‘The Bachelor’, Season 20, E4: A Puppet, A Panic, Olivia’s Gone Manic

Welcome, Bachelor Babes, to another episode of The Bachelor: Ben Is Sweet! 

In case you missed it, this week was the inaugural edition of the Bachelor Monday Link Buffet. Check it out if you’re feeling the need to round out your Bachelor experience with 10 somewhat-related-to-The-Bachelor articles, podcasts, and videos.

And with that, let’s begin our recap!

Las Vegas Is The Perfect Place To Gamble Binge Drink Sleep With Strangers Meet a Kardashian Inhale Second-Hand Smoke Fall In Love! 

It’s week four and the ladies are EXHAUSTED. They’ve been doing so much binge drinking and pool swimming and athleisure-outfit wearing and insidiously-racially-motivated bullying that they are BEAT. And who can blame them? I can fully attest to the fact that lying around all day, drinking mimosas, and gossiping behind people’s backs takes a LOT out of you!

Caila tells us that there’s a lot of nervous energy in the house…Jubilee is shutting down a little bit – wonder why? could it be because all the girls in the house tried to gang up on her in what shall go down in history as one of the most disturbing girl-on-girl crimes in Bachelor history? – and that she still can’t tell the difference between the Twins (LOL), and that Olivia is…confident?

Or delusional, depending on who’s talking.

Olivia tells us that Ben is her man at this point, she’s never been more sure, and that they are amazing together!

Which could be true. I’m also super amazing with anyone if I only have to spend 15 minutes alone with them every week.

Harrison comes in and announces that Ben isn’t in LA anymore…he’s gone to “The Marriage Capital of the World” (LOL ORILLY. Vegas is the marriage capital of the world the way that this show is the relationship show of the world…you can play to win, but it doesn’t mean you’ll get to keep the prize), and that the ladies are off to join him in Las Vegas!

The ladies screech and cheer and gush about the trip the way a normal person might gush about going to Paris (or literally any other European destination – pick any one!).

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I mean…I get why Becca’s excited, because her experience of a romantic Bachelor destination on Soule’s season was fucking South Dakota, but for the rest of them…Vegas? You can literally fly there from almost anywhere in the country for less than $200. And I apologize to anyone reading this who considers it the city of their heart, but Vegas is basically like a 12-block-long Mall of America, only you can smoke (and fully rock a fanny pack with little to no shame) while walking through it.

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Like, seriously, Jennifer and Rachel are the only ones who have a reasonable reaction to a free trip to Vegas.

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Olivia, though, is FREAKING OUT ABOUT VEGAS! Viva la Vegas, you guys!

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She’s going to whisper in Ben’s ear that she wants a one-on-one, and she wants to see Celine Dion.

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Besides the fact that it literally wouldn’t even matter if you did that because these dates were planned 3 months ago, did you not just spend $40,000 on new clothes for this show? Can’t you just go to Vegas and see Celine Dion yourself? Also, what a fun future Ben has to look forward to with a girl like that…pick any dream date in Vegas, and she chooses Celine Dion! That’s like having a boyfriend take you to Paris but only to see a sporting event.

Ben, for his part, drives around in his vintage convertible and tells us that Vegas is a place where people do get married, it’s a place where people do find love! Like, where in Vegas is this actually happening? Not even in the MOVIES do most people find love in Vegas. They go to Vegas to fall OUT of love, or to purposefully die from drinking themselves to death.

The girls arrive in Vegas, still irrationally excited to be there –

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…and walk around, seeing the sights – the neon lights, the water show at the Bellagio, and then are greeted with a marquee sign that apparently, according to JoJo, is SO romantic. “Pretty sure every one of us kind of fell in love in that moment.”

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With the producers? With the marquee? With the miraculous invention of neon electricity and switch boards? What exactly are you falling in love with? Ben basically just sent a late-night “R U up?” mass text to you and 15 other girls all at once.

Which apparently is really exciting to some girls?

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Jesus. Are the producers giving them DRUGS? What is going ON??

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Then there’s some clever promotional Aria Suites positioning, with Leah telling us that she feels “baller” (no, girl. No.) for getting to stay there, and it’s all thanks to Ben (or ABC?).

The date card arrives, and it’s JoJo, who also happens to be sporting some on-point nail game. Olivia is visibly disappointed, but tells us that she’s not worried, because Ben is her “peace”…she’s Zen With Ben.

She’s good, guys! She’s totally, totally GOOD.

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OMG SHE’S SO GOOD NOT WORRIED AT ALL.

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The Most Boring One-On-One Date In The History of The Bachelor

Morning time!

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The Twins are walking on a treadmill together, which is just another example of how they share EVERYTHING together – a house, a car, a job (what job?? WHAT JOB DO YOU HAVE? WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SUCH A MYSTERY?), and now Ben! It would be SO COOL if they got a one-on-one (wait…wouldn’t that be a 2-on-one? Or are they actually the same person but we’re just seeing double? Is this maybe one of those things where we don’t actually see something for what it is because our minds are not used to seeing it – like those undiscovered insects and reptiles in the Amazon that we’ve been literally blind to for thousands of years because our minds don’t know how to perceive them (see, I read stuff) – and they’re actually the same person but in two different manifestations of time that have somehow morphed together on the same physical plane? QUANTUM PHYSICS, Y’ALL, IT’S A REAL THING) so they could show Ben around Vegas, they tell us.

Yeah. I bet that would be SUPER fun for Ben, TOO!

Anyway: Ben shows up for his date with JoJo, and America is treated once again to The Many Faces of Olivia:

Her eyes in that middle pic are literally terrifying.

Her eyes in that middle pic are literally terrifying.

JoJo feels so lucky and special to be going on this date with Ben –

And it all pays off when she and Ben go have a VERY romantic glass of champagne in the middle of a rooftop parking lot:

I can't wait until the love of my life takes a page from this book and sets up a bar table for us in the Arizona section of the Mall of America parking lot!

I can’t wait until the love of my life takes a page from this book and sets up a bar table for us in the Arizona section of the Mall of America parking lot!

…and then their “ride” shows up (Ben loves that line, doesn’t he? If he has a line he’s practiced in the mirror, it’s “Hey, I think our ride is here!” any time a helicopter takes to the sky). The helicopter knocks over the table and champagne (good going, INTERNS) –

JoJo jokingly asks Ben how her hair looks, and he ends up making out with her behind the table (which now knocked onto its side)…

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Which the other women see from their suite:

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They’re jealous of the date and the kiss. I’m only jealous that Amber gets to drink hotel coffee, because that shit is THE BEST.

Ben and JoJo make out a bunch on their helicopter tour of Vegas, and once again, I’m distracted by her strong nail polish game:

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Then go sit on a couch in a hotel suite somewhere and don’t eat any dinner and talk about JoJo has been hurt before!

Talk about non-stop romance!

Talk about non-stop romance!

 

The only remotely interesting about this conversation is that JoJo doesn’t use any specific pronouns and vaguely insinuates that she was either cheated on or was the one that someone cheated on *with*, so Bachelor Twitter went CRAZY with speculation over whether it was a relationship with a girl or if she was a side piece.

Then back at the suite, the date card comes, and it’s a group date, which everyone is on except Becca. This is literally Olivia’s reaction to not getting a one-on-one:

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Then there’s fireworks!

Which one of the Twins calls “SO extravagant!” and talks about how she would love to stand on a rooftop and watch fireworks going off in the sky over her own town.

I just…like…YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR YOURSELF. You LIVE in Vegas – SURELY there is SOMEONE that you know that can TELL YOU how to do these things so that you can experience them. It’s not like Ben is given special permission to have sex inside the Egyptian pyramids…fireworks happen in Vegas ALL THE TIME. There are a BILLION hotel rooftops that I’m sure you get access to.

Like, have the Twins ever even been to a fancy restaurant?

Oh, and Olivia talks about how it’s hard knowing that Ben and JoJo are watching the fireworks and kissing and that Ben feels like her husband and that him being with JoJo feels like she’s getting cheated on.

Easy there, slugger.

Easy there, slugger.

And then that’s the end. That’s LITERALLY the end to this whirl-wind one-on-one Las Vegas date.

The Part In The Show That Inspires All of America to Turn Inwardly & Self-Reflect On What Their Talent Would Be (& Then Tweet About It As If Anyone Else Even Remotely Cares)

Group date time! The Twins pose for their Sears Seasonal Portrait and talk about how cute Ben is, and I am once again mesmerized by how much their faces resemble a badger:

badger

And how, even when they’re talking about how cute Ben is, their expressions are still ones of perpetual disgust:

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The ladies find Ben standing somewhere in the middle of Vegas (The Capital of MARRIAGE!) and he leads them through a billion lobbies and then to a theater. Midwestern speculates that they’re going to be do something with Showgirls, and that it might have something to do with nipple tassels, “Which would not be good.” Olivia, for her part, tells us that while she had a bad time yesterday watching Ben kiss JoJo, which sucked, but “Today, I’m strong, I’m intimidating, Olivia’s the front runner! Let’s get back to business.”

Referring to oneself in the third person while ALSO declaring that you’re both intimidating and the front-runner? I can’t wait to see how America embraces you after this season, Olivia!

Ben tells us that he really wants a woman who doesn’t take herself too seriously. And also doesn’t care when he lets that facial hair get to Jared status:

Like, WTF is going on here

Like, WTF is going on here

The group walks into a theater, and surprise! It’s Terry Fator, a ventriloquist! WHO, according to CAILA (who watched him on TV growing up!) is amazing AND hilarious.

Caiia, whenever I think you might be a little bit more winsome, you totally ruin it with admissions like that. Why are you such a DORK.

Also, fun fact about me:

List of Things I Loathe & Will Absolutely Refuse to Sit Through
Magic Shows
Clown Shows
Contortionists
Curling Competitions
Ventriloquists

One of the Twins also tells that she’s been lucky enough to sit through one of his shows, and that he’s “absolutely amazing.”

Excuse me.

Britney is amazing.

Cher is amazing.

Even Barry Manilow is amazing, in a sort of weird voyeuristic dear God what happened to his FACE kind of amazing.

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A puppet show that was not written or directed by my husband Jason Segel? NOT AMAZING.

Amanda is basically me right now:

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Terry announces that they’re going to have a talent show, which sends everyone (but the twins) into a tailspin – they HAVE no talent! Absolutely NO talent at all!

The twins, however, know how to do Irish tap dance, and Jubilee plays the cello, BECAUSE OF COURSE JUBILEE PLAYS THE CELLO AMERICA THIS IS WHAT A REAL ACTUALIZED PERSON LOOKS AND FEELS AND LIVES LIKE.

There’s a rack of costumes on stage, and the girls go wild trying to find something to both wear and do during the talent show. Midwestern puts on a chicken costume, there’s some juggling, the Twins practice their jig…it’s a Fame free-for-all!

Olivia picks out a showgirl’s outfit, and the Twins comment that they don’t know what Olivia’s talent is beyond “being the center of attention” (LOL) and “talking a lot” (LOLZ X 2). Olivia and Ben sit together and look at her red sequined bikini bottoms and he murmurs something about how she’s talented at looking good, and she tells him that she’s going to show him “another side” to her.

This is gonna be good.

Then she uses the words “shimmy shimmy” a lot and tells us that she even shaved that morning!

And then she gives us a little preview of what we can look forward to when SHE PERFORMS IN FRONT OF 1200 PEOPLE ON A VEGAS STAGE:

And it is then that we learn that *this* talent show?

IS GONNA BE SO, SO GREAT.

And Now I Just Want Cake.

Talent show time!

Olivia has no doubt that she’s going to stand out at this talent show, and she’s just REALLY excited to get up there for Ben!

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And just to BE around Ben, you know? No, maybe you don’t know…let’s let Olivia put it a little more eloquently:

I love the way she shakes her head at us after that in-depth explanation like, “What about Bam-sha-bam do you NOT get?”

Ben’s excited, too!

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The ladies perform a range of talents, from juggling to hula-hooping in heels to playing the cello to catching food in their mouths while they pogo stick on stage to telling jokes in a chicken suit to showing off their back hand in tennis to showing off their bikini bod while doing an exotic dance (Caila, you’re not as dumb as you talk):

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(For the record, I look WAY more adorable in a chicken costume):

Chicken dance

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To, FINALLY, popping out of a cake and performing what is honestly one of the most awkward, non-sexist, cringe-worthy dances in the entire history of Vegas:

Yeah. It’s that bad. And once again, Amanda is me: Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 6.42.22 PM

This one time, when I was in the 1st grade, I REALLY wanted to be in the school talent show because even at that young age I LOVED attention and forcing everyone to drop what they were doing and watch what I’M doing, but I didn’t have any specific routines planned. I had been in dance class, obviously, but had long been kicked out of it for talking to much (like, the teacher literally gave my mom all of her money back, telling her that she couldn’t take it since I had talked so much that I hadn’t actually learned anything)…AND I knew I had the voice of an angel, but could barely stretch my vocal cords before my dad was yelling across the house at me to shut up, so I knew I would have to come up with something on the fly. So the night of the talent show, I’m called up on stage in front of a packed room of parents, and I take a deep breath, open my mouth, and belt out the most beautiful personalized cover of “The Wheels On The Bus” you’ve ever heard IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. The entire room was so stunned by my talent that it took them at least 3 minutes after I had gotten off stage before they remembered to clap.

And even then, that performance was better than Olivia’s dancing.

Ben agrees:

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Olivia takes a seat (finally), and it obvious from her face that she knows how completely terrible she was. When the girls go backstage, she starts to get upset, until she’s having a full-blown faux panic attack. Rachel is with her, and after Olivia complains that she can’t have just one minute alone, they literally duck into the Boyz II Men’s dressing room to duck the cameras.

And it’s ON!

Manic Panic

So Olivia is in the Boyz II Men’s dressing room, crying to Rachel about how she’s completely mortified about her performance, and that she could tell that Ben was completely mortified by her performance, and she’s there to be marriage material, and her little dance ruined that for her.

And, like…I don’t like her, but I think we’ve all been in situations where we’ve done something embarrassing or humiliating in front of the person we liked, and, in hind sight, overreacted a little bit to how we might have come off in their eyes. For me, it was getting into a drunken makeout sitch with Matt The Elder the night before I was supposed to go on a 4th or 5th date with Jordan The Young, whom I really liked and even though we hadn’t had The Exclusive Talk or had even slept together yet I knew he would not be cool with finding out that I had made out with a guy literally the night before our date and would probably break things off if he found out, and so I basically had a teary, panicky, emotional-hang-over type breakdown that afternoon in front my friend Lace. So I get it.

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I still don’t like her. But I get it.

The group date heads to the fountain area of the Mirage – which is a nice step up from the nondescript hotel patio settings of group dates past – and Caila and Ben go off on their own, where the camera guy weirdly films their feet and the sidewalk for, like, half a minute:

Like, why do we have to watch this?

Like, why do we have to watch this?

Then they sit down and Caila immediately announces, “I’m just gonna go for it” and swings her legs over Ben’s and kisses him. They make out, and Ben tells us that Caila is like a “sex panther” which makes me seriously question his virginity. Like, are we 100% SURE that he’s not a virgin?

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Then he brings a puppet with during his time with Midwestern, who kisses the puppet and then Ben, which is a nice reprieve from having to listen to her talk in that accent.

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Olivia, according to the other girls, “is on another level tonight.” She’s super worried that her talent show performance is going to get her sent home, and that she screwed up. She pulls Ben aside and basically moans for five minutes about how awful her talent show performance was and how she’s so embarrassed about it.

What you need to be embarrassed about is that hair and that outfit.

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Ben tries to tell her that it was funny, she continues to fish for more compliments, and then his face lights up when one of the Twins shows up to interrupt them. Olivia walks away feeling “not good”. “What happened?” she asks us, as she literally puts her fingers in her mouth and stares at the camera for a full five minutes. “I’m scared.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOT SO CONFIDENT AND INTIMIDATING AND FRONT-RUNNER MATERIAL ANYMORE, ARE WE, OLIVIA?

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Eat it.

More Group Date Boringness

Olivia comes back to the group and proceeds to eat her feelings by stuffing down some canapés, and Lauren B. and Ben have some more boring but adorable time together where they kiss a lot and talk about how their one-on-one could be their last first date ever (I mean. MAYBE. But statistically? Probably not).

Olivia keeps being neurotic about how her conversation went and tells us that she needs to go to bed feeling good about her and ben, and I literally just need her to go to bed (but not before washing all of that hair spray out of her hair, because goddammit). She “400% needs to talk to Ben again.” She stands up and there’s a literally a shot of this:

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The girls notice that Olivia is creeping up on Emily’s time, and Caila takes this opportunity to show off her amazing puppet-master skillz, which basically consists of her going, “Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!” PUT DOWN THE PUPPET, CAILA, OR WE’LL PUT IT DOWN FOR YOU.

So Olivia interrupts Emily, which pisses Emily off and annoys Ben, and Olivia ski-dances up to Ben and tells him that she just wants to start over, that she feels like before “just wasn’t me.” This one time, the summer after I graduated from high school, my friend Kimmy and I decided to join the Miss Red Wing pageant together, mainly because I wanted to be in a bunch of parades and she wanted to win scholarship money. And one of the judging components was to do a sort of speed-dating round with each judge, where they asked you the hard questions about current events (totally smoked that part) and what you would tell someone if they asked why they should come visit Red Wing. One of the judges was really nice but I felt like I had stumbled over my answer, so, because it was an option, I asked if I could have a do-over. I was ushered back to his table and he asked me why I wanted to try again and I told him that I just didn’t feel like I gave him my best answer, and he told me that I had actually given one of the best answers out of all the other girls, and he was surprised by my lack of confidence. WHICH BASICALLY MEANT THAT I HAD JUST RUINED HIS IMPRESSION OF ME. I ended up getting 6th place (which is not a place, but out of 20-some girls was pretty damn decent, especially since one of the girls got kicked off the court for drinking over the summer HAHAHAHAHA ANGIE MAHONY THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR GOING AFTER CURTIS FROM WANAMINGO AFTER YOU FOUND OUT THAT I LIKED HIM AND THAT HE LIKED ME BECAUSE YOU’RE THE KIND OF GIRL WHO ALWAYS HAD TO WIN NO MATTER WHO IT HURT AND ALSO JUST FOR THE RECORD YOU ONLY GOT CHEERLEADING MVP BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER SENIOR CHEERLEADERS HAD ALREADY DROPPED OUT OF CHEERLEADING BY THEN SO GOOD JOB ON WINNING A TROPHY THAT DIDN’T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING.

Anyway, it taught me that even if you think you did a horrible job on your first go-round, it’s kind of like your first answer on a test – it’s always better to just leave it, take a deep breath, and move onto the next.

Anyway, he gives the rose to Lauren B. and the highlight of the night is they have to reach over Amanda to have an awkward hug.

Look at Amanda's FACE

Look at Amanda’s FACE

Also, this:

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??? What was her talent? WAS IT SO BORING THAT WE DIDN’T EVEN GET TO SEE IT??

Also, I can’t even believe that we’re still only halfway through the episode. Goddamn. I’ve been watching/working on this since 2, it’s already 9 PM, I still have an hour and a half of actual book-writing to get done tonight before I can go to bed )not mention that I haven’t even SEEN this week’s Vanderpump Rules yet and STASSI IS COMING BACK YOU GUYS)…go buy something on Amazon real quick to make me feel better. Like maybe this, or even this. Just something – not for me, but for YOU, which is kind of still for me (I need that 10 cent credit on my gift card so I can buy me some of this for the next time I write one of these things).

Goin’ To The Chapel & We’re Gonna Get Fake Maaaaarrrriiieeeed

The next morning is Becca’s one-on-one with Ben, and a big box arrives with Becca’s name on it. Whaddaya know, it’s a white wedding dress!

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“How do you feel?” One of the girls asks, after Becca puts it on, which I find hilarious. Jubilee pulls out some well-deserved levity when she comments that Becca is the perfect person to wear that white dress, and that if she hasn’t lost her virginity in 26 years, she’s probably not going to lose it in the next 6 hours.

Go Jubes!

A pink Cadillac convertible pulls up to the hotel to usher Becca to the Vegas Wedding Chapel. “I have no idea what’s going to happen on this date,” Becca tells us.

I mean. She’s pretty, sweet, pure…it’s almost like expecting her to be smart would be too much, you know? She has enough already.

She also tells us that it’s been very different this season, ” and I know that’s just because of who Ben is as a person and how I feel about him.”

DISS ON CHRIS! DIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS ON CHRISSSSSSSSS!

She arrives at the chapel to find Ben in a tux. He drops to one knee and asks her she’ll “marry…other people today”. “Whaaaat?” she asks, looking around as if she’s being Punk’d.

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Again – why does she have to be smart?

Ben tells her that he’s been ordained and that they’re going to be marrying other people! WHAT A FUN DATE FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Becca acts like she just won the damn Powerball. “What? WHAT? Are you SERIOUS??”

I just don’t think I get virgins, you guys. You know? Like I just don’t think we’re existing in the same dimension.

So they both change for unknown reasons into more causal outfits that don’t make sense for ordaining someone’s ACTUAL WEDDING and also that plus this whole backdrop/chapel decor thing makes them look like a young attractive televangelism couple from the late ’60s, which gives me a weird Manson Family vibe and I don’t like it.

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So I literally just take this time to edit my screen grabs, because I don’t even like watching the wedding ceremony of people I care about, much less total strangers on TV.

That evening, they arrive at the Vegas Neon Museum, which is admittedly cool. Ben has questions for Becca: Can she love? Can she feel? Can she commit? Does being a virgin mean what he thinks it means? Like is it straight up Virgin virgin or is it more like Bible Camp Virgin, where you can do everything but penis-in-vagina and still be okay if you pray together a lot and insist that you’re being “stretched” by this relationship? Or is it the kind of Virgin everyone thinks exists but actually doesn’t exist where she’ll supposedly let you do it in the butt because she doesn’t know about birth control and so she’s more a virgin for practical, non-pregnant reasons?

These are the questions on Ben’s mind, and he doesn’t want to wait, you guys! He wants to find them out tonight!

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So their conversation basically consists of more Chris Disses (yesssss!), Ben telling her, “It’s good to feel” –

and regarding their respective sexual histories. If you’ve never been part of the Christian College / Bible Camp world, then you might not have gotten just how important this conversation is, because it is a BIG DEAL to a lot of Christian couples that they’re BOTH virgins when they marry. Like, I’ve seen girls legit cry for days and even think seriously about breaking up with or breaking off their engagement to guys who have confessed to a “just the tip” slip-up in high school (and don’t even get me started on the guys…there’s so much double standard bullshit going down in that area that we will literally be here all night). For instance, when I was in college / at camp, there was this really popular book called ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ and it pretty much illustrated + preached about everything totally lame about being young and single in that culture – basically, don’t even hold hands until you know you’ve found your wife, and don’t kiss her until you’re at the altar (I know a couple who did this, but they were also only engaged for, like, 3 months).

I, myself, refused to kiss dating goodbye…I wasn’t even actually dating anyone, but I still refused to kiss it goodbye.

Anyway! The good news is that even though Ben is NOT a virgin, Becca isn’t bothered about it, and Ben of course thinks it’s totally rad that Becca can commit to her beliefs in such a strong way. They also use the term “jumping bones” during this convo, which was not as hilarious as that might sound. Becca tells Ben, “I really like you”, and then they suck face. It’s honest, simple (real, REAL simple), and sweet, just like them.

Ugh, and then they decide to play off their wedding-themed date and make a couple vows to each other. Stuff like always look into each other’s eyes, take each other on the coolest dates possible, and to let Ben do it in the butt during the Fantasy Suite so he knows that Becca’s in this.

“I never would have let Chris do it in the butt,” Becca beams to Ben and us as she proudly holds up the date rose.

The End!

In It 2 Twin It

The next morning, Becca’s telling some girls about her date when Chris Harrison walks in.

Chris announces that Ben would like to take the Twins out on a 2-on-1 date in their own hometown. Um. How fucking BORING? You go through the entire process of getting on this show only to have what’s probably going to be your only date in your own hometown WITH YOUR SISTER? You gotta be kidding me. They should sue and buy some new clogs!

Midwest, meanwhile, is gobsmacked by the possibilities of this date: “Is he going to keep both of them? Is he going to keep one of them? Is he going to send both of them home? Does he even know them well enough?” Is he going to wear socks to dinner? Will he be wearing a belt on the date? How many fingers is he holding up – it is one finger, two fingers, seven fingers, do you even really know fingers?

I mean. I’m kind of angry about the moments of my life that were just wasted by that dialogue from Midwestern. I feel real, deep, hot anger towards her right now.

Ben, for his part, utters a sentence that all young males in America want to hate him for: “Dating twins at the same time has been difficult.” Really? I can’t imagine how, since you’ve already been dating 25 women you can barely tell apart who AREN’T twins.

The twins show up, both wearing black and white outfits –

Seriously. Can you not.

Seriously. Can you not.

And they all pile into the limo. “Ben!” one of them says. “This the exact way we get home.

Geez. Really romancin’ it hard on this one, huh, Ben? This is actually worse than basically all of the dates I had senior year in high school that revolved around shining deer in fields (or rather, leaning back in the truck while he leaned over me to shine a spotlight out the passenger side window and whisper to himself about how many deer there were in each field) and then meeting up with all our friends to drink beer and shoot pool in the back room of Dressen’s and then pairing up with another couple to go “roadin” (a.k.a., literally drinking and driving) to Make-Out Point (where we would then – you’ll never guess! – make out). But even though those dates weren’t exactly the epitome of romance, they were still better than this because THEY WEREN’T FIRST DATES AT MY ACTUAL HOUSE WITH MY TWIN SISTER.

They walk into the Twins house –

…Are greeted by the Twins’ mom and their dogs –

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…and then we get to see how many bottles of Pink cologne Haley has.

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Seriously girl. That’s a problem.

BUT! In this photo you might also notice how many doTERRA oils she ALSO has which I fully support because I use them too and OMG YOU GUYS I BET SELLING DOTERRA OILS IS THEIR ACTUAL JOB.

Then Ben spends some time with Emily, and talks to the Twins mom about how they’re both great but it’s getting harder and so he wants her to tell him about them from her perspective. “And also…how do you tell them apart?” He asks. “Like, really, though…how do you possibly even tell which one is which?”

Then he sits them all on the couch and tells them that this is hard because he does care…”about you, AND you,” he says, careful not to use any actual names.

“And…I’m going to have to say goodbye to Haley.”

There’s a bunch of crying – still not sure who was who, so I can’t really clarify who was crying the hardest or about what – but I DO know that one of them left in the limo with Ben while the other was left AT HER ACTUAL HOUSE, to cry sweet, sweet, blonde twin tears into her Las Vegas house furnishings.

Olivia Doesn’t Care What You Think…Olivia Is Fine, Olivia Is Great…Olivia Will Be Back To Normal Just…As Soon…As She…Kills…Again…

Time for the party! The girls are feeling a little shocked but good about one of the twins being sent home – one more chance for them to stay another week, etc, etc. Only – plot twist! – the one who got to stay, Emily, didn’t even get a rose at the end of the 2-on-1. That seems a little unjust, Ben. Not only did you basically take her back to her own house for her first “extravagant” date with you, which was basically chaperoned the whole time by her MOM, but you also took her sister with her and then dumped that sister right in front of Emily and didn’t even give Emily a rose, to boot? WTF. That kind of sounds like the worst Bachelor date ever that someone actually didn’t get sent home on.

Olivia tells us that she left the group date feeling sick to her stomach – wait…I thought you guys had a “really great conversation” in the end, and that you felt good enough about it to think you might get a rose? – and so she’s going to steal Ben RIGHT AWAY (how uncommon for you) because she’s royally screwed unless she gets a lot of time with Ben.

But WAIT! Guess who jumps in first? Jennifer! And she actually gets complimented for doing so – that’s what happens when the other ladies actually like you, Olivia. They actually support your actions in being bold and assertive. The girls even say specifically that they’re proud of Jennifer and glad it was someone other than Olivia.

Bite on THAT, big mouth.

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But alas, Jennifer is literally with Ben for about 3 minutes before Olivia gets up and interrupts them.

“I don’t care about anyone else’s relationship with Ben except for mine. I don’t care.” “Sorry, Jen,” she says, as Jennifer gets up and leaves.

You’re NOT sorry. You’re not sorry AT ALL! So why do you even pretend? Just be your damn bitchy selfish self and get on with it.

So then Olivia brings out a cheesecake and makes a joke about jumping out of a cake but her real talent is eating cake and all I can think about is how much I love cheesecake and how much I hate Olivia.

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Also this:

Especially since she gave Jennifer two seconds with Ben and is now taking enough time to bring in a damn piece of cheesecake and eat it with Ben. Like they get SOOOOO much time. SOOOOOOO much time, it’s actually ridiculous. Olivia tells him that she wasn’t herself this week, and Ben actually kind of gets a little annoyed that she’s apologizing again, which she instead takes as a compliment and the opening for the perfect time to tell him that she’s falling for him.

His reaction:

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“It’s the coolest feeling in the world and I’m not afraid to say that I’m falling for you. Olivia is here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Even though she knows Ben can’t say anything, “I got his message LOUD and clear…he squeezed my hand and his eyes lit up and he gave me this little smile…”

This was his little smile –

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HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, Olivia. You’re so crazy and hateful and loathsome!

He has some time with Caila and they basically suck face like two 15 yr old nerds who finally hit puberty and found someone who actually agreed to make out with them so they have to get in as much hardcore makeout time as they can before the other one comes to their senses, and then he talks to Amanda and Becca, and then he has some really sweet time with Jubilee, who tells him she always feels anxious at rose ceremonies. He basically reminds her that she’s a freaking WAR VETERAN and so she really shouldn’t feel insecure about anything, and he’s right. “You’re here for a reason, and it’s because I’m interested in you.” I still don’t think they’re going to go the distance, but I love that he’s the kind of guy who wants to show Jubilee that she’s more than worth his interest.

Oh, and at some point Olivia told JoJo that she told Ben she was falling for him and JoJo couldn’t quite comprehend was “falling for” someone actually meant until she realized that it meant “falling in LOVE” with someone and then she was like, “I just would never say that to someone unless I was sure that he was going to reciprocate” and then Olivia lied and was like, “But he did. He does reciprocate.” Because apparently someone just looking at you means that they love you back, guys.

Wish I had known that back in my 20s. Could’ve saved alotta, lotta lives… #RIPJason #RIPNick #RIPJohn #RIPMatt

Rose Ceremonaaaaay!

This week’s Rose Ceremony takes place on top of a pool, which totally reminds me of one of my all-time favorite movies, Night At The Roxbury, where they advise Mr. Butabi to put a glass thing on top of the pool, “And that would be sweet because it would be like dancing on water and people LOVE to do that.” (GOD I love that movie!).

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Amber tells us that she wants to stay because she wants Ben to see more of her, to get to know her better, and that it would make her heart hurt if she went home tonight (GOOD, I hope you DO, because you SUCK). Olivia once again changes her tune, telling us that she wasn’t nervous about tonight and then she refers to herself in the third person a bunch more times, telling us that “Olivia’s not going anywhere. Olivia’s here to stay.”

Yeah. Except…you actually don’t get to decide that? And also: YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU ARE CRAAAAAZAAAAAAAAY. Like, LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE ASHLEE FRAZIER is probably sitting at home right now, munching on popcorn, texting her girlfriends about how crazy you are.

Ugh…and THEN she goes, “All eyes are on me…because I’m the girl who showed up and I was STRONG, out of the GATE. In this whole process, he is…mine.”

NO HE’S NOT OLIVIA YOU’RE DELUSIONAL OMG I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL YOU GET SENT HOME IT IS GOING TO BE A DAY OF CELEBRATION FOR ALL OF THE KIND SOULS WITHIN BACHELOR NATION A GLORIOUS DAY OF REJOICING FOR ONE AND ALL

See? I’m not the only one.

And from there it’s just a constant inner dialogue from Olivia – she reads a lot of romance novels where everything works out in the end; she inexplicably says the world “giagantor”; she’s good, they’re good, she just can’t wait to spread that goodness to her man; and she would be shocked if people who haven’t spent as much time with Ben got a rose (time you STOLE from them, you mean?? OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT IN THIS MOMENT). Jubilee gets a rose, Emily gets a rose, everybody gets a rose until it’s Jennifer, Rachel, Amber, and Olivia. Jennifer’s name gets called, and Olivia literally whispers, “Seriously?” YEAH, SERIOUSLY – Jennifer is beautiful and gracious and sweet and the other girls obviously love her. So SERIOUSLY.

To take the heat off of Olivia’s crazy, though, Amber tells us that this (the rose ceremony) is so hard, because Ben is someone she wants to marry. “I can honestly say that if he got down on one knee, it would mean the world to me.” Uh…what? I overlook at LOT of grand statements about wanting to marry the Bachelor, mostly because they’re so ridiculous they’re not even worth a response, but every once in a while someone says something about knowing they want to marry the Bachelor after only knowing him for 4 weeks and it’s so crazy that it makes me want to put my fist through a mirror. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM. YOU’VE ONLY SEEN HIM IN PERSON FOR FOUR WEEKS. I DIDN’T EVEN FALL IN LOVE WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND THAT FAST, AND I WAS BASICALLY FELICITY ON STEROIDS (except I didn’t, you know, actually use steroids. I just had a lot – a lot a lot – of feelings).

Olivia is left for last, and even wonders – why is she always last? Except that she’s NOT, but still insists on declaring that it’s all about saving “the best for last.” Then she smiles this really creepy smile –

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…while Ben looks like he has to decide which girl gets sent to the gas chamber and which one gets to stay at the concentration camp (seriously, you guys, I was only finally able to bring myself to watch that scene from Sophie’s Choice a year ago and I still feel shaken to the core of my being every time I think about it).

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Finally, looking like someone is putting a gun to his head, he announces that the last rose is for Olivia.

Rachel cries and goes home, which is sad, but it’s also not like we even knew her, you know?

Amber starts crying, too, and my favorite moment is when Lauren reaches out to pat her head but then thinks better of it –

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And my SECOND favorite moment is when Amber walks away from the group and they just stand there and stare at her as she sobs and limps off:

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She literally curls up into the fetal position on a pool chair and the rest of the girls and Ben can hear her crying in the background, and while I’m not exactly gleeful, I do not feel one single inch of pity for her and her chunky heels. You coulda been cool, Amber, but you played the Mean Girl Bully card instead and went out of your way to try and make another girl feel horrible and look bad in front of Ben, and for that, I care not for your tears.

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And then the last little part of the show is about Caila showing Ben “The Cookie Game” and I’m not even going to dignify this with a description.

Seriously. Can someone just Caila a real personality already.

Next week! The girls hit up Mexico, Olivia calls Amanda a Teen Mom, Amanda rats Olivia out to Ben, Emily gets her skinny 22 yr old self in the middle of it, too, there’s a bunch of kissing, and something dramatic happens at the rose ceremony where Ben asks to speak to Olivia but probably doesn’t dump her because that would be too easy and enjoyable for all of us.

The Live Tweets Edition will be out in a couple of days, so check back for that (or you can follow me on Twitter, keep up wit’ my Facebook Page, or subscribe to my once-a-week email newsletter instead of hoofing it over here every other day to see what’s up), and always, see you next week, Bachelor Babes!

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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