‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Episode 6: Save a Horse, Ride (Punch? Shoot? Sell him for glue?) a Farm Boy

Welcome to Episode 6 of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer! This episode was a banner one, my friends…we thought last week was crazy.

We knew nothing.

Also, I’m kind of tempted to just let all the amazing tweets from my Bachelor Feed do my recap for me, because HOLY SMOKIES YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS.

More insanity after the jump!

So our episode begins where the last one ended: With Kelsey lying on the floor, having a “panic attack.” If you’ll remember, Kelsey decided to “panic” after she found out that Chris had canceled the cocktail party.

This pretty much sums up all the girls’ reaction to Kelsey’s “panic attack”, as well as all of America’s:

To add insult to (faked injury), Kelsey then asks for someone to get Chris, then jokes with the medic about how she’s “going to get a rose tonight for sure!” [insert diabolical laugh here]

So Chris comes in, Kelsey does the thing where she’s like, “I’m fine, I just knew that this was the perfect way to get your attention and make you feel sorry for me again”, and then Kelsey wraps a fur stole around her shoulders and whisks back into the room where the girls are waiting. She tries to explain that the emotions were just “too much for her” and that she collapsed.

Because this recap is so late, I also have the luxury of linking to this bonus deleted scene, in which the girls express the reasons why they think Kelsey is full of some deep, deep shit.

Kardashley is crying and freaking out again, which is normal. This time it’s about not being able to get some time with Chris before the Rose Ceremony.

Mackenzie also starts to freak out, citing that she and Chris seemed to have a connection in the beginning, but now she’s worried that they’ve lost it. And if she goes home, she tells us, it would be something that she might never get over.

Mackenzie and Samantha are eliminated. Some of the girls are upset that Kelsey’s manipulative ploy(s) worked and that Chris was fooled into keeping her. “It’s not about your sad story anymore, it’s about you being a shitty human being,” Kaitlyn tells us, which is probably the only thing she’s said this entire season that I’ve actually liked. Jade also calls it by telling us that “Samantha has had terrible things that have happened to her that have shaped her, too, but she didn’t use them to level up.”

Damn right.

The South Dakota Badlands Are The Perfect Place To Fall In Love…?

For the next leg of our “journey” everyone travels to South Dakota! Because South Dakota…is…really…magical? And romantic?

To put a cap on it, it also looks like the girls are staying in a Best Western. Boy, those travel budgets sure have changed since Emily and Ben’s season, huh? You would think that the Cinderella promo by Disney would’ve allowed the show to go to, I don’t know…ANYWHERE BUT SOUTH DAKOTA?

Kelsey and Britt hang out on the patio of their Best Western hotel suite and talk about who they think is going to get the one-on-one date. Kelsey tells Britt that she thinks she’s going to get it. “I’ve worked so hard!”

Really?

But HAHAHAHA, Becca gets it instead. Kelsey’s Resting Bitch Face is THE BEST. “I’m not happy”, she tells us. TOUGH SHIT, PSYCHO!

Chris is waiting for Becca to show up for his date, and mentions that she’s the only one that he hasn’t kissed yet.

If you’ll remember, he tried to kiss her once during their alone time on a group date, but she stopped him and told him that she wanted it to be special.

Also, because SHE’S ALSO A VIRGIN.

Let’s do a countdown:

2 virgins (Kardashley & Becca)
1 girl with some serious psychological issues (Ashley S)
1 girl with a drinking problem (Jordan)
1 girl who doesn’t shower (Britt)
1 girl who is just straight up psycho and probably killed her husband (Kelsey)
= The Most Entertaining Season Ever

Becca and Chris go horseback riding on the trails, because this is South Dakota and there is literally nothing else to do. I feel like both of them are nice but also really boring, so I pay literally no attention to this date.

Back at the Best Western, the girls decide to talk to Kelsey about the fact that she’s a psycho. Whitney ends up being the one who actually confronts her, which is surprising. They talk to her about the suspicious nature of her going to see Chris alone, then having a panic attack and asking Chris to come and see her, then joking about getting a rose and laughing about the whole thing. Kelsey sort of laughs and then tries to play it off as nervous laughter. Then she turns on the water works and the soft patronizing voice. Carly, however, isn’t having it and won’t let her off the hook that easily.  “I’ve never had a panic attack in my entire life,” Kelsey defends, then whispers: “It was terrifying.”

 

The thing is, if you watch the footage over, Kelsey is cognizant of the fact that she’s “having a panic attack.” And maybe I’m wrong, but based on my experience and the experience of my friends, when you have a panic attack? You are so whacked out and taken so totally off guard with what’s happening to your mind and body at that moment that you really have no idea what the shit is happening until it’s over. So I’m calling bullshit on that one.

Then, Kelsey pounds the own nails into her coffin by telling us that when it comes to why the girls are attacking her, she’s “get it” –

And also, she didn’t go through “all this” to be defeated and be ganged up on by the girls.

Yeah, I guess I probably wouldn’t predict that when I was taking delight in my husband dying and exploiting it to both get on and get further on in a reality TV show that it would all turn against me, too.

The Group Date Where Chris Is a Big & Rich Douchebag

'The Bachelor" Season 19, Episode 6: Save a Horse, Ride (Punch? Shoot? Sell him for glue?) a Farm Boy | AmberLCarter.comSo the group date card comes, and everyone except Becca, Kardasley, and Kelsey are on the Group Date. And for this group date, the girls show up to an ol’ timey saloon to find out that Big & Rich – a country music duo, if ya didn’t know – are there to help the girls write a country love song for Chris.

Carly’s excited because, being a cruise ship singer, this is right up her alley. Whitney is also psyched, because she loves country music and Big & Rich are one of her favorite bands. Jade, on the other hand, is not feeling great about putting her feelings into a song and then having to sing it. So, to get her out of her head, Big grabs her and makes her run down the street of Deadwood while yelling out affirmations, and it’s both weird and awesome at the same time.

While all the girls are working on writing their songs, Britt and Chris stand in the middle of the saloon and begin to make out in front of all the other girls. This is just rude, you guys – it’s obvious to the girls and to all of America that Chris and Britt have a connection, but it’s super uncool to make out with one of the girls in front of the other ones. Say what you will about Juan Pablo, but he at least had the decency to not do that, and y’all know that Sean would NEVER have done something like that.

Finally it’s time for the song completion. Chris starts out by singing his own song, and it is AWFUL.

Britt sings her song and she’s actually pretty good, but I can’t help but being distracted by her outfit.

Carly was great, and in fact, was the best one out of the bunch. She wrote a great song, did a fantastic job singing, and she did the whole serenading thing like a pro.

Megan also had a surprisingly good voice, actually. Jade was super nervous, but her song was actually really good.

If ya had to give out prizes – or a rose – it should go to Carly for besting all of ’em, or Jade for conquering her fear and still killing it.

However.

That is not what Chris decided to base his rose on.

During the evening date, Chris has alone time with the girls – his alone time with Jade is sweet, and even Kaitlyn gets into it by talking about her feelings.

But then it’s Britt time. They sit and moon over each other, and then Chris suddenly grabs her hand and tells her to come with him.

They leave and run across the street, then duck into a line for what is obviously a Big & Rich show.

Did you get that? Chris ran off with Britt to a show, leaving ALL THE OTHER GIRLS TO WATCH THEM LEAVE AND THEN SIT THERE AND WONDER WHERE THEY WENT.

Britt doesn’t even like country music, but her and Chris dance at the show and then are pulled up onto the stage, where Chris gives her the rose. And for what, you might ask? Did she shine in the song competition? Did she overcome her fears in order to impress Chris? Did she maybe mention that she loves country music and so a show like this would be straight outta her twang-and-boots dreams?

Nope.

See, this is why this part of the show pisses me off so much: First, he’s totally entitled to like Britt more than the other girls. But it’s a pretty douche move to not only make out with her in front of the other girls earlier on the date, but to also ditch all of the other girls FOR AN HOUR so he could take Britt to a concert and give her a rose. That is fucking BUNK, you guys. Like I said when he made out with Britt in front of Carly and Jade when he went into their hotel room to surprise her – our man Sean would NEVER have done something like that. The very least that Chris could have done was have a little consideration and either tell the girls where he was taking Britt, or cut them loose altogether and send them back to the hotel.

Honestly, if I had been one of the other girls, I would have stood up, been all “Fuck you guys, I’m going home” and walked off right then and there.

And I know it’s a reality TV show and kind of a game show and we all know that someone’s gonna get their feelings hurt because they weren’t picked, but it was honestly humiliating for those girls and they did so not deserve that.

I’m so done with this kid, you guys. Everyone thought he was sooo nice and sooo sweet when he was on Andi’s season, but if you put him up against Juan Pablo in a contest for shitty, thoughtless behavior, you’d have a heated match on your hands.

THEN, to make matters even worse, an hour later he finally comes back with Britt, and they walk back in holding hands and looking like they just got married or something.

What a shitbag.

“It just hurts, and I know exactly how they feel,” He tells us, after he gave all the girls some bullshit speech about how he didn’t feel it was “appropriate” to give Britt the rose. Really? Why not, Chris? Was it because she actually didn’t even deserve it, but you don’t really care how the other girls feel, so you just didn’t want to have to deal with their feelings? “I just wish I could do something to bring back that positive joy that we were all feeling.” Here’s a tip: Next time don’t ditch them for a whole hour so you can run off with another girl and take her to a concert.

Kaitlyn admits to Britt that it’s humiliating that they had to sit there for an hour while they ran off. Britt just sits there in her glitter makeup and says something feeble about how it was Chris’ choice. And like, this thing isn’t really her fault, but you can actually feel America steadily begin to dislike her, because you kind of get the impression that she really actually doesn’t care whether or not the other girls are upset or hurt. Kaitlyn goes into the bathroom and cries, and for this first time this whole season, I actually kind of like her. Whitney is really upset, too – about the fact that she loves country music and would have been so excited to be at the concert, but Chris took Britt who doesn’t even like that kind of music, and that it’s kind of starting to feel like the Britt and Chris show, which…honestly? She’s right. If Chris is going to be this lame to the other girls when Britt’s around, he should honestly just send them all home and propose to Britt right now.

What a dick. I honestly, thoroughly dislike that guy now.

Bed, Badlands, and Beyond

The 2-on-1 date card arrives, and it says something about The Badlands. Kelsey acts really excited, exclaiming that she LOVES THE BADLANDS!

Uh. You know that you’re actually in the Badlands right now, right?

Also, nobody loves the Badlands.

Kardashley, Kelsey, and Chris take a helicopter ride to their date, flying over Mount Rushmore. Kelsey does everyone in America a favor by naming the presidents who are part of Mount Rushmore. OMG you ARE smart, Kesley! You are so, sooo smart.

Kardashley does a lot of eye rolling, which is made even more dramatic by the dead tarantula legs that are serving as her eyelash extensions. She vents to us about it and sprouts off what is probably the best and most apt quote in Bachelor History:

They touch down in the “badlands” to find a Pier One Show Display in the form of a bunch of rugs and a canopy bed. Seriously, who the fuck thinks up stuff like this? “You know what I bet anyone would love to have while on a date in this South Dakota desert land? A canopy bed to awkward half-sit, half-lay on. Doesn’t that sound fun?!” Kelsey, Kardashley, and Chris all perch on the end of the bed, drinking wine and enjoying the awkward silence. Kelsey, for her part, is putting a positive spin on this whole 2-on-1 date: It’s forcing Chris to be pragmatic and think really hard.”

In the very next shot, we see Kardashley sucking Chris’ face. HAHAHAHA. YEP, CHRIS IS THINKING REAL HARD, KELS.

After they’re done making out, Kardashley wisely uses her time to gossip about Kelsey. She calls Kelsey the only “outlier” in the house, noting that “she’s very strategic about her moves a lot. We just think she’s kind of fake.” This bothers Chris, since for him, “the woman I wanna marry is gonna be someone who gels in a group situation.”

I mean, I’m hoping to marry someone with great character who also cares about how he affects the world around him, but if “gelling in a group situation” is the thing that’s most important to you…then cool, I guess?

So then it’s Chris’ time with Kelsey, and like the idijt he is, he wisely tells her that Ashley just told him how fake she is – literally, he goes, “Ashley just told me this, that you can sometimes be fake, and that bothers me.”

1) Seriously, Chris is such a thoughtless idiot.

2) Did he really think Kelsey’s going to be all, “No, that’s totally true, I’m glad you brought that up because that’s something you should know about me”?!

So Kelsey acts like she’s “so hurt” that Kardashley would say something like that about her, and then does damage control by saying stuff about how they’re at the point where you can choose to have a close relationship with the girls or you can concentrate on furthering your relationship with him, etc, and that she would hate for him to let go of all the “potential” between them because of girl talk.

^ #TRUTH.

Chris obviously needs time to process all of this through his thick and slow brain, so Kelsey walks back to the Bed, Badlands, and Beyond to join Kardashley, but not before giving us a piece of her mind: “She’s a Kardashian who didn’t go on her princess date. Who has way too much makeup on to be genuine.”

She sits on the bed and literally just stares Ashley down. And it is literally the most TERRIFYING moment on The Bachelor EVER. Swear to god, Kelsey stares at Ashley for a full minute while Kardashley blatently avoids looking at her. It is the only moment in Bachelor history where I’ve genuinely been afraid for someone’s life.

Finally, Kardashley weakens and looks the schoolmarm demon in the eye, only to be rewarded with a steely, “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.”

Which also culminates in the best and most entertaining tell-off in Bachelor history:

Finally, Kardashley runs away, grabs Chris, and asks him why she told Kelsey what she said. YEAH CHRIS, WHY DID YOU, YA DUMMY? Chris mumbles something about wanting to give Kelsey a chance to defend herself, and Kardashley cries, and then Chris dumps her.

He tries to tell her that he doesn’t think she’d be happy in Iowa – which, I mean, fair point – but she does give the best comeback ever and asks him if he really thinks Britt would be happy in Iowa.

Then she sort of cry-stumbles away, then turns around and comes back, weirdly asking, “Like, what are we even doing?”

And it’s all wonderful and crazy and awful and you kind of have to wonder how the hell she even made it this long.

Kardashley wanders off crying somewhere, presumably to destined to wander the Badlands forevermore.

We see a producer go into the girls suite, and they all watch as she rolls Ashley’s suitcase away. Instead of being happy, they’re all kind of stunned and frightened that it means that Kelsey got the rose.

Chris then joins Kelsey on the Bed of The Badlands and tells her about Ashley leaving. She puts on her fake concerned wifey expression, strokes his face, and coos, “It’s a loss.”

Translation: BYE FELCIA.

AND THEN HE DUMPS HER TOO! Oh my god, it is so, so good. She cries, and does her whole patronizing “I’m strong and admirable” schtick and tells him, “It’s okay if it’s not me. It’s okay.” and she smiles through her sweet, sweet, salty, crazy-psycho tears.

Chris then walks toward the waiting chopper, leaving both girls to wander the Badlands alone.

The producer once again enters the girls’ suite again, grabs Kelsey’s suitcase, and rolls it out. AND ALL THE GIRLS’ MINDS FREAKING EXPLODE.

Back in the Badlands, Kelsey reminds us that her story is “amazing. It’s tragic, and it’s inspiring, and it’s beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed.”

The girls do a champagne pour –

 

And Kaitlyn toasts everyone with a, “I am immeasurably blessed.”

HAHAHAHAHA!

If there were awards to be given out for Best Bachelor Moments, that would be in my Top 5 nominations.

But Kelsey’s not done yet! “I have no regrets because I did what I came to do, which is challenge myself in the adventure of love.” And also at least my husband’s still dead so I can profit off of that and exploit his tragic passing for my personal gain, so yeah. I’m gonna be fine. 

The chopper flies off with the girls just walking around in the badlands.

Next week! It’s a double-feature on Sunday and Monday as everyone goes to Chris’ hometown of Iowa!

Britt cries a lot! Jade talks about doing Playboy! There’s a Ferris Wheel!

Snore.

See you guys next week!

 

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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