The Bachelorette, Season 11, Episode 10: The Men Tell All!

Welcome to Episode 10, The Men Tell All edition of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn is Funny! 

Tikki Huts + Tikki Sluts! 
(I can call them that ’cause I’m talking about the guys, kay)

Our episode kicks off with Chris Harrison coming out to introduce some of the cast + a special preview of an upcoming season of  Bachelor In Paradise!

Sitting in the audience is Harrison’s special BIP “get”, Ashley S., who, true to form, looks like she has no idea how she even got there. The clip is as deliciously salacious as we’ve ever wanted it to be: Tenley’s getting it on! Ashley I. is crying! Clare is lying! Jared is beating the wimmins off with a stick! Jade’s making out! JJ’s caught in the middle of some dramz! Ashley S. is getting carted off in an ambulance (yawn)!

Also, Bachelor In Paradise will be on two times a week – Sunday and Monday – starting August 2, because apparently ABC doesn’t want me to have a life.

And then Jill Biden wins everything with this tweet. Seriously, SHE FREAKING WON THE NIGHT WITH THIS.

Also, if you’re not following her on Twitter yet, you need to look at your choices + look at your life.

HE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE

093e7b773ad0741fff1aac23819b03df43f4a8ae

Then we kick things off with a compilation of the MOST DRAMATIC (read: douchiest) men moments of the season, namely Ian’s “I don’t think you’re charming, we’re not friends, you’re down here, I’m up here” speech to Kaitlyn before he bounced outta the Man House. The clip literally isn’t even fully over before Tanner jumps on the chance to once again be the Bachelor Greek Chorus and launches into a super long, “You didn’t even give us a chance, you didn’t even give Kaitlyn a chance, you didn’t even give THIS JOURNEY A CHANCE!”

My favorite was this, in which he summed up basically all of my relationships in one sentence:

“I’m gonna be friends with these guys for the rest of my life,” Tanner continues, “and we call each other all the time and go for garden walks together and write funny jokes on each other’s Facebook walls and sometimes we even SnapChat inside jokes like, “Haha SUMO CHOP!” and maybe, I don’t know, we call each other late at night when we just need to hear the sound of someone else’s voice and know that we exist in the world and that this all isn’t just some crazy Labyrinth-type fantasy concocted out of our own imagination where we exist in a parallel universe where nothing is really real and maybe none of this matters and we’re all just fooling ourselves by caring about love and emotion and depth and we should just give up now and have sex with that one dude like we wanted to because maybe hedonistic pleasure is all there is and we’re gonna get to the end and be all “WHY DID I EVEN TAKE THAT STUFF SO SERIOUSLY I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID SO MANY TIMES OH MY GOD WHAT WAS I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE” but then you hear that quiet, kinda-sleepy voice of a human at 2 a.m. and you’re like, “I’m a soul…and they’re a soul…and we’re all just souls, trying to come to a higher awareness on this plane” but YOU’RE NEVER GONNA HAVE THAT, IAN, BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE US A CHANCE.”

And then he finally lands a zinger:

And Ian’s all, “yeah, yeah, okay, that’s probably pretty true.”

But then Tanner just keeps going. “I don’t want to hear an apology to us, but you probably need to apologize to Kaitlyn, and Chris Harrison, I know this is your show, but I really feel like at this point I’ve done a really good job of speaking for everyone and speaking way too long for someone who got kicked off when I did and for grandstanding on a forum that totally isn’t even mine to speak to so you know let me just say some more words that I’ve already said and throw in a butt-hurt in there and keep talking and then maybe I’ll repeat myself again and act like I’m in an even remote position to tell anyone on this show how they should have acted and what they should do about it.” *buttons sportscoat*

And THEN, some guy named Corey jumps in and says that he agrees that Ian was out of line for calling the guys lame:

But then he goes on to say that, while Ian’s delivery could have used some work, he has to defend him for what Ian said about Kaitlyn’s personality and her actions on the show. The crowd boos, and America’s all, “Who DAT bitch?!”

Then, because Ben H. is innocent and pure of heart, he calls out Corey on disparaging the Fair Lady Kaitlyn:

“Like, are you even nice?” Ben H. asks.

Corey, though, won’t back down, and states that a lot of Kaitlyn’s decisions were “in bad taste…and disgraceful, relative to what we were here to do.” Ian raises his hand LIKE THEY DO AT PRINCETON, but everyone ignores him, until Chris Harrison is all, “What, Ian. WTF WHAT.”

Ian then takes the floor and assumes the producer position: “You know, I heard you say that Kaitlyn was here – “

“And I would really like the opportunity to say some things to Kaitlyn, so I don’t know if we’re able to bring her out right now, but…”

This fucking guy.

SO THEN, Ian literally stands up, takes off his jacket, and walks down to address the guys, and even Chris Harrison is like, “What are you doing?”

And then.

AND THEN.

He gets down on one knee.

He literally does the thing where he gets down on his knee and gives the guys all some bullshit about how sorry he is for his actions and one guy calls out “Are you proposing right now?” which is HILARIOUS but not to IAN who is REALLY SERIOUS YOU GUYS he REALLY means this apology…I mean HIS MOM is watching this and he once DEFIED DEATH so the least you can do is NOT want to break out into Boyz II Men’s “On Bended Knee” and then sigh wistfully as you remember that one time when you had a crush on a varsity basketball player but you hadn’t yet discovered running + lost all your puberty chub yet so even though you were a cheerleader and were, like, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE AT EVERY SINGLE GAME he didn’t even know you were alive but that didn’t stop you from simply pretending that every time he walked by you in the hallway and didn’t even acknowledge that you were a human being that you guys were really in love but were in a mad-dramatic-intense-feels fight and so you would just play that song in your head like you were living your life in a music video or hilarious-but-angsty teen movie.

Anyway.

A Tale of Two Beards

We come back from commercial break and Chris Harrison wants to talk about Clint, which Corey apparently thought meant “Hey Corey, tells us what you thought about Clint” (even though…nobody even cares what you thought about anything, Corey). Corey calls Clint out on his arrogance. Clint takes a moment to declare that he is a straight man and he came onto The Bachelorette “to find, hopefully, true love and to fall in love with a woman.” Please don’t let this hurt you, Clint’s beard tells JJ’s newly grown facial hair. You know why I have to do this.
I know, JJ’s scruff communicates back. I know. Our twin beards are all the sign I need that we are together in our hearts.

Clint then goes on to say that he developed a close friendship with JJ – I hope you know how much it hurts me to water it down like that, JJ, his beard whispers to JJ.
It hurts, but I understand why you need to call it that, JJ’s beard whispers back.
“I wanted to spend time with the people I found interesting, so I’m sorry if I wasn’t everyone’s best friend,” he tells them. Cupcake Chris and some other guy are like, “not good enough” and JJ jumps in and is like, “You know, guys, whatever could be said about Clint, could also be said of me.”

Uh. Yeah. We know. It is being said of you.

the-bachelorette-men-tell-all-jj-clint-bromance

You don’t have to do this, Clint’s beard tells JJ. You don’t have to stick up for me like this. Not when I can’t do the same for you. 
I can’t let you take all the blame, JJ’s beard declares. You do what you need to do, and I’ll do the same.

JJ keeps speaking, and Harrison calls him on his copious use of air quotes.
“It’s because of the portrayal,” JJ claims.
“There was no portrayal. You were in the hot tub together for four hours,” Corey says, making his one and only intelligent point of the evening.
“Honestly, we talked in the hot tub because we were intellectually curious about each other.

“It went below surface-level,” JJ continues. “There was a lot of meat in that for me-“

Everybody laughs.

What are you doing, Clint’s beard warns.
I don’t know, JJ’s beard pleads. I’m sorry, but I’m just trying to think of the right words to say. I don’t they sound the way I plan them to be.
I know, Clint’s beard assures. And if you wait around awhile, I promise I’ll make you fall for me. I promise.
Promise?
JJ’s beard asks, hopefully.
I promise you, I will.

THEN, Kupah interrupts JJ by telling him, “I get it, it’s great, you’re pseudo-apologetic, whatever. I’m not interested in hearing about how deep your friendship went, ever again-“
“Right. We were just asked about it,” JJ retorts, in the one moment where we all love JJ.
“All I can think about is Nick!” Kapuh exclaims. “I think that’s my problem, that 25 men put their lives on hold…and then she got to bring this guy on who she obviously had a previous relationship with.”

Like…are you seriously doing this right now, Kupah? Are you trying to undermine Chris Harrison’s ah-thor-ah-taay by changing the subject of the conversation?! Just because YOU’RE tired of talking about something and want to talk about something else?

Harrison, generously deciding to spare Kupah’s life despite the gaffe, asks Kupah if he blames Kaitlyn for bringing Nick on, or if he blames Nick. Some other guy is like, “I blame Kaitlyn”, and Cupcake Chris jumps in, wondering what the alternative was…”Get to the end and wonder if she’s still thinking about Nick? I didn’t want that for me.” (meaning that if she didn’t bring Nick on, she would always have it in the back of her head of whether or not she should have tried it with him). JJ proclaims that she owed it to herself to flip every stone. But that’s not good enough for Kupah! “Were we watching the same show?!” he wonders.

Clint jumps in, and in another stunning moment of actual intelligence, points out that the backlash took everyone’s intentions away from Kaitlyn. He singled out Josh, citing him going to Kaitlyn and telling her that Nick wasn’t good for her, and asked him this: “Don’t you think that, by saying that someone else isn’t right for her, that you are valuing your opinions above hers? If you’re telling her that your intuition is that this other guy is bad, then you’re saying that you know better than her. And this show wasn’t “Josh Finds A Husband For Kaitlyn” or “Any Of Us Finds A Husband For Kaitlyn”…it’s about her. Deciding what’s right for her.

I mean.

Where was THAT when he was on the show?!

Good job, JJ’s beard tells Clint’s beard. You’re so smart and intelligent and well-spoken and thoughtful and hilarious and handsome and sexually attractive and I love you so, so much!

“I think she should have at least thought about leaving the show,” Kupah insists. “At least thought about it! I mean, if you like a person off the show, you should go date that person off the show, and spare the rest of us the agony.”

“She really just shouldn’t have said earlier in the season that she honestly saw her husband in that room,” Joshua adds. “She said it from the beginning, “I honestly see my husband in the room.” And then an outsider came in. I think if she wouldn’t have said that she would have spared a lot of us a lot of pain.”

“I do think that in the role she was offered and granted, I don’t think she did the best things with her role and the responsibilities that come with that role,” Kupah concluded.

Here’s the thing: I actually don’t think Kupah’s wrong in that last statement. I think Kaitlyn did what she needed to do for her, and I think Cupcake Chris is right in the fact that, knowing that she had feelings and was curious about Nick, it would have been worse for her to pick someone at the end while she was still wondering about him. But I don’t think some of her decisions were as sound and as carefully thought-out as maybe some of the other people who have been in her role, but I also think that she’s handled herself with much more grace and honesty than others who have also done the exact same things as her and have gotten half the flak for it. I just feel like she’s made a lot of bad judgement calls this season, which calls into question the seriousness of her intentions, and that’s kind of a shame considering that this is really a big deal for a number of people, specifically those 25 men.

But also: Fuck Kupah.

JJ, Ben Z., Jared, and Ben H. 

This is the part of the show where they show us a lot of filler about one man’s interaction with the Bachelorette and then Chris asks them a couple of softball questions like “What happened between you two?” and it’s mostly really boring because we’ve already watched all of this already but sometimes it can give us new insight, or, at the very least, an extra 20 minutes where we get to stare at Ben Z.

Chris calls up JJ, and we watch the clip of his confrontation with Clint. We see the tears, and the slap again, and some of the guys start laughing, while I’m all, “um, this is still really disturbing to me.” JJ tries to play it off by saying that “someone needed to slap me in the face, and none of you guys were going to do it.”

Oof. Ooookay.

Then they talk a bunch about stuff we’ve already talked about, ending in the announcement that JJ is going to be on BIP, which we already know because we’ve been watching this show the whole time and JJ was all over the preview that you showed us already, Chris.

But pry open those weary eyes, because here comes Ben Z.! I think I’ve maybe called 3 men a “hunk” in my entire life, but Ben Z. is a HUNK. I don’t even know what they talked about, because I was too busy staring into those hunky, hunky eyes.

Then it’s Jared’s turn! We are, sadly, reminded that he started out this show as LOVE MAN (oof), but hooray! He has shaved that patchy beard for #MTA and he actually looks pretty cute.

Jared admits that he’s not over Kaitlyn and that he sits in his room, alone in the dark, with his knees pulled up to his chest, listening to “Linger” by The Cranberries while tears roll down his cheeks and he thinks of all the things that could have been if you could return – don’t let it burn! – and, sure, he liked you, but it’s just your attitude: It’s tearing him apart! It’s ruining every daaaaaay!

hqdefault

Anyway. Harrison calls him out on shaving the patchy beard and then everyone cheers and then Harrison announces that Jared is going to be on Bachelor In Paradise EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW ALREADY, CHRIS, WE’VE BEEN WATCHING THE SHOW LITERALLY THIS ENTIRE TIME.

Then it’s Ben H.! What went wrong? Probably his propensity to stick to missionary, even though nobody wants to talk about that except me. The ladies go wild, they talk about him being in love with Kaitlyn, it’s boring, The End.

It’s Kaitlyn! 

bachelorette-01-800

Chris introduces Kaitlyn by announcing that this is the part of the show that we usually talk about the guys, but he wants to talk about the fact that this show continually pushes the boundaries (really? It does?), and that Kaitlyn’s season has caused a lot of controversy. Basically: Bitches be bitchin’, and Kaitlyn and Harrison aren’t taking that shit. Kaitlyn drops the “the people this really hurts is my family” even though…if people are trying to hurt you, telling them that your mom is upset about stuff isn’t going to make them be all, “Oh…really? Oh wow. I just wanted to hurt you…I ain’t got no beef with your moms! Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Yo sorry Mrs. Bristowe!” Then she announces that she gets death threats, which is WACK, America. Chris reads three absolutely vile tweets that Kaitlyn has received, and I *almost* tweet about wondering whether or not one of them was from @PrincessProbz, but I didn’t, because I’m classy, so I’m just writing about it here. The tweets are DISGUSTING, and call into play a larger conversation about sexism and double-standards and how America still views women as lesser beings who are not allowed to own their own sexuality and are still beholden to society when it comes to what they decide to do with their own bodies.

It’s fucked up, America. And just like none of us ever in a million years thought that Keeping Up With The Kardashians would have any social merit whatsoever – much less be responsible for ushering in a major movement of awareness, acceptance, and education when it comes to the transgender community –  it’s hard to believe but is totally today’s reality that The Bachelorette is now at the fray of ushering in a legit national conversation about how we perceive women and their right to own their sexuality.

The Men Tell All To Kaitlyn

Jared gets to chat with Kaitlyn about what went wrong. Basically, Kaitlyn tells him that she fully planned on meeting his family, but then the game got switched and she was like, “Buuuuuut I didn’t really want to have sex with you first even though you’re super sweet and funny and gave me your coat like a gentleman and we all love you. Sorry bout it! ” Ben H. asks Kaitlyn something about why she told Shawn about doing Nick but didn’t tell him, and she was like, “all the relationships are different, sorry bout it, you’re cute, byyyeee.” Then Chris Harrison starts in with, “So Nick. He was a very controversial figure” and my favorite moment of the WHOLE SHOW comes when Kaitlyn immediately looks unhappy and just goes, “riiiiiiight” in reply to that statement. Harrison continues with a total softball of “So Kaitlyn…what was the “relationship” with Nick before the show?” to which she basically answers “I don’t know, that’s a hard question, we had this friendship and then I put it away because I was potentially going to become the Bachelorette and then he used me by coming on the show because he’s a total slimeball who uses people for his own personal gain and I hate him now as much as you guys all did.”

Jonathon interjects and is like, “I think it’s just hard when we made a commitment to you, etc” and Kaitlyn comes back with, “But did you not vote for Britt?” Ummm. Which sort of seems like a deflection at first, but she basically supports it by stating that when you feel a connection with someone, you go for it – much like how he voted for Britt, she went for it with Nick.

Then Corey.

Fuckin’ Corey.

Corey DID vote for Kaitlyn, you guys. And he’s kind of pissed that they came onto this thing and she brought someone in at the middle.

JJ defends Kaitlyn, citing that it was obvious that she had a connection with Nick. Tanner agrees that there was a connection, but he felt miffed that she seemed to not really care about how they felt about her bringing Nick in. She’s like, “you don’t see a lot of the struggle, but I did care what you guys thought.” BUT THEN, she says, “You guys try and date this many guys all at the same time and not make a mistake and have it all televised, I dare you.”

I’m sorry. Was someone forcing you to do this? Was this a thing where you felt put upon to do this for the safety and well-being of America and all of its inhabitants? Was there some sort of ethical dilemma happening where you were, “I’m doing this for the good of the world even though I know it’s going to be really hard but I really hope people respect the struggle I’m about to deal with.” NO. You GOT to do this. You got this amazing privilege to do a show that is so popular that you don’t even have to star in one and your life is legit set for the next five to ten years; you beat out another girl for the opportunity to be the star; and you ALSO got the chance to try and find “love” while starring on this show. And you’re trying to make us feel sorry for you by being all, “It’s hard. It’s HAAARD”?! WHAT IS SO HARD. YOU GO ON ROMANTIC, WHIRLWIND, PAID-FOR-BY-ABC DATES WITH SUPER HOT AND AMAZING GUYS AND YOUR ONLY JOB IS TO PICK THE ONE YOU LIKE THE MOST WHILE ALSO NOT FUCKING OVER EVERYONE ELSE IN THE PROCESS.

Nope. You don’t get to shuck responsibility for the mistakes you made by trying to make us feel sorry for you, Kaitlyn, or get to get away with trying to put the guys in their place for having their pretty-valid complaints about the decisions you made. Nobody’s going to pity you for *having* to date “this many guys all at the same time” and “have it televised”. You fucking signed up for it. Own it. Own up to it.

Final Words

Ryan, rocking a man-shag, pulls out a rose and apologizes to Kaitlyn for messing up that first night. Kaitlyn asks Clint why he didn’t treat her the way he treated JJ. “I just want to know if you guys are complicated on Facebook or if you are official.” Then it’s time for Ian to come down, give her a goddamn note and and go back on bended knee to apologize to her. He wants to apologize for any backlash she received in deference to how he treated her on the show, but he received backlash, too, so he’s sorry.

Too late, Ian! You’re gross, we hate you, you’re never gonna be jello/The Bachelor.

Then we get to see a Blooper Reel, which is really only entertaining when Amy Schumer shows up. It’s HILAR.

I’m ignoring the part about the bird mask because that was dumb.

Then we get a preview for next week’s episode, which I also ignore because NOTHING IS GOING TO PLAY OUT THE WAY THEY TRY TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT’S GONNA PLAY OUT.

And we should all know that by now.

Bonus Interactions

This is absolutely hilarious to me:

She’s my least favorite Bachelorette (more so than even Des…which, to be fair, a lot of the reason why I didn’t like Des was *because* Ali liked her so much, but now Des seems really nice while Ali still seems like even more of a name-dropping Mean Girl biznatch). And I wasn’t even that mean to her – I called her out for tweeting this really gross “OMG I’m friends with SO MANY FAMOUS PEOPLE now!” thing last fall and that was my last interaction with her (and, in fact, I do believe that quote was my exact tweet to her). Sorry that I can’t read all of your horrible opinions and self-important musings now!

And THEN, THIS happened last night:

Screen Shot 2015-07-22 at 2.52.35 AM

She totally is now, you guys.

ALSO! I have a BIG, BIG announcement happening on the blog today: If you love these recaps + my writing, go check out the deets on my old/new book (you’ll get it when you read about it, promise) here. 

//

For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

And if you’ve liked this post, be like Corey and Tanner and keep sharing it until people are like, “YO. Stuff it for a minute.” 

If you like this post, please share it with your friends!Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Tumblr0Share on Facebook2Pin on Pinterest0Share on Google+1Share on Reddit0Email this to someone

About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *