The Bachelorette, Season 11, Episode 2: Pulling Punches

 

Episode 2 of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn’s Funny opens up with Kaitlyn telling us that she still can’t believe that she gets to be the Bachelorette! It’s so surreal, you guys! She never thought she would get a second chance at finding love!

(Really? You really didn’t think you would get a second chance? You went on Chris’ season, got sent home, and thought, “Well, that was it, it’s over”? “No more love, ever, for me!”?)

Then Chris Harrison comes in, and she talks to him about how she just can’t believe she gets to be the Bachelorette. She’s so excited, Chris! She just can’t believe it!

This is a lot more hilarious if you know what happens at the end of the season.

You know who’s not excited that Kaitlyn is the Bachelorette? Britt, who sits on her bed in her hotel suite and calls her mom to cry about it.

Also, I really hope they edited out a bunch of stuff her mom said about Britt being prettier than everyone else, because if not, Britt kind of has the worst mother – she just kind of moaned “Oh Britt,” over and over and then Britt was like, “Okay bye”.

But THEN! KNOCK KNOCK BRITT…WHO’S AT THE DOOR?

It’s Carly, who came to rub it in Britt’s face that not everyone loves you Britt!

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Just kidding, it’s Brady! Who has somehow managed to find the lowest scoop neck t-shirt in America. He woos Britt by telling her that she looks like she could use a hug. Aw, did you even know that Britt loves to give out free hugs?!

Chris Harrison arrives at the MANsion to tell the guys that there will be three dates that week: Two group dates and a 1-on-1. He leaves the first date card, and then is all, “BYE, GOTTA GO ON BOOK TOUR, BYYYYYEEEEE”. The boys read the date card, which says that the date will end with a “ring”. I would tell you who’s going on the group date, but it was too many boys to keep track of, and at this stage in the game, none of us really care yet. What we do care about, however, is Tony’s American Flag puffy vest:

Screen Shot 2015-05-26 at 12.09.21 PMAlso, lookit how dumb Clint looks:

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Blood, Sweat, & Concussions

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We’re treated to a really awful black and white montage of Kaitlyn shadow boxing in a dark room full of steam and spotlights…seriously, get some self-respect, Bachelorette producers: Either pony up the money for the rights to use “Eye of The Tiger” or don’t do it at all. The guys walk in, and Brainiac Justin is all, “We walk in and we see punching bags and speed bags and then we see gorgeous Kaitlyn standing there, totally unexpected.” Totally unexpected?! Who did you THINK was going to be there, Einstein? You’re on a group date with KAITLYN. You know you’re on The Bachelorette, right? And that she’s it?

Laila Ali shows up (love her), and puts the guys through their paces on learning how to box.

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Then it’s announced that they’re going to have actual bouts with each other, and all of America was like, “NO WAAAAAAAAAY! You mean they weren’t just practicing boxing FOR FUN?! THIS SHOW IS SO UNPREDICTABLE!”

Tanner’s nervous about the fight, because if his face gets messed up, Kaitlyn will probably send him home (true). Jared points out that Kaitlyn will be watching the fights, so he can’t look like a (bleep)”. HAHAHAHA, TOO LATE FOR THAT, “LOVEMAN.” Daniel the Fashion Designer decides to give us a lot of really nonsensical commentary (“Are his boxing gloves filled with teacups?” WTF ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT).

I don’t really pay a lot of attention to the bouts because I tune into The Bachelorette for hot tube makeouts and romantic non-reality, not for bloody brutality #rhymes.

I did enjoy this part of it, however:

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I also pay attention when Jared the “LoveMan” goes up against Ben Z. (who is, like, 100 pounds bigger than Jared. Hello, ever heard of fight classes, Bachelorette? Even I know what those are!) and basically gets murdered. Kaitlyn is all, “I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”

YOU PLANNED A DATE AROUND THE GUYS LITERALLY BEATING EACH OTHER UP FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT, and you didn’t want anyone to get hurt? Okay.

Jared ends up concussed and at the hospital, which, admittedly, no one is that sad about because dudes, that guy is weird-looking TO THE MAX, and his facial hair seems to make a lot of people in my Twitter feed physically angry. Ben Z. wins everything (including my heart. And my loins.)

Kaitlyn and the boys gather for their group date of evening cocktails and conversation (sidetone: Kaitlyn is killing it with her outfits on this episode). Her and Ben Z go off to talk, and they find out that they both love cooking! Ben loves food and Tailgates and BBQ’S, and OMG OMG Kaitlyn does too!

You know who else really loved cooking? Ben Z.’s MOM!

That is, UNTIL SHE DIED.

So that happened, and Kaitlyn spends some time with some other guys, until a note is delivered right in the middle of her time with Daniel The Fashion Designer. “Come outside, I need to see you right now” the note says. We all think it’s going to be Nick Viall who shows up, but NOPE! Just Jared, hanging out on the sidewalk in a red t-shirt, shiny yellow athletic shorts, and black converse sneakers.

Kaitlyn and Jared talk about that one time he got concussed while on a boxing date that she planned, and then he kisses her.

It’s like…on one hand, you gotta give him props for being assertive, but on the other hand…the dude is deeply, deeply unattractive, so, you know…not fun to watch.

After the make-out, Kaitlyn leave Jared outside and goes back in, and gives Ben Z gets the first date rose for telling her about his dead mom. The End.

Conceptual Underwater Photographer Is An Actual Thing, You Guys.

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Clint, the guy who drew that amazing portrait of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops, gets the one-on-one date with Kaitlyn. They drive down the highway in a vintage convertible and arrive at some mansion in Malibu to find out that they’re going to have an underwater photo shoot. At first I’m like, “Whoa, great idea to get your date half-nekkid”, but then they come out in evening wear, which seems to defeat the whole purpose, yeah? We also get a return of Tantric Sex Lady in the form of the “Conceptual Underwater Photographer”, who takes Kaitlyn and Clint through a bunch of breathing exercises and keeps telling them that if her subjects aren’t “connecting” the photographs don’t turn out well. Even though, you know…as a photographer, it’s kind of her job to make sure the photographs turn out well, but. Whatever.

So they go into the water, do some stuff while the lady takes pictures, and then they kiss underwater.

Meanwhile, back at the MANsion, Tony has some major problems with a date where you have to literally fight for Kaitlyn’s attention. Did’ya get that? The guy who showed up with a black eye the first night of the season has a problem with fighting. “It should never start at that point. It should never get to that point.” By the way, did you guys know that he’s here for love? For mutual respect and understanding? You should show some mutual respect and understanding by burning that American Flag puffy vest, son.

Clint and Kaitlyn have dinner, then stand by a rooftop railing and talk about the difference between “pool Clint” and “rooftop Cint”.

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I also have to try SO HARD not to make a Pool Clit/Rooftop Clit joke.

Kaitlyn tells Clint that she knew she could bring out his funny side, but she was surprised by how he could bring out her romantic side. Clint grunts in agreement. Kaitlyn gives him the date rose. They kiss. The End.

Knock Knock! Who’s There? YOU’RE DUMB

Look at Tony. What a douchebag.

Look at Tony, you guys. #douchebag

The next group date card arrives, and Tony’s on it. “Surprise, surprise,” he tells us. “She noticed me after all.” You’re right – she noticed you so hard that you made it onto the group date card by default! Then he goes and talks to one of the guys about, you guessed it, that he’s so here for love, he’s so here for Britt.

Ah, pause that?

What name did you say?

Oh, yes, you’re so here for a girl you can’t even remember the name of! Cool. Hope it all works out for you.

As an aside, Tony actually reminds me of a guy I once dated who had such a grandiose sense of self that he automatically assumed that everything was about him…if I wrote a blog post that had absolutely nothing to do with guys or dating, he would still assume that I was trying to send him secret messages that he was all I was thinking about (by, you know, pretending that I was thinking about something else). He was also kind of trippy and weird and out there, and had this sort of faux-chill personality thing going on that really just masked a turn-on-a-dime slightly-scary aggressive side.

So it’s going to be fun to see if Tony is the exact same way.

‘Cause I’m pretty sure he is.

ANYWAY! AMY SCHUMER SHOWS UP! The group date is going to revolve around the guys doing stand-up comedy at a show that Amy will be emceeing. But first, Amy and Kaitlyn sit down to chat about her being the Bachelorette. Amy tells Kaitlyn that she’s her favorite, that she really hopes she finds true love on the show, and then asks if it would be okay if Amy, you know, maybe hooked up with one or two of the guys…?

Goddamn it, I love Amy so much.

The guys walk in, JJ does a “We’re not worthy!’ joke (omg, get that guy OUTTA THERE), and then Amy introduces Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein, and Bridget Everett, who are also there to help. I instantly get kind of mad because those lucky fucks have no idea how lucky they are to be surrounded by so many great female comedians. The guys sit down to work on their routine, and it’s really funny how the guys who don’t think they’re funny and think they’re totally going to bomb are actually the funniest of the bunch (like Cupcake Car Chris, who is THE CUTEST).

True to nature, the ones who have “always wanted to do this” are the worst of the bunch.

Like…JJ.

JJ is the kind of ugly cocky guy who has absolutely no basis to be cocky.

Amy sits down with him to talk about his routine, and he “confesses” that sometimes he thinks he’s, like, too smart for 90% of the audience. Amy responds with this face:

and then says, “Well, let me make you feel better, then, because you’re not.”

They talk more about his (awful) jokes, and after Amy has finally had enough, she leaves his booth, telling him, “I hope it makes you feel better to know that you’re not smarter than anyone else here.”

It’s gratifying, to know that Amy Schumer hates him as much as we all do.

Meanwhile, Tony’s been preparing for this his whole life! When it’s his turn to do his routine, he gets up there and goes into what is basically a motivational speech about really loving life. He’s also glad and grateful to have this opportunity to explore the lighter side of himself. TELL SOME JOKES, DUDE. The girls in the audience literally start laughing at him, gesturing at him to wrap it up, and he’s so clueless that it just flies right over his head.

It’s interesting, that we later see two of the worst guys having a love affair with each other later in the date. JJ and Tony are talking once again about why Tony’s there. God, this guy just looooooves to hear himself talk…he goes on and on about how, when it comes to Kaitlyn, “I’m not here for her…I’m here for US.” “You’re like an enigma wrapped in a riddle,” JJ tells him. “Exactly,” Tony replies. “Exactly.”

During his one-on-one time, Tony tells Kaitlyn that he had a connection with Britt, but luckily, (for who? For Kaitlyn?!) Katilyn showed Tony that she has what it takes to open himself up to her.

She’s likes a combination lock, he tells both her and us…once you figure out that combination, the door opens, and there is gold inside.

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“What we could create togther is beyond our imagination.” BARF TIMES A MILLION TO INFINITY

JJ tells Kaitlyn all about his three year old daughter, even managing to tear up a little while talking about her going off to school (even though she’s, like, three years old). Kaitlyn does the thing where she says stuff to JJ about how he’s so great, and we all inwardly groan because this is going to be another one of those things where everyone but her can see what a total douche this guy is.

Kentucky guy (I forgot his name) takes Kaitlyn outside and lays one on her. “Well I’ll be,” he says, after they kiss, and she cracks up, telling him that she thought that was something they only said in movies. “I say it all the time,” he replies. I’m starting to really like the guy, but I just cannot get over how big his forehead is in proportion to the rest of his face.

Thanks to pulling out the kid card, JJ gets the date rose. He can’t wait to see everyone suffer tomorrow night at the cocktail party, while he’s just sitting back, enjoying himself. This guy.

COCKTAIL party

Screen Shot 2015-05-26 at 12.27.18 PM Kaitlyn shows up for the COCKtail party in a MAJOR dress. Seriously, girl looks hot. She gathers the guys around, thanks them for a great week, and tells them that she really feels like her husband is in that room (HAHAHAHA). The minute she’s done with her speech, JJ immediately steals her away. The guys can’t figure out if that was a “power move” or a dick move. “I thought we were going to let the dateless have time with her first?” one of the guys ask. “Oh, we were,” another guy replies. “He apparently wasn’t, apparently.”

JJ basically says a bunch of stuff about how, just because he got a date rose and is therefore safe, that doesn’t mean he’s going to “ease up off the throttle”. Charming. He tell her that she said she thought her husband was here. “Your husband wouldn’t be sitting back.” She falls for it, hook line and sinker. He returns to the guys and tells them that while he knows he’s the most hated man in the house, he’s not sorry. “She said she thinks her husbands here, right? I just had to kind of remind her of what husband material is.” He tells us that he feels “smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside confidence.” So basically, he’s a douchebag turducken.

Also, I don’t know if you guys know this, but he’s not here to make friends.

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Tony, for his part, is like, so not chill with what JJ did. Like, he’s the kind of dude that is just not chill with that kind of neg tude. In fact, Tony thinks that what JJ did was so rude, that Tony’s starting to get a major neg tude about that dude!

Kupah starts to worry that he’s just a minority on a quota list (cause, like, he’s black). He goes off in search of Kaitlyn, and sits down to talk to her about whether or not she’s caught his attention or not.

This is never a good tactic. NEVER A GOOD TACTIC. Every time someone on this show tries to get extra affirmation from the Bachelor or Bachelorette that they really like them, it almost always blows up in their face. Kaitlyn tells Kupah that he was basically the only guy on the boxing date who didn’t even come and talk to her, and it basically gives us all whiplash, to watch him try to speed climb out of the grave he just dug. But Kupah is not a man who knows when to moonwalk his way outta there, and he just keeps digging and digging…saying all the wrong things, trying to get her to like him again, etc.

Kaitlyn basically tells him that she felt a connection with him the first night, but right now, in this conversation, she doesn’t feel it anymore.

OH SNAP.

She tells Kupah she needs to take a moment to think about their conversation, and Kupah makes the brilliant decision to go back to the guys and basically tell them everything that was said between them, which Kaitlyn overhears. Kaitlyn comes stalking up to him in her major dress. “You don’t have a quiet voice, I’ll tell you that,” she says, then pulls him away from the group. “I’m sorry,” she tells him, “I’m going to have to let you go.” The look on Kupah’s face is the look of a man who gambled and lost before he even knew he had his chips on the table. “But I think you’re hot!” he protests, in an ill-advised effort to save the day. “And you like movie lines! And I like movie lines!”

OH MY GOD, KUPAH, JUST STAAAAAHP.

So she asks him to leave, and later, we see him standing outside, literally unloading on one of the producers. “JUST ASK ME THE QUESTIONS SO I CAN GET OUT OF HERE! C’MON MAN! YES, I’M UPSET ABOUT LEAVING, YES, I FEEL LIKE I SCREWED UP, SO JUST LET ME GO ALREADY! I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE, DUDE! ARGGGHHHHH!”

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Rule #1 of Bachelor Nation: You don’t disrespect Chris Harrison.

Rule #2 of Bachelor Nation: You don’t unload on Elan (a hilarious and beloved producer of the show).

Kaitlyn overhears his meltdown from inside her confessional room, and tells whoever is behind the camera that she’s going out there.

And that’s when the episode ends!

OMG SO MANY CLIFFHANGERS THIS SEASON ALREADY

Oh but wait? Whatever happened to Britt and Brady?! Do we care? Not really!

But just in case you do, during the credits we get to see Britt and Brady frolicking around, and Britt tells us that they’ve spend every day together since he showed up at her hotel room. Brady, wearing another low scoop-necked t’shirt (seriously, that guy is so hipster that it’s painful) tells her that he’s all in – after one whole week! – and asks her to be his girl.

Because of course he does! You didn’t think Britt was going to go home a loser, did you? Silly you! Girls like Britt are NEVER losers. Even when they are.

(#TeamCarly)

See you guys again next week!

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For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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