‘The Bachelor’ Season 20, Episode 3: Hard Balls, Fat Toes, & Two-Faced Triflin’ Hoes [SIC]

Welcome, Bachelor Babies, to week three of The Bachelor: Ben Is Sweet! 

And yes, I purposefully spelled the title of this recap wrong because I wanted to refer to a garden tool that won’t stop digging as opposed to a female prostitute, because I don’t like to refer to other women like that and so I’m fine with people thinking I’m an idiot for spelling it wrong rather than using it in a derogatory manner on purpose. 

And also, it rhymes with “Toes”, so.

This episode was a doozy, and since I’ve got other stuff to do in my life, we’re just gonna get right into it!

Let’s Go On A Date & Talk About Our Dads

Our episode kicks off by setting the stage for what’s to come: Just a bunches of girls just sittin’ around, talkin’ some shit about one another. This time, though, it’s Amanda and Lauren B, taling about Olivia and the fact that she spent $40,000 on clothes for the show (OMG. GURL.):

And that she’s probably a total mean girl inside but she’s hiding it for the cameras, which I agree with, so I’m okay with that characterization.

“I’m in a relationship with Ben and it’s a good relationship,” Olivia tells us. What relationship? You’ve known the guy for three weeks and during that time you’ve spent maybe an hour alone with him, TOPS. I, too, could also have a good relationship with anyone in America if I only had to spend one hour of quality time with them every two weeks. But now Olivia wants a WHOLE day with Ben. “I just wanna hold his hand,” she moans. “And kiss him. I wanna kiss him.”

Which, if she were any other girl other than the girl in the house I loathe the most, I would be all, “Omg, I so feel you because that’s how I feel, too, when I can’t be with my imaginary boyfriend because he’s off saving the world again, one blown-up alien space ship at a time. *sigh* …It’s just so hard, when you don’t get that quality time.” *sips tea*

Chris comes strolling in and notes the heaviness of the room. “Buck up, bitches!” He yells. “You’re on a REALITY SHOW, one of the most POPULAR SHOWS in AMERICA. Even if you don’t get time with Ben this week, you’re now set up to start the luxury travel or the gluten-free lifestyle blog of your fuckin’ DREAMS. So can it with the sad sap faces, and let’s see some spark in your eyes for the cameras, alright, LADIES?? You got two one-on-ones and one group dates, and you will react to your names on those date cards with the amount of unrealistic enthusiasm that your role on this show requires, or else our producers will edit you into goddamn public humiliation-induced oblivion.” He leans in and hisses, “Do I make myself clear?” Wide-eyed, the ladies all nod. Straightening up, he announces, “So with that, I will drop this bomb. You ladies have a great week, and I’ll see you at the next rose ceremony.” He eyes Amber meaningfully, then turns and walks out of the house.

It’s a one-on-one for Lauren!

Jubilee is not over the moon. This is not the happiest moment of her life.

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Caila tells us, in what is probably the most unintentionally hilariously accurate statement of the show, “What’s keeping me going are those little glimpses I get to see him…before he takes other women out on dates.”

The date card reads, “The Sky’s The Limit”, which is annoying because you know it’s going to be something about flying, and since Lauren B is a flight attendant, that’s, like, not original, and it makes me think that a producer should be fired and I should be hired in their stead.

Surprise! It’s a bi-plane, which is known for stunts.

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Lil’ known fact about me: When I was in middle school, it was my dream to be part of – no, wait, the head of – a bi-plane stunt team. We’d be sponsored by Pepsi and be in their commercials and basically dominate the cover of magazines and all of America with our amazing stunts and my stunning good looks. And one day we’d be putting on a stunt presentation at a Top Gun airfield where a Tom Cruise lookalike pilot renegade would catch sight of me and my daredevil attitude and would woo me by playing volleyball on the beach with his boys and then showing up late to my house dirty with sweat and sand and then ask me if he could take a shower.

So anyway, watching this date is like watching all of my childhood dreams play out on reality television in a way that is neither accurate, realistic, or in any way related other than that they’re in a bi-plane.

Even though Lauren’s a flight attendant, she’s still a little freaked out about flying in a bi-plane, and even though everyone in Live Twitter ragged on her about this, dudes – it’s a TINY, OPEN-AIR plane that’s doing STUNTS over the OCEAN. That’s like going on the most dangerous rollercoaster in the world and having people make fun of you for being scared because you run the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney Land (is that what that ride is called? I don’t know because I’ve only ever been to Disney World when I was 7 and not Disney Land and I’ll probably never go back to Disney World nor will I ever go to Disney Land because not only am I not married or own any children – all I have is this blog! HAHAHAHAHA *sobs* – that’s where an ex-boyfriend and his new wife had their honeymoon LOLOLOLOLOL and thus much like the Mall of America where they met as coworkers and started having coffee dates on Saturdays while I was still living with him it is now a place that does not actually exist unless of course I can somehow figure out a way to burn it down to the ground without getting caught just kidding I’m only talking about the MOA and not Disney anything and I really wouldn’t burn it down to the ground because my ex went to Disney World on his honeymoon so obviously I’m now and forever suuuuuuper fine with any life choices regarding our break up and his new marriage that happened literally not even two years after we broke up but somehow them going on their honeymoon at Disney World just makes all of that okay and that must be why it is such a magical place!).

But she soon calms down because Ben is there, and honestly, you guys…Ben and Lauren B are the straight-up cutest.

Ben just seems so natural and comfortable with her – like, flirty, but cute flirty instead of dumb flirty, and relaxed, but not bored – and they have a kinda awks kiss in the air –

Which turns into a cute kiss –

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Which is still kind of awks because of the poor guy flying the plane who has to see the whole thing because he’s sitting behind them –

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They fly over the mansion –

Make some jokes –

…Make the other girls jealous – “It really hit me then that, oh my gosh, that’s the most amazing date, like that could have been me,” Twin #2 says.

Even though, HAHAHAHA, it never could’ve been you.

…and bless us another one of Olivia’s mouth faces –

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And then they do some more tricks before landing in the middle of some, sprawling, barren land boasting one tree for miles (or as Californians call it, “Wilderness”). Ben has Lauren jump on his back, which is basically the fantasy of heavy-set girls everywhere –

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…and announces that it would be nice to relax in a hot tub.

A hot tub in the wilderness, he means.

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My favorite part of this is that, LITERALLY, right on CUE, the sexy sounds of a “saxamaphone” starts playing in the background.

Now, before we go any further, I have to get on quite possibly the dumbest soapbox I’ve ever been on and address the 50 live tweets along the lines of “Another hot tub?!?” I adore almost everyone who watches The Bachelor (with the exception of 2 main live tweeters that I just can’t deal with because they always tweet some straight up sexist BS), but seriously, you guys. Have some respect for the history of The Bachelor. THIS ENTIRE SHOW – THE WIDTH AND BERTH OF THE LAST TWENTY SEASONS – IS ABOUT WINE, TEARS, ROSES, AND HOT TUBS. I’ve been in this game since Season One, and you know what they did during every single date? THEY POURED SOME WINE OR CHAMPAGNE, AND THEN THEY GOT IN A HOT TUB. The only time they mixed it up was when they poured some wine and champagne and laid down together on some massive fur rug in front of a roaring fire. And that formula didn’t change until maybe Brad’s season, or maaaaaybe Jason Mesnick’s (though he cried so much that season that I’m pretty sure the producers were afraid all of the hot tubs would just overflow with his torrents of salty tears). So when you disrespect the show and everyone who has wasted their time and probably their lives by watching it for more than three episodes by tweeting about hot tubs being Kevin Hart’s idea + thing, I’m like…your live tweeting license is suspended until you go to Bachelor Management Class and educate yourself on both the theoretical and practical foundations of this show.

We good?

Good.

Anyway! There’s a hot tub in the wilderness and Ben and Lauren B. – looking amazing in a super cute but athletic bikini and her hair in a mess low-knot – are in it.

You guys. You GUYS. I can’t even handle how much I love Ben and Lauren B together in this moment. Their chemistry and comfort level with each other remind me SO MUCH of Sean and Catherine’s first one-on-one date – playful but flirty, happy and giggly, with just the right touch of romance + making out. And I’m so not the type to divide girls into “wife material” types of categories (mainly because I’m not your standard issue wife material and yet I still fully plan on roping some unsuspecting man meat into a legally binding contract with me at some point in my life, even if only so I can save on my taxes) but you just kind of look at Lauren and you automatically know that she would be the funnest wife and the sweetest, cutest mom in the universe. And I love the way Ben looks at her, and they kiss some more in the hot tub and it’s actually some really good kissing, and here, and now, in this magical hot tub in the wilderness, she is so my front-runner for Ben.

Like, if they got engaged, how could they ever break up? They’re both so sweet and cute and fun with each other…the only way would be ahead.

Some people don’t agree.

Which is fair.

Meanwhile, Caila is having a mental breakdown – as in, literally bawling her eyes out – as it suddenly dawns on her that she’s not the only one dating Ben.

If this is your first time tuning in, every season there’s one girl who apparently just got on the show without ever watching an entire episode and is then mystified and bewildered by the fact that there are other girls who are also going out on date and kissing The Bachelor.

That said, Caila actually does seem like a sweet girl and I do kind of feel bad for her because they’re, like, genuine “everything is horrible but you guys are great and I still love tacos and even though my whole life is falling apart that’s all that needs to matter right now” tears, even though her almost-fiance is most definitely snickering to himself somewhere in Boston.

Dinnertime! Lauren looks really pretty in a short white dress – get it, girl, with the subtle subconscious “this is how I would look on our wedding day if it were more of a casual barefoot beach thing instead of a formal church thing” messaging – and they go to some old mansion hotel restaurant thing that’s supposed to be romantic, even though you just take one look at that house and you know sure as shit that that place is haunted as fuck.

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Ben asks what Lauren wants/sees for her life, and she tells him that she just likes really simple things, and then tells a cute story about how her dad is obsessed with his lawn.

She also talks about wanting her kids to have the same life she had growing up, “because it was a really good life.”

Ben wonders out loud how a dude hasn’t snatched her up already, which is so great, because all girls want to be reminded that they’re too good to be single while they’re still single.

She laughs and tells him that she’s very picky, and basically tells us that she looks for her dad in every guy she meets, which normally I would totally blow apart, but I can’t make fun of her, you guys. I can’t bring myself to do it. I just like her. She’s sweet and unassuming and she loves her dorky dad and her fashion game is good.

Date card time!

Rachel, who we’ve barely seen and have literally not heard a single word from this entire season –

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Who dat?

…Tells us that she hasn’t been on a single date with Ben yet, so when the date card comes, “I’m squeezing my abs and holding my breath.”

That’s one way to do it.

It’s also probably the reason why she has amazing abs and mine are a soft, warm, comforting place for a man to lay his head and rest his cares on top of after a long hard day in the fields!

Anyway, everyone’s on the date card except JoJo, Becca, Jubilee and Caila.

The date card reads, “Love is the goal.”

Jubilee is disappointed that she’s not on the date card, and would be hopeful that it means she’s getting a one-on-one, but with being in the running with JoJo and Becca for it, it doesn’t look good.

Back on the date, Ben tells Lauren B about her dad having tripe bypass heart surgery, and how seeing his mom’s fear of losing her husband reminded him of the depth that that kind of love exists, and that’s what he’s looking for.

Lauren gives him the appropriate response to a sad story such as this (this will be important later), and then blurts out that she wants to meet his family.

Which is kind of a faux pas, but not really, you know? Because he’s talking about how awesome his family is, it’s only natural to be all, “cool, it’d be fun to meet them” vs. “Oh my GOD stop talking about your DUMB FAMILY ALREADY they sound like a bunch of jerks I hope I NEVER have to meet them, EVER!”

Y’know?

Plus, y’all know the below tweet is true.

So he gives her the rose and then it’s another slow dance in a barn to another song by another country singer-songwriter!

And here’s where I pinpoint how Ben’s chemistry is different than his chemistry with Olivia…like, with Lauren, Ben would want to make love to her, you know? Which probably makes you think that I’m a huge weirdo because I’m thinking that while they’re slow dancing to some country singer none of us have ever heard of, but the joke’s on you because that is literally all I think about whenever I see anything that’s serenaded by anybody. Like he’d be all slow and sweet and gentle and tender and special and some shit with Lauren, but with Olivia, even if he wanted it to be slow and special and magical and other bullshit like that, she’d still try to pull out all the Cosmo tricks on the first night to impress him and somehow win against every other woman he’s ever slept with. Lauren is the girl you could wind up unexpectedly in a third world country with and you would still have fun, whilst Olivia would pretend like she’d be soooo up for that type of adventure and would be such a fun travel buddy, but by day 3 she’d be bitching about just wanting “some real food” and how uncomfortable the hammock is to sleep in and how she can’t stand to take another bumpy bus ride, so you better pay for a taxi and a real hotel room tonight or else.

So yeah! I like Lauren.

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The End.

Big Balls & Hard Knocks

Literally have no idea who these girls are. Nor do I care.

Literally have no idea who these girls are. Nor do I care.

For the group date, the girls show up at some sports stadium and learn that they’re going to be divided up into two teams and play a soccer match for Ben’s Heart, a.k.a. they’ll get some actual time with him later that night, because Ben wants to see how they interact as a team and with each other and what kind of attitudes they bring to the table, which kind of has something to do with romantic relationships but not really.

Two girls from the Olympic soccer team show up to show them some moves and that’s pretty much the most detail you’re going to get from me on this thing because I fucking hate contact-sport competition dates where one team gets sent home if they lose because A) Even though I love soccer – #RCTID – I don’t want any sports ball in my reality TV shows that are supposed to be about ROMANCE and HELICOPTERS and HOT TUBS and FANTASY SUITES in TROPICAL LOCALES.

Ashley knows what I’m talkin’ about:

B) I get that it ups the competitive ante and produces tears at the end, but it always feels like torture to have to watch the girls learn a brand new sport and put their all into it and then not even get to have a real conversation with Ben. I mean…this show is degrading enough, but that just feels like such a low-blow to make them dance like monkeys and then dash their hopes like that.

The best Bachelor in history – Sean – refused to do it this way, and I think Ben should, too. Also, why did Kaitlyn’s season have so much originality when it came to group dates while this one basically has none? Who got lazy? Who needs to be fired and have me hired in their stead?

Anyway. The girls learn to block balls with their chest – or not –

Olivia gets hit in the mouth which is literally my favorite part of this whole date –

Midwestern Leah makes a joke about not being very good at handling balls and every live tweeter in the entire universe either quotes or posts a GIF of the “balls flying at my face” scene from Clueless; Olympic girl #1 or #2 laughs with Ben over the fact that none of them have any footwork skills –

Chris Harrison shows up to both remind everyone that he used to be a great soccer player and, oh yeah, announce the stakes –

…the girls do a bunch of tough mugging for the camera while they change into their uniforms which is always so cheesy and dumb; Rachel gets majorly hurt but stays in the game –

Olivia literally tries to take advantage of an injured girl and attempts to score on her –

Stars lose and are sent home.

The End.

Meanwhile, JoJo and Jubilee are back at the house, talking about how they would feel if they didn’t get a date with Ben. Jubilee gets emotional when she starts talking about how she’s noticing that Ben is more attracted to the sweet, simple, always-happy girls, and thats just not her. “I’m just so much more complicated than them, and I don’t think Ben is attracted to complicated.” And hold up here – while it would be totally easy for a view to misconstrue this statement as another Des’ “I’m really deep, I’m so much more deep than the other girls in the house, you know?” veiled brag, when you think about it, girlfriend ain’t wrong – she’s a goddamn war veteran. AND an orphan. She IS complicated: She’s had to deal with more stuff in her young life, in just her childhood, than most people will ever go through in their lives. It’s gotta be hard to be in a house full of girls who can easily always be happy and sweet and upbeat all the time because they literally haven’t had to experience half the things that Jubilee has. And it’s just kind of heartbreaking, to hear her crying about the fact that Ben seems to have a type, and she’s not it.

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I DON’T WANT TO SEE JUBILEE CRY ANYMORE SHE WAS A GODDAMN ORPHAN IN HAITI FOR GODSAKES SHE’S HAD TO CRY ENOUGH

“My Calves? My Cankles? My TOES??”, OR: Lessons In Imperfection By Olivia

The Stars team returns to the mansion, and Shushanna literally carries Rachel into the house all by herself. Rachel mentions that she needs crutches, and I can’t help but think…the one unemployed person in the house just got seriously injured on a group date.

Huh.

Good going, ABC, with your dumb contact sport competition dates. Hope she doesn’t find a great lawyer who can weasel around that no-fault waiver that you probably made her sign.

Meanwhile, on yet another hotel patio, Ben cheers to a “fun day for me, and also hopefully for you” and tells them he looks forward to some time with each of them that night.

Amber tells us that last week she didn’t get any time with Ben. Oh really? You mean all that time when you were sitting on the couch, watching other girls seek out Ben so they could have time with him, while you just sat there, moaning and complaining about not getting time with him? “So it’s literally my goal to steal time with him tonight,” she tells us, cheerfully. GREAT, AWESOME, COOL JOB, AMBER, LOOKS LIKE YOU FINALLY REALIZED WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING ON THESE DATES FOR OTHER TWO WEEKS THAT YOU’VE ALREADY BEEN HERE.

Ben starts to talk to the group, and Olivia – once again – interrupts him and asks if she can talk to him. Like, I respect her go-getter attitude – at least, I would respect it on anyone else that I actually liked – but the fact that she has to do it EVERY time is so annoying to me.

So off she goes with Ben, and the girls start dishing about how aggressive she is, but what I’m really interested in is the fact that Leah drinking a pint of beer instead of wine – or WATER, as Olivia likes to make us believe she’s only drinking – like a total cool girl’s cool girl –

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“I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip my water,” Olivia tells us, as her and Ben walk down a hotel hallway. “I wanna talk to Ben! I think it’s just as important to him as it is to me!”

UGH. Like, here’s the thing – even if I didn’t already hate Olivia, it’s like she starts out these things with an okay statement – yeah, sure, totally understandable that you’d rather be talking to your crush than not – but then you end it with this conceited, half-delusional statement that makes absolutely no one sympathize for you. If it IS just as important to Ben, then let HIM take you aside first, you know? Because it’s not really just about you wanting to spend all your time with Ben, Olivia – it’s about wanting to win, and wanting all the other girls to see that.

Which she then shows them by yelling down at them from a balcony, showing off the fact that her and Ben are in yet another hotel room.

She’s so that Prom Queen type who could give a shit about how that makes Ben feel or what kind of position that puts him in as long as it makes her look good + better than all the other girls around her.

And Ben looks SO uncomfortable, and finally tells her that they should go inside –

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Ben asks Olivia how she’s doing, and she uses it as an opportunity to humbly suggest that “people find me intimidating, I guess.”

Really? We’ve seen you without makeup, Olivia. You’re intimidating to no one.

But Olivia doesn’t care what people thinks! She’s wants her and Ben, at the very end, and so, YEAH, she’s gonna GO FOR IT.

Meanwhile, down on the hotel patio, the girls are gabbin’ away about Olivia, and Amber – cool, classy, incredibly interesting person that she is – blurts out that Olivia has fat toes. Lace has noticed that, too!

Haley, on the other hand, thinks that making fun of Olivia’s toes isn’t right. “But I think her boobs are fake. Like you can totally tell that they’re fake, AND her breath is horrible. I wonder if they’ve kissed, because I’m SURE he smells what I smell!”

Like, you can’t even write a better show. It just cannot be done.

And then Jami commits the worst girl’s girl crime in the world by telling Olivia what everyone said about her: “They were, like, talking about some of your, like, appearances.”

“Let me guess, my calves,” Olivia immediately blurts out.
“No,” Jami replies. OMG I LOVE GUESSING GAMES TOO LET ME PLAY
“My cankles?”
“No.”
“Just tell me.”
“They were talking about your toes.”
“My toes?”
Yeah, your toes are not cute.”

Olivia doesn’t even MENTION her freakishly enormous mouth!

I bet now she will, though.

But you know what? Olivia knows she has bad toes.

And you know what else she knows? That perfection is so lame. SO lame. 

And I will bet you $1,000 that she’s going to turn that phrase into a t-shirt now.

Back at the Mansion, the date card arrives…and it’s for Jubilee!

Jubilee gets SO excited, while JoJo looks like she just got the news that she can’t have any children. Jubilee immediately apologizes and sits down out of respect for JoJo and Becca, AND BLESS THAT BEAUTIFUL BABE BECCA’S HEART, she classes the joint back up and tells Jubilee, “I have very mixed emotions right now, but I’m happy for you.”

Jubilee is jubilant. Which kind of makes me sad, because how shitty has your life been to make getting a one-on-one date with Ben one of the best days of your life?

Like, I’m not even being sarcastic. Seriously.

Amber is totally boring as she narrates what it’s like to wait to get time to be with Ben whilst on a group date, which suddenly makes me realize that we have had literally no crazy moments from Lace. None. NUNZO.

I miss you, Crazy Lace #5. Please come out to play.

Anyway, Amber tells us that if it takes two times coming on The Bachelor to find someone to love her, then she’ll take her chances.

Like…there’s so much fuckedupedness in that sentence that I don’t even know where to begin.

I’m not a huge fan of Amber – I think she’s incredibly boring, and I feel like her and Ben have NO chemistry, and based on her time on Bachelor In Paradise, I feel like she’d fall for literally anyone who went on a date with her. Also, she’s a bartender…having to go on The Bachelor to meet guys when you’re a bartender is like having to go on OkCupid to meet guys when you’re still living in a campus dorm: It doesn’t make any sense, it’s a waste of other people’s valuable time and resources, and it means that there’s something wrong with you.

So she tells Ben some stuff about why she likes him and how she’s glad she’s here, and Ben is like, “I’m GLAD you’re here. And I’m hopeful, TOO!” in the same exact way you’d talk to a learning disabled kid who just joined your special ed class.

Amber goes in for the kill, they kiss, Amber says “Thank you” when they’re done (gross – you don’t thank a guy for kissing you, just like he shouldn’t thank you for letting him cross into the borders of your VaginaTown…not because he shouldn’t be grateful, but there’s something infinitely creepy about guy being all “Thaaaaank you” during or after the fact. Unless he’s a virgin, which is also a nice way to score some flowers and maybe even a fancy steak dinner), and then, to the shock and dismay of everyone in America, Ben gives her the date rose.

The only consolation is that he didn’t give it to Olivia. But to Olivia, that doesn’t mean anything! Because she knows he couldn’t have given it to her again! She feels so good about him! And she knows he feels the same way! Not only because she knows his heart, but BECAUSE WHEN HE GOT UP, HE PUSHED OFF HER LEG WITH HIS HAND!

This is what he did, which I captured for you because apparently the person who mans The Bachelor Vine was asleep during almost the entire episode:

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And you guys, he only does things like that for her, because he knows that she gets them. Like, is this a conversation the two of them actually had? “When I touch you in a seemingly innocuous way – like when we’re in a crowd, or sitting next to each other on the couch, and I literally use your body for balance – what I really mean is…I love you…”??

Take it down a notch, crazy eyes.

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Jokes, Jubilee, & Me (sobbing, quietly in front of my laptop)

It’s time for Jubilee’s one-on-one with Ben, and she looks great. She joins the girls in the living room, and it’s instantly obvious that she’s feeling super nervous and awkward. The girls are really nice and start off making jokes about how much fun she’s going to have, and she tries to joke with them back, but all of hers land with a thud. She makes a joke to the girls about Ben being late, which I took to be a “haha, I’m so excited that I’m going to pretend like I’m annoyed that he’s late” but other girls LITERALLY take offense to it…like Jubilee isn’t being “appropriate” or “grateful” enough because she’s not sobbing beatifically in the corner with enduring gratitude that God could be so good to bestow her with a damn date. And then Ben shows up, and the look on her face when he walks in is just, like…pure glow:

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He casually asks what time it is, and she jokes again, “Just, you know, 20 minutes late, but who’s counting, Ben? I’m not!” And it’s cute, but like, some of these princesses get visibly upset, especially when Ben asks her if she’s excited, and she again, JOKINGLY, responds with, “No, not really.” Jami is seriously offended, because she obviously does not understand sarcasm nor possesses any sense of humor (which I mean…she is Canadian). Ben is a GUY. He is a HUMAN MALE. He is not some GOD that she should be kneeling on the floor in front of, worshiping the ground he walks on.

This is Jami, not understanding playful sarcasm.

This is Jami, not understanding playful sarcasm.

They suddenly hear a helicopter flying over the house, and Ben announces, “Hey Jubilee, I think our ride’s here.”

HELICOPTER HELICOPTER HELICOPTER! THIS SEASON IS OFFICIALY IN FULL SWING!

They go outside, and Jubilee admits to being scared of heights. Ben asks her what she thinks, and she sort of moans, “I’m gonna die.” Then, again, as a JOKE, she says, “Anyone else wanna go on my date?” Which is pretty much the death knell for the ladies in the house. Admittedly, it would suck to really want a one-on-one and then see someone act like they didn’t fully appreciate getting to go on a whirlwind date full of helicopters and surprises. But according to Jami, it was, like, “actually offensive, because do you know how many girls would die to go on that date?” You know what’s *actually offensive*, Jami? When people post Pins on Pinterest about how evil Islam is. You know what else is *actually offensive*, Jami? When Rep. Duffy, the whitest guy from one of the whitest regions in the US, decides to tell black women how they should live their lives. Those things are ACTUALLY OFFENSIVE. Not the fact that someone made a JOKE about going up in a helicopter because she’s scared of heights.

Caila tells us that she doesn’t expect that Jubilee will come back after the date, and she actually feels sorry for Ben that he has to sit in that little box with her.

HAHAHAHA. At least he won’t be bored to death, like he was when he actually had to be alone with you.

(I don’t know if you’ve caught on yet, but I’m a lil’ defensive about my girl Jubilee)

Jubilee and Ben fly off into the sky, and Jubilee’s really scared at first, but then starts to enjoy herself. They land at a health spa, which Jubilee says looks like a miniature castle. There’s a spread of food, and Jubilee tries caviar for the first time, and it does NOT go well (I love caviar, by the way. I will eat that shiz by the jarful). Ben asks her if she’s adventurous with food, and she tells him that she’s adventurous, but not with food.
“So what’s your go-to food, then?” Ben asks.
“Hot dogs.”
“Hot dogs?”
“I’m obsessed with hot dogs.”
Yeah, girl!

Ben tells us that Jubilee really intrigues him, because she’s confident but she also holds herself back at times, so he’s really excited to have this one-on-one time with her. And I gotta say – at this point in the date, I just don’t see it…I don’t really see the romantic connection or chemistry between them. It feels like more of a friend vibe to me, especially when they go off and play that old person’s game where you have to use a stick to shoot a disk over a triangle drawn on the ground. Though she’s becoming more visibly comfortable, she’s still kind of awkward, and it’s a little cringey to watch.

Until it’s hot tube tiiiiime.

Sidenote about Ben: On both his date with Lauren and Jubilee, he made a point of complimenting them when they came out in their bikinis – not in a creepy way, but in a nice, “Hey, I want you to feel good and attractive and confident right now” way. And it’s just little things like that that reinforce the fact that he’s such a good, thoughtful guy and totally is great at being a Bachelor.

Jubilee had previously made a “white boy” joke during that game with the sticks and the disks that the elderly play in the nursing homes, and so in the hot tub, she tells him that she didn’t know how he was going to take it, but was so happy when he laughed.

He starts to say something about how he’s not *all* that white, and she goes, “So I’ve heard.” And his FACE. His FACE.

Ben’s got a big dick, y’all.

"Who told you about my big dick? Are you also from Canada and know Kaitlyn?"

“Who told you about my big dick? Are you also from Canada and know Kaitlyn?”

Jubilee tells him that she notices that he doesn’t really laugh a lot – like he laughs to be nice, or because he wants to make the other person feel good, but he doesn’t really *laugh* laugh, and that’s why she was glad she could really open up and joke with him like that, because even though this date can be about deep stuff, too, she wants him to really have fun and she thinks he should relax more. And it’s not lecturing at all – it’s actually really rare and refreshing to see Jubilee get comfortable enough to say those things, and she does it in an insightful, gentle, and actually kind of sweet way. Ben tells us that Jubilee “stretches” him – which is soooooooo a Good Christian Guy thing to say, it’s like the highest Bible Camp compliment you can give someone of the opposite sex (especially since saying, “I wanna do you like a-100%!” is a bit frowned upon in that particular circle) – and this is the moment when I think that there could actually be something there – it’s like a spark, and suddenly there’s some actual chemistry.

Nighttime! Jubilee looks stunning –

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…and they sit down to dinner, and Ben jumps right into the fact that Jubilee is a war veteran and an orphan. She sort of touches on the fact that she has a lot of layers, and that people always see that as a positive, but for her, she sees it as a negative because it makes it harder for her make friends or get close to people. Ben notes that at the end of their conversation the other night, that she had told him that she hadn’t been back to Haiti. She tells him that she has a love/hate relationship with her past – she had a bad past, but it made her who she is today and she likes who she is now. But she’s always known that she had to go back to Haiti with someone else, someone special. And the way she says, “I can’t do it by myself” is just like…you get these small glimpses of Jubilee’s honesty but also her maturity and raw vulnerability, and it kind of knocks you off your feet a little bit.

And then she tells Ben that her fear of being unlovable or easy to reject comes from the fact that her whole family died, back in Haiti, and that’s basically the point where, even though I can totally be a cynical asshole, I just completely break down and am sobbing at the thought of someone losing their entire family like that. And THEN she tells Ben that she deals with a lot of guilt because she’s the only surviving person that she knows of in her bloodline, and I just lose it all the more.

Goddammit, you guys. Look at us, this bunch of lucky fucks who get to watch a reality TV show and make fun of it and here’s this girl, who not only survived a childhood in one of the poorest countries on earth but also had to grow up – in an orphanage, no less – knowing that she was the only one in her family who was lucky enough to still be alive.

And then Ben, of course, is just perfect in the way he listens and  responds to her story. He gives her the rose, and she hugs him in return, and then he pulls her onto his lap, and it’s just like…good going, Ben.

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He tells us that he loves – “loves, loves, loves” – that Jubilee has a lot of layers, and that’s something he wants.

And I can see them together as a couple in this moment, but I’m also really scared of them not being versatile enough and then having to watch Jubilee get her heart broken when Ben decides that it’s not the perfect match. You know? Like she’s so strong on the outside, but so fragile on the inside, and while I will literally and personally cut any bitch who comes for her now and I just don’t want to see her heart get totally smashed by Ben or this show.

And then the camera cuts to a parting shot of the uneaten steak lying on Jubilee’s plate and I’m so hungry and my lightly thawed heart then completely freezes over again and we’re back to business as usual.

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Like Bees In A Trap

The next morning, Jami tells us that she sneaks out of bed, tiptoes down the hall, and, to her utter shock and dismay, sees Jubilee back from her date, sleeping in her (Jubilee’s) bed.

And this is the moment when I know that I’m going to have some real problems with some of the girls in this house.

The Twins send some serious side eye over to Jubilee over breakfast and talk some pretty big smack for only being 22 and not knowing anything about life –

And Midwestern Leah and the other girls lay around on the pool furniture, shit-talking Jubilee, and then – in the strongest Midwestern accent EVER, seriously you guys, I grew up in BOTH Minnesota AND Wisconsin and even I can’t stand it – tells us that Jubilee is definitely pulling away from the group. Huh? I wonder why that is? Maybe because all of you guys are being straight-up bitches and are talking about how you can’t believe she got a rose, even though – NEWSFLASH – it’s not even up to you.

“And I know that Ben wants to have a wife that will be friends with all the other soccer moms,” Leah tells us, in the most painful elongated vowel structure ever. Do you, Leah? Do you really know that that’s what Ben wants? Or is it just what you think it’s what he wants since you barely even know him?

Even JoJo gets in on it, which kind of breaks my heart a little bit, because I really like JoJo. “You know what this means? This means that he sees a future with her.” “No!” Caila and Jami both say, which is particularly entertaining because Plain Jane Boring Jami (or is “Jamie: Boring & Plain” a better nickname? Let me know below in the comments!) is being the bitchiest about this whole thing even though she hasn’t even been on a one-on-one date and Ben hasn’t even kissed her yet and yet she’s sitting there like she totally knows who Ben should and shouldn’t see a future with. And i just…I want to do murder, you know? Like just a little bit of murder. Maybe, I don’t know…Jami first? Like I could plan this whole scenario where I trick all the girls into thinking that there was a nuclear war overnight and they were the only surviving people on the planet and also there’s no food left so maybe we should just kill Jami now and save ourselves some painful starvation time later? And then after she’s dead, I could be all, “Oh! Haha! Chris Harrison told me it would be a fun joke to play on you guys. Too bad Jami believed it and ran into this cool sword that I brought with.”

Cocktail party time! Becca notes that even the girls with the roses are nervous, and JoJo announces that there’s a weird energy vibe in the house. Amber tells us that since she has a rose, she should be happy today, but since most of the girls thought Jubilee would be going home yesterday, there’s a lot of tension in the house.

I can’t, you guys. I can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

Ben comes in and tells the women that he got a phone call from his family that day, and that two close family friends died in a plane crash last night. He tells them that he’s a little down, but that’s also why he’s here, to find someone he can sit down and talk to when these kind of things happen. Jennifer notes that this definitely puts the night in a somber mood, and that “We all just want to make him feel better.”

And enter Olivia, stepping in to steal time with him before anyone else yet again! Like, I doubt that she even listens to a word he says when he makes his speeches…she just times when he takes a long enough pause so she can hurry up and announce that she’s stealing him. Which becomes even more important when she decides to take the focus of the conversation off of his family tragedy and onto her body issues. “I hate my legs. Like, hate them. Like people have written blogs about them, that I have cankles…” AND THEN SHE LITERALLY CHOKES UP.

But that’s not even the best part.

“I try to be strong all the time,” she whispers. “It’s the scariest thing ever.”

Oh my god…oh my god, oh my sweet Lord…thank you for this beautiful and wondrous gift. I am so, so thankful to you for this moment in time that I can cherish until the end of my days…

Ben’s face of patient tolerance:

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“I came in here, a little down, and this is not what I want to talk about,” he tells us. Well, get ready, Ben, because this is a glimpse into your future life with The Large-Mouthed Bass: In your moment of need, she’ll always find a way to turn the attention back on her.

Also, Olivia, if your biggest problem is that someone’s writing a blog about the fact that you canckles?

Actually, never mind…you now have bigger problems:

Ben then sits down with Amanda, who, unlike Olivia, actually makes their time about him.

In a moment of stunning irony, the girls are sitting in the living room, and JoJo mentions that she’s still emotional over what Ben shared about his family friends, and Jami says, “It just makes you feel stupid about the juvenile conversations we were having today.” Yeah. Sure does, doesn’t it? Jubilee is sort of off to the side, and you can almost tell that Ben’s news reminds her of her own experiences.

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(But also, that dress: Holy cow. That girl knows how to wear some white). Jennifer asks Jubilee what she’s thinking about, and the way that Jami LOOKS at Jubilee in that moment – girl is SO JEALOUS, she can’t even handle herself when someone asks Jubilee a question. Jubilee, who’s perched on the arm of the couch, looks back and smiles and tells Jennifer that she’s thinking about how she can make Ben feel better. Jami throws Jubilee another death look –

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While Lauren B – not you, TOO, Lauren B! – smirks at Jami from behind her hand –

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And Midwestern Leah and Strong Eyebrows Leah Mean Girl it up over in the corner:

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I honestly hope all of those girls felt ashamed when they watched this episode on Monday night. I have a 5 year old niece who’s more mature – not to mention kinder to her peers – than most of the grown women in that room were when it came to Jubilee.

And more than that, I hope Ben is ashamed of them, and that the worst ones – Jami, Amber, etc – totally get called out on it during the Women Tell All.

*whispers* That is my wiiiishhhhh.

So then the girls start talking about how Jubilee is starting to seclude herself from the group, which makes “like, 18 elephants in the room” –

Which is hilarious, because YOU ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE CREATING THAT TENSION. And I know that they don’t know the full extent of Jubilee’s past, but it’s like…you wanna talk shit about her all day, and then you wanna complain that she’s not around? Jubilee then talks about having major anxiety, especially around women – which, oof. That is a hard house to have anxiety in…but also, when Jubilee walks up to Caila, JoJo, and Becca and says “What’s up guys?” like she’s making an effort to talk, and Becca all of a sudden announces that she’s going to get some more lipgloss and her and JoJo just walk off…I’m SO disappointed, you know? Because it’s such high school behavior for grown women, and Jubilee isn’t even a villain. She’s not constantly stealing Ben away like Olivia, or conintually making a scene like Lace…she simply made some ill-timed jokes and then was given a date rose.

Jubilee and Ben run into each other outside, they hug, and then Jubilee leads him over to the hot tub area, where a massage table has been set up. And Ben is SO appreciative that she took her time to make him feel better.

Screen Shot 2016-01-20 at 9.18.39 PM

But of course…

Becca & JoJo, a.k.a. The Bobbsey Twins, click on outside and spot Jubilee giving Ben a massage, so they start calling all the girls over to spy on Jubilee and Ben –

Screen Shot 2016-01-20 at 9.18.24 PM

And word spreads through the house like wildfire. Never mind that Ben had a horrible day and Jubilee knows more than anyone what he’s going through and so she’s going out of her way to make him feel better. This isn’t about Ben! This is about the fact that Jubilee already got a rose and other girls want time, too! It’s about THEM.

Jami, with encouragement from JoJo and Becca (seriously? So disappointed in you two) decides to go over there and interrupt them, even though…AGAIN. Ben is getting a massage after a HORRIBLE day. If I was getting a massage and a potential match decided to interrupt me while it was happening so THEY could get their time, I would not be impressed. It shows a deep lack of consideration and a huge slice of selfishness.

The best part, though, was that Jami had to literally stand there and watch while Ben gave Jubilee a big hug and then gushed to Jami about how amazing that was.

Screen Shot 2016-01-20 at 9.23.03 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHA DRINK IT ALLLLLLL IN, JAMI, YOU DESERVE IT:

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Amber hears about the massage, talks some shit about Jubilee and how she has a “really aggressive side” and that there’s a “respectful way” get more time with Ben (like never talk to him, you mean? Like sit on a couch for three weeks and hope he comes to you? Mmmkay, Amber. You’re the perfect person to give that advice, then), and then assigns herself as the gang leader when the other girls start throwing around that Jubilee is “flaunting her rose”.

They start using words like “rude” and “disrespectful” and “unfair”…what’s rude, disrespectful, and unfair? The fact that Lace continually stole time with Ben three times on last week’s group date? Or that Olivia also stole time with Ben when she got the date rose, and had deliberately snagged him first at every opportunity?

These girls are killing me.

Jubilee is lying on one of the pool patio couches when Amber marches up and motions to her to come inside, like she’s some puppy that Amber gets to order around. Literally, she’s like, “Come. Come hither. Come. We wanna talk to you.” And Jubilee is all, “I”m not doing a Girl Chat” and Amber is like, “You have to.” OH DOES SHE? I think you seem to forget, Amber, that Jubilee’s seen actual combat, and so she doesn’t actually have to DO anything.

After Amber continues to insist that Jubilee comes and talks to them – “because we need to get this out right now” (girl, that’s YOUR problem, not Jubilee’s), Jubilee is still like, “Yeah, NO”, and so Amber goes, “Fine, then we’ll come to you.” First you’re totally boring, Amber, and then you somehow suddenly morph into a shit-stirring Mean Girl bully? I feel so justified now in not liking you before.

SO THEN, Amber stalks off and announces, “Apparently she doesn’t want to come to us, so we have to go to her“, making it sound like Jubilee was the one who demanded they all come and bother her with their petty bullshit. “Are you kidding?” one of the girls asks, and Amber is all, “Swear to god.”

I’m trying this new thing where I don’t actually call a girl a bitch – I can say she’s being a bitch, or acting like a bitch, but I don’t wanna actually call her a bitch – but it is really, really hard right now to not just say it in all caps in relation to Amber.

Jubilee gets up and starts walking through the house, with Amber following her, and she tells Amber that she doesn’t know what they all have “going on right now, but it ain’t cute.” Amber mimics her to the others – real mature, Amber, you are the epitome of class – and Jubilee goes upstairs and shuts herself in the bathroom. The Twins go over to Caila and Rachel to gush about what happened, BUT, to their credit, they all agree that being asked to go into a room full of girls to have a “conversation” isn’t so much a conversation as it is ganging up on someone and attacking them (thank you for finally pointing that out, Twin and Calia. You have redeemed yourself in this moment).

JoJo goes up to the bathroom to talk to Jubilee, but Jubilee wants her to go away. Jubilee shuts the water closet door when JoJo tries to open it, and JoJo’s all, “No, no, it’s me, it’s okay.” Um, it’s you? You, who basically help ignite this whole thing when you and Becca spied on Jubilee and then called everyone over to help you bitch about it? JoJo, you’re two-faced, you’re not sympathetic, you’re just as guilty for starting this whole thing as anyone else, and I’m actually kind of ashamed that I liked you so much earlier this season.

Ben goes up to see what’s going on, and he and Jubilee sit in the bathroom and Jubilee tells him that she has no idea what’s happening, that the only thing she can think of is that she’s awkward. The girls downstairs are dishing about the fact that Ben is upstairs “consoling” Jubilee – you guys, I am going to straight up fucking lose it in two seconds with this bullying bullshit – and JoJo makes a face, like she can’t understand why Ben would want to comfort someone who was just ganged up on by the entire house, including her. Lace is all, “Yeah, he’s consoling her, which is stealing time away from me, so now I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get a rose.”

Nobody cares right now, Lace. Literally, there is no one in the entire continent of America who even cares.

One of the Twins is like, “he shouldn’t be dealing with that right now, he shouldn’t be dealing with any of that right now in my opinion” and she better be talking about how he shouldn’t be dealing with the fact that he has a house packed with jealous bullying Mean Girls who chased a girl up to the seclusion of the bathroom with their Mean Girl antics. Amber’s like, “I should be giddy as fuck tonight, but I’m not because of this situation.” Oh, do you mean the situation that YOU created, Amber? Cool. Yeah, we’re pretty pissed off about that, too.

So Amber goes upstairs to talk to Jubilee. In front of Ben.

This should be fun.

She walks in, still totally feeling justified for her actions, and tells Jubilee, “I’m not trying to attack you, I wanted to literally have a conversation with you.” No, you didn’t. You wanted to make Jubilee feel bad for having time with Ben tonight after getting a rose, even though the whole purpose was to make Ben feel better, and then you wanted to make Jubilee feel bad about the jokes she made yesterday, which Ben obviously didn’t mind, all of which just made you even more jealous.

Jubilee starts crying and sobs, “I don’t know what’s going on” and Amber’s like, “I know, that’s why we wanted to talk to you, I need you to stop crying, stop really fast,” while Ben looks on and comforts Jubilee. “I just needed to talk to you because a lot of things are bothering me, and I think that there’s a lot of tension in the house.”  OMG, STOP TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING TENSION IN THE HOUSE ALREADY, IT’S ALL JUST YOU AND JAMI SHIT STIRRING AND GETTING EVERYONE ELSE RILED UP.

So then Amber literally starts explaining the situation to Ben, referring to Jubilee as if she weren’t even there, or like she was a fucking child.

She tells Ben that things between him and Jubilee seemed a little “off” yesterday, and that when Jubilee made the joke about if anyone else wanted her date, “it pissed a LOT of girls off. Like, why would she say that?”

I can’t even get over how rude and inappropriate this is, for Amber to speak about Jubilee to Ben like she’s the school principal and Ben is Jubilee’s parent. Jubilee, who’s still crying at this point, protests that it was a joke, and that Ben knows it’s a joke, and Ben side-hugs her in agreement. SO THEN, Amber, WHO IS STILL NOT GETTING IT, pummels in further by lecturing Jubilee – “When you said that, you should just be grateful-“
“Trust me, I was!” Jubilee says.

And like, who made YOU the gratitude police, Amber? You’re not in charge of other people or how they feel or how they act. Just because you were a failure at two seasons of The Bachelor franchise and had to come back a third time doesn’t make you den mother of the house. You don’t get to tell other girls what to do, according to YOUR experience.

And when Jubilee tells her that she can’t walk on eggshells, thinking about whether every little thing she says is going to offend someone, Amber continues on with her condescending twatage and is like, “It’s going to get harder and harder, every single week.”

Um, how would YOU fucking know? Weren’t you sent home, like, after the second or third week on Chris’ season, without even getting a single date?!

Then Ben interjects and tells Amber that one of the many things – ya hurd that, Amber? He said “MANY” things that he likes about Jubilee – is that she doesn’t walk on eggshells, and he wants her to make jokes, he wants her to feel comfortable, because that’s the only way he’s going to be able to see who she is.

You’re going home next week, Amber. You are SO going home, and you know it.

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Hey, Amber, you know who jealousy doesn’t look good on? You. Also, ohmygodcanyoupleasegetsomedeepconditionerupinthathair.

I mean. I’m not generally in favor of internet trolling or flaming, but I guess if it started happening to Amber and Jami this week, I wouldn’t, you know, necessarily do anything to stop it.

Not Even Lying, This Is Honestly Turning Out To Be The Most Dramatic Cocktail Party Yet

After Ben is done comforting Jubilee and has properly put Amber in her place, he comes downstairs, looking absolutely exhausted. I’M exhausted, and all I had to do watch and feel and blog my way through all that.

He plunks himself down on the couch in the middle of the ladies, and literally says, in a voice-over, “The drama is over.”

In a moment of IMPECCABLE TIMING, Lace glides into the room. “Ben, can I talk to you for a second?”

So they walk outside, and Lace tells him that he’s really awesome and that she’s really sorry for the way she’s been acting, and this has been really rough for her.
“I think-” Ben starts to say, but true to form, Lace interrupts him.
“I think it would be better if I just go home now.”

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Uh…WHAT.

“I have a lot of work to do on myself,” Lace tells him. “And like my tattoo says, you can’t love anybody else if you can’t love yourself.”

OMG. I don’t know which part shocks me more…the fact that she’s voluntarily going home to work on loving herself more, or the fact that she quoted her own tattoo in sincere earnest.

So she leaves…with just a smidgen of pride and dignity intact, and all of America’s hearts.

Except for maybe Ben’s.

Rose Ceremony

By this time I’m so exhausted and emotionally depleted that I don’t even care who gets a rose. Compared to the rest of the drama-filled night, the Rose Ceremony is a snooze fest.

The only really interesting thing is that Ben kept Olivia waiting until the very last rose.

Which also meant that JAMI didn’t get a rose. HAHAHAHAHAHA GOODBYE JAMI SEE YA BUH BYE HAVE A NICE LIFE OKAY SEE YOU LATER BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE

She makes a bitter speech about never trusting humans again and how that’s why she’s still single even though she’s only 23 and now she’s going to adopt a cat and I literally do not care BECAUSE BYE FELICIA TEAM JUBILEE 4 EVA

Shushanna also left, which is kind of sad because I feel like if she would have stayed longer she could have been quite entertaining.

Olivia, for her part, tries to convince herself and America that her and Ben have unspoken communication and that he left her to the very last to tell her something about how he can’t give her everything and she gets it and then he squeezed her around the waist a little when he hugged her and that meant that he knew she could be patient for him and remain strong in what they have and also that there are special secret codes hidden in the book description of the first edition hardcovers of THE DA VINCI CODE and even though barely anyone even knows about it that’s the kind of unspoken communication that can happen between Olivia and Ben when you have a three-week-old connection like theirs.

And then Ben makes a speech to the ladies –

They all toast it up with champagne, and I breathe a sigh of relief that it’s all over.

The End.

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See you guys again in a few days for the Live Tweets Edition!

//

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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