesnick Balcony Cry™ (from The Bachelor: Jason Cries) as she thinks about how she’s going to possibly send both one guys home.

BUT! NEXT WEEK IT’S THE MEN TELL ALL! And it looks sooooooo goooooooood.

Except it also means that we’re gonna have to sit through yet another update about two people WHO DON’T EVEN GO HERE (psst, word on the street today is that they’ve actually broken up).

You know you wanted it:

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See you hot babes next week!

But before we go, lemme jes’ leave you with this:

* Just kidding – Bella was totally cute and adorable and is NOT Nick’s daughter.
At least…as far we know, she’s not…

//

For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

And if you’ve liked this post, mentally fulfill Shawn’s greatest wish and hit those sharing buttons below like you were smacking Nick’s smug mug! (it still fits, so we’re keeping it)

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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