The Bachelorette Season 11, Episode 4: The Broadway Rap Battle for Kaitlyn’s Heart

Welcome to episode 4 of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn Is Funny!

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes / How Do You Measure The Love Lost Between J.J. & Cliii-iiint? 

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Last night our episode started right away (like, right away – they didn’t even do that whole “last week + this week” filler preview that gives a girl time to GO GET HER BOTTLE OF WINE OUT THE FRIDGE, ABC) with Kaitlyn confronting Clint about the things that other guys have said. He gets defensive and brings up their good times during their one-on-one, which happened, like, a BILLION YEARS ago, and she comes back with saying that since then it feels like they’re constantly taking a step back. He tries to do the “But I only act like an ass because I’m so vulnerable” douche-bag tap-dance (girls, do NOT fall for that line of bullshit) by telling her that he’s always been 100% with her and that’s really hard for him to do and that scares him. She’s like, “Yeah, bullshit” and tells him that she’s done, that she doesn’t trust him, and it’s time for him to hit the bricks.

Holding hands (like, what was that about), they go find the guys all gathered in the living room. “I wanna know who talked to Kaitlyn and said I wasn’t nice to you guys,” Clint demands, as if this is his show. All the guys ignore him, and Kaitlyn announces to the guys that she’s sending Clint home. “I”m sorry to everybody for this turning into another dramatic night,” she apologizes. J.J. flips on Clint, and, in front of everyone, demands an apology from him for taking time and emotion away from the evening. The look on Clint’s face was pure cinematic love-tragedy drama. One of the guys notes that he thinks Clint was actually more sad about having J.J. turn on him than Kaitlyn.” J.J. tries to tell us that he’s not here looking for a boyfriend…he’s here looking for a GIRLfriend. Me thinks thou protest too much…

JJ and Clint stand (very closely to another) in the vestibule, exchanging words.

JJ puts his hand on Clint’s shoulder and attempts to console him, and Clint grits his teeth and tells J.J. not to touch him, that he’s going to kill him. “Get the fuck out of my face.” Clint calls J.J. a piece of shit, and J.J. says something about how no one else knows either (knows what?!?!?!). “I went in there and asked you to back me up,” Clint tells J.J, as he prepares to walk out of the house. “Have a good night, hey best of luck here, hey that ties goes really well with that shirt, hey, fuck you.” Clint storms off to the van, slamming the door as hard as he can.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn confers with Chris Harrison and, like a queen bestowing gold coin favors on the poor, announces that there won’t be a rose ceremony that night.

Of course there won’t be a rose ceremony. You’ve had, like, 20 guys either bail or lose it enough that you had to send them home prematurely. There’s no need for a rose ceremony at this point. 

Chris Harrison also announces to the guys that they should go pack their bags, that they’re leaving the MANsion forever…and first stop? NEW YORK! (those lucky fucks)

Then we see J.J. going into a bathroom and shutting the door. Later, we see him crying, tears rolling down his face, during his confessional time.

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He stands up, walks a few steps away so his back is to the camera, and sobs. Then he slaps himself…suuuper hard. “Son of a bitch. Suck it up.” And suddenly we all have visions of J.J. growing up in a lonely east coast mansion with an absent, alcoholic mother and an abusive industry tycoon father who never spends any time with J.J. except for when he’s trying to beat the weakness out of him; J.J. trying to hard to fit in at his boarding prep school but he doesn’t quite have any of the right social skills so he’s always kind of a hanger-on, the weasel of the elite crowd who gets made fun of and left out because he always tries so hard to act like he belongs that it’s physically painful to anyone watching; and then, finally, he meets the love of his life in Clint, who also turns on him and basically just hates him now, leaving him to, once again, be a guy in a house full of other guys, none of whom can stand him and he knows it.

Start Spreadin’ The News…Nick Is On His Way…He Wants To BE A PART OF IT! New York New Yooooork!

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The guys are staying at the Knickerbocker Hotel, in a room with a huge balcony that overlooks Times Square. Then they get a date card, which says something like, “Let’s keep it Fresh”, and I immediately know that they’re going to meet Doug E. Fresh and do a rap battle (mostly because Gawker did a very excellent and slightly hilarious write-up about this a few months ago).

Half these dudes don’t even know who Doug E. Fresh IS, which makes me very angry. I suspect this also makes Doug E. very angry, too, but since he’s a real chill dude with a legend as a legacy, he keeps it fresh by simply announcing that they’re going to be participating in a rap battle in front of a live crowd (a.k.a., a bunch of 20something white girls who got the day off from their magazine and PR jobs)

A rap battle, for those of you who are J.J. and have never listened to a rap in your life and really only listen to Broadway show tunes…

…is a competition where a pair of guys go up against each other and see who can rap out the biggest disses to the another.

The show begins. Doug E. Fresh tries to warn the guys that rap battle audiences are hard core, and if you don’t bring the dopest rhymes, they’ll throw shoes at you and shit.

Except this crowd is filled with girls who care more about keeping their beach wavy beachy than judging a superior diss-and-dismiss, so pretty sure everyone’s gonna be fine.

Honestly, you guys, the rap battle ends up being the most painful thing ever. It’s not even Ha Ha Painful, Let’s Talk About How Bad That Was, it was “This is so painful let me just go into the kitchen for a few minutes and pretend to get some more wine so I don’t have to assault my already-bleeding ear drums anymore with this mess.”

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Like, at one point, someone tells another guy to go back to New York and “all your ho’s” and the crowd BOOS.

THE CROWD BOOS AT THE WORD “HO’S.”

Even Kaitlyn says it’s the worst ever. “I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with two guys in khaki pants.”

However. While Doug E. Fresh is MC’ing the thing, the camera pans to the crowd and we see Kardashley (from last season of The Bachelor) and Nick Viall sitting in the crowd.

Nick, as some of you might remember, was the guy who made it to the final two on The Bachelorette: Andi’s a Lawyer. He was famous that season for his affection for man scarves and not being there to make friends, but he reached notoriety on the After The Final Rose show when he asked Andi why she made love to him in the Fantasy Suite if she was going to pick Josh. Andi didn’t play that, and Nick went down in history as one of the douchiest of the douches in Bachelorette herstory.

So, you know. It’s cool that he’s showing up now.

After the show’s (finally) over, Kaitlyn goes into this roped-off area to talk to Kardashley. Oh! Whaddya know, Nick just happens to be there, too! OMGOSHTHISISSOUNEXPECTEDWHATAREYOUDOINGHERE!

Apparently, Kaitlyn and Nick met over social media and have gotten to know each other through sexting and nude SnapChat pics. They go and talk, where Nick drops the bomb that he couldn’t let Kaitlyn get engaged without at least putting himself out there (HAHAHAHA, Nick, for thinking that she’s going to get engaged + will never be single again).

“So are you staying?” Kaitlyn asks. “That’s up to you,” Nick’s neck scarf answers. But there’s no time to decide! It’s time to get a on boat with a bunch of men who actually auditioned and put themselves through the paces to legit be here!

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Kaitlyn joins the guys below deck (haaaaay), and true to the whole “hey, you thought you were enjoying yourselves but now I’m here to ruin alla dat” spirit of this season, she announces that Nick surprised her earlier that day and he wants to join the guys in the quest for her heart.

The guys? Are pissed.

Shawn B. in particular is not happy, bringing up the point that if she truly felt confident that her husband was already there, she wouldn’t feel the need to bring another guy into the mix. Which. I mean. He has a point.

Kaitlyn goes up on the deck to talk to Nick, who apparently invited himself to this part of the group date.

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They stand there and hug and talk about stuff and then kiss, and it’s curious, how affectionate and comfortable they seem with each other for only having been social media “friends” up to this point. They discuss whether it’s right for him to join the journey after she’s developed strong relationships with so many of the guys, and finally Kaitlyn tells him that they should sleep on it.

Cue a billion “sleeping with” jokes from Twitter, mainly because we know that they pretty much bang it in like, two weeks.

The guys, sitting below deck sans Kaitlyn, grow more and more unhappy the more they talk about Nick joining them.

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A bunch of them know how much a douchebag Nick is, citing the time when he put Andi on blast on national television. Which, I mean…it’s kind of refreshing, the fact that more guys are concerned about the fact that he’s just not a good guy vs. more competition for them.

Kaitlyn, finally getting back to the guys she’s on an actual date with, gives Justin the date rose. The guys go back to their awesome NYC hotel suite and complain to the other guys about the awful day they had.

MET Me Halfway

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Kaitlyn calls Nick in the morning to see if he’d be willing to meet up with her before her date with Jared. She has to get her hair done, she tells him, so maybe they can meet afterward and talk face-to-face (a.k.a., make out some more)? More screen time? Nick says (to himself). For sure! I’m there!

And guess who just happens to be Kaitlyn’s hairdresser? Onion Lover Ashley S.!

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Who, I gotta say, looks pretty good. Kaitlyn and Ashley talk about Nick wanting to come on the show, and Ashley drops some pearls of wisdom about how it’s about “lust, not love” when it comes to what Kaitlyn sees with Nick.

Maybe when Ashley is in her natural habitat at the hair salon, she feels more safe and therefore sane?

Later, we see Kaitlyn standing on a street corner, waiting for Nick as he pops out of a taxi.

Like, does he not look like a douche? Look at his hair. Look at those douchey layers of clothing that he put together with skinny jeans. He’s like the prepster hipster incarnate, who has come to earth to impregnate some American-Apparel wearing skinny girl with a baby that they’ll later name Jackson and dress up in baby-sized hipster beanies and Converse baby shoes.

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Then we notice her hair, which is basically just a side braid.

Nick and Kaitlyn talk. He tells her that he’s curious about her, which is why he wants a chance. He knows, though, that the guys aren’t going to be happy, but he hopes they can respect why he wants to be there.

Kaitlyn does the thing we all knew she was going to do, which is ask him to stay so they can see what’s really there between them. However, she doesn’t want him to move in with the guys yet until she’s had a chance to tell them her decision.

Kaitlyn goes to meet Jared at their private dinner date at the goddamn MET.

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Kaitlyn tells us that she’s preoccupied by thoughts about Nick. She asks Jared how things are back at the “house” (um, Kaitlyn, I believe you mean the luxury five-star suite at one of the premier hotels in the country), and Jared tells her that he doesn’t really want to talk about the other guys, he just wants to focus on the two of them (damn, boy. Nice move). Then, still refusing to give up her quest to talk about Nick some more, she asks Jared what his feeling about the whole Nick situation is, and he’s like, “Oh, okay.” He says some stuff about it not being ideal but he knows their connection is strong, blah blah blah.

At least, I’m assuming. I got uncomfortable when he whipped out a poem so I started checking Twitter so I could tune that shit out.

They kiss, and then read a note that apparently tells them they have a helicopter waiting, because of course they do.

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So they get on the helicopter and I hear Jared say something about “And that’s the night I fell in love with Kaitlyn.”

Aw. You poor sucker.

“A Whole New World – Don’t You Dare Close Your Eyes! – A Man Named Nick Is Here To Ruin Your Life…” 

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The next morning, Kaitlyn pops into the Guy’s Fantasy Suite and tells them, “Hey guess what I have a new boyfriend and I’m moving him in here with you so be cool with it okay because I don’t care about your feelings and this is my show and you’re all probably going home soon anyway so PEACE.”

“At the end of the day it’s just a decision that I have to explore,” Kaitlyn tells them. “And it doesn’t take away anything I have with anyone.

The guys are not happy, but half of them have a group date to get to, so one of the guys gives a pep talk about not letting their time with her be “vampire’d” by the Nick stuff, which is actually great advice.

The guys arrive at the Amsterdam Theater and walk into a rehearsal for the Broadway production of Aladdin. It’s announced, by a legit Broadway director, that the guys are going to be put through their paces when it comes to going through an actual Broadway audition.

Guys, I don’t even like most Broadway musicals, but even I’m green with jealousy that these lucky fucks get to be on an actual Broadway stage, learning Broadway choreography, getting a singing lesson by a Broadway musical director, and then get to go through an actual Broadway audition. Some people spend their entire lives waiting for even a chance at something like this, and these dudes just showed up to a goddamn Bachelorette casting call.

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Auditions begin, and some of them are hilarious – like Josh, who basically just makes up his own words to “A Whole New World – and some are legit awful. Cupcake Chris, on the other hand, actually gets into it.

The other guys aren’t impressed, though, saying that he was overdoing it and trying to do it “for real”, which is a thing you think is so not cool when you’re in 7th grade, which is apparently where some of these guys still live inside their heads.

Chris wins the audition, which means he and Kaitlyn get to be extras in the Broadway show taking place that night. And since it’s another one of those “oh, you thought you were going on a group date? Not if you were a loser, you weren’t!”, the other guys have to do a walk of shame back to their hotel.

Chris and Kaitlyn get ready for their stage time, and then they go out and dance around on stage during one of the numbers, and then they do some other stuff, and once again I was busy checking Twitter because I was bored so I don’t really know what else happened, but I’m pretty sure they kissed or something.

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Back at the hotel, the guys are talking some more about Nick showing up, and the production crew decide to draw out the whole “Guys talking about Nick while Nick slowly enters the hotel” sequence for dayz. Nick gets into the elevator, and the camera catches the elevator attendant smiling broadly at him, which was the only interesting part of this whole “omg the new guy is coming we’re gonna beat him up if he doesn’t show us some respect” sequence.

Also, since we spent so much time on that, once again, the show doesn’t end in a rose ceremony.

Oh! But wait! During the credits, we get to see Britt and Brady frolicking on the beach, talking about perfect timing and how they couldn’t have planned this (this being their hooking up? This being their bid for more camera time? This being their insistence on staying in front of America even though everyone is already tired of them?) any better. The show keeps acting like everyone’s on the edge of their seats, wondering if Britt and Brady are back together…NO WE’RE NOT. WE JUST SAW THEM TWO WEEKS AGO.

GET THE NET, ABC.

Anyway.

See you hot babes again next week!

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For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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