The Bachelorette, Season 11, Episode 8: More Tears + Sex In Ireland!

Welcome to another episode of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn Is Funny!

This week finds Kaitlyn and the boys in Killarney, Ireland. Yes, that’s right – we’re still in Ireland. Like…who is charge of arranging that whole “pay us to film in your country” schtick for The Bachelor? Because they did a hell of a job with Ashley’s, Ben F’s, Brad’s, Emily’s, Sean’s, and Juan Pablo;s seasons (hello, NEW ZEALAND), but ya guys…you are sucking the big one these last two seasons (I didn’t watch Des’ season because I hate her). What are you spending your money on?! One of the biggest reasons we all tune into this show is to see them go to exotic locales and stay in luxury resorts that most of us have no chance of ever staying in. SO DO YER JOBS, ALREADY.

Otherwise, hire me. I’m really good at getting tourism boards to give me stuff.

Anyway! So we’re still in Ireland, and the heat is on to narrow the boys down to the 3 that Kaitlyn most wants to bang on the overnight dates. This is also the episode where it looks like Kaitlyn tells all the guys that she had sex with Nick.

But we know how the editing is on this show (you tricky fucks!), so don’t hold yer breath that it happens even remotely in the same way they try to make us think that it happens.

Also, I’ll be titling each of these parts by the sexual position that I feel matches each remaining dude the most.

Ben H.: The-Looking-Soulfully-Into-Your-Eyes-While-Thrusting-Slowly-&-Tenderly Missionary Position. 

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Ben H. gets the first date card of the week. They meet on the lawn of some castle, then row a boat around some Irish lake (like, don’t get me wrong – I’m way psyched to go to Ireland soon, but these dates are starting to get majorly boring). Then they play hide and seek (kill me) in some castle ruins. Then they sit and talk about how Kaitlyn needs to be with someone who will stick it out with her even when she’s tough to be with (sing it, sister!). Then they go to dinner, and Ben gets up the courage to tell her the thing that he’s been holding back, which is this: Thanks to some dumb chick who broke his heart a year or two ago, he feels like he’s unloveable.

Which is kind of like that thing where the prettiest girl in your high school thinks she’s unfortunate looking because none of the guys in your school ever had enough balls to ask her out, so her self-esteem is so low that the second a total loser douchebag asks her out the first week of college, she totally says yes, which ruins her freshman year because that guy was the WORST and everyone wonders why a girl like her is dating a guy like him until she finally confesses during a hang-out at the local coffeeshop that she never even went to her prom because nobody asked her to it and then all the guys in her friend group give her the “you’re just intimidating” talk which sounds like a load of bullshit until a senior basketball player starts to court her and she finally understands that she just needed to wait for the right – mature, confident, totally hot – guy to come along and now she’s married to that super hot basketball player and they live in a huge mansion in the Chicago suburbs and her life is totally better than yours ever will be, which she doesn’t shove into your face unless you’re a guy from her high school who let her sit out her senior prom because you didn’t have enough balls to ask her to go with you.

Right? It’s kind of like that.

So anyway, half of America is like, “Whaaaaat?! You’re SO lovable!” and other half is like, “Yeah, you’re young.”

They get to talking about overnight dates, and Ben tells Kaitlyn that he doesn’t want to just focus on the physical…that he’s more looking forward to getting time alone with her, to talking all night, etc. Kaitlyn is now thinking the same thing that we’re all thinking…whattaya mean that you don’t want to focus on the physical? “Are you a virgin?” Kaitlyn asks him.

And then there’s some weird music and it cuts to a scene with the boys so that we all TOTALLY think that Ben could be a virgin!

Except that he’s not. “No!” He laugh-yells. “But I like that you think that I’m that innocent and pure of heart, because I am.”

Did you really just call yourself “pure of heart”, Ben?

You’ve been around Irish castles for too long.

Also, this:

OMFG HE TOTALLY DOES.

Kentucky Joe: Flips-You-Over-Without-Asking-If-It’s-Cool-With-You-&-Doesn’t-Wait-For-You-To-Finish-Before-He-Does Doggy Style

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Shawn, Nick, and Joe are up for the group date, and when they get the date card, the guys all spend 15 minutes trying to figure out what it means (something about muck).

Also, the fact that these three are going on a group date together is kind of hilarious…put two guys who hate each other on a date with the comedic relief, and it’s either going to be the most dramatic date ever, or it’s the most hilarious. “It’s gonna be super romantic, just the four of us,” Joe quips, as they, too, walk out to the lawn of their hotel for the amazingly-planned date of drinking wine while sitting around on benches (seriously, producers. This is starting to look a lot like the repeat dates on Bachelor In Paradise, and you know how I felt about those. Get your shit together). Shawn and Kaitlyn go have some alone time, and Kaitlyn gets thisclose to telling Shawn about her banging Nick, which…poor move, don’t you think, to tell Shawn while you’re both on a group date with Nick?

Luckily for her, Nick comes swooping in. “Mind if I steal her away?” He asks. “Yeah,” Shawn says. “I do mind, brah.” Then he stands up, tackles Nick, and wrestles him down to the edge of the lake, where Joe meets him and helps him hold Nick under the water until Nick drowns.

In my mind, I mean. That happened in my mind.

Nick and Kaitlyn talk, it’s boring, and then she has some time with Joe. He kisses her and tells her that he could kiss her and only her for the next 60 years, and it’s basically the same “Oh shit, you’re about to get dumped” tension that Kaitlyn had with Cupcake Chris. She tells him that she wants to be brutally honest with him, and that when he told her that he was in love with her, it made her realize that they weren’t on the same page. He mumbles something about being sorry that he put himself out there, and she replies that she did need him to put himself out there and tell her those things (here we go again, with another Bachelor/ette classic “I really want this person to open up to me and tell me how they feel so I can dump them immediately after” move!).

Joe gets WAY defensive right away. She asks for a hug, and he’s like, ‘I guess” (literally), and then he’s like, “so what do I do now?” which made it super awkward but also real because it actually wasn’t all that clear that she was actually dumping him. “I don’t know, just do what you need to do, I guess,” she replies.
“I mean, but what should I do?”
“I just wanted to hug you and say goodbye,” Kaitlyn snipes, which is NOT fucking fair, because you don’t get to be pissy toward a guy whom you let bare his sol to you and then unceremoniously dumped on a park bench on his 5th fucking group date.
“I”m not saying shit to you right now,” Joe snipes back, which…wasn’t the classiest move or most mature thing to say ever, but.

“That didn’t feel good at all,” Kaitlyn tell us later, after she walks away from him. “For either one of us.” Why would you think it would feel good for either of you? When you dumb someone, it really only feels good for one person (unless the other person has been treating you like crap for the last few weeks in order to get you to dump them. Then it feels good for them, too.) “It’s never easy saying bye to someone and have them turn so cold.”

So, like, did you want him to thank you for dumping him? Start telling you that he’s really glad that you made him go on 4 group dates – including a two-on-one – and let him confess his love to you only to have you dump him on yet another group date?

I mean. I like this girl, you guys, but jesus. The decisions she makes, and then the self-pity she feels for when they turn out badly…it’s getting to be too much.

Kaitlyn rejoins Nick and Shawn back at the Park Benches of Dreams, where she tells them that she just sent Joe home, and even though there’s a rose on this date, she doesn’t feel ready to give it to anyone. She tells Nick that they had a really great conversation, but that she’s not giving him the rose, and she tells Shawn that she would like to continue the date with him later that night (cause she still needs to tell him that she grinded it with Nick)

HAHAHA, IN YOUR FACE, NICK.

Shawn: The-Lay-You-On-Your-Back-On-The-Edge-of-The-Bed-While-He-Stands-So-He-Can-Look-Deeply-Into-Your-Eyes-While-Also-Taking-You-To-Straight-Up-Pound-Town Missionary-Alternative Position

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Kaitlyn and Shawn reconvene at another Irish pub. She begins tell him that after her first one-on-one date with Nick in Dublin, she and Nick went back to her hotel room and she feels like it went too far. “It’s hard for me to admit it, but we had sex.” Shawn doesn’t say anything for the longest time, and the look of shock and hurt in his eyes…oh man. Shawn stands up and tells her that he needs to take a minute to regroup, and heads to the restrooms.

The camera pans on the men’s bathroom door where we hear him say that he’s so tense he “can’t even piss.” Thanks for putting that in, producers?! He comes back to The Couch of Shame and tells Kaitlyn that he’s glad she told him, and that he can’t be mad.

“Of course you can,” she tells him.
“But like, what would the purpose of that be? I can’t just storm out of here, because I want you.”

Hot. HOOOOOOOOOOT. OMG, this guy is so hot.

This also brings to mind Kaitlyn’s previous convo with Ben H. and how she’s looking for a guy who will stick by her even when she’s tough to be with. THIS IS IT, KAITLYN. THIS IS YOUR GUY.

Later that night, Shawn comes back to the Man Suite. Nick talks about how there was no rose at the end of the group date and how he hasn’t gotten as much time with Kaitlyn as the rest of them –

But he still feels good about tomorrow, blah blah blah.

Nobody fucking cares about how you feel, Nick. Shut your dumb mouth on your dumb face.

GOD. I HATE that guy…

Rose Ceremony: Get Ready To Bend Over & Take It, Cause Kaitlyn’s About To Turn This Whole Thing Back On You.

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As the guys get ready for the rose ceremony, Shawn tells us that as the more time that goes by, the more questions he has about the night with Kaitlyn spent with “the other guy”…seriously, during this whole entire episode, Shawn refused to refer to Nick by his name and would only cal him “the other guy.” It was HILARIOUS.

But also…I dig this guy, but he seriously cannot let anything go.

Chris Harrison finally shows up to do his job, and tells the guys that there won’t be a cocktail ceremony that evening. Then he makes the guys ride to the rose ceremony in the back of a horse-drawn wagon which was both hilarious and also incredibly sad to me.

Kaitlyn gives a speech that I didn’t pay any attention to, and then she picks up a rose and calls Shawn’s name. He walks up to her and tells her that he needs to talk to her. See, producers, this is the shit that happens when you cancel the cocktail ceremony. Even if the Bachelor/ette wants to do it, you don’t let them because there’s always someone who wants to talk and will interrupt the ceremony with their “I’m just feeling really weird about ___” one-on-one bullshit. Shawn and Kaitlyn sit down and he tells her that he wants to know why she would do something that would jeopardize them. “I am here to explore other relationships,” Kaitlyn tells him. “Telling you you were The One halfway through was a mistake, when I had other relationships here to explore.”

This one time, I had a boyfriend during summer before my senior year in high school that I was super crazy about – his name was Gabe, and he was a prep-school varsity soccer player with an alternative edge who lived in St. Paul. I fell super deep in teenage-love with him, and later that summer, one moonlit night at the riverbank park in Hastings, he told me he was in love with me, too. It was basically the best, most magical night of my young life…until two or three weeks later, when he called me after he got back from a week at his dumb summer camp and told me that telling me he loved me was a mistake. And even though he was arrogant and super in love with himself and kind of pretentious and I should have known better than to waste a single tear on that guy, I spent the next year skipping school and making out with older-and-totally-inappropriate guys and going to wild parties and getting in tons of fights with my parents.

So, like. Choose your words carefully next time, Kaitlyn. Telling someone they’re the one and then trying to take it back is super fucking uncool. 

She continued to turn it around on Shawn by asking him if, at the end of “this”, that he feels she won’t be someone she can trust. “You have to trust me. And I just don’t think you do.”

FUUUUUUUUCK YOU. Seriously, Kaitlyn, you just go fuck yourself with that whole “I can’t be with you if you don’t trust me, even though I slept with someone after telling you you were the one and then after that I told you that telling you you were it was a total mistake which gives you every freaking reason under the goddamn blazing sun to not trust me. BUT YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME!” bullshit. I didn’t want Shawn to leave, but I would have totally respected him if he was like, “Yo, I’m gonna bounce out of this crazy house right the fuck now” and left.

But he didn’t. He accepted her rose…and then Ben H. accepted his rose, and then Nick got a rose, too, leaving poor Jared out in the cold.

This made me really sad…his road trip with Kaitlyn convinced me that he was a really fun guy that she had crazy chemistry with. And Emma’s right:

Plus he was comedic relief for when others did do douchey things. And yes, his facial hair – Jared, goddamn it, you gotta fix that shit – but at the end of the day, it pisses me off that Kaitlyn would choose a slimeball like Nick over a guy like Jared. Jared is total, complete husband material. I never thought I would ever say this, but…I wouldn’t be unhappy if he was the next Bachelor.

So Kaitlyn and Jared walk out together, and Jared is just pure, total, complete class. Like, I’m not even joking right now, my friends – I’m literally tearing up thinking about how sweet and nice he was to her and then how he simply just cried, silently, in The Limo of Tears. He deserved better than to be dumped for a total asshole.

On the plus side, though, I hope he’s ready for the whirlwind of girls who are going to be coming after him like spider monkeys now that he’s off the show. ‘Cause dude…you are SO going to score thanks to this show.

Nick: You On Top, Because Then He Gets All The Benefits Without Having To Do Any Of The Work

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Nick and Kaitlyn are off on their Fantasy Suite Overnight date, which is taking place in Dublin, Ireland, which is the exact opposite of a locale where it’s supposed to be happening.

Fantasy dates, producers. FAN-TA-SYYYYY. Fantasy means tropical islands and exotic locales and sparkling blue water and at the very least a freaking hot tub. But no. For this fantasy date, they get to walk around Dublin and talk about their favorite house colors and then go into a church –

And then to a pub, where they’re accosted by locals who lecture them on Irish words.

Then, they get to have a romantic dinner in an ancient Irish JAIL.

Somebody needs to get fired, you guys.

During this romantic time in a JAIL, Nick takes it upon himself to talk some major shit about Shawn. He starts by telling her that there’s one guy that he just has no respect for. This guy hasn’t taken any time to get to know him, and you know, Nick doesn’t have any respect for a guy, who, you know, brags about being Eskimo Brothers with a famous country singer only his wins because he fucked the girl first.

First, he tries to gloss over it like he didn’t want to spill the beans on who he was talking about –

But Kaitlyn called him on it and he faux-reluctantly said, “Shawn.” And the smug little slimy smile he gave her when he said Shawn’s name…ugh. So Kaitlyn acts all confused about why no one has ever come to her about Shawn before. BECAUSE IT’S NOT A THING, KAITLYN. SHAWN ISN’T A PROBLEM. NICK IS. And by the stellar way you handled all the guys when they came to you about not trusting Nick…like the fuck they would come to you now if they had an issue with a guy.

So then Kaitlyn goes into this thing about how she feels like she’s been a really good judge of character and has made really good decisions so far, and I just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Because life lesson? People who say they’re a really good judge of character are NEVER good judges of character. And if we’ve seen anything this season, it’s that Kaitlyn cannot back up this statement a’tall.

Finally, they stop talking about Nick and read the dumb Fantasy Suite card. Kaitlyn pranks him with showing him a jail cell set up to be the Fantasy Suite, and it’s not that funny, so I check my Twitter feed instead. Then they finally go to the real Fantasy Suite where they sit on a couch and make out a bunch.

The next morning we see them eating breakfast together in their suite. Nick knocks Ireland’s bacon, which is probably going to get him killed by some Hooligans later *calls up a bunch of Irish Hooligans to encourage this*. It’s kind of weird, to see them hanging around like this – Kaitlyn’s in a robe, Nick doesn’t have a shirt on, etc – and I don’t like it. Shawn doesn’t like it either, and after some straight-up deep thinking in a hay field somewhere (seriously, WTF was that shot?!), he calls the hotel to find out Nick’s room number. Nick gets back to his room, and obviously famished after a night of love-making, throws himself onto a chair and turns on the TV. Shawn shows up, knocks, walks in, and tells him that he wants to get some stuff off his chest. “I don’t want to be a guy who talks behind your back.” HO HO HO! This is, like, the best instance of irony ever. YA HEAR THAT, NICK? THAT’S A REAL MAN MOVE, YOU SNIVELING LITTLE BRAT. Shawn tells Nick that he doesn’t like him, and he doesn’t trust him. Nick does his whole song-and-dance of “you haven’t even tried to get to know me! Like, not once have you asked me on a bro walk through an Irish garden! Not once have you sat next to me on the couch in the Man Suite and asked me how I was feeling!” Shawn was like, “Cause I don’t want to.”

This is the face my boyfriend makes right before HE KICKS YOUR ASS, NICK

This is the face my boyfriend makes right before HE KICKS YOUR ASS, NICK

OH SNAP!

“You’re manipulative, arrogant, and I don’t think you’re just here for Kaitlyn. You think it’s a coincidence that there are 40 guys from two seasons who think negatively about you and have bad things to say about you?”

FUCKIN’ A RIGHT, Shawn.

Fuckin’ A right.

But our hot guy buzz is ruined by Britt and Brady talking about how Brady has to go back to Nashville, but they’re going to try the long-distance thing. Their relationship banter is so, so contrived and rehearsed that it’s painful. Ugh. “It will be a new season for our relationship,” Brady tells us. HOPEFULLY NOT ONE WE’LL HAVE TO WATCH ON NATIONAL TV, THOUGH.

Anyway: Next week Shawn tells Nick to keep his name out his mouth when he’s talking to Kaitlyn, and hopefully they get in a fistfight about it and Nick gets sent to the hospital and then is sent home and is so humiliated by it that we never have to see his smug mug on television ever again.

Not that, you know, I condone violence or anything.

See you hot babes next week!

//

For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

And if you’ve liked this post, mentally fulfill Shawn’s greatest wish and hit those sharing buttons below like you were smacking Nick’s smug, dumb face!

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

4 comments on “The Bachelorette, Season 11, Episode 8: More Tears + Sex In Ireland!

  1. Reading your recap is equally, if not more, entertaining than actually watching the show on Monday nights! THANKYOU for being freaking hilarious and spot on with everything you write. And OMG, I have totally thought Ben looks like Peter Brady. hahahaha! And Nick sucks. And Shawn is the dreamiest.

    • Thanks, Ami!!! I’m so glad you like you them.

      And thanks for agreeing with me that Nick is the worst and Shawn is the best. I love it when people agree with me!

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