‘The Bachelor’ Season 20 Episode 2: One Big Mouth, 2 Guest Stars, and 50 Shades of Lace!

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What’s up, Bachelor babies! Welcome to the second episode of The Bachelor: Ben Is Sweet!

For this week’s recap, we’re gonna keep mixing it up by adding some of the best live tweets from Monday night (as in, the ones that already support how I feel), and then saving the rest for the Live Tweet Edition. Let me just prepare you now, though – in all the seasons that I’ve been live tweeting, I have never before had sift through so amazing live tweets. I don’t know if it’s because a bunch of you pointed out some other great people to add to the list, or if it was just that great of a live-tweet night, but…

We’re talking, like, 400-600 tweets.

Yeah. I was compiling that shit from 5:00 (when the show started on Central time) to 9:00 (waaaaay after the show ended).

And you know who I do it for?

Me. I do it for me, because I’m not married and I don’t own any kids, so this is what I do to fill that dark, gaping hole in my heart.

And then I do it for you to make it all somewhat worthwhile!

Anyway…let’s get on with the show!

Ben Is the Most Amazing Bachelor In The History of Bachelors & He Can Cure Cancer With His Tears & He Also Once Saved An Entire Village of Newborn Babies From Dying Just By Smiling At Them

It’s morning at the Bachelor Mansion, and all the girls gushing about how amazing Ben is while they drink mimosas, is not okay with me, because it makes me want a mimosa and orange juice is not something I can have at this time.

Oh, did I forget to mention that this season I’ll be using these recaps as a thinly veiled excuse to complain about my dietary detox? Because that’s happening and you can’t stop me.

Completely realistic and down-to-earth summations of Ben’s overall being:

“Ben is, to the tee, the perfect man.” – Leah

“Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history.” – A Twin (also, you’re 22! You’re like, only old enough to maybe know about FIVE out of the TWENTY Bachelors, if even that)

“I want Ben Higgins to be my husband.” – Olivia. Congrats! You’e managed to nail the WHOLE ENTIRE REASON why you should be there IN THE FIRST PLACE, Olivia.

“If you had a list, he checks off every single list.” – JoJo. We’re going to ignore that atrocious word mix-up because JoJo is looking suuuuuuper pretty while she’s saying that.

And then they all do something stupid by standing on a balcony and shout, “BEN! WE’RE COMING FOR YOU!”

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Fuckin’ producers.

Meanwhile, at the Four Seasons! (Pleeeeeaaaaassseeeee tell me that you’re padding your season budget instead of sucking it dry by this move to house Ben in a hotel instead of a mansion down the road from the girls, ABC. Please tell me that they’re a sponsor, and that we will be taking tropical vacations SOMEWHERE THAT’S ACTUALLY TROPICAL later on in the season because of this), Ben is putting on his pants.

Allow me to both share with you, in picture form, what this was like, as well as give you a window into one of the incredibly constructive ways I like to spend my time:

Ben higgins

Dat bulge, tho.

Also, does anyone find this screegrab just a touch disturbing? For some reason, when I look at it, I keep thinking about Law & Order SVU

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It’s the same, “Last night was great, I’m feeling good, the girls are amazing” blah blah blah shiz we always hear from the Bachelor on episode 2…just once, I would love it if one of the Bachelors just deadpans into the camera and is like, “You know what? I don’t think my wife was in that room.”

Just to, you know, mix things up.

Date card! I’m trying to listen to what the girls are saying, but I’m literally distracted by the fact that the Mansion has somehow been sucked into a ’90s wormhole. Sleeveless denim? Flannel around your waist? TURTLENECK CROP TOPS? WITH A FLANNEL TIED AROUND YOUR WAIST??

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(In case you don’t read my Vanderpump Rules Recaps, one of my favorite things ever is using the screen grab with the worst expression)

What have we become. We’re supposed to be living in the future. Not the past.

Also, I KNEW I recognized Olivia from somewhere!!!

Olivia Boggs

But back to the subject at hand: Lace, for her part, is looking to redeem herself with this first date card. “I got a little too drunk, a little too emotional.” No! Not at ALL! You were totally calm and even-keeled the entire evening!

“That wasn’t me, let’s start over!” she tells us.

But what if we don’t want to start over?

What if we just want you to be that version of yourself all the time?

What about what WE want, for a change?

It’s a group date! And the girls on it are Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and….LACE.

This is what we, as a Bachelor Nation, are calling #LaceFace:

And this is Jami’s LaceFace:

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The date card reads, “Let’s Learn To Love”, which Lace incorrectly interprets as “Let’s Learn About Love.” “Maybe he’s into tall brunettes named Lace.”

What does that even have to do with anything?

She’s also excited to go on this date because she gets to redeem herself “real fast”.

And she wants that ring. She wants it all!

Oh, and then at some point during this she declares that she’s not a crazy girl. “Not at all.”

One of the biggest layman’s rules of psychotherapy (of which I have a background in, thankyouverymuch)?

Crazy people never think they’re crazy. Only actually sane people will question if they’re crazy or not.

Crazy people? Nope! NEVER crazy.

Make Ben’s Volcano Explode!

Group date! Everyone is SO EXCITED!

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Especially Lace, who’s already (and the ONLY one) drinking in the limo on the way there!

Not that I judge you, gurl. It’s basically disrespectful to ride in a limo and NOT drink.

They pull up next to a school whose real name has been placed by “Bachelor High”:

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Clever!

And then Ben strolls out, telling the women that some of his best times were in high school, so for this date, he’s going to take them back to that time.

Cool…?

Then we get to hear Principle Harrison making some announcements over the P.A., which is basically how every single one of my high school themed-porn fantasies begin!

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I’m really only posting this photo below because I’m loving the shorts and in particular JoJo’s style and I wanna pin this look to my Pinterest Style board later:

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“Cooooooome to me, Amber…allow me to make all of your sensual “Hot For Male Authority Figures Whose Professions Focus Primarily on Education” fantasies comes truuuuue…” Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 8.24.08 PM

my body is ready

Principle Harrison gives the ladies the run-down on today’s events – they’ll be attending four competitions classes, where they and a teammate will have to compete a challenge in order to move onto the next class. The last one standing will be crowned Homecoming Queen.

So many emotions with these two!

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Poor Jackie tells us that she was never the Homecoming Queen in high school, so this would pretty much be a dream come true.

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She’s so sweet, you guys.

Almost so sweet that I don’t wanna make fun of her.

BUT! I once made fun of One-Armed Sarah for an entire two seasons, so why stop now…!

Jackie looks like the kind of girl who always rides that line between ugly and cute…like she was probably really mousey in high school, with an unfortunate complexion and hair that always looked greasy, and then when she went to college she was determined to have a fresh start, so she started reading some teen magazines and learned how to do makeup and wear cute clothes and so now she’s considered cute but she’s still always juuuust riding that edge…like a bad breakup or being fired from her job could plunge her fully into the abyss of ugly. You know?

I know you do.

Anyway!

The girls team up, and every team has a locker and backpack, which carries all the stuff they’ll need for each class.

They move first to “science class”, where they’re to complete a “science experiment” – make Ben’s volcano explode (HAHAHAHAHAHA DO’YA GEDDIT?!?)

Which, it turns out, consists of just following simple instructions. Basically: They have a list of ingredients they’re supposed to use that are named after all the essentials you need for a healthy relationship – like, love, trust, communication, etc.

They literally just have to find the beakers named after the ingredients and then add them to the mouth of the volcano in a certain order. Everybody gets their volcano to explode except for Lace and Jubilee, who are then kicked out of the competition.

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Also…that’s a lot of…um…stuff in your volcano been.

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Been a while since it last erupted??

Then they move onto LUNCH CLASS.

Yeah! Apparently that’s a class at Bachelor High!

Spread through the cafeteria are fish tanks filled with water and apples – a buncha green ones, and only one red apple. Principle Harrison announces that Ben really loves apples, but what’s his favorite kind?

“Red, just like my heart.”

"I'm sorry, America. They made me say that."

“I’m sorry, America. They made me say that.”

So in order to win “Lunch Class”, each team has to bob for the red apple, then pass it to their teammate, who then has to drop it on their lunch tray. Oh, but you can’t use your hands!

So then this happens:

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Here’s Ben, trying not to look super pervy:

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Poor Jackie, though, can’t seem to fit her mouth around the red apple! She has too small of a mouth. Too bad for Ben!

He decides to coach her through it, though, resulting in this screengrab that admittedly makes me uncomfortable:

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So Jackie and Midwestern Lauren are out, and the teams move onto “Geography Class”, where Principle Harrison announces that, “Today we’re here to study Indiana, where Ben is from.”

The ladies are directed to find the magnet of Indiana from a pile of other states, and then place it directly on this map:

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“I’m not asking them to find Indonesia on a map,” Ben points out.

I mean, he probably could have and the ladies would’ve probably been actually more successful at that (esp. Becca, cause didn’t she go to Bali or something with Chris last Bachelor season??).

Nobody knows what Indiana looks like, much less where it is.

 

I don’t even know who these girls are!

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OMG LOOK HOW CUTE BEN IS

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The team that’s struggling the most, though, is Becca and JoJo. They are CLUELESS – so much so that Midwestern Lauren, who is as sweet as pie, tells us that her kindergarteners would probably have done better at this task then those two.

(Also, producers, please go to Lauren’s classroom after this is all over and film those kindergartners doing this challenge)

Which is fine, because they’re super pretty and therefore, they don’t even NEED to know where Indiana is on a map! Right? I mean, that’s what school really should have taught us…if you’re pretty, why waste your time with book-learnin’? People are just gonna give you things your whole entire life!

Here’s how the teams did:

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Nope.

 

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Nope.

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NOPE.

 

Midwestern Lauren is so disappointed and sad for all of America.

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Gym Time! The girls’ intellect is put to the test with a free-throw contest!

Basketball is VERY big in Indiana – which we just learned about in Geography class! – and so for Ben, this makes it easy to come up with an excuse for why the girls should have to do a free-throw competition.

Jennifer and LB and Amber and Mandi are the two teams left for the free-throw competition! And I’m super bored with this part of the competition, so here’s me getting the shot on a free-throw shot:

Shot of me getting a shot

And here’s some pictures of Ben looking cute:

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Ben looking cute 2

Ben looking cute 3

Amber and Mandi land a couple lucky free-throws and win! These girls lose, and also nobody knows who they even are:

These guys lose. Also, nobody knows who they are

So then Principle Harrison has to be really boring announce that there can only be one Homecoming Queen (GOD, can this date just BE OVER ALREADY), and a Homecoming Queen obviously needs to be good at hurtles, so it’s off to the track!

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Mandi smokes it, even barefoot. Also, I’m impressed with her ingenuity at rolling up her bell-bottomed pants into shorts. Kind of wish she had worn them like that the whole time.

Hurtles

Look at that lead on Amber!

Lead time

Mandi wins! Amber is a loser once again.

The money shot

Mandi gets crowned! Also, remember what I said earlier about Jackie? Kinda starting to feel like that goes for Mandi, too.

Because…oof.

Oof. Mandi's face

Mandi and Ben set off on a cherry-red convertible that drives slowly around the track in some kind of high-school-nightmare-loop that serves as the credit intro to every bad After School Special.

This looks fun!

In what’s always our favorite part of every group date, the loser girls are left to watch forlornly from the sidelines.

HAHAHAHA

HAHA! You’re all LOSERS!

Which Lace is not happy about, and for your information, she is DEFINITELY going to do something about it.

Lace is DEFINITELY going to do something about it!

This is gonna be GREAT.

Helipads Are VERY Romantic

Nighttime for the group date! And where else would they be, but on a rooftop patio!

Better Rooftop

Lace definitely wants time with Ben, because she needs to redeem herself, and she wants that rose.

Also, Lace doesn’t want Ben to think she’s just some crazy girl! BECAUSE SHE IS NOT. SHE IS NOT CRAZY. NOT! CRAZY!

(Which brings our “I’m Not Crazy” Counter up to 2!)

Ben and Becca go and shoot some hoops together, which Becca SMOKES him at – seriously, she lands almost every shot!  Guess gym was more her subject than geography?? – and they talk about how excited they both are that she’s here.

Yeah. I bet.

Haaaay

“Lemme just sliiiid this up a liiiiiitle bit farther…”

I really like the two of them together and I think, personality and moral-wise, they’re a great match…but there’s just something about the two of them together…it’s kind of like Becca’s a senior in high school and she’s dating the cute sophomore. I keep thinking that she’d be better with someone older and more established.

 

Ben goes off with Jennifer, and they talk about how great they both are, and then he goes in for the kiss. It looked like this:

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Only it was WAY more awkward than me grabbing three screen grabs of it and then posting them here instead of just assuming that you can watch the show if you wanna see it.

The girls are talking about whether or not Ben will kiss anyone that night when Jennifer rejoins them. JoJo asks her if she sucked some face with Ben, and Jennifer was like, “The fuck you think, gurl? LOOK at me.”

I’m serious. She really said that.

And Lace gives some STRONG LaceFace:

Lace is VERY aggravated to hear that Ben kissed Jennifer, and from here on out, she’s going to do what’s best for her. 

Um…like she’s been a super girl’s girl up until this point?

“I’m getting that rose tonight,” she declares.

Yeah. No. You’re not.

And we are SO EXCITED to see what happens when you don’t!!!

Meanwhile, back at the Mansion!

The girls who are group dateless are sitting around, waiting for the date card to show up. It’s the only thing that’s gotten Olivia through the day!

Also, DEAR GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER FACE WE HAVETH A DEMON IN THINE MIDST

DEMONOLIVIA

You know those horror movies or nightmares where you wake up to find a little kid standing by your bed, staring at you, and then all of a sudden they open their mouth like 6 feet wide as they lean in to engulf you and eat your soul?

Yeah. Her mouth is like that.

This also disturbs me:

Also, put on some makeup, gurl – you’re on national TV!

“Ben is the best freaking catch in the entire world,” Olivia tells us. I mean…really, tho? Like, have you met all of the men in the entire world so as to accurately make this declarative statement? “I looked at him the first night and I saw my husband. After how well last night went and getting the first impression rose, I’m obviously the front runner.”

Yeah. This is why people like me don’t like you, Olivia. Also, you know that thing you said the night before about being “humble”? In addition to people who feel the need to say they’re classy or funny…if you have to say it?

You’re not.

“If someone else’s name was on the date card, I would be shocked, honestly.”

Like…shocked more than you were than the date card arrived? Like, what happens to your mouth when you’re MORE shocked? Does it just flip over and engulf your whole head? Does the universe get slowly sucked inside of it, like a dark hole?

But surprise! Caila is the one who gets the first one-on-one date card, NOT Olivia!

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

Lookit her EVIL FACE:

no date card

I HATE YOU SO MUCH ALREADY OLIVIA ALL OF YOUR PAIN BRINGS ME JOY BY A THOUSANDFOLD AND THUS I WILL REJOICE IN THE TASTE OF YOUR DELICIOUS TEARS AND THE SOUND OF YOUR SUFFERING SHALT BE LIKE BEAUTEOUS MUSIC TO MY EARS

Anyway! Back on the group date, Lace is frustrated that she kind of hasn’t gotten any time with Ben…”Like does he even notice me, does he even notice that I’m here?”

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She goes to find him and interrupts him while he’s talking to Homecoming Queen Mandi, who handles the interruption in a gracious manner benefitting a totally fake Homecoming Queen.

She tells us that she wants time with him because last night he didn’t really get the impression of “Who’s Lace, what’s she about?” and instead he got another Lace, the one she didn’t want him to see.

So many Laces! And all of them refer to themselves in the third person!

Which is, you know, totally not a crazy thing that crazy people do! Lace is a really good girl, you guys. And you should WANT to know her.

So Lace and Ben sit down and talk…or rather…Lace talks, Ben tries to talk, but then Lace literally just talks over him the entire time. She apologizes to Ben for the night before, and Ben gets bonus points for admitting – or trying to admit while Lace is still talking – that he did feel a little attached and was a little thrown off by her behavior last night. She talks some more about how that wasn’t her – that was ANOTHER Lace! – and how she wants to get to know him better and she feels really special and is here for him.

Really? CAUSE YOU’RE NOT EVEN LETTING HIM FINISH A SINGLE SENTENCE.

But according to Lace, they don’t need words! He’s gripping her hand and their chemistry is off the charts and he’s practically fucking her with his eyes.

And according to Lace, she wants to kiss him so bad and she can tell that he wants to kiss her and they’re SOCLOSE to kissing…until Jubilee interrupts them.

Jubilee tells Ben that she was born in Haiti and spent her earliest years in an orphanage, which was rough, but that’s also why she love that Ben has spent so much time volunteering in Honduras.

I love Jubilee, you guys. Apparently Ben does, too, because they totally make out!

makeout city

Which…I don’t know if they have a ton of chemistry? I feel like Jubilee is one of those women that Ben likes because he knows he supposed to like her, and would maybe try to convince himself to like her, but she would be a better fit for someone else, I feel like – someone a bit stronger, who has a sort of protective quality with Jubilee. Despite her being a badass war veteran, I feel like there’s a part of her that just needs to feel like she’s being taken care of.

Jubilee rejoins the group (and doesn’t mention the kiss, not even after the girls ask her if it happened, which is a classy move) and Lace is PISSED – “Jubilee stole Ben from me, and then she had double the time with him than I did. That BUGS me!” LACE. YOU stole Ben from MANDI. That’s how THIS WORKS. But not to Lace, it’s not, which is why she decides to confront Jubilee about it.

Which Jubilee is NOT having –

Jubilee ain't having it

And the rest of the group gets in on the action, too, bringing up the fact that Lace keep complaining about not having enough time, but she’s had more time than even Mandi. To which Lace just rolls her eyes right at them like a sullen child, then tells the girls that she’s sorry that they feel that way, but she hasn’t had any time with him. “I really haven’t.”

Here’s Jubilee, and all of America:

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How do the Laces in your head compute time, Lace? Is it simply a meaningless abstract construct? Or if your definition of “time” a much broader and wider term than the rest of us? BECAUSE GIRL, YOU’VE GOTTEN SOME GODDAMN TIME.

But not according to her! She leaves the group and goes off to find Ben, because she’s not going to let these girls ruin her relationship with Ben (um…what relationship?), so “these bitches can suck it.”

Really, Nick? That’s your ONLY objection to Lace? REALLY??

“I’m not crazy,” Lace says (Not Crazy Counter: 3!) as she walks up and interrupts Ben and LB. “I just need more time.”

Ben Is SO ANNOYED. Also a little scared.

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“What’s going on?” Ben asks, exasperated but still trying to be polite.
“I just feel like we keep getting cut off,” Lace tells him. OH YOU MEAN LIKE HOW YOU’RE DOING TO LB AND ALSO EARLIER DID TO MANDI?? “And I just wanted another minute.”

Poor LB goes back to the group and tells them that she hardly got any time with Ben because Lace wanted to talk to him again. The girls are LIVID, especially losers like Amber, who complains that she hasn’t had any time with him yet (um, then GO INTERRUPT LACE AND START PLAYING THIS GAME THE RIGHT WAY).

So then Lace uses her time with Ben to talk about DENVER – specifically, SHE talked about Denver, and Ben just listened – and then returned to the group, triumphant and confident that she’s getting the rose. When she comes back to the group, it’s DEAD. SILENCE.

“Did you go interrupt him again?” JoJo asks.
“I talked to him for a second.” AGAIN, HOW DO YOU COMPUTE TIME?! You had an ENTIRE CONVERSATION ABOUT DENVER in that time.
“Lace, you got two times with him.”
“It was a second,” Lace say, smiling.
“At least it was better than no time,” JoJo and Amber simultaneously say.

My favorite part of this whole exchange is Lace’s face when she realizes that JoJo not just going to let her get away with stealing more time with Ben. It’s sort of this narrow-eyed, deep-breath look that I couldn’t quite capture with a screen grab, but that moment, to me, was scarier than all of Lace’s antics. It’s the look of someone who’s very used to getting what she wants, even at the expense of others, and doesn’t do well when others try to block her sense of entitlement. THAT’S the kind of reaction that leads up to a Lifetime Movie type’a murder.

Ben comes and grabs JoJo and brings her up to the helipad on the roof. One or both of them – I’m not going to go back and check, I’ve already spent about 5 more hours on this recap than I should have – mentions that being up there is very romantic.

He tells her that he was watching her all day and was so impressed with her attitude and energy that he wanted to do something a little more special for her. They kiss, and THAT, admittedly, is pretty romantic.

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They have pretty rad chemistry, I have to say – plus, I don’t remember JoJo looking as pretty on the first night as she does on this date. I think she’s gonna be a huge contender this season, and people were already tweeting that they were picking her for the next Bachelorette (let’sssss not get ahead of ourselves, guys. We also said that about Brit, and look how that turned out).

And then it’s time for the date rose, which Ben gives to JoJo. Admittedly, I think he should have given it to Jubilee. JoJo is awesome and they have definite chemistry and strong connection, but she already got her special one-on-one time with Ben, and Jubilee totally opened up to him when she didn’t have to.

Also, there’s something about her look here that makes me want to win Powerball tonight and just use the money to go and adopt all the orphans in Haiti.

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Sorry, Jubilee. You deserved that rose.

Ride Along In 2 Love

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Morning time at the Mansion! It’s Caila’s (GOD, I am SO TIRED of trying to spell that damn name right. PARENTS, STOP DOING THIS SHIT TO YOUR KIDS. IT DOES NOT MAKE THEM ORIGINAL; IT JUST MAKES THEM ANNOYING) one-on-one date today with Ben. Caila’s cute and bubbly and I think she might grow on me, but right I’m still pretty annoyed about the fact that she literally dumped her boyfriend because she felt “butterflies” for Ben. I have felt “butterflies” for LOTS of guys on TV, but that does not mean that I’m about to dismantle my entire life and literally break someone’s heart to go chase after some guy on a reality TV show.

So that bugs me.

Also, her “fifty shades of crazy” thing from the other night before. So disrespectful. Some copywriter worked really hard to come up with “Fifty Shades of Cray” and then you just off and ruin it.

But she’s well-spoken and she seems nice so I’m going to try to keep an open mind.

Ben and Chris Harrison walk in, and Chris announces that Ben picking Caila was the only input he had on the date, and he asked Chris to plan the rest of it for him (HAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, OKAY, ABC. CHRIS planned the date, and it *just happened* to be a clever tie-in to a new movie that’s affiliated with ABC’s umbrella company. RIIIIIIIIGHT. Just respect us next time and stop trying to act like we’re all a bunch of idiots).

And who did Chris ABC invite to show up and plan the date?

Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, the stars of the new movie Ride Along 2!

How…convenient.

Ben is sooooo painfully white when he meets the both of them. “I just saw you in Denver!” he tells Kevin Hart. To us he says, “Ice Cube has done everything from acting to RAP.”

I can’t. I can’t even start. Children of America – do yourself a favor and go back and Google people like Ice Cube so you do not make a fool out of yourselves if you are, perchance, put in a situation where you must reference all that they’ve done with their lives.

Anyway: The two of them have been tasked with planning the day portion of the date, and the banter between them about what’s cool to do and what’s not cool is probably some of the funniest stuff I’ve seen on this show in the last 20 seasons.

They load Ben and Caila up in a vintage convertible and then take off FOR THE ULTIMATE RIDE ALONG (get it?).

They pass a guy selling flowers by the side of the road, so Ben pulls over so they can get Caila a bouquet. Kevin tries to haggle with the guy, but Ice Cube shuts it down. BECAUSE THEY’RE THE PERFECT COMEDY DUO, JUST LIKE IN RIDE ALONG 2!

NO, KEVIN! YOU’RE GETTING PAID TO PROMOTE RIDE ALONG 2, NOT THE NUTTY PROFESSOR!

The whole time, Ice Cube is just rolling in the back seat, like, “WTF did I do to end up here.”

None of us know, Ice Cube. None of us know.

But Ice Cube DOES know how to find his way around a liquor store (OMG WAS THAT A BRILLIANT SEQUEWAY OR WHAT), so they stop and he brings Ben in to buy some provisions for the date, suggesting Hennessy and condoms.

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Surprising all of America, Ben declines both those suggestions and instead opts for champagne.

Back in the car, Ben smartly decides to take this opportunity to get to know one another. You know – ask the important questions! Like…what’s your favorite color?

Turns out, it’s yellow! What’s Ben’s favorite color? Blue! OMG, Kevin Hart shares, that’s HIS favorite color, too!

It’s all so illuminating.

And then they make a stop at a hot tub store, which, besides the fact that it’s a hot tube store, looks real, real nice:

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Kevin wants them to try out one of the hot tubs. Ice Cube just wants to go home.

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But Kevin wins, so Ben and Caila get in the swim suits that they so conveniently brought along, and have some romantic time alone in the hot tub.

Or, you know. Not.

Finally, Ice Cube is like, “YO. LET’S BOUNCE”, and that’s when we find out what “Nakey Time” means to Kevin Hart –

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I love that guy. (not as much as I love you, Ice Cube, though, I love you, too!)

Finally, Kevin and Ice Cube hit the road, with some well wishes for the happy couple.

And Ben and Caila finally some alone time in the hot tub together.

And now it’s time for me totally ignore the fact that Amanda wants us to feel sad for her because she’s missing the two small daughters that she left at home for 3 months to be on a reality TV show!

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Let me make something clear: I won’t judge a parent for leaving their child at home for 3 months to go on a show or a trip or whatever. I don’t think parents should be expected to stay by their child’s side for every moment of their childhood, and this current brand of hyper-attached mommies actually disturbs me in a very real way. What I *am* judging, though, is a parent who makes that decision and then expects us to feel sorry for them when they miss their child. You left them. You made that choice. You are totally welcome and expected to miss them, but I shouldn’t have to sit through you talking about it, much less suffer through a segment that’s painted to make you look like a sweet mom because you miss your daughters so much. And if you EVER try to tell me again that you’re going on the show for them, too, I’m going to punch you in your throat and permanently ruin that baby voice of yours. You’re doing it for your kids when you leave them for 3 months to take a higher-paying job, or finish your degree, or fight for your country. You’re not doing it for your kids when you get onto a reality TV show that’s full of romantic dates and tropical designations.

We clear? Alright, cool!

And NO, FOR THE RECORD:

Amanda is not the new Emily Maynard.

The next group date card arrives, and The Mouth STRIKES AGAIN:

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Emily, Shushanna, Olivia, Haley, Amanda, and Samantha are going on the group date.

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Meanwhile, back on the date with Ben and Caila, they sit down to dinner and wine, and Ben asks Caila what she’s looking for.

She kind of acts like he just asked her to state her stance on abortion after the first trimester, and answers that she’s just looking for someone to complement her, which all of America mistakes as “compliments” her.

She asks Ben if he stills unloveable. He tells her that he’s never really felt that two-way street when it comes to love. Even last night, he tells her, he had this fear that people were going to show up and say, “Okay, I have an idea of who he is, but when I really get to know him, it’s time to walk away from this.”

I TOTALLY GET THIS, and now I completely get what Ben is talking about when he says that he feels unlovable. We all know that he’s super adores and such a good guy and there are literally thousands of girls who would love to be in a relationship with him, but once you feel like you’re the kind of person who will never be truly known by someone else AND have that person want you after you’ve shown them everything you are, that’s a real and true feeling, and hard to shake.

But, he tells her, you can’t give up and you can’t isolate all the avenues. “Who knows how you’re going to meet someone?”

Which give Caila the perfect opportunity to talk about the guy she dumped to come on the show! She paints a good picture, saying that her heart just never caught up to the story of their “fateful” meeting, and yeah, I guess that’s fine. It’s just that in the INITIAL meeting of her, she totally made it sound like she was unsure about her relationship, saw Ben on TV, and then ended that relationship. Which…I mean. Everyone kind of has their own little triggers of what makes them finally bite the bullet, but…I don’t know. There’s just something about I don’t trust.

Ben gives her the date rose and they walk down the street to find their names on a marquee. It’s Amos Lee! An actually recognizable singer-songwriter! Caila tells us that she’s having all these feelings, and it’s crazy because “it’s all on a first date.”

A PERFECTLY PLANNED, WOULD-NEVER-OTHERWISE-HAPPEN-IN-REAL-LIFE first date, you mean.

“If I could stay in this moment forever, I would,” she tells us, as her and Ben slow dance to Ben’s favorite song “in the whole world, of all time.” “We’re just swaying in each other’s arms, looking into each other’s eyes, and I can see myself falling in love with Ben.”

PUUUUUUUKE.

“There’s no way he’s unloveable. Snowballs chance, in…you know where.”

Hell, you mean? Did you meant to say HELL? That’s not even a swear word anymore, Caila!

The Sniff Test

 

Group date time! All the girls are excited – including Olivia, AGAIN with that mouth –

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…to see what “Let’s see if we’re the perfect match” on the date cards means. They pulled up to a building –

Walk off the elevator, and are greeted by a mobile robot, who takes them to The Love Lab, where each lady will be put through a series of tests to gather data on which one of them – SCIENTIFICALLY – is the best match for Ben.

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During this segment, there were a bunch of people tweeting that this wasn’t “real science.” Just like the volcano experience wasn’t science?? There are a WIDE and VAST variety of forms that science can take. Gathering data and making an informed hypothesis based on those results is pretty much all that science *is*.

SO SHUT THE F-CK UP is basically what I’m saying.

However, these methods do not scientifically *prove* that they ARE a match, so.

Let’s proceed!

The Twins, for their part, are not overly excited about this date, stating that they’re…how do you say it? “Not very…smart.”

The ladies are first tested on their retina tracking – i.e., they’re observed through machines and computers to see which picture their eyes go to first AND fixate on the longest – diamonds or babies, beer or wine, Sean Lowe or Ben.

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“Was watching that one real careful,” Ben says, adorably. “Please come back to your Bachelor.”

THEN, they’re all asked to run on some treadmills so their body odor can be tested…by Ben.

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He literally has to sniff each and every one and then describe the way they smell.

“Are you excited for me to smell you?” He asks them, weirdly.

Shushanna is worried – and when she says “I’m a little worried” she literally sounds like The Man From Another Place on Twin Peaks – that she’s going to smell like cabbage, but tries to reassure herself that she hasn’t had it for two weeks, so there’s no way she can smell like it now.

Amazing.

So Ben, blindfolded, goes up to each girl – known only to him by a number – and sniffs each one –

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Including down by their waist, because there’s glands by the reproductive system that you can smell –

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And reports on what they smell like – flowers, fruit, etc.

 

Most of the girls smell great, except for Samantha, of whom he says, “This one smells a little sour.” Ah…whaaaat? Poor Sam is mortified.

Then it’s time for thermal imagining to determine how much, through body chemistry, each girl is attracted to Ben. One girl goes into a room with Ben, and the rest watch the imaging on a screen in a separate room.

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Some of the girls are kind of freaking out, which Olivia relishes. “I’m incredibly confident in my relationship with Ben,” she tells us. “So there’s nothing with working with a little science, here…”

So Olivia goes in, bitchily predicts that there’s going to be “some unhappy faces” in the observation room, and talks to us and to Ben about how hard it is to not kiss him.

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“C’mon,” she whispers. “You’re really going to make me wait?”

“There are people watching,” Ben replies.

YEAH OLIVIA, THERE ARE PEOPLE WATCHING, WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY REASON WHY YOU WANT TO HAVE YOUR FIRST KISS IN SUCH A WERID ENVIRONMENT, BUT BEN IS A GENTLEMAN AND HE’S NOT GOING TO DO THAT SO SHUT YOUR MANIPULATIVE, CONCEITED, UNCOMMONLY LARGE MOUTH!

And then the results are in!

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Sam comes in last place, and here’s how AquaOlivia reacts to being told by a doctor that you’re not compatible:

aguaOlivia

But guess who IS most compatible, with a score of 7.5 out of ten!

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God, I hate you.

It feels good to hate.

It feels real, real good.

Date night! The pack congregates on yet another hotel patio – only this time, it’s BEN’S hotel patio. Since she won the Love Lab challenge, Ben asks Olivia if he can pull her away first.

Guess what her reaction was!

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“MY NAME IS BEZELBUB AND I WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF WITH MY BARE DEMON TEETH!”

Also, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING BEN HIGGINS???

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I’ll ignore the hoodie under/over sport coat nod to John Mayer because I love John Mayer (f-ck you guys, I’m not ashamed of who I am), but is that…sportcoat…also a…sweatshirt? Like, is it made from sweatshirt material? Are the two attached to one another? What is happening?? Doesn’t this show have an entire team at the ready to help make sure you’re at least somewhat presentable for TV??

Anyway, Ben takes Olivia back to his actual hotel room. Goddammit, can everyone please stop blowing up Olivia’s head already? The good thing is, we find out Ben’s sport coat is not attached to the hoodie. The bad thing is that Olivia’s wearing it and it’s definitely made out of some type of cotton jersey material. Oh yeah, and they kiss.

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This is Olivia’s reaction to it:

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Ben’s a real smooth kisser, I have to say. I worried with the first kiss with Jennifer, but I’m really impressed by his sequeways and non-ew-move-in ability.

They back to the group, who have all obviously been waiting a while. Ben goes off with one of the twins, Olivia sits down, and then the WEIRDEST thing happens. Olivia asks the girls where they think they’re going to take Ben. Amanda asks her if  she took him to “that really cute spot up there.” Olivia sort of stares at her, blank-faced, and slowly says, “I don’t knooow,” like ehe’s discussing whether it’s okay for someone to sleep with their cheating ex one last time just so they can pass on an STD as revenge. “I don’t, I don’t really wanna talk about it.” AND THEN JUST GETS UP AND LEAVES.

Like, WTF.

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Initially it totally seemed like she was setting up the conversation so she could brag about Ben taking her back to his hotel room, but then she got all defensive, like Amanda was prying by asking her about it….again, WTF?

Amanda, for her part, does NOT like Olivia, which I kind of love. “Since the very first week in the house,” she tells us, “I’ve gotten bad vibes from her.”

Shushanna hangs with Ben and tells him about how she came here from Russia with less than what I moved from Minnesota to Oregon with –

While the other girls sit around, literally admiring the rose on the table.

Samantha jokes that if she gets the rose tonight, it means “clearly science doesn’t too much!” “I don’t know,” Olivia breezily replies. “If Ben’s a big believer in science, though…I’d be a little concerned.”

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Way to be purposefully mean to one of the sweetest girls in the house, OLIVIA.

And, like…OKAY. In THIS way it’s annoying that the girls keep using “science” to describe what happened in the Love Lab.

Amanda goes off to find Ben, and tells him that she has two kids.

Ben’s super sweet about it, but this topic of conversation is boring to me, so I just kind of ignore it. They kiss. Whatever.

Ben joins the girls and starts his Group Date Rose Speech. He singles out Amanda and Olivia…and gives the rose to Olivia.

Ben, you’re failing so far with these group roses.

“Like, what’s a rose ceremony?” Olivia gloats. “I don’t even know what that is.”

And we have our first confessional tears of the season!

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Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

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Cocktail party time! Ben has some time with Leah, who didn’t have a date this week. He tells her that he didn’t feel the need to invite her on a date this week because he was already pretty confident about her.

Meanwhile, Olivia is lurking in the shadows, waiting for time with Ben. It is a CARDINAL SIN for a girl with a date rose to grab time with the Bachelor during the cocktail party, but Olivia doesn’t care! Ben is her man! “Like, hello!” she tells us. “Wifey!”

Omg. You did NOT.

Leah joins the girls again and lets it spill that Olivia waylaid them on the way back into the house. “What a selfish bitch,” Jubilee declares, saying out loud what everyone else IN AMERICA is thinking.

SO THEN. Olivia comes back and sits with the girls and says, “So now I’m done! And everybody can, just, have at it, and I hope that you can respect that.” And in the only moment where I actually like Amber, she sarcastically replies, “Oh, well thank you!”

Lace asks Olivia to come and talk to her. “Getting the rose last night was not my choice. Him taking me privately to surprise me was not my choice. So I think it’s easy when you’re stressed and your frustrated with your own relationship in the making, that i’m the punching bag.” Bull. SHIT. It WAS your choice to get the rose last night, and if it’s that much of a burden, you could have easily given it back or given it to someone else. Nobody feels sorry for you because Ben has been showering you with special attention, slag.

Lace tells her that she just wants to get to know her – “I just wanna talk to you I wanna get to know you I wanna talk to you,” she tells Olivia really fast but without actually moving her mouth –  and points out that Olivia did what she did knowing that girls are going to react. “This doesn’t mean anything to me,” Olivia tells her, motioning with the rose. ORILLY? Cause last night you seemed pretty happy about getting it. “Just because I have this? Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.”

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And then we have to listen to Lae complain about being interrupted 3 times – has she not seen this show before? Does she not know how this whole thing works? – and needing for her and Ben to really get to know each other, etc. Olivia basically is like, “You gotta go for it.” Yawn.

Lace tells us that she’s scared, but she wants to make sure Ben doesn’t know her as just some crazy girl (Not Crazy Counter: 4!) but if she goes home now, “He’ll never know Lace, he’ll never know who Lace truly is.”

Neither will we, Lace. Neither will we. We’ve seen dozens of other Laces by now, but who IS the real Lace?

She and Ben walk out to the balcony, and Lace tells him that this is hard –

“I have reasons for why I am the way I am,” she tells him. “I have a very BOLD personality. I’m a lot to handle.”

But you’re NOT crazy, right, Lace?

“And uh…I was very dorky looking, when I was a kid,” she says, in the same way you would tell someone that you overcame childhood poverty or an abusive home. “I have pictures…oh, I would LOVE to show. Can I tell you about one right now?”

Oh, nothing would please Ben more!

As Lace begins to describe her bangs in this photo, he slowly retreats into his inner world, where only Ben can go, and no Laces – NONE of the Laces! – are ever allowed.

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The girls on the ground, though, are not so lucky!

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While Lace is in the middle of telling Ben her traumatic story of how her brothers wouldn’t even acknowledge her on the school bus, Lauren B interrupts them, and Ben looks both incredibly relieved and fearful that now he’s in for another night of Interruptions By Lace.

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Lace now feels like her chances are shattered, because that time wasn’t reasurring, and everything would have been perfect if “that Lace hadn’t come out.” “The insecure Lace came out, and the Lace I promised I wouldn’t be came out.”

HOW MANY LACES ARE IN THERE.

Also, we have our second tears of the season (noteI’m counting these based on girls who are currently in the house, not by the girls who are sent home)!

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So then Ben starts handing out gifts, and one of them is a photo of him and Lauren B – of the first time they hung out together.

Yeah, Ben, that’s cool. Glad the producers took that for you and then printed it out for you to give it to her.

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Then he gives Midwestern Lauren a blue ribbon for “largest explosion at the science fair.” She laughs and gushes over it as if it represented a long-time inside joke between them, even though it’s obvious that it literally means nothing and he literally could have given it to the other girl on her team (Jackie), but he had to think of something, so this was it.

Blue Ribbon

One time, at my first summer working as a counselor at Bible Camp, we had our staff party where the program directors gave out certificates to all the counselors, and each certificate had a special nickname and story that went with it. Mine was title, “Southern Belle”, which I was mystified by. Later, I asked Kody (she was a female) the reasoning behind the nickname, and she sort of shrugged her shoulders and said, “Just because, you know, on the first day you arrived at camp, you walked toward the camp office with your hair all curly and you just, you know, looked like a Southern Belle.”

And that was when I knew they hated me.

Which, I mean. The feeling was super mutual, so I guess that was okay.

Then he sits with Amanda and talks to her about her kids and suggests they make hair barrettes for them and she cries and the only time I’m even remotely interested is when she pins one into his hair.

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HAHAHA OLIVIA YOU DIDN’T GET ANY GIFTS DID YOU

And then Chris Harrison appears and it’s time for the deliberations before the rose ceremony! Amber tells us that she’s basically in last place because everyone else has gotten time with him this week except for her. I do NOT feel sorry for you, Amber. You’ve literally been sitting on your ass this entire week while other girls have been risking getting shanked by Lace to get time with Ben. YOU DESERVE TO LOSE BECAUSE YOU PLAY TO LOSE, YA LOSER.

Lace cries a bunch about how she ruined everything and she knows Ben isn’t interested in her. And she’s right. But you know who IS interested in her? The producers!

Because Ben calls her name, but he is NOT happy about it:

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LB begins to tells us that this process is hard, and the minute she sort of going into how she’s a quiet girl from Oklahoma and that this kind of dramatic, uncertain, emotional environment might not be for her, we know she’s taking herself out of the game. Ben calls her name and she asks if she can talk to him. They walk into the alcove, and she apologizes, telling him she didn’t want to make a scene, but she thinks it’s better if she goes home…that it’s really hard for
her to be here, and she doesn’t think she can do it.

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LB leaves, and Ben comes back and makes a speech about it being a two-way street and he wants everyone there to feel empowered, blah blah blah. So now that he has her rose, now he has the chance to give it to someone he might not have gotten the chance to know better.

Amber starts complaining about the fact that she hasn’t had any time with Ben – “Like how am I supposed to get a rose when Ben doesn’t even know who I am?” – which I have NO time for. Lucky for her but unlucky for me, she gets the final rose. Which sends Sour Sammy, Mandi, and Jackie home.

Sammy’s a sweetheart, so I’m kind of sad for her that she’s going home, but there really wasn’t a lot of chemistry between her and Ben, so.

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And that’s it!

I’ll be out with the full Live Tweet Edition later today/tomorrow, so keep your eyes peeled for that. And know this: Next week’s recap is gonna be WAY shorter, because this shit was ridiculous.

And with that, I leave you with this gem:

We are all Olivia.

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//

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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