Hey everybody! Welcome to the bonus episode of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer, which aired last night because apparently ABC assumes that we 1) Don’t have lives 2) Would possibly want to skip the epic SNL 40th Anniversary Special to see a bunch of chicks go to Iowa.
Oh ABC, you dumb, stupid, awful joker.
But, as per usual, they decided to add a little “Chris Tells All” special to run an hour before the episode, where Chris sat down with Kelsey, Chris, and then Andi to get the real hard story on what was really going on in their lives.
I love Chris Harrison, but I was seriously annoyed with this “special”. It was all just a bunch of softball spin. Kelsey did her over-articulation “I just don’t understand why people don’t like me” song-and-dance, which was both entertaining but also annoying. Chris didn’t apologize for selling Kardashley out to Kelsey, nor did he even seem to understand why it was super shitty of him to leave the girls on the group date waiting around for hours while he took Britt to the Big & Rich Show (the fact that this was Chris’ move and not the producers’ suggestion was evident when Harrison pointed out that Chris just took off and left the girls waiting at the bar for hours. We all know Harrison enough to know that he would never suggest or cordoned that bullshit). Chris, of course, just replied by being all, “Uh, this is hard, uhhh, I don’t know, uhhh, this is hard.” SHUT YER DUMB UNMOVING MOUTH CHRIS I HATE YOU.
And then Andi came on to talk about her break up with Josh, and while I really love her and I adore the way Harrison felt genuinely bad for her, it was seriously about 15 straight minutes of listening to her sniffle into her mic. She conceded that her and Josh had been struggling, and that the “red carpet premiere” at the beginning of Chris’ season was one of the breaking points: After they got home, they realized that they had to “really stand back” and ask why it was, really, that they couldn’t seem to set a wedding date. When Harrison asked her if she was still in love with him…it was pretty brutal. She also admitted that things were a little contentious between them right now, which was brave of her to do. There’s been rumors that Andi will be brought back for another season of The Bachelorette, but I highly doubt that will happen. I wouldn’t mind it, but I doubt it.
Then the episode!
It opens with everyone at the cocktail party before the Deadwood Rose Ceremony. All the girls are hoping that, since both Kardashley and Kelsey were sent home, that there won’t be any more eliminations. But Megan takes Chris aside and asks him if he thinks that there’s something still there between them. They both agree that, while they had a connection in the beginning, his connections with some of the other girls have progressed a lot farther. So she decides to go home. In the limo, she tells us that if it were just the two of them, she knows they could have fallen in love, and in thinking about it? I think she’s totally right. They both have those sweet, slightly-dopey personalities that would have fit well together.
So then the girls think that, now that Megan has gone home, for sure there won’t be another elimination! But then Harrison has to be a Debbie Downer (SNL inclusion FTW!) and announce, nope, one of them will still be going home. Chris, however, saves them all from the Tribute Ceremony and tells Harrison – and the girls – that he wants to bring all of them to Iowa.
I have never seen girls be so excited about going to Iowa in all my life.
So the girls arrive in Des Moines, which is hilarious, because all week I was wondering where the girls would possibly stay in Arlington. Fun Fact: Once Upon a Time I worked at a Bible Camp where we did these things called Day Camps, where a team of counselors traveled to different churches around Iowa and organized their week-long Summer Bible Schools for them. While there, we stayed with host families…sort of like a Student Exchange Program, only not exotic and not fun. One of those towns was Arlington, which fifteen years ago was still pretty small but not as dead.
So yeah. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I stayed in the same town as Chris for a week once so that makes us super close friends.
ANYWAY! Jade gets the first one-on-one date, and it’s a date in Chris’ hometown. Britt immediately starts crying about it because she thought she was going to get the one-on-one and also because she’s just really jealous that Jade gets to see Chris’ hometown and have that kind of “information” that they’re all wanting when it comes to having a future with Chris. Even though I liked her a lot before, I’m now getting way annoyed with her. Somewhere along the way Britt got the impression that the show was really just about her and Chris and the other girls were really just along for support scenery. It’s no secret that Carly doesn’t like Britt, and now I’m starting to see why.
Arlington, Iowa…Where The Streets Are Safe Because No One Lives There Anymore
Jade meets Chris at his home outside of Arlington, and I gotta say that a lot of people in my Twitter feed were surprised by how not-millionaire-esque his home was. However, having lived in Iowa and known a few farmer millionaires, I can attest that, often, a lot of that money is in the land rather than a huge house (though it bears saying that, after we see what Arlington looks like? You’d think that Chris would make his home a little bit more of a one-stop shop worth sticking around for. Like, maybe get a home theater room in there or something, Chris, so your future wife won’t freak out so much over the fact that you have to drive an hour just to see a movie). Jade and Chris walk around his farm, Chris talks about how land gives him a major boner, and then they ride Chris’ motorcycle into the SMALLEST, BLEAKEST, MOST BORINGEST TOWN IN AMERICA.
I have to say this: I spent the earliest years of my life in a town call Halstead. Both my parents grew up in tiny towns called Ada and Twin Valley. I once lived for two years in a town called Bruce, Population You Don’t Want To Know. Therefore, I am no stranger to the rich community life that a small town often hides behind the facade of its barren-looking Main Street. Also, if you’ve watched Gilmore Girls than you obviously know that towns like Stars Hollow are totally dope.
However. Arlington? Definitely not Stars Hollow. It’s a freaking ghost town. It is a sign that you are in the wrong place when even the town bar has closed its doors (people are much more likely to spend money at the local bar than they are at the local market…plus, what else are you going to do in a town like that but drink?). Jade catches onto the fact that Chris is a little insecure and nervous about the town when he gives Jade the one-block tour…which, I mean. That shit would be hard, to have a huge farm and your family in a town that you know most girls would be all “NOPE” when you proposed that they move there. But then they go to a high school football game – smooth move, Chris…small town football games are actually super great date ideas – and Jade gets to see the tight-knit community, and that’s the draw to a town like that. Plus, show her the surrounding towns that do have bars and restaurants (because in farming communities, usually there’s about two or three nearby towns that comprise of the whole community. Hi, Ellsworth and Goodhue!) and yer golden.
So Jade gets to meet Chris’ mom and dad (“Britt is SO GONNA CRY about this when she finds out!” I yell to my roommate), and then they wandere the halls of Chris’ old high school and start talking about how they used to be rebels (please. Did you skip so many days of school during your senior year that you wouldn’t have graduated if you would have skipped one more class? Okay, then. Shed), and Jade almost tells Chris about her Playboy days, but caves and decides to wait. Which, might not be the worst decision she’s ever made (geddit?). Here’s the thing about that, though: You will not see any Playboy shaming on this blog when it comes to Jade. First of all, fuck Reality Steve and everyone else on Twitter who think it’s hilarious to call her Stripper Jade or allude to the fact that she might be a slut, etc. It’s her fucking body, and she can do whatever she wants with it, and I’m not cool with the slut-shaming. Plus, we all make decisions in our early twenties that we regret…it just so happens that hers is a little more public than the rest of ours, which should make us thank our lucky stars instead of joining in the gleeful hateration. Also: SHE IS THE SWEETEST, NICEST GIRL ON THIS SHOW SO FUCK YOU GUYS FOR BEING MEAN TO HER.
Anodda One-On-One Date I Didn’t Really Care About But Apparently Chris & Whitney Had a Great Time, etc.
Chris and Whitney go to the Des Moines Social Club, where Chris tells us – rightly – that Des Moines has a lot of really great art, and so they’re going to take part in an exhibit where people document their love for someone else. So they take a bunch of photos of themselves kissing around Des Moines. Yawn.
Meanwhile, Jade tells the girls about her date in Arlington and, as guessed, Britt starts crying. Carly suggests taking a road trip to Arlington since they have the whole day to just hang out. Britt tries to pull the “I don’t know if I’d feel right about that” card, which makes Carly rolls her eyes, hard. Finally Britt agrees to go and they pile into an SUV to drive the two and half hours to Arlington.
The look on their faces when they get to the town and realize that “this is all there is” is priceless, Britt’s especially. Everywhere they try to go is closed or locked. Finally they find the town pastor – wearing a Call of Duty t-shirt, FTR – and the church treasurer hanging out on his lawn, and they ask him questions about where the best place to eat is and what people do here for fun, and he just kind of laughs at them.
Then we watch Whitney and Chris go to dinner somewhere where ten people have decided to show up and cheer for them as they walk in, and Chris’ three best friends show up for drinks. Apparently this goes great, Whitney tells Chris she’s falling for him, he takes her outside and there’s a (fake, pasted-on) mural of their photo on the side of the bar building, which makes Whitney cries with specialness.
The Group Date Where Britt Doesn’t Get a Rose & Loses Her Goddamn Mind
The group date card arrives and it’s Carly, Britt, and Kaitlyn, which kind of sucks because Kaitlyn hasn’t had a one-on-one with Chris for a while (I actually am starting to like her now, because people change and we have to allow for growth and I can change my mind whenever I fucking want). Before the date, Carly does this hilarious hand-puppet thing:
Which isn’t even the best part…the best part was when Carly told Hand-Britt that she was going down, and Hand-Britt replied with “And Carly will riiiiiiiise!” The Best.
They meet Chris at a hockey rink, where they skate and play hockey. Britt asks for time with Chris, so they go and walk out onto a bridge (like, what is it with those two taking two hours to go somewhere else? So rude). Carly tells us that, at one point during their Arlington Adventure, Britt had told Carly and Kaitlyn that there was no way she could ever live in Arlington. But earlier that morning, when they were talking to Jade and Whitney about it, Britt said something about a beautiful sunset over the cornfields and how it just made her feel really at peace. BULLSHIT. So, as Carly predicts, Britt gives this same spiel to Chris, and they make out a bunch.
But Carly’s issue with this is that she has a feeling that Britt is gonna lie to Chris about being able to live in Arlington, and then he’s going to pick her and she’s going to leave him within a week because she hates living there so much. Which, I mean…the girl has a point. So she tells Chris this, and while it comes from a good place…I still cringe whenever a girl uses her one-on-one time to talk about another girl. It rarely ever works out to their benefit.
Later that night, at this cool coffeehouse in Des Moines, the girls and Chris do their night date thing. Chris and Britt have their one-on-one time where Britt tries to sing him the song about wanting to be mom no matter where she is and what they would do if he came to her hometown (sidenote: She talked about how her family often has dinner together in the living room with paper plates and they go get seconds and eat off each other’s plates, etc, and for some reason, this bugged the shit off of me. People who are totally cool with eating off other people’s plates are, like, my least favorite people ever. Probably because this one time when I was young I was in a nice restaurant with my family and my dad had gotten dessert and this lady at a neighboring table asked if she could have a bite of my dad’s dessert and then proceeded to take two bites which was the weirdest, most uncomfortable thing ever, not only because gross but also, hey lady, get your own food, my dad has to pay for that, you know and after that I just kind of skeeve whenever people try to bring their forks anywhere near my plate. MY FOOD. NOT YOUR FOOD. MINE!) and then they made out a lot again.
Kaitlyn and Chris have their time, and Kaitlyn mentions that she’s just a little frustrated that she’s not getting enough time with him. To make up for it, Chris gives her the rose, which…was the right thing to do, but goddamn it, is Carly ever going to get a break? Britt, for her part, literally has a tantrum…not even kidding.
She gets mad when Chris comes and grabs the rose, and then when Chris and Kaitlyn walk back in, she literally sits there and tells Chris that she’s upset that she opened up to Chris and was vulnerable with him about her family and that she doesn’t want to marry someone who sees her as second, third, or fourth. Chris says something about not wanting to make anyone want to leave, and she says, “What would you say right now if I said I wanted to?” Oh man, THE LOOK ON CHRIS’ FACE. Carly and Kaitlyn just shoot each other a look over their wine glasses, and Chris basically tells Britt that he doesn’t understand what kind of position she’s trying to put him in. Chris takes off, and Britt tries to tell the girls that she’s sorry, that it had nothing to do with Kaitlyn, but that she’s just trying to process how she feels about Kaitlyn getting the rose instead of her as they’re going into Hometown Dates.
This is amazing, because it totally illustrates what I mentioned earlier: At some point in time, Britt became convinced that Chris was her boyfriend and that she deserved to get the rose on every single date she went on with him. As Carly pointed out to her, she just got a rose last week (and when other girls might have deserved it more, I might add). And Britt says – this is the best – that she’s not worried about getting a rose, but not getting a rose on this date makes her question whether or not she wants to introduce Chris to her family. This is my absolute favorite because now Britt now falls into the category of the girls who think that, if they turn the tables and make it look like The Bachelor should be pursuing them and winning them over, that it will get them what they want. Nope. It’s a smart move in the beginning when you’re trying to stand out, but if you’re intent on making things difficult for the Bachelor toward the end, you’re doomed. He’s got a handful of other girls there who are only too eager to make things as easy as possible for him and are absolutely delighted with every nugget of attention he gives to them, so who do you think he’s gonna want to keep around? Also, what a total brat move to vocalize all of this in front of the other two girls. CHRIS IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND, BRITT. You don’t get a say about who he gives the rose to.
The episode ends with Carly and Kaitlyn telling the other girls that Britt totally screwed herself, and that she’s for sure going home.
Oh, and at some point Jade told Carly about the Playboy thing, which gave us this Vine, which I will post here because, yeah…that’d be kind of a tough one, especially for a family boy like Chris:
See you guys again tomorrow!