The Bachelorette Season 11 Ep 7: Whoa-oh Here She Comes, Watch Out Boys She’ll Chew You Up

Welcome to Episode 7 of The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn Is Funny! For added pleasure, I’ve taken inspiration from Hall & Oates song lyrics as the titles to each part of the show.

Have fun getting these out of your head later!

Shawn Will Do Anything That Kaitlyn Wants Him To / Well Almost Anything That She Wants Him To/ But Shawn Can’t Go For That / Noo-ooo / Her Kissing Other Dudes

062915-kaitlynshawn1

This week, our episode kicks off with Shawn showing up at Kaitlyn’s room after a rough time of watching her give Jared “The Love Man” the rose during their group date. Which, I mean…I think we all had a tough time with that, and we would all like some answers.

Kaitlyn invites Shawn to sit down on her suite couch in his hot black suit, and he tells her that he’s struggling. After the night they spent in San Antonio, where apparently they spent a whole night off-camera, talking about how Kaitlyn thinks Shawn is the one, he’s struggling with watching her go off with other guys. Kaitlyn reminds him that there’s nine guys still, and that she reassures him more than anyone.

“Are you in love with me?” Shawn asks, as romantically tragic music plays in the background (it’s kind of a hot moment). “You can’t put me on the spot like that,” Kaitlyn tells him, which is correct in more ways than one – if you know the show, then you know that the Bachelor/ette are practically contractually-obligated to not utter “I love you” until the Final Rose…the most they can say to an actual person is “I’m falling in love with you.” Which is exactly what she says next to Shawn.

Shawn tells her that it’s hard to fall in love with someone and then watch her go on dates, which yes…that would be hard, but hey! That’s the show you signed up for. “I’m having a very hard time,” Shawn tells her. “A very hard time, a very hard time. *kiss* I don’t know if I can do this.”

Sounds like a rap song!

Kaitlyn tells him that he just has to decide that he can do it. They kiss some more, and then she sends him off into the Hotel Hallway of Long Solitary Voice Overs About How Hard It Is To Be On A Reality Show.

Kaitlyn, for her part, tells us that she’s concerned that Shawn knows about her and Nick, and she feels guilty – not about having been intimate with Nick, but about being intimate with him when she’s in the middle of relationships with other people. She doesn’t want to hurt Shawn, she doesn’t want to hurt anybody. ANYBODAAAY!

There was this one summer when I was sort of seeing an older fella, Matthew The Elder, that I had had a crush on for a decade, and legit dating a super hot younger guy, Jordan The Young, at the same time. I was exclusive with neither, but one night, after a drunken make-out with Matthew The Elder, I woke up the next morning wracked with guilt. Besides the fact that the drunken make-out had been the WORST (like, how do you get to be 47 without anyone telling you that breasts are not cantaloupes and do not need to be squeezed for freshness, and that finger-punching a woman’s uterus is not, in fact, hot?), I suddenly realized that, even though we weren’t technically exclusive, if Jordan somehow found out that I had made out with another man, he would be really hurt…and making out with someone else was not worth the risk of losing this really great guy. Asking my pal Lacy to come over right away, I had the sort of mini-meltdown that Kaitlyn did when it came to Shawn finding out about Nick: Lots of crying about not wanting to hurt Jordan, lots of guilt over what I had done with Matt, lots of Lacy telling me to chill the fuck out already. So I get it. I still think having sex with Nick was a poor choice – mostly just because it was Nick – but the real issue here is: What does she owe the other guys? Truth? Transparency? Equal amounts of intimacy? It’s a shady lane to travel down. The fact that she realized that being that intimate with Nick could hurt the other guys is more than we’ve seen from other Bachelors (Ben, Juan Pablo) who’ve hit it without nary a concern for the other people there. So I guess what I’m trying to say is: Some 47-year-olds are great in bed, and others are not.

https://twitter.com/Tony_the_Healer/status/615673288350650368

Whoa-whoa-whoaaa / 2-On-One, Kaitlyn Wants To Play That Game Today

062915-2on1date

The next morning, Kaitlyn is hanging out on her Balcony of Tears…

1435622964000_us_abc_320

While Shawn is sitting out on the steps of the hotel garden, having some quality Shawn Time. Nick and Tanner are taking a Bro Stroll in the gardens. “Apparently Shawn said that I’m a master manipulator,” Nick practically brags to Tanner. “And he’s the only guy who hasn’t taken the time to try to get to know me.”
Oh, don’t worry Nick – sounds like he actually does know you.
“He calls you the other guy,” Tanner tells him.
“Really? That’s amazing.”
OMG, FUCK YOU NICK, FUCK YOU AND YOUR SMUG FACE SO HAAAAAARD.

Then Tanner tells Nick that Shawn was crying last night, which is the point where I decide to pray to the gods for Tanner’s destruction.

Kaitlyn, however, has decided to do her best to put aside her feelings from last night and concentrate on her date today with JJ and Joe.

She tells us that JJ is attractive, edgy, and funny…wait. What? J.J? The J.J. on this show?

Joe, for his part, is unlike any guy Kaitlyn’s had a connection with. She calls him “a real treat”.

Oof. I sincerely hope nobody ever calls me a “real treat” when referring to how they feel about me romantically.

The guys meet up with Kaitlyn for a boat ride out to an Irish isle, where they arrive to find a picnic magically set up on the side of a cliff. They cheers, it’s awkward, and then Joe takes her down to the beach and tells her that he’s falling in love with her.

JJ, instead, confides in Kaitlyn about his biggest regret in life, which was cheating on his wife three years ago.

I want you to think about that for a minute, in the context that he has a THREE-YEAR-OLD daughter.

Kaitlyn tells him that while cheating is her biggest fear when it comes to relationships, she admires his bravery in telling her about it, and that he’s obviously learned from his mistakes.

Whilst still on the Irish isle, she holds the rose and tells the guys that she’s here to find a husband, “and that takes time” (I mean…did I think, “Oh, it takes time? Then why did you sleep with Nick on the first date, again…?”? Yes. Did I judge her for her actions maybe not meeting up with her words? No, because I am an amazing person who gives everyone except Nick the benefit of the doubt), and she doesn’t feel like her and Joe have had that time yet, so she can’t give him the rose…yet. She sends J.J. home under the classic guise of “you have a kid, and I don’t want to waste the time that you could be spending with your kid” that every Bachelor/ette uses when they want to dump a single parent because it makes them sound awesome (also, reverse that and it becomes the excuse that every single parent uses to dump someone because it makes them sound like a great parent instead of just a shitty and selfish boy/girlfriend).

Kaitlyn then invites Joe to spend more time with her at some nondescript Irish Inn. They talk about how cute Joe is and how he lightened her spirits after an emotionally hard day.

And this is where I start to get annoyed with the whole “I’m so emotionally exhausted because this is so hard and I don’t want to hurt anyone” thing, because Kaitlyn?

You did all of this to yourself.

Shawn’s Outta Touch / Kaitlyn’s Outta Time! (TIME!) / Shawn’s Buggin’ Outta His Head When She’s Out With Other Guys

816809_1280x720

Meanwhile, Shawn is so upset about last night that he has apparently been sitting in the hotel garden all day, because it’s now nighttime and he’s still there, sitting on a park bench, processing though his angst.

He tells us that, while they were in San Antonio, he and Kaitlyn had some one on one time, and during that time, he asked her a question about whether he might be the one, and she replied with “you’re it.”

And what happens next, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why it’s a contract thing that you can’t tell someone you’re in love with them until the Final Rose: BECAUSE IT LEADS THEM THE FUCK ON AND MESSES WITH THEIR HEAD.

Joe comes back from his date and the guys want to know how it goes. Joe tells them it was great.

Shawn is like, ‘WHAT. WHY IS KAITLYN HAVING GREAT TIMES WITH EVERYONE ELSE. I AM THE ONE. SHE SAID IT, EVEN! I AM THE OOOOONNNNNEEE!” He gets up off the couch and decides to go see Kaitlyn in her hotel room again, telling us that going through all this is a nightmare.

He wants to talk Kaitlyn again because he apparently didn’t tell her everything he meant to tell her last night, and as he’s walking down the hallway, I’m way distracted by the way he’s walking…did anyone else notice this? Like, it looks like the way a girl walks when she’s dealing with some major chub-rub after walking around in a sundress all day in the summer heat…and the only male equivalent to that kind of walk is when a guy is packing some major pants-heat, ifyaknowwhatImsayin.

Anyway! Kaitlyn is tipped off that Shawn is making his way to her hotel room, and cries to us that she’s worried that he found out about Nick.

Instead, Shawn comes in, sits down on the couch –

and tells her that he’s in love with her and having her tell him that he’s the one makes it even more difficult. So THEN, she tells him that maybe it’s her fault for reassuring him so much. Uh…no? It’s your fault for telling him he was it when you still had nine or ten guys there. So they talk, and ultimately Kaitlyn tells him that if this is going to happen, if they’re going to spend the rest of their lives together, they have to go through this part of it, that there’s no other way around it. So he has to just focus on sticking it out and put it in the perspective of this is “weeks in to forever.” Then she tries to put the blame on him by telling him that when this stuff happens, it makes her question the two of them. She tells us that it worries her that he needs all this reassurance.

KAITLYN. This is YOUR fault. YOU ARE THE ONE who told him that he “was it.” If someone told me that and then I still saw them giving out roses to other girls, I’d be all, “WTF”, too.

This girl is buggin’ me this episode, guys.

You’re a Bach Girl / & You’ve Gone Too Far But You Know It Don’t Matter Anyway / You Can Rely On The Rose Ceremony / You Can Rely On The Rose Ceremony! 

Kaitlyn starts off the cocktail ceremony by telling us that she shouldn’t have told Shawn that he was it when she still has other guys that she needs to explore relationships with. And that she does regret what happened with Nick because it compromises the other relationships she’s having with the other guys. She walks into the COCKtail party, greets the men, and tells them that she’s had a really, really hard week. She’s emotional and confused and her emotions are all over the map, but her heart is still open, and that makes her hopeful that she’s going to find what she wants. Cupcake Chris tells us that her opening speech made everyone feel very unsettled. What about “I made a mistake and I’m really confused about everything and I’ve had a really hard week and it’s obviously one of your guys’ faults” could possibly make you unsettled?

Ben Z steals Kaitlyn away. God, he’s hot.

Being with Ben reminds Kaitlyn that she’s here with really great guys, and she feels like she’s given Shawn way more reassurance than she should have (stop blaming Shawn, ya betch!).

Ben H. takes her to the library, and delves deep into a convo about San Antonio – apparently he was in the room with Shawn when Kaitlyn snuck in to spend time with them. He left to change and take a shower, and when he came back the vibe was definitely different, and he tells her that ever since Shawn has been different.

He knows that something had been said that gave Shawn some type of validation, and for Ben, it was really hard to see her have a connection with someone while in the same room with them, and he didn’t need to know details, but he needed her to know that that experience really altered everything for him and he needs to know that he’s not just spinning his wheels. Kaitlyn breaks down into more tears of guilt and regret, and decides that it’s time for her to make things right with all the guys.

Then it’s time for Nick. He’s shitting his too-tight pants, thinking that, even though he has a rose, Kaitlyn has maybe changed her mind about him. WE COULD ONLY HOPE. She tells him that she wants to make sure that he’s not going to talk about their night with the other guys. He was all, “Omg, NEVER” and tells her that, even though the guys asked about the date, he didn’t say anything about it being intimate or romantic.

YES YOU FUCKING DID YOU LYING JERK. I BELIEVE YOUR EXACT WORDS WERE “IT WAS VERY ROMANTIC AND…INTIMATE.”

And then he goes off and cries about stuff, which is only satisfying to me because I envision that scene from South Park where Cartman literally licks the tears “of unfathomable sadness…mmm, yummy, you guys!”

Kaitlyn sits down with Shawn and they talk about how Shawn got too much into his own head and got a little crazy. She quietly tells him that she regrets sneaking into his room because she feels that admitting to him that she likes him so much put a strain on them, and she regrets reassuring him so much.

Then she finally admits that she’s to blame for making this so hard for him. But THEN, she’s like, “I think we should take a step back.”

Kaitlyn, you don’t deserve Shawn. You just don’t. You do not value him the way you should. You play with his heart, you play with his feelings, you blame him for believing you, and then you’re all, “Whoa, slow down!” You’re like the worst version of a guy player. A guy like this deserves better.

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 5.21.04 PM

So, basically, the COCKtail party was just one big “how much do you like me? Do you like, just like me, or do you really like me?” All the guys needed reassurance from Kaitlyn…except for one.

Which is why what happens next is such incredible bullshit.

The Rose Ceremony begins, and Chris Harrison finally shows up to do his job and talk to Kaitlyn about her week.

The rose ceremony is intense, and Shawn’s hot head almost explodes from nervousness.

4946967_the-rose-ceremony-of-tralee--the-bachelorette_ebc1e890_m

She keeps Cupcake Chris, Ben H, and Shawn (Jared, Joe, and Nick already have roses). SHE SENDS BEN Z HOME. Also Tanner, which is proof positive that prayer works, you guys.

BUT MAINLY BEN Z.

The one guy who did not press her for reassurance or try to make her feel guilty for anything, and he gets sent home.

WTF, Kaitlyn. I can’t even stand you right now.

You Make My Dreams Come True The Week Before (Supposed) Hometowns/ WOO-OOO / OOO-OO-OOO-OO-OOO/ WOOO-OOO!

DG bachelorette 3

It’s the week before Hometowns! All the guys are tossing their stuff into a coach bus that has “PADDY WAGON” *(because Ireland and St. Paddy’s Day, GEDDIT?!) emblazoned on the side when Kaitlyn rolls up in a Mini Cooper and invites Jared to ride with her on the road trip to their next Irish destination.

I have to say that I don’t really get what she sees in Jared – I feel like if he just shaved that GOD AWFUL facial hair, he’d be way more attractive – but I have to admit that I can’t really see any of the other guys being as fun on the road trip as him. They hit up the Blarney Castle and kiss the Blarney Stone –

Then roll up to the castle that Kaitlyn will be staying in. They have a glass of wine in her hotel room, then kiss goodbye, and I do have to say – they have legit chemistry. He makes her laugh and even though I don’t really find him that attractive, they *are* kind of cute together.

Meanwhile, even though the idea of the dudes road tripping together on a bus is practically made for a movie, the big shocker of the Man Bus is that Shawn actually talks to Nick (“I don’t even know how you can do this two times, I’m having a hard enough time as it is with just the one time”) and then later he falls asleep and snores loudly.

Relaxing in her hotel room, Kaitlyn says the famous last words “I can’t think of anything that could go wrong from this point on.” Right on cue, Chris Harrison arrives at her hotel room. Kaitlyn answers the door and is like:

while I’d be all, “Well, hello, sailor…”

Chris and Kaitlyn talk about the mess she’s made of things with spending “off-camera time” with Shawn, Ben H., and Nick. Chris Harrison actually acknowledges that she’s screwed up, but reassures her that it’s going to be okay, and here’s why: Instead of sending two guys home this week and spending next week with the remaining four in their hometowns, she’s going to send 3 guys home this week and take the remaining three on intimate, romantic overnight dates…where she’ll be able to level the playing field by spending off-camera time with all of them *before* families are met. So, Harrison tells her, if there’s any guys here whom she does not see herself with, it’s best to send them home this week.

1435628370000_us_abc_320

This actually makes a lot of logical sense, and Kaitlyn’s right when she says that this is how it usually happens in the real world anyway…you’re intimate with someone *before* you go home with them to meet their families, etc. Chris goes in to talk to the boys and announces the news to them, which throws them for a loop. He leaves a date card, and it’s for Cupcake Chris, whom we haven’t really seen much of yet…which tells us that the 3 dates Kaitlyn goes on this week are likely with the guys that she’s unsure about.

Cupcake Eyes/ Are Watching You / They Know You’re About To Dump Their Buuuutts / Cupcake Eyes / Are Watching You / Cupcake Eyessssss/ ARE WATCHIN’ YOU WATCHIN’ YOU!

DG Bachelorette 1

Cupcake Chris and Kaitlyn helicopter to another Irish cliff overlooking the sea. There’s a picnic, and you guys…it’s so, so awkward. They have barely sat down before you can tell that Kaitlyn is going to dump him, right then and there. And the worst part? You can kind of tell that he can tell that, too. And I feel for her, because this was every bad date in my late 20s…that sinking feeling in your gut that this just isn’t right, that he should be perfect for you but he isn’t, so you just have to tell him and get it over with. So she does. And then she leaves, to fly away on a helicopter made of tears and regret.

“It feels as bad as it looks,” Chris tells us. “She deserves a lifetime of happiness…and I’m not sure she’s ready to find that yet.”

Boy, you just said a mouthful there, mister.

The worst part, though, is that he totally just loses it. Like, completely throws any ounce of dignity over the edge of that Irish cliff and sits down and cries like a baby.

Sorry, cupcake.

1435629445000_us_abc_320

Next week! We see the remaining two dates before Kaitlyn picks who will sex it up with her on overnight dates…PLUS: We finally see the moment when Kaitlyn tells the guys that she boned Nick. It looks VERY DRAMATIC.

Maybe even THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER.

See you cuties next week!

//

For more episode highlights, you can follow me on Twitter + follow my Bachelor Master List. You can also tune into the Pizza Rainbow! podcast every Friday for tawk about that week’s episode. 

And if you’ve liked this post, let those Irish eyes smile on ya by using those share buttons below!

If you like this post, please share it with your friends!Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Tumblr0Share on Facebook0Pin on Pinterest0Share on Google+0Share on Reddit0Email this to someone

About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

2 comments on “The Bachelorette Season 11 Ep 7: Whoa-oh Here She Comes, Watch Out Boys She’ll Chew You Up

  1. I love you and this recap so much. You get me through late night feedings. Also I am 300% with you on Kaitlyn being totally shitty to Shawn this week.

    • I love YOU! That makes me stupidly happy, to know this provided entertainment for you during late night feedings of your gorgeous babes 😉 RIGHT?! So disappointed in her this episode. Team Shawn, all the way.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *