The Bachelorette Season 11 Episode 6: Episode SEX, I mean!

Welcome to Episode 6 of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn Is Funny!

This week’s recap is a little later than usual, and I’d like to tell you this is because I wanted to take some extra time to really put together some thoughtful and deep commentary on the sexist rigamarole concerning Kaitlyn boning a guy on this week’s episode, but really it was because I was too busy running around town yesterday and enjoying #RHNY with my best friend Katy + watching this jam happen (don’t front, it’s fucking great) to sit down and finish this post.

So! Off we go!

The Alamo Is Not The Perfect Place To Fall In Love

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Our episode this week begins right where we left off, with Ian once again complaining Kaitlyn appearing to be a surface level person. “I don’t think we’re here for the right reasons.”
Kaitlyn counters with, “So you don’t think I’m here to find a husband.”
“Not from what I’ve seen.”
“My blood is boiling a little bit right now. I’m super offended by you.”
Then, in one of the best confrontational-throw-downs we’ve seen since Emily’s season, Kaitlyn basically tells him that, even though she may not be as “deep” as him, it did not mean she was “surface level” and that there wasn’t more to her than he knew. “Do I like humor? Absolutely. Have I seen that in you? No, not really.” Then she rounds it out with calling him on the fact that he’s failed to appreciate who she is or look below the surface of her humor to see who she really is.

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The conversation ends with a sort of, “I’m breaking up with you”…”NO, I’M breaking up with YOU” back-and-forth, with Kaitlyn telling him that she’s not going to convince him to stay by any means, and him saying he doesn’t want her to convince him, that he means to leave, and she’s like, “Yeah, cool, GET THE FUCK OUT THEN.”

Ian takes off, but not before leaving us with a few choice words. First, he spits some rhymes about how he’s too deep of a thinker, and BY THE WAY he also went to Princeton and Deerfield (I don’t know if you guys knew that about him, yet?) and that he’s not lame like the other guys:

He tells us that he’s being punished for being intellectual, and that they didn’t teach cheesy movie quotes at Princeton (wait, did you guys know he went to Princeton?), and that he doesn’t find he has women relate to him because he’s too deep. OH AND BY THE WAY, seeing how bad Kaitlyn was at being the Bachelorette, he feels like he knows what it takes to be the Bachelor.

DID Y’ALL GET THAT?

Ian just tried to fuck us from behind with the great, glorious, golden rod of “Say it! Say I should be the next Bachelor! SAY IT!”

“I feel like I’m destined to be the Bachelor and destined to find love on this show. If I was made Bachelor I think they would come out of the woodworks, maaaan…they’d be like, oh shit, I wanna go out with that guy. He’s so deep.”

And then to prove it, he ends it all with this:

Ian’s departure does, once again, bring up the fact that there’s a bunch of guys who have been all, “PEACE” and left voluntarily, more than any season. Which begs the question: Did the producers royally fuck up in choosing guys for this season? Or does Kaitlyn just have really poor decision-making when it comes to who she decides will stick around?

Here to answer that question is Nick! Because he’s like a slimy serpent who seems to have a sixth sense for when it’s the perfect time to turn on his sleezeball charm, he goes and finds Kaitlyn.
“Yo, girl, why you saaaad?” He asks, as he slides in next to her on the Bench of Shallowness.
“That guy back there told me I wasn’t deep. I’m so upset.”
“But your throat is deep.”
“What?”
“Nuthin’.” He slides an arm around her. “Here. Let me make you feel allll better.”

Shawn, legitimately worried that Kaitlyn might be upset because he’s an actual good guy, wanders down the hall to find Kaitlyn, too…only to see her kissing Nick. Sean throws his cocktail glass against the hallway wall in a fit of passion and rage. “If you’re not careful,” Shawn hisses under his breath to Kaitlyn, “You’re gonna LOSE ME.”
“She never had you, dawg!” Nick yells back. “She never had you AT ALL.” Then Nick turns and plunges his tongue down Kaitlyn’s throat once more as the bass from Vanilla Ice’s second album rises and Shawn stalks off. Later, we hear the sound of 15 crotch-rockets rev up and speed off angrily into the night.

Then it’s time for the Rose Ceremony, which takes place at The Alamo! A bunch of guys make comments about this rose ceremony being their “last stand”, too, and then Harrison taps a producer’s shoulder and their roses get switched out with some other guys and they’re sent home, because you can’t do that shit to America and get away with it.

Joshua and Justin are sent home. Joshua tells us that he has a hard time with the fact that Nick was still there and he wasn’t, and also that nobody’s fixed his horrible haircut which was really Kaitlyn’s fault and so that makes it even doubly more cruel that she sent him home.

Harrison joins the men and Kaitlyn and announces that they are taking off to Dublin, Ireland. Joshua hears everyone cheer in the distance as he stands in front of The Camera of the Dumped, trying to hold back his tears.

For real. That actually happened, I didn’t even make it up: It was a super sad, totally legit tragic moment.

Dublin, Ireland Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Bed Love! 

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Everyone arrives in Dublin and talks about how it’s the perfect place to fall in love.

I mean. I guess

Also, SO MANY IRISH PUNS.

In a stunning departure from past seasons, the guys are actually let out of their hotel room for a while so they can walk around and see the city. This is a thing that most people don’t know about The Bachelorette: When it comes to destination dates, you don’t get to leave your hotel room unless you’re on an actual date, because the producers don’t want you to be spotted out in the city and thus provide material for season spoilers. That’s why you saw the dateless guys just hanging around the hotel suite during Emily’s season…they weren’t allowed to leave and explore the city, which made not getting a date that much more of a bummer situation.

Anyway, Nick gets the first one-on-one date, much to the discontent of the other guys.

And in probably the only incidence of when I like him, he acknowledges that there seems to be two shows happening at the same time: “There’s The Bachelorette, and then there’s The Guys And Shawn Really Hates Nick Show.

I would pay to simply watch the latter.

Nick and Kaitlyn walk around Dublin, wander around a park – where Kaitlyn freaks out about birds –

(I could literally watch that Vine all damn day)

And then Nick tries his hand – or should I say “foot” – at an Irish Jig, which makes the entire United Nations release n universal appeal to Nick demanding that he never shame the Irish traditions in such a horrible, disrespectful way ever again.

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Basically, the date consists of the camera continually panning to how tight Nick’s green pants are while he and Kaitlyn suck face all day. They buy Irish rings, they drink whiskey, they make out against stone buildings…I mean. It gets gross, how much they keep touching and kissing.

Later that night, they have a romantic dinner date in a cathedral, which is hilarious because they literally cannot keep their hands off each other and I feel like maybe Irish Jesus would be all, “YO. Keep it in your pants when you’re in my house, kay? Blarney!”

Reaction shot of the night.

Reaction shot of the night.

But they can’t, so Kaitlyn asks Nick if he maybe wants to come back to her hotel room to hang out for a bit.

CAUSE THEY’RE GONNA BONE, Y’ALL!

They get back to her room, make out a bunch on the couch, and then go into her room and close the door.

Which is fine, except that they don’t turn their mics off and the camera stays, positioned, outside her door FOR ETERNITY. There’s lots of heavy breathing, lots of kissing noises, and we can hear them talking outside their door.

“I WANT TO KNOW EVERY PART OF YOU.”

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Nick said that. He said it out loud, to Kaitlyn. It was caught on mic, and on camera, and in that moment, I bet you a thousand dollars that at least 50 other girls were all, “Wait. What? HE SAID THAT TO ME, TOO!” There’s this thing that happens a lot with sociopaths, where they find one thing that works; one thing that seems to elicit a desired emotional reaction, and so they just keep using it, over and over on different people. This is mostly because they are incapable of sustaining any real emotional connection or empathy with another person…so much like how people on the autism spectrum have to actually learn to identify the social cues that the rest of us seem to just catch on to, sociopaths have to learn how to identify cues that will either make them appear to be feeling things and/or cues that will make others feel things so the sociopath can later manipulate those feelings for their own personal gain. For instance, I once knew a guy who had serious relationships with two girl who would later become my close friends, and one night over beers they compared notes and found out that he had sent them each a “I’m standing in the middle of the grocery store right now, crying. This is so hard.” text. WORD FOR WORD, HE SENT THE SAME EXACT TEXT TO EACH OF THEM AFTER THEIR INDIVIDUAL BREAK-UPS. This is maybe just a drop in the bucket of his socialpathism, but it gives you a clear picture of what I’m talking about.

So. Rest assured that this is a thing that Nick tells every single girl he’s trying to sleep with – because it’s definitely not something he just thought up on the fly while he and Kaitlyn were sliding into third base. Thus, if we use basic logic, this proves that he’s a sociopath.

Just trust me, it makes sense.

Here’s my feelings on the whole “OMG THE BACHELORETTE HAD SEX BEFORE THE FANTASY SUITE” thing…I’m not gonna judge a girl for gettin’ it. Is there some sexism and double-standards going on in Bachelor Nation right now? Yes. Everyone always gets all up in arms about how many people the Bachelor/ette is kissing (I loved Kaitlyn’s comment earlier in the show about being a kissing bandit), but, like, who cares? And it’s not like the contenders haven’t wanted to kiss them back.

But I want to point out something key: Kaitlyn is not the first person in Bachelor Nation history to have sex with someone before the Fantasy Suite. Ben did it, Juan Pablo did it, and a whole score of Bachelors way back in Bachelor history did it. And you know what? When Ben and Juan Pablo did it, they got TONS of scathing commentary on how skeezy and douchey they were…and, in my personal opinion, rightfully so. Kaitlyn might be the first Bachelorette we know of who got the boom in before the official Boom Boom Room part of the season, but I actually think it’s more sexist to give her a pass because she’s a girl + The Bachelorette. Let me clarify: I don’t judge ladies for having sex on what it is essentially a first date – if you’re feeling it, you’re feeling it, and you’re a grown-ass woman so do what you want. This isn’t about whether Kaitlyn is entitled and empowered to do whatever she wants with her body when she wants to do it. She totally is. BUT: 1) It does call into question how serious one is about this “journey”…relying on instant intimacy and chemistry is not always a mature response when it comes to finding a serious, lasting, built-on-love-and-trust relationship. I feel like we’ve been a little indoctrinated with some of the past Bachelor/ette’s being outspoken about waiting for marriage or wanting to wait until they were engaged to have sex with someone from the show, which ushers in a bunch of “Dis show is Christian!” attitudes that are NOT true nor have any place here. But I feel like…jumping the gun this early on in the game is also playing with some hearts. There are other people who are legit invested in this “journey”, and to think that sleeping with Nick right away wasn’t going to hurt them was not only pretty stupid, it was also pretty selfish. Yes, it’s her show, but c’mon…we have RUINED other Bachelors for not being careful and thoughtful about other contestants’ feelings. 2) BAD JUDGEMENT. I am totally enjoying this season because HELLO DRAMATIC, but you guys…with some of the judgement calls she’s been making, I don’t think she’s really ready to find a husband. (Like with the tweet below) I honestly feel like…even if it were with any other guy, it wouldn’t have been so bad. Like, if it had happened with Shawn, I feel like I would totally would have been all “GET IT”, because I feel like it would’ve felt more…yeah, this is maybe fast and in the heat of the moment, but those two have honestly connected on some deep levels about real stuff. Plus, Shawn seems like a guy who can be trusted to protect the actual emotion of the moment instead of just “Oh yeah…it was hot” quotient. With Nick, it’s the old Bad Girl/Bad Guy trip-up…if you’re still falling for the bad one at the expense of really great, good, attractive people, then you’re not ready to man up and be in a real relationship (and that goes for ALL people, not just Bachelor/ettes). It’s basically a signal to the universe…are you serious about this and willing to sacrifice immediate gratification for long-term gain (i.e., “Omg he’s so hot” vs. “Yeah, that guy is handsome but he also has really great character and will stick with me through cancer”), or do you just wanna have some fun right now? Either scenarios are TOTALLY fine…but then maybe don’t go on a show where your purpose is to truly fall in love with someone and find a husband…because then the audience feels cheated, the guys feel cheated, and all the other girls who could have been the Bachelorette and would have taken this seriously feel cheated.

So, to sum up: Kaitlyn’s not a slut, but she’s also maybe not ready for this show.

The next morning is rough. We see Kaitlyn out on her balcony, looking – at first – glowy and happy over having just gotten her pipes cleaned (MAN, that is the best feeling, isn’t it?), while Nick and his tight green pants walk back to his hotel room. Kaitlyn starts talking to someone – probably a producer – off-camera about what happened: “Has this ever happened before?” and slowly, sloowwwwly, she starts to feel guilty about it and worried about what this might do to the other guys if they find out. “I will (fucking) lose it if he says anything.”

WHY WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH SOMEONE, ON THIS SHOW, THAT YOU DIDN’T TRUST 100% TO NOT SPILL THE BEANS TO THE OTHER GUYS?

Kaitlyn. The guy has a nationally-known history of putting intimate moments on blast at the expense of the privacy and dignity of another girl. COME ON.

So of course, then we see Nick entering the Man Suite…AND HE DOESN’T EVEN BOTHER TO CHANGE HIS CLOTHES FROM THE DAY BEFORE.

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You KNOW that shit was on purpose.

With a big ol’ shit-eating grin on his face, he sits down with the other guys and tells them all about his date. “She asked if I wanted to go back to her suite, and I was kind of shocked, and yeah we drank a lot of whiskey and it was really intimate.”

SEE? THIS IS THE BOY YOU DON’T SLEEP WITH. You don’t sleep with the guy who’s all, “Yeah, and I was kind of shocked”, because then he’s the one who’s going to be totally okay with making you feel bad – now or later – about taking it all so fast, even though he totally participated and benefited from it 100%.

Shawn wouldn’t have done you that way, gurl.

An Irish Wake Is The Perfect Place To Fall In Love (But Only If You Don’t Have Somebody In Your Family Who Died)

Notice that three of my favorite guys are all captured in this one shot.

Notice that three of my favorite guys are all captured in this one shot.

GROUP DATE! The guys get a super weird poem/riddle on their date card, but somehow from that they manage to surmise that they are to show up in black suits. Shawn shows up looking super fine in his suit:

So fine.

So fine.

Which is the only part of this date that I care about right now, until Chris Harrison announces that Kaitlyn is dead, and that they are going to have a traditional Irish Wake.

Dudes.

WTF.

Also, Ben Z. is totally on this date, which in my mind is just more bad decision-making on Kaitlyn’s part.

They go inside to find Kaitlyn lying in a child-sized coffin (seriously, girl, YOU IS TINY), holding a flask. Harrison explains that an Irish Wake is all about celebrating someone’s life (while also drinking a lot, because that’s celebratory, too), so each guy has to give a toast regarding what Kaitlyn means to them.

Oof. I mean. There’s some been some weird dates on this show, but this is fucking weird, you guys.

So the guys give toasts, and the best one is when Shawn gets up to speak: “I was devastated when I learned you took your own life, but I understand. I would have done the same thing if I would have had to spend the entire night with Nick.”

Which, 1) HILARIOUS, and 2) OH SHIT SHAWN AIN’T NO DUMMY, HE KNOWS THAT NICK DIDN’T COME HOME UNTIL THE MORNING, GUUUUURL.

Ben Z asks the boys to clear the room before he gives his toast, which is when most of us – including Kaitlyn – are like, “Oh yeah, I guess I didn’t think this Wake thing through, sorry about making you RELIVE THAT AWFUL, TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE OF HAVING YOUR MOM DIE.”

Later that night, the group shows up for the romantical portion of their date in some kind of Irish brewery. She has some alone time with Jared, and then with Ben Z, and then Shawn takes Kaitlyn away from the group and shows her some family photos, which is actually pretty cute. Apparently, though, the producers didn’t learn SHIT during the Big & Rich “let me whisk one person away to a show while the rest of you jerks have to just sit here and wait” Chris Soules debacle, because Kaitlyn picked Jared for a private Cranberries concert in some old Irish church. Cranberries play “Linger”, Jared and Kaitlyn slow dance, and everyone who was born before 1990 swoons over the memory of how much they used to love this song and would have just died for someone – anyone! – to ask them to slow dance to this song, but it never happened, and so now they have to watch these jerks slow dance to it and think about how unfair life is.

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Back at the brewery, Shawn is feeling super down about the fact that, not only is he pretty sure that something happened with Nick the night before, but that Kaitlyn picked LOVEMAN Jared for the special one-on-one portion of the evening, even though he just keeps giving her his heart to her and even showed her photos of his family. He wanders away from the group and begins talking to a producer that he’s obviously connected with during the course of the show (It didn’t look like Elan because he was wearing a baseball cap, but readers, do you think it was Elan? Are there any other producers on this show besides Elan?). “You know better than anyone else here, how I feel about this girl. I was with her all night. She sat on my bed, and said “You’re it, you’re the one.” I’m in love with her.”

The other guys, wondering where Shawn wandered off to, sneak up on him talking to the producer and listen in. “I’m about to cry right now,” they hear Shawn tell the producer. “I can’t do this, man.” Shawn walks off and wanders back to the hotel.

While walking through the hotel hallways, he tells us that Kaitlyn’s ruining everything that they have. “I’m not going to make it to the end of this thing because I can’t handle it anymore.” He shows up at Kaitlyn’s room, knocks, and Kaitlyn answers, surprised, with her mouth full of food. Shawn walks into the room and sits down on her couch (that she just made out with Nick on the night before…gross) and it becomes immediately obvious that something is not okay. Then we see Kaitlyn break down in the confessional, and THE END.

Except not! First, we gotta “check in” with Britt and Brady because apparently we’re still supposed to care about them. Britt introduces Brady to her mom, and in a moment of so-fake-and-set-up-it-hurts, Brady’s all, “I’m going to give you guys time to talk, do you want anything to drink?” He leaves, and Britt leans in to ask her mom what she thinks about Brady. Her mom replies with, “He’s a great new friend.”

HAHAHA!

Britt’s all like, “Yeah, you think? Is that the vibe you’re getting?” and her mom is like, “Yeah”…TOTALLY TRYING TO PLAY DUMB, BECAUSE BRADY IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A NEW “FRIEND”. To us, Britt is all, “I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t really mean that he should just be a friend…”

YEAH SHE DID, BRITT. WANNA KNOW WHY? CAUSE EVERYONE, INCLUDING YOUR MOM, IS TIRED OF YOU ALWAYS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT AND BEING HAPPY WITH YOUR DUMB AWESOME HAIR AND CUTE FACE AND HOT SINGER-SONGWRITER HIPSTER MAKE-OUT BUDDY.

Let’s say it again, you guys:

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See you guys again next week!

//

Sound off in the comments: Do you think sleeping with Nick was a mistake? 

For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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