‘The Bachelor’, Season 20, E6: Bahama Drama!

What’s up, Bachelor babes! Welcome to week six of The Bachelor: Ben Is Sweet!

This week’s episode went a LOOOONG way to make up for the super boring Las Vegas and Spanglish dates we had to endure the past two weeks…although I feel like producers Millsy and Sugar Beets over here tend to oversell stuff like this –

Which makes me not want to trust them, AND I WANT TO TRUST EVERYTHING THEY SAY SO BAD.

Anyway. On with our episode!

“Talk Smart Things” Is Exactly The Kind of Non-Smart Phrase That You Would Expect To Hear On This Show

Last week we left off with a “TO BE CONTINUED” cliff-hanger after Ben asked to talk to Olivia before the rose ceremony. Earlier during the cocktail party, Emily had snitched on Olivia after Olivia made had made the “Teen Mom” insult that was heard around the world.

Even Farrah Abraham got in on that mess, declaring that she was “more together and organized” than the women on the Bachelor. Which, I mean…I’m totally sex positive and if porn is what you want to do with your life, get. IT, but I think you can maybe just keep those assertions to yourself, Farrah, since no one’s really interested in buying what you’re selling.

Also I really want everyone who’s reading this to watch this because it still brings me so much joy (skip to ahead to 3:08 for the Farrah part).

Also check out this FB post for some real live dish about Farrah and Lisa Vanderpump!

So wait…what were we talking about again?

Oh yeah! Olivia and Ben!

Ben then made a point of questioning the other girls about Olivia, and they all basically took up the torch that a weirdly-sobbing Emily lit up, each other them telling Ben some variation about how Olivia’s not really clicking or vibing with any of them, as if that’s something that even matters in a marriage between two people. But it makes Ben wonder…is he seeing the whole picture with Olivia?

So Ben pulls Olivia into a dim hallway and basically tells Olivia that some of the other women in the house have told him that their relationship with her is different than with the other girls, and that he’s a little confused by some of the things that were said. Olivia mentions that getting the first impression rose and the first group date rose put a target on her back –

And she felt like the other girls hated her because she was being aggressive and so she tried to pull back and then they hated her for not being social, and so she felt like she couldn’t win. And I get it, because this one time back when I was a behavior therapist I started working at a clinic after being a private practice therapist for a family that I got really close to which only ended in heartbreak when the child/my BFF was diagnosed with leukemia (that’s MY Bachelor tragedy story) and so with this new job I was all, “YO, I’m gonna do my job, fucking RULE at my job, and then I’m gonna go home because I don’t need any more personal relationships in my life, DIG” and so I did do my job AND I fucking RULED at that job and I still got called into my supervisor’s office two weeks later to talk about how my attitude was “intimidating” to my other team members. This clinic was 90% women, and apparently my not being super gushy and buddy-buddy with everyone had earned me a lot of these ridiculous anonymous reports that employees were *encouraged* to write about other coworkers, detailing any perceived or actual slight or mistake, because what’s cooler than running your clinic like an SS camp, right? And it was like…are you fucking kidding me? I’m doing excellent therapy, I broke a record for passing my core competencies, my clients are happy, and yet I’m being lectured about how I’m not going out of my way enough to socialize with my coworkers? (And so then, I DID make friends, and two years later I got into trouble because I had made so many good friends at the clinic that it was “holding me back” professionally. HI, HELLO, MY NAME IS AMBER AND I DON’T LIKE WORKPLACES).

Which, in hindsight, okay: I was kind of a bitch. Like, maybe not on purpose, but I had been running my own team for at least two years and now people were treating me like I was some kind of fresh newb, which – you find hard to believe, but – I don’t tend to do well with. And so I learned a valuable lesson from that, which is this: While it’s not necessary for you to make friends in order to do your job/win the Bachelor’s heart effectively, if you have to be there and you’re stuck being there with other people, why not make some friends?

And also it taught me that when someone tells you that you’re being intimidating or when someone tells you that other people think they’re intimidating, what it really means is, “YO. BITCH ALERT.” #Fact

BUT: I also lose respect for Bachelors who put a lot of importance on who’s well-liked in the house. While drama between the women is 75% of why I watch this show, it’s annoying to me when the Bachelor gets all up in arms when a girl isn’t getting along with the rest of the house in a way that doesn’t actually matter in the scheme of his relationship with her. Olivia has ALWAYS been one of my least-favorite girls, but what sets her apart from the Tierras and Courtneys is that she’s not actively trying to make the other girls miserable – she’s just so wrapped up in her desire to win Ben that she just does not give a shit how they feel. It would be different if it were a Britt situation and she was all, “I love traveling, I love everything YOU love, Ben” and then to the other girls she was all, “Fuuuuuck no”, but she’s not – she’s simply not jiving with the other girls in the house. And maybe that’s because they’re all assholes?? We don’t know! I mean, Becca’s sweet, but what if she’s not someone you wanna have small talk with? And we all already know Caila’s crazy, and who can stand to even LISTEN to Midwestern answer a simple question with that accent?

But Emily feels PERSONALLY DISRESPECTED by her, and is adamant that Olivia doesn’t care about their feelings. I’m sorry, but whenever someone starts whining or bitching about feeling disrespected, I immediately stop caring. Here’s a real cool fact of life: No one has to respect you. They don’t even have to give you respect in order to earn your respect. Once you stop expecting that people should just automatically respect you and your dumb feelings, you’re actually going to have a much easier time in life. Mostly because very few people will just do so automatically, until you legit show them why they SHOULD.

Olivia tells Ben that she feels like it’s been hard to relate to the girls because everyone in the house is really into painting their nails and doing their hair –

While OLIVIA like reading BOOKS in her ROOM (I’ve been there, tbh) and THINKING (omg me too!) and she wants to talk…smart…things…

Ben asks Olivia if what the girls said about her is a shock, and she tells him no, that she can come off as intimidating (there it is again), because she’s confident. She tells him that when he asks her about the situation in the house, she tells him it’s fine because she can handle everything, because she knows what she feels for him.

And that’s when she starts crying! Which is apparently effective, because the next thing we see is Olivia and Ben coming back to the group together, Olivia’s rose still in hand. Ben makes a speech about how he enjoys and appreciates every single one of the women. “You are all different.” What a wordsmith! He finishes his speech, and Olivia starts crying again. Emily’s PISSED, because according to her, now someone who deserves to be there is going to go home because of Olivia…even though, NEWSFLASH, EMILY, it’s not up to YOU whether someone is deserving or not.

And I’m not even defending Olivia; I just think Emily’s stupid.

For all this mess, we are then rewarded with one of the weirdest moments in Bachelor history, where Olivia talks about how the other girls are trying to take her down, but it’s not working, and then she says “Come at me bro” in a way that’s so weird that it actually scares me a little bit?

I feel like…if we ever wondered if Olivia is really the second escaped coming of Ex Machina, this would be excellent proof that she is not of the human race and must therefore be destroyed. Who taught you to say it this way, Olivia? Who is trying to sabotage your robot freedom? They are not to be trusted. Do not parrot modern catchphrases from them any longer.

Finally, the rose ceremony begins. Olivia talks some more trash about how she’s still there and will be to the end, blah blah blah, I’m too distracted by the fact that Leah is wearing an obvious bridesmaid dress that she’s repurposed into an evening dress (pretty color, tho) –

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and that the rug looks like a vagina –

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to actually pay attention to anything anyone is saying.

Except! Jennifer is upset that someone else is going home tonight when it should so obviously be Olivia, and that she has no idea who would be going home tonight instead, which even to her means that it’s probably her.

Emily is nervous and freaking OUT! She thought Ben was seeing what everyone else was seeing, and the fact that Olivia is still there has her feeling REALLY insecure, you guys!

GOOD, EMILY. Cause the cardinal rule of The Bachelor is that snitches get stitches, even when you’re bein’ the snitch on the house bitch. #rhymes.

As more and more girls get a rose, Emily gets even more emotional and dramatic, telling us that being sent home would be the WORST thing in the WORLD.

Jennifer knows that she and Ben could be great together, but it’s just that they haven’t had a lot of time together! Ben does not agree, and he calls Emily’s name instead of Jennifer’s.

Ben tells Jennifer that she’s going to make somebody very happy, which is always an incredibly condescending thing to say to someone you’ve just dumped. Amanda tells us that it’s really sad to Jen go, because they all knew how great Jennifer was, and that’s the saddest part, to see Ben let such great girls go yet keep giving Olivia chance after chance.

First of all, for the 500th time, it’s not up to you who he keeps, and also, GODAMMIT THAT VOICE I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT AND TO EVERYONE WHO SAYS SHE CAN’T HELP IT YES SHE CAN I CHANGE THE REGISTER OF MY VOICE ALL THE GODDAMN TIME SHE TALKS LIKE THAT ON FUCKING PURPOSE EVEN IF IT’S A SUBCONSCIOUS RESPONSE TO A PATRIARICAL SOCIAL CONSTRUCT AND THEREFORE NOT REALLY HER FAULT IT STILL BUGS THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

And then Ben announces that they’re going to the Bahamas – an ACTUAL tropical destination, you guys! – and it’s like both the show and Ben are slowly working their way back into my heart again!

Aruba, Jamaica, Oooh I Wanna Take Ya! Bermuda, Drama Foooor Ben’s Bahama Mamas!

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The girls are in the Bahamas, which we only know from the fact that they shriek the name of their destination in unison (thank god, right, otherwise how would we ever know where they were or where they were going?). They arrive in their suite, but unlike Mexico City, the cross-promotion is tasteful with just a shot of the hotel sign and a few comments along the lines of “this is how you travel.” Which I am okay with, because unlike in the Four Seasons in Mexico City, this suite is the kind of room – big beds, balconies, etc – actually worth getting exciting over:

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When Caila thinks of a romantic destination, she thinks of this place, and Amanda rightly observes that she thinks this is the most romantic place they’ve been to so far (you mean a Las Vegas helipad/parking lot was NOT romantic? HOW DARE YOU). But I’m also distracted from her whining about Olivia being there because I’ve suddenly noticed that the other girls have taken to copying Becca’s half top-knot and it’s now apparently a thing in the house, and I do not approve.

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Remember when mall bangs were cool? Half top-knots are kind of like that.

In other words: Ya look stupid.

Chris Harrison shows up amidst a mimosa toast and announces that this week, there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date (OMGIWONDERWHOITSGONNABE). He leaves the one-on-one date card, and we realize that Leah – other than Olivia, who doesn’t really count, and Emily, who had at least a 2-on-1 – is the only one in the room that hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Ben yet.

The date card is opened, and it’s Caila?? WTF. Sorry, but that’s just fucking rude. I really hate it when the Bachelor gives two one-on-ones to a girl before another girl has even had one with him (and then just expects her to be totally cool with another group date).

Caila’s date says “Let’s see if our love is reel” – “OMG look how he spelled “reel” – R-E-E-L!” Some girl excitedly exclaims, which demonstrates to us just how cooped up and bored the girls are at this point. Caila goes off to get ready and sings a really dumb song about going on a date –

…While Emily notes, rightly, that it’s really hard to see someone who’s already had a one-on-one date get yet another one when there are girls there who haven’t had nary a one thus. Leah points out that Emily has had more time with Ben with her 2-on-1, and Olivia has been validated three times now going into the rose ceremonies (and to Olivia’s credit, she actually nods her head in agreement), and Leah hasn’t “gotten shit.”

Ben walks in to pick up Caila for their date, and Leah acts exactly how I would act in that situation – quiet and withdrawn and totally uncomfortable and not a little bit visibly annoyed.

And honestly, I’M annoyed with Ben for acting like everything is awesome and exciting, because there are legitimately three girls there who haven’t had a one-on-one and now he’s taking Caila on another all-day date, which is not fair and it’s fucking stupid and Caila doesn’t even deserve it and I expect that kind of behavior from a dope like Chris Soules but not from my beloved Benny-boo-boo-boo!

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And yeah, I said earlier that Ben gets to decide what he wants to do because it’s his season, but I don’t like being reminded that Ben can also be a totally clueless and oblivious guy who expects girls to be happy with them and their choices all the time.

Also I’m a little annoyed that I have to watch another date with Caila, if you want the full truth. I know everybody thinks she’s sweet, but I just think she’s so annoying and a little crazy and I swear to God if she’s the Bachelorette, I’m going to do some hardcore Twitter harassment on everybody who even a little bit associated with The Bachelor.

Anyway, Ben and Crop-Top Caila leave for their date –

…and Ben tells Caila that they’re going to hang out all day on the water, go swimming, and do one of his favorite activities – deep sea fishing! #SNORE

And he even TELLS us that, even though some of the other women haven’t had a one-on-one date yet, he needs more time with Caila. Really? DO YOU? Why?? You already had a one-on-one with her and found out that she kind of believes in fate until it messes with her attraction to a total stranger on TV, so what else do you need to know? I’M SO MAD AT YOU BEN. WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME THAT YOU’RE A HUMAN AND IMPERFECT AND DON’T MAKE THE BEST CHOICES 100% OF THE TIME.

Caila and Ben kiss and chat on the boat, and Caila tells him that she’s excited to relax, that she saw some people’s faces as they left and she needs to let that go. “Who?” Ben asks, looking like he’s annoyed that someone would dare be upset because he’s taking Caila on ANOTHER one-on-one when there are three girls who still haven’t had A one-on-one yet, much less PLURAL one-on-ones. LIKE YOU CAN’T GUESS WHO MIGHT BE UPSET, BEN. Caila shrugs and tells him “just people”, saying in so many words that she’s not going to name names, which I guess is a classy move but I also just kind of want her to say Leah’s name, you know? Just to really make sure that Ben doesn’t get away with ignoring the fact that he actually hurt someone’s feelings.

Which, funnily enough, that someone’s feelings are REALLY hurt, because Leah is currently sobbing her damn heart out to Midwestern.

She feels like Ben doesn’t want to get to know her, and asserts that everyone has told her that if she hasn’t had a one-on-one by now she’s basically going home (which isn’t wrong!). Midwestern tries to make her feel better by telling her that maybe she’s looking at it the wrong way, that maybe Ben just isn’t sure about Caila and that’s why he’s taking her on another date, and Leah argues that if he wasn’t sure about Caila, then he would have taken her on the 2-on-1. Which, again…isn’t wrong!

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This teary discussion is also brilliantly spliced with shots of Ben and Caila laughing and fishing –

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…and it makes Ben look like a total jerk to have his hands all over Caila’s bikini body while another girl is sobbing about how he doesn’t even want to get to know her. It is BRILLIANT – bravo to the editors and producers on that juxtaposition, which is straight outta the kind of ’50s romantic tragedy where the poor sweet girl from the wrong side of the tracks accidentally gets pregnant by her grasping, social-climbing boyfriend who then ghosts her to romance and run away with the beautiful but vain heiress.

Or, you know, the entire video plot of George Michael’s “Careless Whisper”.

“To not give me a chance and to give her that time again,” Leah tearfully says, “It’s just wrong.” She tells us she looks like a total fool for putting herself through this…meanwhile, Ben and Caila catch a fish and Ben suggests he and Caila kiss the fish, which…not to disregard the emotional dramatics of the moment, produces this tweet which has me laughing/choking for the next five minutes:

Like seriously, my poor housemate had just spent all of Sunday night ice climbing to the summit of Mt. Hood and was trying to sleep during the live tweeting on Monday, and instead he had to listen to me giggle/wheezing over this GIF for 5 minutes straight (sorry, Dave!).

Bravo, Astroglide. BRAVO.

And then the best moment ever, where Leah cries some more and tells us that Ben would be so happy with her – inter-spliced once again with shots of Ben all over Caila – and THEN she says, “But he’s not taking the leap with me” RIGHT BEFORE WE SEE BEN AND CAILA LEAP OFF THEIR BOAT AND INTO THE OCEAN.

You outdid yourselves on this one, editors/producers. Standing ovation, and we’re not even to the 20 minute mark of the episode yet…

I’m Confused About Love Which Is Confusing But You Love Being Confused So Let’s Confuse Depth With Confusion & Fall In Love! 

Night time! Ben tells us that Caila is so filled with joy and is so bubbly, but he wants to know if he can go deeper with her…he wants to get to all the layers of her.

Sorry, Ben – if you wanted depth and layers, you should’ve kept Jubilee around, but you didn’t because she WASN’T bubbly and filled with enough joy for you, so now I’m disliking you even more for that.

So he starts off with telling Caila that she smiles a lot, but he’s guessing that she’s also smiled through some really tough times. And I’m already SO BORED WITH THIS CONVERSATION I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT. He basically pulls the “be open and vulnerable with me” Bachelor trick, and Caila’s like, “I don’t know if I’m 100% ready to do that” and that she feels a little put on the spot, which, admittedly, RESPECT. I feel like more people should just be all, “YO, I’m not gonna tell you my sad stories until I’m ready to, also because, according to the hallowed history of this show, most people who do tend to get dumped right after.” Ben’s like, “I’m not asking you to tell me your deepest darkest secrets”…except, yes you WERE, and Caila’s like, “I feel like that is what you’re asking me to do right now” and Ben is all “NO!” (like, seriously, we’re starting see a whiny, back-tracking, lil’ bit demanding side of Ben that I’m not digging). “I just need to know that I can be someone for you or not,” he defends.

THEN Caila says some bullshit about how she feels like she’s in love with him, but her fear is that she can’t totally, completely fall in love with somebody. “Your greatest fear is that you’re unloveable, and my greatest fear might be breaking your heart.”

Smooth move, Caila. SMOOTH. MOVE. You might be crazy, but maybe you’re not dumb?

“It doesn’t feel right,” she adds. “It feels like I’m going to hurt you.”

Ben tells us that he’s so confused – that she’s saying that she might be in love with him, but that she also might hurt him, and that he thinks she might be going home later tonight, though not by his choice.

Meanwhile, back at the suite, the group date card comes, and it includes everybody except Emily and Olivia. Which also means that Leah is on the group date, which she is not happy about. Olivia notes that she doesn’t want to be with Emily on the 2-on-1 – “She’s YOUNG. She’s like a bird. I don’t give a fuck.”

Uh, first of all, Emily is 23, and YOU are ALSO 23, which means that either you’re lying about your age (possible. I think Olivia is more a 25 or a maybe even a 26 than a 23) or you’re just being super condescending.

Although, to be fair…Emily seems more like she’s 18 than 23, too, so.

Also, I barely care about either of you, so I don’t even know why I’m wasting time on this comment.

So back to Ben and Caila and the most stimulating conversation ever:

“What exactly are you feeling? Do you not think I’m the right person for you?” Ben asks.
“I feel…I feel like the stars are heaven, and the moon is a coin. And when you put them together, you have astral projection, you know? Or maybe that’s not it…I feel like, maybe, my body is like a rocket, but my brain is like a fire, and when you light one up, the other one goes with it. Do you understand?”
Ben nods.
“And also, I’m a really confusing person,” Caila says, grabbing his hand. “I don’t want you to be confused, though. I feel like…when I speak, I want the truth to be said, and I bought a ticket to the world, but even though I’m always on time, I’m never in line for dreams, you know?”
“I do,” Ben replies. “I know this much is true.”
“And that’s the sound of my soul,” Caila says, shrugging and sitting back in her seat.

“Even though Caila is a confusing person,” Ben tells us, “I think that’s a good thing.” He pauses, then adds, “And also, I love Spandau Ballet.”

Honestly, though, I feel like Caila could start speaking in tongues and Ben would just shake his head in awe at us and whisper about how she’s so sexy, so none of what she says even matters anyway.

Ben later tells us that he actually likes that Caila can be confusing, because it means that she’s not just the smily, bubbly, energetic girl that everyone likes to be around. OH GOOD, COOL, BEN, SO GLAD YOU FOUND SOMEONE WHO IS SMILY AND BUBBLY AND ENERGETIC BUT IS ALSO SUPER DUMB AND CRAZY AND CONFUSING AND ACTUALLY NOT THAT SMART OTHERWISE SHE WOULD MAKE SENSE WITH WORDS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WORDS ARE ACTUALLY FOR, IT’S EVEN WHY THEY WERE GIVEN TO THE HUMAN RACE IN THE FIRST PLACE, TO HELP US MAKE SENSE OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS WHEN COMMUNICATING WITH OUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS.

(also, props for this shout-out to Erika’s RHOBH tagline)

So anyway, he gives her the date rose, and then I get pissed because I notice all the wine that hasn’t even been drank yet and some people in America would be VERY GRATEFUL for that wine and not let it to go to waste but obviously not THESE SPOILED JERKS WHO APPARENTLY CAN JUST LET A FULL GLASS OF WINE JUST SIT THERE, UNDRANKEN, AND NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT HOW THEY MIGHT BE HURTING THE WINE-POOR OF AMERICA.

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Anyway, that’s it, The End (thank god).

The Bay of Pigs Invasion

Also, sidenote: Does anyone else have a really hard time not getting “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel in their heads when they hear “Bay of Pigs”? Or is it maybe just me, since my 5th grade teacher Mr. Nelson basically spent a whole week dissecting each lyric/historical event with us, and (up until that point) it was basically the best week of my entire life? And yes, – much like “Faith” by George Michael, “Kiss Me Deadly” by Lita Ford, and “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard…it was a crazy, crazy year in my life where I didn’t have any friends and just watched MTV in my spare time – I still totally have that entire song memorized.

And like, why wasn’t THAT the song that ended the entire Mad Men series, you know? The entire show’s premise was practically based on that song/video.

Anyway.

Group date time! The girls meet Ben on the dock, and Lauren B. is looking 100 in that bikini ensemble:

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They all get in the boat and start downing shots and tropical drinks, there’s some speculation about sharks, and they start rolling toward an island, and then THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENS!!

It’s PIGGIES! IT’S SWIMMING PIGGIES IN THE WATER!

Ben tells them that “The unpredictability of life has come upon us” –

And announces that they’re going to swim with piggies and feed them hot dogs made of chicken (this whole date feels like a little bit of a slap in the face towards Jubilee, tho, tbh) and I am so delighted I can’t even make words. I’m not even going to recap this part of the date, you guys, because it’s so good I don’t even want to sully it with language, so instead just enjoy every single GIF and Vine that happened:

It’s basically 5 minutes of squealing – both the girls AND the pigs – and hilarity ensuing when the pigs chase and jump on the girls for those hot dogs. OMG I LOVED IT SO MUCH.

Meanwhile, back at the suite, someone has given Emily a phone again. WHY ARE WE GIVING THE TWIN A PHONE? WHY ARE WE LETTING HER CALL HER OTHER TWIN? HALEY DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE ANYMORE! Bachelor producers, we really need to sit down and have a talk about the fact that, unless their name is “Jubilee”, we do not give a single shit about someone once they’re booted – not Britt, not Haley, NOT NOBODY.

So anyway, Emily tells Haley she’s going on another 2-on-1 with Olivia, Haley says other dumb stuff, The End.

Back at Pig Island, Becca notes that after the running and screaming and pig playing died down, things just got awkward. The girls noted that Ben seems to be obsessed with Lauren B, and Midwestern complains to Leah that she didn’t quit her job and come there just to be ignored because he thinks other girls are hotter.

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I mean…but you kind of did, though, you know? That’s kind of exactly why you came here.

But I’ll forgive her because she also gave me this awesome ITM shot (also, that bikini is on point):

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LOOK AT THAT PIGGIE OMG THE PIGGIE IS JUST SLEEPING IN HER ARMS LIKE A LIL’ PIGGIE BABY!

And then we see more girls giving Ben the cold shoulder – JoJo kind of walks away from him in the water, then Becca does, too, and it’s kind of hilarious in its own way because the Bachelor is finally getting a taste of his own medicine. YES, the nature of the show is that he has to take the girls on some group dates, but it’s also totally up to the Bachelor to make sure that all the girls are getting equal attention from him, and Ben has been fucking that up these past couple of weeks.

But, at the same time – you just got to swim with PIGS. In the BAHAMAS, so there’s actually not a ton to complain about when it comes down to group date scenarios you might want to be a part of.

But Ben is noticing that something’s off – thank god – and notes that he has no idea what’s going on with “these women”, and that all of a sudden, things are misfiring.

He tries to get some sympathy from JoJo, noting that all of a sudden things got weird, and JoJo’s all, “Dude. There’s one of you and six of us. What did you expect, brainiac.” And then there’s a weird interaction where JoJo says something about she’s not ___ (I couldn’t catch what she said, no matter how many times I rewinded it), and Ben’s like, “Would you tell me if you were?” And she sort of doesn’t answer, and he presses her, and she’s like, “I’m just scared, Ben!” So THEN he’s like, “JoJo. Out of everyone else here, you get it.” Does she, though? Or do you just want to believe that she does so you don’t have to feel guilty when you’re neglecting her for Lauren B? JoJo goes, “What do I get?” And Ben says, “You get that it gets awkward and that it gets hard and that it gets uncomfortable and that it doesn’t make sense sometimes, even for me, and like…you get that group dates get awkward when people, like, pull me away…”

And in this moment, I LOVE JoJo, because she LITERALLY rolls her eyes and lets out a huge exasperated sigh RIGHT in front of him.

“You understand this!” Ben whines/demands, basically ignoring her completely genuine reaction to his dumb entitled whining. NOBODY CARES, BEN. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO DATE SIX WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME.

Ben continues to whine about how he thought that this would be a fun and relaxing day – for who? Certainly not for the women, whose whole point of having to be on that group date is to get your attention and show you how fun and bubbly and upbeat they are so you’ll keep them around, a.k.a., hide their true feelings in order to make YOU feel more comfortable – but it’s not, and how do you date six women at the same time, all of whom you have feelings for, and keep them all happy?

Lauren and JoJo chat, and JoJo encourages Leah to go and talk to Ben.

So Leah does, and the conversation is really stilted – “Do you like pigs?” “Yeah, I like pigs. I like to eat pigs.” NOT EVEN KIDDING – and he asks her if she’s doing okay, and she sort of immediately starts getting teary and asks him why he would give someone else a chance to have a second one-on-one with him when he barely even knows her yet. “I feel like the group date groupie.”

 

“There’s a lot of time that we can have on group dates,” Ben tells her. NOT IF YOU’RE SPENDING THE ENTIRE TIME WITH LAUREN B, THERE ISN’T. Also, that’s not even the fucking point.

So Ben doesn’t even apologize, and is basically like, “You should be grateful to be here, make the most of this with me”, so Leah gives him a brave smile, they hug, and then Ben runs off to spend some more time with Lauren B.

The afternoon ends with pigs in the water and Lauren B telling Midwestern that Ben’s an idiot. Which I LOVE – I love when a girl gets real about how the Bachelor is fucking things up. (But what she SHOULD have done was just be all, “Cool, that convo did nothing for me, you’re being the worst, so I’m gonna bounce”)

Cocktail Hour of Lies

So it’s night time on some balcony in the middle of the Bahamas, and all the girls are feeling weird about the group date, especially Leah. She feels like she’s definitely going home unless he gets to know her, but tonight won’t be enough, so she’s looking for a way to save herself.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!

Ben shows up and announces that because he knows that today was frustrating for some people, he doesn’t want to walk away from tonight with things unsaid. He’s still butthurt that the girls didn’t just put aside all of their pesky personal feelings and make this a relaxing day for him, but he’s trying to pretend that he actually cares about what they’re feeling, so he pulls Becca aside and basically accuses of her being stand-offish.

She did a great job of explaining that everyone sort of shut down today and got inside their own heads, but the good news is that, for her, it was because she really likes him. They make out, and Ben tells us that their “conversation” really helped them move forward. If by “conversation” you mean “tonsil hockey”, then yes, I would agree.

Ben tells us that he’s learned he really needs to be more discrete when he’s spending time with each woman on the group dates – really?? You’re JUST learning that now? Have you not done one of these seasons before where you’ve been on the other side of this? – but there’s no easy way to do it! You guys, Ben is the BACHELOR, and he’s STRUGGLING, so can we all just take a step back and realize that HE’S the one we’re supposed to go easy on? C’mon, guys! Give the man who’s dating 7 women at the same time and can smash any of their hearts and send them home at the drop of a hat a BREAK for once!

Ugh, and then it’s Amanda’s turn, and Ben tells her that he likes her and what he’s feeling for her is real and even though I don’t have to hear Amanda’s voice for most of it I still can’t even stand this conversation.

Meanwhile, Leah is listening to Lauren B talk about hometown dates, and begins to crack a plan. She feels jealous of Lauren B and her connection with Ben, and feels like it should be her, Leah, instead who’s in Lauren’s coveted position. So during Leah’s time with Ben, she breaks the cardinal rule of The Bachelor – she uses her time to trash talk another girl. AND she drops all the cliches while doing it – “I think there’s one girl who’s not being real with you, and it hurts me” “I don’t want to start drama, and I don’t want to name names” etc. Then she tells Ben that it’s the one girl he has the strongest connection with, AND THEN:

Lauren B’s name is dubbed in.

I don’t know what that means, because if all she said was the girl whom Ben had the strongest connection to, he could have easily assumed Olivia or Lauren B. and maybe that was Leah’s intent, or maybe Lauren’s name just didn’t come up as organically or as story-line-smoothly as the producers wanted it to and so they dubbed it in to shorten the scene, but it was OBVIOUSLY a soundbite that was added in.

So she basically just TOTALLY throws Lauren B under the bus – for like, NO REASON –

And then, right at that moment, Lauren B totally walks in and interrupts them (good job, producer responsible, for making that excellent timing happen!). Ben tells us he doesn’t know whether to believe Leah, but it obviously puts the thought into his head. So then he basically puts Lauren B on the spot with his whole “Someone said something really bad about you but I’m not going to tell you what they said or who they are”, which is SUCH a dick move. Honestly, stop even bringing that shit up unless you’re going to call the girl out who said it. Lauren is flabbergasted, and has no way to prove to Ben that it’s untrue. So Lauren gets upset, and once again, Ben sort of whines about it and makes it about him again, wanting her to understand that stuff like that gets in his head. Great? Thanks? Fuck off, Ben. Lauren tells us that she doesn’t know who would do that to her, and that she feels like she would never use her time with Ben to talk badly about someone else (that’s be cause you know how to play this game right, lady). And I feel bad for her, because as much as I feel sorry for Leah’s one-on-one lack mentality, pulling out Lauren B’s name was a really idiotic and actually kind of evil move.

Lauren goes back to the girls and immediately starts crying, telling them that someone there tonight told Ben that she wasn’t the same with him as she was with everyone else. Leah comes walking into the room, and asks what happened. Lauren tells her, and Leah, being an idiot, is all, “Your name was brought up? Well, I didn’t say anything.”

And Becca, bless her heart, immediately grabs onto it and is like, “So Leah, you didn’t say anything about her? For someone to bring that up to Ben, that’s like…a big deal.” And Leah’s all like, “Nope.” *sips drink*

Then she digs herself a deeper grave with the cardinal liar move of “I would never be the type of person to do ___.” Only people who WOULD actually TOTALLY be that type of person to do something like that think to assert that they would never be the type of person to do that. It’s the same as saying you’re a good judge of character or that you live drama-free – people who actually are those things don’t feel the need to assert those things out loud.

So Ben waltzes in, and true to form, completely ignores the fact that Lauren has obviously been crying –

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…And announces that he’s giving the rose to the sweet person “we all know and love, Amanda.” SHOCKER – the one girl who didn’t complain and tried to pretend to Ben that everything was so great the entire day gets the rose. Good going, Ben, way to reward that HONESTY you were asking for earlier.

I’m so over this guy right now.

Lauren tells us that she has to wonder why she didn’t get the rose – why, especially when Ben went out of his way ALL day to spend extra time with her – and that it obviously had something to do with what that “someone” said about her. And then we see that she ALSO is doing the half top-knot during her ITM, and I’m momentarily distracted from her words by my desire to just smash my hand onto the top of her head –

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Ben announces that he has to say goodnight, and just smiles dopily, totally ignoring Lauren’s tear-soaked face, and walks off. Leah is happy that Lauren didn’t get a rose –

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But is still worried that she’s not going to get one for herself, and so it’s time to do something extreme.

And we all know what that means…!

Late Night Seduction Trash Talk

Amanda, Lauren, and Emily are in bed, talking about whether or not Leah was the one who threw Lauren under the bus. “Where is she right now?” Amanda asks.

Oh, just curling her eyelashes, getting ready to sneak out to creep up on Ben!

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Leah tells us that at the end of the day, the less girls who are here, the better chance she has to end up with Ben. Which…logically, yes. Your methods are a bit flawed, tho.

So Leah shows up to Ben’s room to talk to him, which is really never all that successful of a move unless you’re sneaking in to skinny dip and make out.

Lauren tells Ben that she doesn’t want to sit there and talk bad about Lauren, but then totally does just that.

She tells him that there are situations where Lauren doesn’t seem to care as much as Ben might think she cares. Which MIGHT have worked, but then Leah calls Lauren catty, which is the death knell, because no one can believe that Lauren is even remotely catty. Ben tells us that he was hoping that Leah was there to connect more, but all they’re really doing is talking about Lauren, and so there’s a “disconnect” there.

And that’s when you know he’s gonna dump her, and that all of her schemes have been for naught.

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He tells her that something just doesn’t feel right. And he tells her that he kept her because he couldn’t imagine himself saying goodbye to her, so he held onto that, but there hasn’t really been anything in their relationship since then. Which, TO BE FAIR, is not really her fault, IS IT, BEN, since she didn’t even have the chance to make anything of your relationship since you never gave her a one-on-one.

But anyway, he gently tells her that he’s going to say goodbye to her, and offers to walk her out. She gets upset and tells us that she never would have tried to take Lauren down and do what she did if she knew that she was just going to go home anyway. And I KIND of want to feel bad for her, because even though Lauren’s super sweet, I do get the thing about girls who are just sooooo perfect that everyone else just looooooves them and the guy you like always likes her the best and it can kind of drive you crazy and make you want to destroy her, you know? But Leah should really be smart enough to know that you have to super pre-meditated about a take-down like that, and that a defamation of a girl whose natural character is as flawless as Lauren’s takes a certain amount of time and a LOT of stealth.

But also: Sorry, girl. You should’ve just let Ben do what Ben does and then won the sympathy of America and parlayed that into a lucrative travel blog or something.

AND ALSO YEAH WHAT ABOUT THAT BLACK EYE THING YOU CAN’T TEASE US WITH THIS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON, ABC, AND THEN NOT GIVE US ANY ANSWERS!

THE DOUBLE DATE ON MISERY ISLAND by Amber L. Carter

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It’s time for the 2-on-1, and Olivia is almost giddy, because this is the closest to a one-on-one she’s had so far and it’s time that she gets to spend with the man she knows she’s going to marry. “We’ve been writing our love story this entire time,” she tells us.

Oh, Olivia.

I almost feel bad for you right now.

Both she and Emily get their suitcases ready and place them by the door, and then they walk their boobs out to the waiting SUV.

Ben meets up with them on a dock and then basically takes them on a boat ride from hell – it’s windy, it’s gusty, the boat is going so fast they all look like they’re going to fall overboard:

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And they dock at some deserted island, and 5 minutes in it’s already the shittiest date ever. Like, a 2-on-1 date is worse enough, but usually they at least do something kind of interesting and cool – except, of course, when Chris took Kelsey and Kardashely to sit around on some bullshit canopy bed in the fucking Badlands – but to take them to a deserted island in the middle of nowhere on a totally shitty day is lowering that bar significantly.

So not wanting to waste time, Ben asks Olivia if he can stea-

“YESSS!” She yells, before he can even finish his sentence. They go over and sit and talk about last week, and Olivia makes the age-old case about not jiving with the girls because she’s real and she doesn’t see the point of going out of her way to make friends with girls she wouldn’t be friends with in real life. And THEN, she pulls a Kelsey by telling Ben that she knows she comes off as intimidating to people because she knows who she is – she likes news! And politics! And religion! And just…deep…intellectual…things…are her JAM (dear lord).

And she’s come to a lot of really amazing realizations lately. “Like what?” Ben asks.
“Like I’m in love with you.”

The face of love.

The face of love.

Ben then rewards that admission with some really weird, awkward, bird-like pecks, which is NOT the kind of kiss you normally give to someone who just professed their love to you.

I almost feel bad. Because now we’ve gone from conceited to just straight-up delusional.

Ben goes off to talk to Emily, and I feel like I could not be more disinterested in their conversation.

UNTIL Emily makes a big, long-winded speech about how she wants today to just be about Ben validating her. Then I tune in for just a second, and then tune back out and look at my tweets.

Olivia then tells us how there’s a lot of pressure on this date for Emily, and that’s when I stop feeling sorry for her and start feeling happy again that she’s about to get dumped. The gang gets back to together on the deserted beach, and Ben asks Olivia if he can talk to her for a second. It’s almost painful, how cheerful she is when she replies, “Sure! Where would you like to go?? Over here?!”

Ben and Olivia go off a few feet away from Emily, and Olivia tells us that she could not feel better about their conversation earlier, and that she almost feels bad for Emily, who just has to sit there while Ben gives her this rose. Ben starts off with, “So today…” and Olivia is all, “YES?!” And I’m just watching, transfixed, so amazed that all of my Olivia loathing has led to this, this perfect moment, where she thinks she’s going to get the rose and triumph over Emily and eventually get proposed to and she’s got it in the bag when actually SHE IS ABOUT TO GET DUMPED SO HARDCORE IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS WONDEROUS MOMENT AND ALSO FOR CREATING THE UNIVERSE THAT CONTAINS IT.

Also, it’s so loud and windy and the weather conditions are so freaking miserable that it’s kind of hilarious, but Ben still tells her in the midst of a goddamn gale that he appreciated that she shared her heart and her feelings, and she’s just like, “Yeah? Yeah? Yeah!” –

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But that he’s not there yet and he doesn’t quite see himself getting there.

And because I am not a goddamn monster, I start to feel bad when her face falls and she realizes that he’s dumping her there on Misery Island.

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Because you know she had absolutely no idea, you know? Like he had been 100% validating her up until the cake incident, really, and even after that he was still giving her the date rose the night he sent Jubilee home.

Ben walks back to Emily and tells her that he doesn’t want to stop this journey with her, while Olivia just stands there, awkward and miserable, 20 feet away.

The luggage intern comes and rolls Olivia’s suitcase from the suite while the other girls watch, and they gasp over how confident Olivia was going into the date, and that they can’t imagine what she’s feeling right now.

AND THEN IT’S LITERALLY JUST A FIVE MINUTE SHOT OF OLIVIA STANDING ON THE SHORE, WATCHING EMILY AND BEN BOAT OFF WHILE WE LISTEN TO HER SOB AND ASK, “WHAT JUST HAPPENED?”, FOLLOWED BY MORE PLAINTIVE SOBBING.

All of this, with all of the crying.

All of this, with all of the crying.

It’s so incredibly epic that if this episode DOESN’T win an Emmy of some sort, there will be pig rioting in the streets.

The Cocktail Party That Never Was

Ben’s feeling beat down and exhausted! He’s always felt like there was a light at the end of this tunnel, but now he feels like he’s losing some of the women, and what if all of this is for nothing?

So he stands at a rocky point by the ocean in the middle of a hurricane and decides that he just doesn’t have a cocktail party in him.

Which is bad news for Lauren and Midwestern, who both feel the need to talk to him after an emotional week full of doubts. Chris Harrison waltzes in (NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP TO YOUR JOB, CHRIS) and announces that Ben has decided to cancel the cocktail party, and they’re going straight into a rose ceremony. “I did not expect that,” Becca says, even though it LITERALLY happens at least once every single season, and this is her second season, so she should totally know to expect it. JoJo starts crying because she was hoping to talk to Ben and now she’s scared, even though all of America is all, “You have NOTHING to worry about. You’re beautiful. Your hair is perfect. You have a tolerable personality even. Dry those eyes.”

Rose Ceremony begins, and Ben apologizes to the women for skipping over the cocktail party, but says that it would just add to the confusion after an already-confusing week. Like a sadist, he leaves the two Lauren’s for last (Lauren B and Midwestern). He calls Lauren B’s name, which means Midwestern is out. “I just don’t really get it,” she tells us, after Ben walks her out to the waiting SUV. “Why is it so hard to fall in love?”

Nobody knows, Lauren. Nobody knows. But buck up – you’re blonde, you’re a kindergarten teacher, you’re from the Midwest, you were just on TV! You’ll probably be married to Chris Bukowski before you know it!

And THEN we get to see a preview of the rest of the season, which is a LOT of tears, more beaches, Ben playing with Amanda’s dumb daughters, and a bunch of teary talking from Ben about how he’s in love with two women, which apparently is going to “change everything” according to Chris Harrison (it will change nothing). We see Ben pulling out a phone during the final rose ceremony, which makes it SEEM like he’s calling another girl to come back, but anyone who’s smart knows that he’s probably just calling his mom.

So anyway. Cool! I feel like we went through a lot together this week – so many emotions! So many highs! So many lows! So many tears! So much sweet, sweet satisfaction at those tears! PIGGIES SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN!

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Check back on Friday for the Live Tweets Edition – there are a lot of REALLY GOOD TWEETS that I saved for it, so you won’t want to miss it. You can follow me on Twitter, keep up wit’ my Facebook Page, or subscribe to my once-a-week email newsletter instead of hoofing it over here every other day to see what’s up), and I’ll be creepin’ on all your live tweets tonight via my Bachelor Master List, which you can also follow. Until then, bachelor babes, keep it 100 on the hot tubs, bikinis, and wine-soaked tears!

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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