Welcome to a brand new season of red rose dreams and white wine tears!
Our Bachelorette season kicked off with a two-night special event on Monday and Tuesday, because ABC would prefer it if you didn’t have a life. However, since I do (reading YA novels and researching other reality TV series constitutes as a life, right?), I decided to pack alla dis into one big yo-mama-so-ugly-people-break-into-her-house-just-to-pull-down-her-shades recap.
Let’s start out the season with a list of complaints: Unless you’ve been living under a rock or you’re that kind of person who willfully tunes out all current reality TV show news on the regular (and if you are, kindly take your things and go), then you already know that the last season of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer ended with a bombshell: Because the producers just could not agree on who they wanted as the next Bachelorette – Britt or Kaitlyn – they decided to just go with both.
Except that they didn’t – instead of the two girls sharing the spotlight for the entire season (which arguably would make for a really entertaining and interesting season) and forcing the guys to fight to be chosen by either (or both) girls in order to stay on, the power has been put back into men’s hands and one of the girls gets voted off by the guys before the first official rose ceremony.
(PS: The most excellent and hilarious @JenniferWeiner guest-tweeted for US Weekly the past two weeks. If you’re into The Twitter, you should follow her)
The ladies are nervous! Confused! Excited! And probably secretly pissed because this ISN'T HOW THE #BACHELORETTE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.
— Us Weekly (@usweekly) May 19, 2015
The resounding attitude last night on Twitter was that Bachelor Nation was still not happy with this decision. Almost no one besides Chris Harrison thought it was a good idea. Even though we actually saw the Two Lead thing happen on The Bachelor before with Byron Velvick (the professional fisherman), people straight up lost their shit about this happening on The Bachelorette, both when it was announced and during the premiere on Monday night. Arguably, the whole point of The Bachelorette is to flip the switch and give the (previously-dumped) woman the power to command her own destiny by having 25 hand-selected men vie for her heart and subsequent media-career-coattails. And this is a formula that has historically had way more success than The Bachelor: There are triple the amount of successful, still-going marriages that came out of The Bachelorette (Trista, Ashley, Des) vs. The Bachelor (Sean).
I, personally, was kind of leaning toward Britt…not because I liked her more than Kaitlyn (I so don’t) but because I think she would make way more interesting, entertaining TV. You can’t deny that the girl is stunning, and it’s kind of fun to watch her try to cover up her inner conceit with some Crest White humblebrag “I sponsor kids in Africa” charm.
I hate Britt because she doesn't get charged extra for guac. I hate her even more because she probably doesn't even eat it. #Bachleorette
— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) May 19, 2015
Kaitlyn won props from me for being in this video –
(The double screen hurts my eyes tho)
– and she’s obviously really pretty with a self-deprecating + crude sense of humor, which you would think would make me her biggest fan. But I’m just not. She actually used to be one of my least favorites on Chris’ season, but now, even though I like her, I just don’t like her enough.
But anyway. For another view on this that I respect, check out this blog post by one of my Bachelor Nation favorites, The Possessionista.
On to the season premiere(s)!
Britt and Kaitlyn are both very different people.
They say this a lot about each other. They are very different people.
(This is code for Move Bitch, Get Out Tha’ Way)
Britt comes off as fake-bubbly, and Kaitlyn purposefully contrasts this behavior with subtle eye-rolling and prominent duck lips. Basically, they both try to pretend that the other girl isn’t there, except when they’re forced to acknowledge that the other girl is there.
This should be fun.
The Boys of The Bachelorette
Historically, the intro videos of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette feature a telling combination of guys: One or two guys who are going home right away; a dark horse that no one expects will go far but does; one or two who are going to the very end; the most controversial guy; and Mr. Congeniality/potential future Mr. Bachelor.
First, we meet Jonathan, who is 33 yrs old, works in the automotive industry, and his version of fun is doing whatever he gets to do with his 5 yr old, Sky (translation: If you date this guy, you will never ever get to have your own say on what you and Jonathan will do when that kid is around). He likes Britt.
Joe is from Kentucky, which you could probably surmise just by looking at that scrunched up face underneath that miles-long real estate of a forehead. He likes Kaitlyn.
Josh, is an the Exotic Dancer/Lawyer who is earning that coin at the strip club. You know who Josh would choose to have lunch with if he could choose to have lunch with anyone in the universe? Himself, you guys.
This tells us everything we ever needed to know about Josh.
Josh doesn’t tell us who he likes. Mostly because he just likes himself.
Then we meet Brady, who’s a singer-songwriter from Nashville. His hero is Chris Martin from Coldplay. He’s always had melodies inside him, which marry together pain and joy! He sings for the camera, and I don’t like it. He likes Britt.
Joshua is an industrial welder who is from a small town and looks exactly like every guy you’ll ever date if you live North of 8. He likes Kaitlyn, and makes connections between how love is like welding, then holds up a metal rose. (goes to the end and/or is Mr. Congeniality)
Ian provides us the best moment in Bachelorette history:
— tvtagBachelor (@tvtagBachelor) May 19, 2015
He’s a Princeton man, former college track star, and once got hit by a car. He likes Kaitlyn, no ifs, ands, or but(t)s!
Jared is a restaurant manager from Rhode Island who’s a low (low, LOW) rent version of Josh Hartnick. He feels he’s still single because he’s the type of person who knows what he wants (even thought it miiiight be because everyone else knows what they want, too, and it’s not him?). And also, because he’s a superhero called LOVEMAN.
He likes Kaitlyn because she’s like wildfire. You know? She’s just hysterical! He could see himself go on a date with Kaitlyn and just laughing the entire time. Which is something all girls want to hear…that you can’t wait to go on a date with us so we can spend the whole time amusing you. It’s kind of like when we talk about how we can’t wait to go on a date with a rich guy so he can fly us to Paris for a romantic weekend and stuff.
Plant Kisser (a.k.a., Tony the Healer, who, incidentally, had one of the least-weird profiles)
Hellllooooooo Ben! Ben is a personal trainer. And HOT. And a former pro football player. And HOT. And he lost his mom, which is pretty sad. But also HOT.
The Limo Snail Trail
So the big excitement about the limo arrivals was keeping a tally of who went up to Kaitlyn first and who went up to Britt first. There are also a couple guys who only talked to one of the girls (um, RUDE), and a few who were not super subtle on who they were rooting for to make it. First, through the magic of editing, it looked like all the guys were going to Brit-Brit first, which caused Kaitlyn to slightly tear up in her ITM (In The Moment) interviews. But as we should all know by now, those Bachelor editors are better than the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race when it comes to producing a winning illusion, so this don’t mean nuthin’.
Also, after the next commercial break, all the guys started going to Kaitlyn first, so.
Like I said.
This photo –
JJ gave Kaitlyn a hockey puck and told her that he wanted to Puck her (heh); Josh did a strip tease right out of the limo, then made the girls run their hands down his abs, then showed off his new rose tattoo (barf);
and Tanner brought Britt a $1.36 package of tissues based on what he saw of her last season (again: RUDE). Kaitlyn asks her if that’s soap or tissues.
At one point, Kaitlyn decides dash from the Driveway of Dreams and into the house to say hi to all the guys and thank them for being there. Britt didn’t think that was entirely fair, and in a way, it did come off as sort of Mean Girlish. But on the other hand, Kaitlyn’s in it to win it, and if it’s not against the rules and it gives you an advantage…fuckin’ kill it, yo.
Tony comes along and says the exact same thing to both girls. “Hi, how are you. I’m Tony. Been waiting for this moment for a while. I believe in love. Real love. And I hope that…the universe provides.”
COCKtail Party Moments
To start off the party, Kaitlyn makes a knock-knock joke (it’s lame, I’m not repeating it), while Britt opens up about who she’s looking for (hint: it involves a best friend and an adventure partner). This is because they are different people, which is what makes them different, which also means that they’re looking for different things, because, you know, they’re different.
The girls have some time to hang out with the guys, but then Chris announces that the voting is open.
Britt's all "I'll put soda in the water fountains" and Kaitlyn's like "oh yeah, well I'll make every day taco tuesday." #bachelorette
— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) May 19, 2015
Clint drew and brought this portrait:
Which makes me wish there was a rose box just for him.
“Britt is like your trophy wife, and Kaitlyn’s like, your wife, your natural wife.” – Jonathan
“We’re just different people, and I think that’s what makes us different.” – Britt
“Britt’s box was pulsating.” – Tony
“I have to prove myself as wife material so they put a rose in my box” – Britt
SO MANY ROSES IN BOXES JOKES!
Ryan M. got druuuuunk (also, gossip: This guy is also Nikki Ferrell’s ex).
First, he was shouting things like “Is this the gay Bachelor?” and drinking Fireball on the rocks. Then he got into a verbal altercation (see, I can write good and use them big words) with Shawn E., the amateur sex coach, about what he said about his Shawn’s hot tub car when he pulled up (basically, Ryan yelled, “That car sucks”, instead of what he should have yelled, which was, “WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AMATEUR SEX COACH AND A PRO SEX COACH, BRO?” Because, like…is there a certain required amount of hours of observational field work, like in behavioral therapy? Hands-on tutorials you need to pass? Case studies or group experiments? THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW.) At one point he asked Britt to talk to him outside, even though JJ thought that was a “gross mismanagement of her time” (pause for a second to just let that weird control-freak statement sink in). Then he hit Kaitlyn on the ass, which was like, LINE CROSS WHOA. THEN he stripped down into his speedo, got into the pool/hot tub…and then stumbled on the pool steps, fell onto his side, yet kept every single drop of his beer still in the glass.
This guy is pro.
Then he goes into the voting room, where he almost knocks over a standing candle, hits the wall, knocks over Kaitlyn’s portrait, throws his rose at Britt’s photo, then strolls off.
And THEN, JJ asks him why he’s taking his shirt off, and Ryan responds with, “Why am I not raping you right now? That’s my whole thing.”
“Why am I not raping you right now?” Oh, gee, I don’t know. Bad time management skills? Already busy raping someone else? #bachelorette
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) May 19, 2015
But have no fear! Bouncer Paulie is here! “Ryan, Chris Harrison would like to speak to you, buddy.”
“Chris Hansen?” Ryan asks. HAHAHAHA.
Chris Harrison basically goes, “SEE YA BRO”, and Ryan’s like, “YO, ALRIGHT HOLMES” and then hops into the White Caravan of Shame.
Britt calls Tanner on his “here’s some kleenex, YA BABY!” gift during their alone time. He’s like, “Ahhh, depends on how you take it.” She’s like, “Little bit of a dick [move]”. The very next shot, we see Tanner tell the guys, “I like Kaitlyn. 100%. She’s more real to me.” HAHAHAHA, TANNER, YOU SUCK.
The Poor-Woman’s Version of Ryan Gosling, Shawn B., makes Kaitlyn feel the closest she’s ever felt to love at first sight.
Brady is SO SMITTEN with Britt. He played minor league baseball (The Cardinals), and Britt loves baseball games the way she loved Arlington. But there’s seriously a cute connection, even though the combination of their names, “Britt & Brady” immediately makes me envision hipster-rustic wedding invitations designed with gold-foil arrows (gross).
Then, Chris announces all the votes are in. He announces that he’s off to tally the votes and then announce who’s going to stay and who’s going to home. Britt talks about how she’ll be devastated if she has to go home, and Kaitlyn tells us that she’s sick to her stomach.
Then the show ends!
When Two Become One
And then it’s Tuesday night, and the show begins again!
The new Bachelorette isn’t Britt. (sidenote: Chris Harrison does not look like he feels bad for Britt at all)
It’s Kaitlyn. It’s the best moment of her life, you guys. Which pretty much just means that she’s never had anyone go and get her Chipotle without her having to ask them to, which makes me feel sad for her.
Britt sobs in the limo (Tanner’s like, “Guess those tissues are coming in handy now, huh?”) while Kaitlyn gets to know the guys some more. Sean B. gets the First Impression Rose, which nobody saw coming (not).
Kaitlyn Pops Her Rose Cherry
Coming up, the first Rose Ceremony ft. Pitbull. #Bachelorette
— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) May 19, 2015
Sean B gets the First Impression Rose. Guys get roses, but then Brady is like, “Yo, girl, you ain’t the one for me. I’m into that round-a-way girl, so I’s gotta bounce.” He’s got a hard-on for Britt, ya see, so he’s off to white-horse that girl and bring her back to his castle in Nashville. Chris Harrison is all, “Yo, if you are intent on embarking upon this noble mission, I will be thy trusty steed and journey you to your fair maiden.” And Brady’s like, “The harmony of you and me is creating another melody in my heart, homie!”
Love, you guys.
There’s THIS. (Go and watch that shit RIGHT FREAKING NOW)
Amy Schumer! Hot make-outs! Heated confrontations! Nick Viall!
TEARS. ILLICIT SEX. ANGER. SOMEBODY STORMS OUT. MORE TEARS. OH. MY. GOD. #TheBachelorette
— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) May 20, 2015
Is gonna be GOOOOOOOOOD!