The Bachelorette Season 11, Episode 3: Tony’s Totally Not Chill, Sex Ed Is a Thrill, & Villains Gotta Vill

the-bachelorette-week-3-still-54

Welcome to episode très of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn’s Funny! This week, the Bachelorette boys get their Sumo suits on, we all have a horrible time in a basement, and everybody learns how menstruation works!

To kick off our episode, we return to where we were last week: Kupah’s meltdown. After Kaitlyn let him go, Kupah has taken to aggressively yelling at the producers who are trying to get a good exit interview out of him. Kaitlyn, overhearing his aggressive grunting from inside the confessional, goes out to the driveway and tells him that he needs to stop getting in other people’s faces. He tries to laugh it off, but she stands her ground, basically telling him to stop acting like a baby and go home. She returns back to the house, and Kupah once again demonstrates his fatal flaw: He just can’t stop talking. First he makes some jokes about how he’s “just going to whisper now! We’re just gonna whisper!” ( which I admit, was kind of funny) but then says some stuff, like he “honestly doesn’t even like her right now” and everyone in America just basically rolls their eyes and checks their Twitter feed until Kupah has climbed into the Van of Shame is gone from all our sights.

Going back to the guys, Kaitlyn gives a speech about how hard this all is, and if anyone has something they want to talk about with her, she’s open to it. Then Chris Harrison comes in and is basically like, “Yeah, this is what you signed up for. I bet Britt wouldn’t be complaining about this shit.”

I mean. He didn’t say that, exactly.

But we all knew he was thinking it.

Rose Ceremonies Are So Unexpectedly Hard When You’ve Been Through All of This Before & This Is Exactly What You Signed Up For

So we finally get to the Rose Ceremony. Tony tells us that he has sacrificed a lot to be here: His business, his dog, and time with his bonsai trees. Luckily for him, for the very last rose, Kaitlyn picks Tony…probably because she knows that he looks at the world through the eyes of a child (gross), has the heart of a warrior, and has a gypsy soul.

But by keeping him, she sends home Cory and Daniel. Cory has a daughter, so Kaitlyn felt like he needed to be at home with her more than at the MANsion with her, and Daniel? Well, she doesn’t know why she sent Daniel home, because he was funny and attractive and she liked him.

Bye Felicia

Bye Felicia

Kaitlyn cries about how all of this is really hard and how she wasn’t prepared for any of this, and somewhere far, far away (like maybe 12 miles down the 405), Britt rolls her eyes, weeps about how unfair everything is, and snuggles closer to Brady’s low scoop-neck t-shirt.

Sumo SMASH

Screen-Shot-2015-06-01-at-8.16.45-PM

Early the next morning, the guys get woken up by two world-champion Sumo Wresting masters. They journey downstairs, where Chris Harrison instructs them that half of them will be learning how to Sumo Wrestle. The lucky crew that gets to demonstrate their love of Japanese Culture (or, in J.J.’s case, their love of sushi) shimmy into their Sumo diapers and everyone makes their way out to the pool.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…Sumo Wrestling isn’t sexy. And you know what? You’re right. The only person on earth who’s hot about this date is Kaitlyn, but that’s probably only because she gets to see all the junk in those trunks on full display, while the rest of us get to unpixelate the balls and buns on on display in our imaginations.

And trust us, we don’t. Who gets off on seeing balls?!

So the guys learn the art of Sumo, then go up against the biggest guy, who’s apparently 600 pounds and the biggest guy in Sumo *yawn*. When it’s time for Tony to go up against the Sumo Master, he talks the biggest game of shit – “If I were this guy, I would be terrified.” Yeah, mmmkay, Tony. So of course, when he gets in the ring, what does he do? A combo of pushing and TICKLING, because Tony sees the world through the eyes of a child. “You’re laughing!” Tony smiles, as he continues to try to push and tickle the Sumo.

He finally loses his balance, and stalks off. Kaitlyn, sensing something’s wrong, goes off to talk to him, but after saying a couple things to him, he continues to completely ignore her and continue to walk into the house. Um, RUDE…that is NOT something the heart of a warrior would do, Tony.

Finally he turns around, and immediately gets aggressive about the fact that he’s pissed about the aggressive dates.

And I just want to take a moment and say that I FUCKING CALLED IT:

As an aside, Tony actually reminds me of a guy I once dated who had such a grandiose sense of self that he automatically assumed that everything was about him…if I wrote a blog post that had absolutely nothing to do with guys or dating, he would still assume that I was trying to send him secret messages that he was all I was thinking about (by, you know, pretending that I was thinking about something else). He was also kind of trippy and weird and out there, and had this sort of faux-chill personality thing going on that really just masked a turn-on-a-dime slightly-scary aggressive side.

So it’s going to be fun to see if Tony is the exact same way.

‘Cause I’m pretty sure he is.

Like, these dates are not super not chill or Namaste at all. He would rather do something peaceful and loving, because that’s who he is. Kaitlyn states that he didn’t have to do that  (the date), and he’s all, “I”m here for you, Britt, ImeanKaitlyn.” “I view the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy.” (Okay, Tony – once is weird enough. Repeating that CheeseBall Mantra a second time is just crazy talk) He wants Kaitlyn to see all sides of him (even though she was getting a pretty good view of all his sides just from where she was standing). “Can we not just do something fun?” Tony demands to know. “Why does it always have to be about aggression?”

Kaitlyn interjects and explains that she has a very adventurous side, a fun side, and to her, this date was just about having fun and being able to laugh at themselves, put themselves out there and do things they wouldn’t normally do, and to her, this wasn’t about violence (nor was it to anyone, except Tony). She thought they would just laugh at themselves and then sit down and talk more.

“We can do so in a much more non-violent way,” Tony continues, refuses to be chill about this. “Am I the only one who sees that there are many other ways to connect, and have fun?”

Yes, Tony, but y’see…THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU. This isn’t about what YOU want to do on the dates. THIS IS ABOUT KAITLYN.

“Can we not just take a boat ride,” Tony asks. “Or go sky diving?”

JJ sees Tony running his mouth off at Kaitlyn, who looks obviously upset. He strolls over there, and while Tony is telling Kaitlyn that he’s a “very sensitive person”, J.J. is all, “This was supposed to be a fun day. You’re stressing her out.” Right away Kaitlyn’s like, “Whoa, stop” and because Tony has the heart of a warrior, points and says, “You get the fuck out of here right now.” Then he turns to Kaitlyn and says, “He was out of line. He was out of line.”

NO TONY. THE ONLY PERSON OUT OF LINE IS YOU.

the-bachelorette-week-3-still-22

Some of the other guys wander over and try to calm Tony down, with Ian managing to usher Aggro Tony back into the MANsion to calm down. Shawn B. calls it when he says that, instead of being able to spend quality time with the guys, Kaitlyn’s having to deal with this bullshit. But Kaitlyn can’t let it go, and wanders up to the balcony to talk to Tony, who’s hanging with Ian.

Tony tells Kaitlyn that he’s here for the right reasons, but that he’s worked really hard to become the person he is today, and he “can’t find happiness by reverting back to my primal instincts.”

Kaitlyn tells Tony that these dates were supposed to be fun, and that he never has to do something he doesn’t want to do; he’s free to sit out and she won’t judge him for it. Tony still just can’t fucking chill and let his gypsy spirit take over. Kaitlyn finally tells him that there’s a second part to the Sumo Wrestling, which is an exhibition (ah, you mean another one, yeah?) and she hopes that he’ll be there. But by this time, everyone in America is basically wondering why everyone keeps coddling this baby.

Tony does not show up for the round-robin Sumo Wrestling exhibition. A buncha ladies did, though, and they all cream their jeans when the guys shrug off their kimonos and reveal what their mama (or father, if you want to be genetically correct) gave ’em. J.J. tells us that he has caught Kaitlyn checking out his ass several times that day, but then he also turns around and we see his super gross, disgusting back, and we all know that she was mostly just deciding if their one-on-one dates should include a back facial.

Back at the MANsion, Tony’s till riled up. “Why can’t we go to the zoo?” He wonders. “And you know, imitate the animals? Who makes the best animal noise?” You can’t do that, Tony, BECAUSE THAT IS A FUCKING LAME AND STUPID DATE IDEA.

Finally, Tony decides that his gypsy soul need to be outta here. He pacs up his stuff and waits outside Kaitlyn’s house with a tiny flower. She strolls up in some hot leather leggings, and he proceeds to tell her that he’s here for the right reasons, but he just can’t participate in this circus anymore. “Cool, get the fuck out, then,” Kaitlyn basically tells him #inmyimagination.

the-bachelorette-week-3-still-30

J.J. and Clint are sitting on some lawn furniture, waiting for Kaitlyn to join them for COCKtails and conversation, and J.J. mentions to Clint how Kaitlyn looks amazing in leather pants (GOD he’s gross. Like, is he not every single villain in a Brett Easton Ellis novel? All prep-school privileged and lascivious and cocky, who will later hurtle toward his own destruction via a huge coke habit and an addiction to strippers and hookers). Clint, for his part, is going to hang back. If Kaitlyn cares about getting to know him, he tells us, she’ll make a move and show him she cares.

The rest of the date goes swimmingly, except for Kaitlyn saying some nice things about J.J. When they all gather around the table, Kaitlyn totally calls Clint out. “Clint, I don’t know what happened to you today…I took you out on the first one-on-one date and you ignore me all day?” He just kind of looks off into the distance and shrugs like a total dick.

A Basement Experience of Bullshit

the-bachelorette-week-3-still-36

Ben Z. and Kaitlyn receive date cards from Chris Harrison stating that he’s going to be planning the date that day. They head off in a limo together and arrive at a junkyard, basically. They meet Harrison inside the warehouse, and while Chris is explaining the date, there is the unmistakable coo of a pigeon. Kaitlyn immediately freaks. Apparently she’s terrified of birds!

All the birds

All the birds

Okay. Have we not learned, yet, that you never tell the producers what your actual fears are?! THEY ARE ALWAYS GOING TO MANIPULATE THAT SHIT FOR DATES. If I ever went on The Bachelor, I would list my biggest fears as “First Class flights, exotic vacations, and full-body massages.”

Anyway, the date is something called The Basement Experience, which is basically one of those games where you have to figure out a code – which you can only find by solving different clues, riddles, and puzzles around the room –  in order to get out of the room again. (If you’re local and this kind of thing sounds fun to you, you’re gonna want to check out The Riddle Room. And then request me as your host, because I do that stuff when I’m not, you know, writing blog recaps about reality TV shows).

basement-escape-room-229x300

The room that Ben Z and Kaitlyn are in is everything out of your basic nightmares.

And, just as a little treat, a disclaimer shows up at the bottom of the screen letting us know that animals and insects have been added to the area and that’s not a normal part of the experience. Great! Ben Z basically makes everyone in America fall in love with him by stating that he doesn’t want the girl he has feelings for to cry or be scared. And with that body…shiiiiit. I hate scary dates, but I would totally manufacture some of that shit just so I could be all, “Hold me close against your hard muscles! Make me feel safe! Oh, I can feel the adrenaline pumping into my heart from all the fear…let’s do each other!”

the-bachelorette-week-3-still-41

But otherwise:

Like, I am not down with being subjected to maggots crawling around or a bunch of snakes everywhere (once again, Ben Z. made the mistake of admitting that he has a fear of snakes. GOOD GOING, BEN). Finally they make it out of there, and journey on to the romantic portion of the date. They talk about stuff, and Ben brings up his mom dying again (though this time in a much smoother fashion).

the-bachelorette-week-3-still-45

He tells Kaitlyn how he felt like he had to be strong for his brothers and dad when their mom died, so he didn’t let himself cry on the day she passed away, and since then hasn’t cried for 11-12 years (yet manages to talk about it in a really vulnerable, endearing way that makes us cry).

I am officially in love with that guy.

Master Class In Awkward Sexual Situations

CGb-m-zUIAAp1uS

For the next group date, Kaitlyn and the guys descend upon what looks like a middle school, where the guys find out that they’ll be teaching a class all about sex education. The guys each get different topics ranging from female anatomy, menstruation, and reproduction. Kaitlyn tells us that being able to talk about sex is a big thing to her, so she planned this date to see how comfortable the guys could be with their own sexuality.

While the guys are planning out their talks, Kaitlyn goes and talks to Jared, The Poor Man’s Josh Hartnett. Jared jokes about writing a rap about puberty, and includes a line about finding a hair on his balls.

Finally the presentations start, and they are HILARIOUS ( <-seriously, watch the clip).

150528-news-bachelorette

The guys go over their topics, then open the floor for questions, and the kids proceed to ask a bunch of questions, like what a clitoris is. 

images

Ben H., whose topic is reproduction, gives what is basically a John-Hughes-written version of “When two people start to really care for one another” speech while looking soulfully into Kaitlyn’s eyes. He pulls her up to the front of the class to help him demonstrate a sperm racing to the egg of his dreams, etc, and it’s like…sheesh. This guy? Is SLICK.

Kaitlyn lets on that the guys are actually being pranked – all the kids are actually child actors. There’s some chatter on Twitter about how that’s still not okay, and I literally just roll my eyes. I knew more about sex at 7 years old than most of my friends did at 17.

And look how I turned out.

During the romantic portion of the group date, Ben H tells Kaitlyn how he used to be a youth worker, so he loves kids and volunteers in Honduras every year, blah blah blah. Like, he’s almost too perfect, but he’s super cute so we’re just going to suspend our disbelief. Jared and Kaitlyn hang out/make out, and Kaitlyn gushes about how he’s a man and is not afraid to be a man and is comfortable in his sexuality…?

Jared, at one point, slow dances with Kaitlyn, then looks into her eyes, whispers, “I think you’re pretty awesome,” and then kisses her. I expected more from you, LOVEMAN.

At the end, Ben H. gets the date rose, but to Jared, it ain’t no thang, except that it’s evident in his Poor Man Josh Hartnett eyes that it is, in fact, a thang.

JJ & Clint 4Eva

So then we get to see a segment about how Clint and J.J. are not only striking up a bromance, but that it might actually be a real romance. Thy sit in the hot tub and talk about turtles (“Like, I think turtles are the coolest animals, they’re my favorite animals in the entire world.” “Aw, yeah, bro, turtles are the coolest.”), they strum their guitars and gaze longingly at each other, they cook together and break bread together.

“The thought of coming onto The Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind,” Clint tells us. “But I believe in the process and I’m a success story.”

Let me just say this: If there is even a remote chance that this could be a real thing, then that’s actually pretty cool and two of my least favorite guys on the show might actually redeem themselves. But I’ve heard from some reliable sources that this is a prank, and I am not fucking cool with that. Two guys falling in love with each other isn’t hilarious. It’s not a super funny, outrageous joke. I obviously take things a little less seriously than other people on a regular basis, but this stuff is where I draw the line. There’s a certain sensitivity chip missing in guys who think it’s the most hilarious thing ever to pretend to be falling in love with another man. It’s a real fucking thing, and it’s to be respected, not mocked.

*hops off soap box*

Rose Ceremony

At the COCKtail party before the Rose Ceremony, Kaitlyn greets the guys and mentions that some of the relationships have taken a step back *side eye at Clint*, and that she’s heard that here’s been friction in the house (more side eye at Clint and J.J.). When she’s done with her speech, Clint immediately whisks her away for some one-on-one time. Clint has a new strategy: He wants to stay in the house because he loves J.J. and wants to continue to be with him, so he’s going to work to get a rose so he can do just that. Does this not sound like a plot from an old 50s movie? Where two gay males with move-star looks, seemingly posh backgrounds, and no souls conspire bamboozle a heiress with fake proclamations of love so they can later swindle her and run away together to live and love each other in Hawaii or something?

No? Well, then, I’m gonna write that movie, ’cause that’s a good plot.

So anyway, Clint’s playing a villain card. “Villan’s gotta Vill, bro,” He and J.J. say to each other.

For real. I didn’t even make that up.

https://twitter.com/BacheloretteABC/status/605552909892198400

Clint tries to explain why he didn’t talk to Kaitlyn on their sumo group date, and the explanation basically involves his balls. Kaitlyn is charmed, and his kisses her. “I was wearing my power socks today, so I had to use the power. And abuse it,” he tells us.

The other guys, however, are not having it. Justin has some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn, and without totally being all, “OMG, so do you like J.J.? Because I don’t. OMG, why do you even like him?”, he expresses that there’s some friction in the house regarding Clint and maybe J.J. Joshua, for his part, just pretty much is all, “YO, that Clint dude is bad news, and you need to know about this.” J.J. is upset that the boys are trying to throw him and his buddy under the bus, and his true American Psycho Persona comes out.

Even though, you know, it’s basically what he’s been trying to do to them this whole time.

For maybe THE FIRST TIME EVER, slagging on another guy in the house to the Bachelorette does not work out poorly for the slagger. Instead, Kaitlyn mentions to Joshua that that isn’t the first time that Clint’s name has come up in that context, and basically tells Joshua that if there’s anything else he wants to say about or to Clint, do it now, because after she’s done talking to him he’s probably not gonna be in the house anymore.

OH SNAP!

And then our episode ends!

The preview of next week’s episode looks DRAMATIC. At one point, we see J.J. and Clint get into faces-up-close-heated-words fight, and then we see J.J. making sobbing noises with his back turned to us, AND THEN HE HITS HIMSELF IN THE FACE.

IT’S GONNA BE GOOOOOOOD! 

See you next week!

//

For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

And if you’ve liked this post, look at the world through the eyes of a child and share this with your fellow gypsy souls by letting your warrior heart hit those share buttons below. 

If you like this post, please share it with your friends!Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Tumblr0Share on Facebook4Pin on Pinterest0Share on Google+0Share on Reddit0Email this to someone

About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *