The Bachelorette Season 11 Episode 5: Relationships Are a Lot Like Everything, Because Surprise! You’re Watching The Bachelorette

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Welcome to Episode 5 of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn Is Funny! Our episode begins straight-away (I never thought I would miss those last-episode-recaps-and-this-episode-preview fillers, but I do. CAUSE I NEED TIME TO GET MY ALCOHOL OUT THE FRIDGE, ABC) with Nick entering the Man Suite.

Relationships Are a Lot Like a Baseball Game In That There’s A Lot of Balls Being Thrown At Your Face & You Can Strike Out At Any Time

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“Hey brahs,” Nick says, throwing up a hand in a conciliatory wave. Nobody Hey Brahs back. There’s not even a half-hearted What Up Brah in the mix. Absolutely no reciprocal Brahs to be found in that Man Suite.

(Also, has anyone else noticed that the above Mean Girl Meme has been used in literally every episode these season?)

Anyway, the guys basically demand that Nick explain why he’s there. He gives some bullshit explanation about being interested in Kaitlyn and wanting to see what might be there between the two of them, but his explanation does nothing to endear him to the guys.

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Lookit that bullshitting face!

In fact, they basically read him to filth. One of the guys – Ben? Tanner? I couldn’t tell – brought up the fact that he and Kaitlyn had been chatting on social media before he came on the show (which another guy stated later was annoying because it was like Nick already had an unfair advantage, which is true) and then basically and bluntly asked Nick if he was here for his sixteenth minute of fame AND if this whole thing was just him wanting to become the next Bachelor. THEN, Ben/Tanner confronts him on having just hung out with Andi a few weeks ago (that kid so reads US Weekly!) and now all of a sudden he’s here for Kaitlyn, which seems suspicious.

Seriously, these guys were not going easy on the old NickaDoucheCanoe.

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Nick admits that he had gotten together with Andi a few weeks prior and that they had essentially buried the hatchet.

Andi, however, apparently did not feel that they buried the hatchet, because she threw some MAJA SHAAAAADE on Twitter last night:

Then Joshua decides to throw himself into the ring, bringing up the very important point I illustrated in the tweet below:

It becomes a weird mix of “You need to defend yourself” and Nick being all, “I don’t have to defend myself to anyone.” Soon enough, though, the Real Househusband’s fight gets boring and the guys get ready for the COCKtail party. They head over to some baseball field in New York – which all the guys apparently think is a big idea but I have no fucks to give about it whatsoever because Sports Ball – with Nick trailing behind the group because none of the brahs want to chitty-chat with him on the way there…which again, is rather gratifying.

The party gets started, and J.J. tries to prove that he’s over Clint by taking Kaitlyn out to the field, picking her up, and runing her around the bases, which is admittedly cute and would be super adorable if it were someone other than J.J doing it.

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Shawn B and Kaityn go off for some alone time, and Shawn B. tells her that he feels like his walls are going back up due to the Nick thing. The one thing I like about Kaitlyn is that she does not mince words or shy away from the truth. Kaitlyn tells him that if he wants this to go downhill and burn out fast, then put those walls up, but if not, he needs to talk to her.

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You can watch the clip here, but he basically tells her that he thought she was smarter than a girl who would be taken in by a guy like Nick, and by bringing him into the group, he feels like her actions aren’t matching up with her words when she tells the guys that it has nothing to do with what she feels about her relationships with them.

It’s time for The Rose Ceremony of Dreams, which takes place on a baseball field that is obviously fucking FREEZING – seriously, everyone is bundled up in coats and scarves and shivering their ass off. What a fun way to get dumped on national TV!

Everybody’s all “If Nick gets a rose, then that takes a rose away from other guy here”, even though logically, of course he’s going to get a rose because he just freaking got there. Sure enough, when the roses are down to one, and Chris Harrrison comes out, it’s Nick, Ryan, and some older dude that I thought was pretty cool in the beginning but has since faded into the background, so you know he’s going home for sure.

CHlNWKyWEAAf6TYThere’s been a little rumbling about the rose ceremonies taking place at the top of the episode:

Which admittedly throws off almost 20 seasons of tradition, but I kind of like it. After doing recaps for the last few years, it’s really nice and refreshing to break out the same old predictable pattern each episode. Anyway, Nick stays, and Ryan and that older dude get sent home. I liked Ryan, so I’m bummed – he was cute and seemed really level-headed and smart when he actually got a chance to talk.

Relationships Are a Lot Like A Dance, In that Nobody Really Knows What They’re Doing & Everyone Looks Stupid Doing it

After the Rose Ceremony, the boys and Kaitlyn go to San Antonio, where folks know what Picante should taste like!

Ben H. gets the first one-on-one date, which is a real relief to the rest of the guys who are still obsessed about whether or not Nick’s gonna get to second base with Kaitlyn before they do. Kaitlyn picks Ben H. up in a ’50s Ford Pickup Truck, which the boys see from the window of their hotel room. “Man, that make me miss my truck,” Joshua says.

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Kaitlyn and Ben H. arrive at Gruen Hall, which is the oldest dance hall in Texas. They’re going to learn how to two-step, and then enter into a two-step dance competition. Two-stepping is actually a lot harder than it looks, guys, and I know this because my parents actually took lessons to learn how to do it so they could outshine all my dad’s relatives at wedding dances.

When it’s time for the competition, we see the dance hall fill up with people, and Betty Jo, the oldest woman still competing in two-step or something, dancing around the floor as she’s introduced as a judge and Twitter goes CRAZY. This is also the time in the episode when the producers have a bunch of old folks tell us why relationships are a lot like two-stepping.

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https://twitter.com/amber_lcarter/status/610610556492496896

Ben H. and Kaitlyn get pretty far in the dance competition, which we all enjoy, because HOT DAMN does that kid know how to move:

They’re eventually tapped out, which is okay, too, because then we get to see Ben H. putting the charm on a couple of elderly spectators. Like, this guy is perfect. Pretty much every woman in my Bachelor feed fell in love with in on this date.

Later that night, Kaitlyn and Ben sit down to dinner and Ben H. starts to tell a story about his last ex-girlfriend, but then stops himself. Kaitlyn basically is like, “Yo, don’t do that, if you start telling me a story you gotta finish it, holmes, CAUSE THAT’S HOW STORYTELLING WORKS.”

He finally relents and tells her that he and his last girlfriend were doing long-distance, which didn’t really work, and when he got home (apparently from Honduras), his girlfriend told him she had lost the chase, which hurt because his life was centered around her.

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So that’s it? She didn’t, like, tell you that she was in love with your best friend the whole time, or kill herself after you broke up with her, or tell you that she realized that she had never really loved you, it had all been something she had talked herself into to make herself feel normal and functioning and like an adult? You just had a long distance relationship that lost a certain spark and you got left? WELCOME TO EVERY ENDED RELATIONSHIP EVER.

Also, it was brought up that he’s only 26, which then makes the whole, “I can’t talk about my painful vanilla breakup with my last girlfriend” a lot more reasonable. But Kaitlyn, for her part, is really glad that he opened up to her and tells us that it feels like she just took a giant step forward with Ben.

They kiss, it’s amazing, everyone on my Twitter feed sighs and mentally screams from perfect-guy overload, the end.

Relationships Are Like A Mariachi Band In That They’re Never Around When You Want Them To Be But Always Seem To Come Around When You’re In The Middle of An Important Conversationbachelorette-a-800Group date time! The boys meet Kaitlyn at some city center, where they watch Kaitlyn be serenaded by some 14-year old Mariachi leader who’s like, “YO, I already got this Kaitlyn chick wantin’ what I gots to give and I’ve barely made it out of puberty, so hide yo’ girlfriends, hide yo’ wives, AMERICA.”

The men are then told they will be writing their own mariachi song and then performing it on a plaza where stay-at-home moms and college girls and young women in their 20s with part-time jobs will be watching them.

This was my favorite moment of the whole entire date:

The guys get all suited up in their mariachi suites (and let me tell you…those tight black pants do not leave a lot to the imagination), and start performing their songs. Justin rocks that shit OUT:

J.J. bombs (who knew?), while Jared had fun with it:

Kentucky Joe was, of course, hilarious. Ian had been signing a super cocky game the whole day:

But then totally CHOKED, which was kind of gratifying. Then he continued to berate himself for it in the confessional about how he set himself up to be a performer and then he choked, so he felt really bad about it. IT’S A MARIACHI COMPETITION. You’re gonna live through this, Ian. Promise.

Nick, of course, becomes That Guy by asking everyone to wait while he whisks Kaitlyn up the balcony for his serenade. In 1st Grade Anthony Boser once made all of us wait to ride on the Merry-Go-Round at recess so he could push his girlfriend on it for the next ten minutes, who got to ride on it, unencumbered by other pesky riders and smug at the fact that she was getting special treatment while her classmates had to give up their precious recess time waiting for her to be done with her ride. I did not take kindly to being made to wait just so Anthony could show off to his dumb girlfriend, and I loudly voiced my opinion on this matter. So this whole “would you guys mind waiting while I show off some more?” part of the date is one that I fully side with the guys on.

You can watch the clip here, but basically Nick rhymes “connection” with “erection”:

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So yeah. Charming.

Romantical Evening Group Date Time! E’rrybody hangs out at some ranch thing that has a barn and a church on the grounds. The first person who pulls Kaitlyn away from the group is Joshua, who surprises her with the romantic task of cutting his hair.

Kaitlyn starts to give him a mohawk, but the clippers died in the middle of it, so now Joshua has a horrible, half-done haircut:

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Nick, for his part, tells us that he’s much different than Joshua, and doesn’t know how having Kaitlyn give him a haircut furthers their connection. Nick knows how valuable time is in this process (geddit? BECAUSE HE’S BEEN ON THE SHOW BEFORE, THAT’S HOW HE KNOWS), so he doesn’t want to waste his time with her.

So then he basically makes out with her the whole entire time.

While they’re gone, Joshua is talking some major shade about Nick to the other guys. Nick comes back in, and Josh tells Nick that he doesn’t trust him. Nick tells him that he doesn’t need to trust him (which is true). Josh, once again, wants to know why Nick is there, and Nick talks a bunch of shiz about how he was glad that he had Josh (from Andi’s season) there during his season so that Andi could pick him instead of Nick, because he wouldn’t want to be with a girl who didn’t think he was the end-all and be-all for her.

Joshua is obviously not happy with this explanation, and takes Kaitlyn into the little church to basically waste her time by telling her that none of the other guys are being honest with her about the fact that they don’t like Nick. Kaitlyn gets upset at the thought that everyone is lying to her, and Joshua becomes a little terrified with what he’s just done. He then goes back to the guys in the barn, and for some reason, lies to them about that being “some interview”, even though a couple of the guys know he was with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn comes in and immediately puts Josh on the spot by asking the other guys if they agreed with what he said about no one being honest with her about not liking the fact that Nick is there.

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Which…guys have TOLD her that they’re not happy with him being there. Shawn B. TOLD her that he doesn’t like Nick. Why is this surprising to her, that the guys are still not cool with Nick?

The guys, for their part, keep their mouths shut, essentially throwing Joshua under the bus, and refusing to speak out even when Joshua tries to call them out on stuff they’ve said earlier to him.

It makes for a very awkward end of the night (which you can watch more of here), even more so when Kaitlyn gives Nick the rose. Which, in my opinion, was a straight-up dick move by her. If she had watched Andi’s season AT ALL, she would know that Nick is not well liked by other dudes but gives great face to the girl he likes, and there’s still obviously a little animosity about him being there…so then RIGHT after someone told her that not everything is cool with the bros, she just literally throws that back in their faces by giving Nick immunity at the next rose ceremony? Bullshit.

Relationships Are A Lot Like Kayaking, In That You Have To Balance While Paddling Or Something

 

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Shawn B. gets the next one-on-one date with Kaitlyn, and for their date, they get to do something that no one else gets to do – kayak down the San Antonio River Walk. Whilst taking a little breather on the steps, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn chat about last night and Shawn sticks up for Josh and what he said to her the night before, which is great.

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Later that night, Shawn tells her about the car accident that he survived – apparently it was a hugely massive wreck, but the coolest part of the story is when he reveals that when he was driving down the street, he realized he wasn’t wearing his seat belt, so he pulled over, put on his seat belt, and two minutes later the accident happened. The cops told him that no one should have survived an accident like that.

So that’s why he feels really lucky to be here, doesn’t take anything for granted, is falling in love with her, blah blah blah. They kiss, there’s fireworks, The End.

Love Is A Lot Like A COCKTail Party From Hell Where A Guy You Thought Was A Good Guy Turns Out To Be One Of The Biggest Douche Canoes In Bachelorette History

Ian is going through a lot of feels. He doesn’t understand why Kaitly wouldn’t want him – after all, he’s Princeton graduate, former model, been around the world a couple times…which he is only too happy to tell you all about. Also, in case you didn’t know this about him, he’s also great looking and a catch. He doesn’t find Kaitlyn interesting, but he doesn’t think that’s a problem with him, but a problem with her.

So when the COCKtail party takes place at the Alamo, Ian notes that it was the place where the Texans made their last stand for independence, so that’s where he’s going to make his last stand, too. And go out with guns blazing. 

Yeah, if you’re confused, we all kind of were, too. Basically this was a big ol’ case of “I’m going to dump you before you dump me”.

The COCKtail ceremony begins, and Ian makes a comment about Kaitlyn not being as hot as his ex-girlfriend (which is kind of hilarious because you don’t get credit for having hot exes, because they’re EXES), so again, this apparently is reason enough for him being determined to lay it all out on the table with her. When Kentucky Joe goes outside with Kaitlyn, some of the guys – including Ian – see them kissing, and Ian gets upset. Kaitlyn doesn’t seem into him, he tells us, and it’s making him look bad. But also, it seems like she’s just here to kiss a bunch of guys (except for you, Ian. That’s the part you left out. She’s here to kiss a bunch of guys EXCEPT FOR YOU), and Ian don’t wanna play that. He’s an enigma that you unwrap for life, you guys. “I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex in my own life.” (editor’s note: making this statement on national TV becomes even more hilarious when you put it in the context that one of his biggest complaints about Kaitlyn is her lack of class and depth). “I’m at a place where everyone is bowing down to this girl, and it’s making me look bad.”

Oh geez.

So Ian grabs Kaitlyn, and as they’re walking to their alone time, he asks how San Antonio is. She replies with, “I love it. Are you loving it?” and he’s like, “No.” Okay, then. Ian opens with the fact that he heard what Kaitlyn said earlier about being honest, so he’s going to be honest. Ian tells her that he looks around the house and he looks at Kaitlyn, and everyone here seems to be “on vacation from life”, but he’s not here to be on vacation. It’s also really hard for them that everyone is always “making fart jokes and poop jokes and sex jokes”.

To Ian, you guys, that’s surface level stuff. And he’s not interested in surface level stuff. He came here expecting to meet the girl who had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules (why? This part is weird to me…why would you want to meet a girl who’s had her heart broken? There’s a Tucker Max thing in there that I can’t put my finger on), “not the girl who wanted to get her field plowed by Chris.”

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh noooooooooo….

After getting to know her these past few weeks, Ian feels like Kaitlyn’s only here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV. And when it comes to her bringing Nick in, Ian doesn’t question Nick’s intentions, he questions Kaitlyn’s intentions. And because of alla dis, he views her as a surface-level person at this stage. “And I wonder if you’re really that shallow?”

Kaitlyn’s face is EVERYTHING.

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That’s the Kaitlyn Death Face, everybody.

You can watch the clip here.

Also, WHO PICKED THESE GUYS?! So far we have at least FOUR DUDES who turned out to be absolute asshole NIGHTMARES. Like, total freaking American Psycho NIGHTMAAAAAARES.

And we’ve got one dude still there (J.J.) who we’re literally all waiting to see if he’s actually going to kill someone during an elitist-compensation-induced rage.

Anyway, shit is going DOWN next week.

And it’s gonna be GREAT.

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For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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