‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Episode 9: Bali’n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

Welcome to Episode 9 of The Bachelor: Chris is a Farmer! We are finally to the famous Fantasy Suite episode, where Chris finally gets to nail three of the ladies that he’s barely gotten to know over the course of 9 weeks!

Except that, this season, he only gets to nail 2 because one of those girls is a virgin.

After wandering listlessly in Iowa, New Mexico, and Deadwood, SD (seriously, Bachelor franchise, I am never going to let you live that one down), Chris has come to Bali on a spiritual quest…after a painful divorce brought on by the realization that he doesn’t want to have children, Chris has embarked on a round-the-world journey to find himself again and make peace with his soul. In an effort to focus on himself and not just match whatever romantic relationship he happens to be in, Chris has remained abstinent this entire time.

Well, except for that time when he fingered Britt during their “nap”.

(Whatever, like we weren’t all thinking that that’s what really happened. A lot of us went to college, okay? I went to a goddamn Bible college, and even I know what “nap” stands for.

But no more! Because he is now on the sacred, spiritual island of Bali, and that means doing’ it in the Fantasy Suites!

Oh, except that one of the girls is a virgin.

So. That sucks.

Monkey See, Monkey Poo

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Kaitlyn and Chris meet up for their overnight date, where they do some stuff like hang out at a sacred temple and then play with monkeys.

Chris sweats a lot – like, a lot a lot, because it’s a tropical island on the sea, and omg science – and even though monkeys are filthy animals that carry the Ebola virus, it’s apparently sooo hilarious when they literally pee and poop everywhere while Chris and Kaitlyn try to interact with them. Super romantic, guys!

Even though Kaitlyn said “I heart you” during the Hometown dates, she’s super nervous about “letting her guard” down with Chris and telling him that she’s falling in love with him. Apparently Chris and Kaitlyn had a conversation where he noted that she seemed to have her guard up, and during this date, Chris really wants her to let her guard down with them.

Uh oh.

See, in almost every incarnation of The Bachelor, there’s always one guy or girl toward the end that that Bachelor(ette) is pressuring to “let their guard down”. And EVERY SINGLE TIME, that person will open up to the Bachelor(ette) and tell them how they’re feeling, and then they’ll get sent home. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because you wanna know what “let your guard down” is, in real talk? “I don’t exactly know how I feel about you yet, but I’m hoping you’ll tell me a bunch of stuff that will change my mind and make me wanna keep you around.” It’s literally the emotional equivalent of “You would do it if you loved me.”

So anyway. Chris and Kaitlyn show up for their dinner together. The Fantasy Suite invitation arrives and Kaitlyn’s all, “We deserve this.”

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Ya sure do, ya crazy kids! I mean, going on national TV and having all-expenses paid trips to Bali and earning a brand new lucrative career trajectory is just soooooo hard. You guys TOTALLY deserve this, and everything else that you get for free because you went out and followed your dreams by auditioning for a reality TV show!

So they walk into the Fantasy Suite, and there’s a hot tub with a bunch of rose petals strewn into in the shape of a heart (that poor fuck who had to style that – sorry, dude), and they sit down on a couch to talk about their “feelings”. Kaitlyn tells Chris that, while it’s really hard for her to open up and be vulnerable, blah blah blah, she’s falling in love with him.

Then HE tells HER that he’s falling in love with HER.

Which is kind of huge, you guys.

You see, in the land of The Bachelor, it’s okay for The Bachelor to tell us that he’s falling in love with a girl, but it’s kind of a big no-no to tell the actual girl that you’re falling in love. In fact, there’s been a multitude of girls who have struggled with the fact that they were expected to tell the Bachelor that, knowing that he “couldn’t” say it back. And while I don’t think it’s a contractual rule – the only big contractual rule is that you can’t tell a girl that you’re going to give her the Final Rose until you’re actually *at* the Final Rose – the amount of avoidance a Bachelor will go through to avoid committing that faux pas is both historically awkward and sometimes painful.

So anyway, that’s what happened, and then they did it.

Saaaaaaailin’, Sailin’ Away On Whitney’s Nasal Passss-aaaaa-gesssss

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

Whitney shows up and tells Chris that she has a surprise for him. “Come with me!’ She says excitedly, putting her hands over his eyes and leading him down to the shore. When she removes them, he sees a little row boat.
“What is this?” He asks.
“I rented a whole island for us for the weekend.”
“Why would you do that? I can’t just leave.”
“Of course you can. This is how it works – I do this grand romantic gesture, and you go with me.”
“But I have to MEDITATE!” Chris yells at her. “That’s why I’m here! TO MEDITATE! I am on a SPIRITUAL QUEST! And now you’re trying to RUIN IT!”
“Chriiiiiiiiiis!” Whitney whines in her baby voice. “But I thought you would be haaaaaapy!”
“STOP PUSHING ME!” Chris yells. He turns away and starts walking up the beach path. “I’m going to go MEDITATE, like I wanted to do THIS WHOLE TIME, until YOU came along!”

But later Chris changes his mind and decides to go sailing with Whitney.

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

The only notable thing from that entire day is this incredibly awks photo that I ended up talking about with my old awesome roomie, Andy, about on Twitter –

The position of that Bachelor logo is very unfortunate.

Also, this happened:

Later that night, Whitney and Chris have dinner and get the Fantasy Suite invite. Whitney apparently has the voice of a baby and the libido of a cougar.

SHE’S GONNA DO HIM, YOU GUYS.

But not before she tells him that she’s totally ready to give up the career that she’s worked so hard for in Chicago so she can move to bumfuck Iowa with him and make the babies.

Cool.

The Date Where Becca Talks a Lot About Her Vagina

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

Can we just talk about how gorgeous Becca is here? Holy smokies.

Becca is very worried about her vagina. You see, her vagina is the new vagina in town, and it’s never hosted a penis party before. But her date tonight is all about the penis party, and Becca’s not sure how to tell Chris that her vagina is still under renovation and therefore closed to any and all penis parties, and will remain so until she procures the correct documents that will allow her vagina to host a penis party. After she has those documents, though, her vagina will open for business, and then she intends on having a penis party in her vagina every night of the week, and maybe even during some days, if the retainer fits the bill.

But before she can tell Chris about her no-penis-party rule, he takes her to see the small, toothless man who taught him how to truly meditate.

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

“He told me that when I meditate, I should be smiling down to my liver,” he whispers to her. “Oh cool,” Becca replies, with absolutely no emotional affect or inflection in her voice, because that’s just the way she says stuff. They sit down before him. “Master,” Chris intones. “Tell us what you know.”

The small man is quiet, then whistles through his two teeth, “Make love tonight.”

“HAHAHAHAHA, HO HO HO, WOW, THIS GUY IS TALENTED,” Becca fake-laughs as she stands up. “BOY, A REAL JOKER, THAT ONE!” She calls back, as she sprints away.

Chris watches her, then turns back to his meditation master. “Good, now we can mediate in peace, like I wanted to do IN THE FIRST PLACE before all these chicks showed up to DISTRACT ME FROM MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY.”

Later that afternoon, Chris finds Becca hanging out by a pool of water. They take their shoes off, get into the water, and start making out. The End.

The two of them reunite for a romantic dinner that evening.

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

Becca tells us that tonight she’s going to have to tell Chris that her vagina is closed for business…except, wait! Only, if Chris tells her that he falling in love with her, there’s a chance that her vagina might decide to do a soft opening for VIP penis clients.

“It’s very natural to want to have sex,” Becca says, trying to convince herself. “It’s very natural to not want to run away and hide, to not want to lock yourself in a convent so no man can ever find or touch you, ever. It’s very natural to not want to throw up at the thought of him putting his dirty, rough hands all over your pure, untouched body. It’s very natural to pretend like I enjoy kissing a man when in reality all it makes me want to do is scream and cry and run away as fast I can, off this island and into the calm, silencing depths of the blue watery sea forever.”

While pretending to eat dinner, they talk about their feelings and whether or not Becca could see herself moving to Iowa. Becca concedes that Arlington is really small, and that she would want to be sure of a future with him before she gave up her life to move there to be with him. Becca talks about falling in love with Chris the way someone would talk about an undiagnosed illness – I’ve never felt this way before, so I feel like this must be what it’s like to fall in love? – and Chris tells her that he feels the same way, and can see the two of them together for the rest of their lives. He whisks out the Fantasy Suite Invitation, and Becca tell him that she would love to have some alone time with him. The look in Chris’ eyes is so priceless, because you know that he’s literally, at that moment, thinking about what it’s going to be like to do her.

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

But later! She sits him down on the couch and basically tells him that she’s a virgin.

Chris gives out the most awkward sigh in history.

He first says that he never knows how to respond with that kind of information (Uh, after having to respond to it more than almost any other guy in history, you should have a handle on it now, Chris), but that he respects that and that her intact hymen says a lot about who she is.

He says that he’s more concerned about how they’re going to work through how they’re going to be together in the future, and at that moment, I kind of genuinely really do want the two of them to end up together.

Even though they won’t.

By The Time The Cock Crows Three Times, It Is Then That Chris Will Have Betrayed Kaitlyn

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

Once again, the crazy kids of The Bachelor find themselves at a sacred temple, dressed up in traditional Bali garb. Harrison gives Chris a very careful speech of what can happen on those holy grounds and what cannot, and I am immediately comfortable with the fact that they’re shooting a rose ceremony on a holy, hallowed space. Gross, you guys.

Chris thinks a lot about how he started this journey first to eat, then to pray, and then to find love. And here, in this sacred temple, as he looks at the three women that he most likely banged all in the same week, it’s obvious that’s he’s probably done two of those three, and it weren’t no prayin’. He starts to give a speech and then asks Becca if he can talk to her for a moment. She steps forward and takes his hand, and there was something about that gesture that suggested a lot of intimacy.

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

Both Whitney and Kaitlyn takes this mean that Becca’s going home right then and there, and that Chris just didn’t want to humiliate her with a Rose Ceremony. Nope – instead it means that Becca and Chris talk about how they left things the morning after the Fantasy Suite: Apparently Chris still feels unmoored by the fact that Becca is unsure about whether or not she loves him and can see herself in Iowa.

Which bugs me – I know you want to know, but at the same time, it irritates me that you can’t just give her some space to figure it out on her own. But the conversation ends well and they walk back int the ceremony hand in hand, much to both Whitney and Kaitlyn’s shock.

Kaitlyn ends up not getting a rose. Totally called it.

He walks her out to the van (there’s no Limo of Tears in Bali, only a clunky Van of Tears) and the pain on her face is seriously tough to take.

'The Bachelor' Season 19, Episode 9: Bali'n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites | AmberLCarter.com

She tells us in the Van of Tears that this is why she didn’t want to let her guard down, and all I can say is YUP.

Next week! It’s the Women Tell All, and I am SO EXCITE. Kelsey! Kardashley! Mackenzie! Ashley S.! Britt! Carly! All I gotta say, though, is if we had to sit through a three-hour premier and will likely have to sit through a three-hour finale, you better fucking make that Women Tell All worth it, ABC. None of this bullshit one-hour quick clips of the women’s conversations with each other. I WANT BRAVO REAL HOUSEWIFE THREE HOUR REUNION TYPE STUFF.

Do it for me, ABC.

Do it for America.

See you Bachelor baes next week!

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

2 comments on “‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Episode 9: Bali’n (geddit?) in the Fantasy Suites

  1. Hi amber 🙂

    After reading your recaps of the bachelor season 19, i am feeling so much better. Its 12:00am in the morning and you have me cracking up! Long story short, as you can see its been months
    since the last airing of the show. All of the participants have gone on with their lives, chris and whitney are no longer together and the three finalists have become bffs. I can imagine theyre sharing stories of their wonderful adventures of being on the show and some pretty intimate details about chris too no doubt ripping him up the back for throwing them all under the bus lol! The latter of which i hope isnt true–the sharing of intimate details about chris i mean. You see, i am one who fell in love with the chris/ becca love story and having a hard time letting go of what could have been. I guess watching some of those sappy fan made, music love story chris/becca youtube videos isnt helping me to just ” get over it already!” either lol! Have you seen any of them?? May i suggest “becca and chris //you are in love” and “becca and chris skyline”. So beautiful. Sucks you right in. 🙂 Glad he booted kaitlyn and chose becca. Whitney would have been the perfect choice IF he
    really cared for her as much as he cared for becca but we know that he didnt.
    He was stupid for letting becca go because he really did care for her. He should have dismissed the proposal and chose to continue to date becca giving her more time. I think thats what she was hoping for. I dont think the public would have held it against himfor going with his heart and I dont believe the contract said he had to propose. Anyway, reading your recaps made me laugh and brought me back to reality lol! Thanks so much.

    Candi

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