‘The Bachelor’ Season 19, Episode 5: Tears For Fears

Welcome to Episode 5 of The Bachelor: Chris is a Farmer! This recap is going to be brief, since it’s already a week + a day old, and compared to this week’s episode, this one is not even that crazy.

And with the above Vine pretty much defining the entire episode 5, that’s saying something.

LET’S GET TO IT, BACHELOR BABES!

For this week’s dates, Harrison announces to the girls that they’re all going to Santa Fe, New Mexico! Megan, in typical airhead fashion, tells us that she’s really excited. “I’ve never been to Sante Fe, but I’ve heard it’s beautiful, it’s like a beach…resort…place.”

I’m seriously not even making this stuff up.

“I think that New Mexico is definitely going to be a culture shock from what I’m used to,” she continues. “You know, the hats, the sombreros that they wear in Mexico? I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. It’s definitely exciting to go on a new adventure and fall in love with Chris. I’m so excited, I’ve never been out of the country! It’s awesome.”

HAHAHAHA. Oh, you stupid, adorable, dumb, dummy-dummy dum, Megan. If I cared more about the vaccination debate, I would nominate you for the anti-vaxxer poster child and offer you as proof for why maybe not everyone should survive the natural selection that is being thwarted by vaccinations.

But anyway!

The One-on-One Date That Both Gives The Heebie-Jeebies & Then Takes Them Away 

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After arriving in Santa Fe and oohing and aaahing over their hotel suite (which, granted, does look fairly New Mexico gorg), the girls learn that there’s a one-on-one card. Both Kelsey and Kardashley want it REALLY bad.

Which usually means that neither of them will get it.

Instead, it’s Carly! Pretty, sweet, cruise-ship singer Carly. “I was not thinking this was going to happen at all,” she says, happily. “I knoooooow,” all the other girls say, in that “Yeah, we didn’t think you would get it EITHER! This is a shock to ALL of us!” sweet Girl-Catty way.

Carly meets Chris at some house in the desert, and they walk to the back to find an Eve Ensler look-a-like meditating on the back patio. She tells them that she’s a love guru, and that their time there together is going to bond them closer together and release their fears of intimacy, and “just bring more juiciness into the relationship.” UGH. I HATE when people use “juicy” in that kind of context. Also, using “juicy” in any love or relationship context just makes me think of really gross, slobbery sex. Okay?

The love guru has Carly and Chris meditate with their backs against each other. Chris is having a really hard time breathing – like he’s literally hyperventilating – which I want to make fun of, but I actually had that same exact problem when I started learning how to mediate, too, so I’m just going to let that go.

Then the guru has Carly blindfold Chris and sit on top of him, doing really weird stuff where she has to touch him like it’s the first time she’s ever touched a body. Then she has to give him food and incite his sense of “taste”. Then HE has to wrap his hands around her legs and pull her against his hips.

THEN, the love guru instructs them that they are going to disrobe in front of each other – no, actually, they are going to disrobe each other – and thus remove all the barriers that they have placed against complete intimacy.

You all just fucking know that the producers are standing in the background while the love guru tells them this, faces filled with glee at the situation that they’ve created for both the couple and for the entire TV audience of America.

Carly softly admits that it’s been a while since she’s been naked in front of another man, and even though we can all tell that she wants more than anything to just be all, “Yeah, I’M OUT”, she decides to go along with it.

Carly takes Chris’ shirt off, then he takes her shirt off. I am so physically uncomfortable watching this that I can’t even stand it. Then they’re instructed to ask themselves what is that next piece that they’re ready to let go of. Chris pipes up that he hoped that this would help them get to “the next step” in their relationship, but that this is really uncomfortable and awkward. Carly places her hands on his pants and begins to slowly take them off, but then whispers to him that she’s really uncomfortable.

Fortunately, Chris breathes out a sigh of relief and tells her that he is, too.  The guru asks them to talk about the feelings around that, and Chris tells her that this is their first date, and that there are just some things worth waiting for. So the guru asks them to talk about it instead” “Talk about one mask you’re okay with taking off, that maybe has been holding you back in past relationships.” Which, I gotta admit, is a solid question. Chris says that he thinks his mask is of letting himself just truly fall in love, and letting himself commit to that for the rest of his life. Carly says that hers is the fear that she’s not worthy of love. And honestly, it does feel really intimate to hear them tell those things to each other. They hug, and it’s actually a really sweet moment. But then the guru ruins it by making Carly sit on Chris’ lap and telling them that they can only breathe, they can’t kiss, and they have to explore each other with their hands. “Position yourself where your lips can be about an inch apart, and so when you’re breathing out you’re also breathing him in.” And again, it is super freaking uncomfortable, you guys. Not just because these are weird methods, but because Eve Ensler’s doppelgänger is just sitting there, watching them do this the whole time. Gross. They are told to pull apart, and then to thank each other, and Carly goes in for the kiss. “As crazy as this date has been,” Chris tells us, “I feel more of a romantic connection with Carly than I ever have.”

Meanwhile, back at the Santa Fe Sister Wives House, Kelsey talks to some of the girls about how she had a husband who supported her in everything, and that “everything we needed that was humanly possible in this life, we gave to each other.” “I’ve been a widow for about a year and half now,” she tells them, “but I was once someone’s very very important person.”

And YET – she can’t even remember the actual name of what he died from. “It’s called heart…uh, what is it called…it’s called congestive heart failure?” UH, CONGENITAL HEART FAILURE, I THINK YOU MEAN? I mean, it’s not usually in me to judge someone who has lost a significant other, but from my own personal experience I can tell you that, when that happens to you, you fucking remember the specifics.

Oh, and then she ends the story by saying, nonchalantly, “And darlin, that is life.”

Um.

The Group Date Card arrives, and Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Kardashley, and Kelsey’s names are on it. Kelsey’s look when her name is called is amazing. “I want a one-on-one with him,” she tells us, “but it’s not happening because he has a myriad of other women throwing themselves at him. That doesn’t make me feel special. It’s unacceptable.”

Yeah. It actually is acceptable, because that’s the how the entire show works, Kels.

Back at the date, Cary and Chris arrive at some house that has been set up with a romantic dinner and roaring fire. Carly’s Southwestern outfit, I should mention, is also totally on point, but her propensity to say “like” a lot? Not so much. Carly tells Chris that she hasn’t been intimate for a year and a half, and she dated her last boyfriend for two years but he wouldn’t not her. “He never wanted to be physical with me, ever. It really missed with my head. It made my feel not beautiful and not desired and not a woman. So after that, it’s been hard for me to see myself that way,” she tells him. And my heart is pretty much breaking for her, because that stuff is just the worst when you’re in a relationship. Chris, for his part, tries to make her feel better with his famed eloquence:

Which, I mean…sister has a point.

Chris gives her the rose, they kiss, Carly cries in her interview, and even though I know that Chris won’t pick her in the end, I really dig this girl.

Man, These Group Dates Just Are NOT Getting Better This Season. 

For their group date, the girls and Chris are going white water rafting. Megan. for her part, is concerned that the Rio Grande could be filled with alligators and dead bodies.

I mean. It’s a valid concern.

BTW, the white-water rafting guide is the WORST! He basically tells them to not worry, but if you fall in, you’re probably gonna drown. DON’T WORRY, YOU GUYS, YOU’RE JUST GONNA GET WHITE WATER RAFTED KILT ON THIS AWFUL GROUP DATE. So of course, one of them falls in, and it happens to be Jade. Chris grabs her and pulls her back in, and it’s pretty much a scene out of the Harlequin Romance novel that I’m writing – the strong silent (cause he’s stupid) farmer expertly plucks the raven-haired, soft-spoken beauty from the dangerous churning rapids, his solid muscles rippling in the sunlight as he lifts the lithe lass back into the boat…saving both her life and winning her heart!

I’m really glad I can use these recaps as a place to work on my drafts, you guys.

Apparently, Jade has a condition where her body goes into hypothermia when it’s not supposed to, which, if you’ve read any historical romances, is pretty much the opposite of consumption, where your body continually tries to heat up to a temperature that it cannot regulate (I think that’s what it means? That’s what they told us in the ridiculous yet hey-those-are-good-actors movie, A Winter’s Tale, anyway). So at the post-rafting picnic, Chris rubs her numb feet, trying to warm her up. “I wish I had that condition,” Mackenzie tells us. “I need Chris to warm my hands and feet up. And my butt. It’s actually freezing.” HAHAHA. Mackenzie, I kind of love you. Kelsey, on the other hand, says, “I should have just dove into the water. Oh, Oh me oh my, I’m cold, I need someone to warm my feet.”

Like, who the fuck says “oh me oh my” anymore? You guys, do you kind of wonder if Kelsey is some kind of wicked schoolmarm who’s traveled across time? Like, what if she’s a black widow but also an evil headmistress whose deeds were so evil that she was conscripted by the devil to come in to our time and harken the end of days? And her husband started to suspect something, so then, “on a beautiful sunny day”, she did some kind of evil spell thing and made his heart explode while he was walking to work? “Oh me oh my,” she probably said, afterward, as she navigated her web browser to The Bachelor application site. “Looks like I’m suddenly single with a story to tell…”

For the evening date, the girls show up to the hotel, rocking their jade turquoise jewelry and Southwestern outfits. Chris arrives after they do, and walks into the lobby to find Jordan waiting for him. Jordan, if you might remember, was one of the blond girls who got super, uber drunk during the first couple weeks of the show. She tells Chris that she drove there from Colorado to make her case about how she feels like she didn’t take the opportunity presented to her seriously. Chris agrees, and mentions her drinking, but that he’s not going to judge her for it. She tells him that sometimes it gets the best of her, sometimes, but that she would like a second chance.

Chris walks into the group date with Jordan. The girls act stunned but also weirdly pleasantly surprised. Everyone, that is, except for Kardashley: Not only was Jordan eliminated, she tells us, but she was also her least favorite person. Whitney, for her part, loves Jordan and wants to catch up with her, but just not in this environment. Chris tells them that they can be honest about how they feel about this.

I don’t think he knew what he was asking for.

ALL the girls take their time with Chris to talk about Jordan, which is a HUGE no-no, but it was also strangely effective. When the girls are together, the reactions to Jordan herself are mixed – they’re all being polite, except for Kardashley. “I don’t understand why the other girls are welcoming to her,” Kardashley says. Um, because they’re POLITE. “We shouldn’t be nice to her right now,” Kardashley points out to the groups, and Whitney disagrees, pointing out that you also don’t have to be mean.

At the end of the night, Chris tells Jordan that he can’t keep her. She mentions that the point was to not have regret, says goodbye to the girls. Kelsey hugs her and whispers, “I’ll always admire you.”

Jordan handles the goodbye really well, but in her interview she cries that she wanted an answer, but that the one she got wasn’t what she was hoping for. “So…yeah, it’s going to be a long drive tomorrow.”

So Jordan leaves, and it’s time to hand out the rose.

Whitney gets the rose. Kardashley is PISSED.

She didn’t see Whitney as a threat. “Whitney, who I literally looked at on the boat today and thought, “I don’t really have to worry about THAT.”

Kardashley cries the whole way back to the hotel room. “I just don’t think she deserves it. I think that’s really messed up.” OH MY GOD, GIRL, GROW THE FUCK UP.

A Hot Balloon Ride Made of Tears

The night before Britt’s one-on-one date with Chris, she’s hanging out with Carly and they’re talking about her date. “What are you going to do to get ready for your date?” Carly asks. “You might have to actually take a shower.” UH, apparently Britt hasn’t showered in weeks. WTF. I mean, sometimes when I’m working on finishing a book and things are kind of busy and crazy, I don’t shower for a couple days, but weeks? The date card comes, and it says, “The Sky’s The Limit.” Brit literally starts crying. She’s terrified of heights, so of course the producers planned an entire date around that fear. CLASSIC BACHELOR, EVERYBODY! “It hurts my body, like I’m so scared of it. My body shuts down, I freak out. It’s very embarrassing,” Britt tells Carly, as she tears up over the fear.

Also, this above tweet pretty much sums up the entire history of the Bachelor franchise. (And also, if you’re not following @JillBidenVeep for your Bachelor tweets, you’re not living life right.)

It’s the next morning, and Chris sneaks into Britt’s hotel room that she’s sharing with Carly and Jade to wake her up. Carly wakes up as he walks in, and he shushes her to be quiet. He sneaks over to Britt – where, of course, she’s reclined upon her pillow in a full face of makeup, I FUCKING CALLED IT, YOU GUYS, IN LAST WEEK’S RECAP – and Carly tells us that Britt sleeps in all her makeup, she actually puts on makeup before she goes to bed, just in case. Chris tells us that Britt looks “just as beautiful…first thing in the morning…as she does when she’s all dolled up for a rose ceremony.” Oh, Chris. Ya big dummy dum dum dummy…THAT’S BECAUSE SHE’S WEARING THE EXACT SAME MAKEUP THEN AND NOW.

Although I do have to point out that her nails were totally on point.

Carly, however, is no amused. “It’s 4:30 and Chris is here, and he wants me to be quiet, and I have to be quiet so I don’t ruin this moment for you guys. Wow, I wish I wasn’t here.” Which, you know? She has a point. “And then I hear their kissing, and I’m like, are you fucking kidding me? That’s not a cool way to wake up.”

See, and this is the thing I want to point out when it comes to Chris – he seems sweet and like a family guy, blah blah blah, and maybe Britt is just his blind spot, but like….he’s not a nice or particularly polite guy, when it comes to sparing their feelings in his interest of another girl. And yes, knowing that other girls’ feelings are going to get hurt when he’s spending time or on a date with another girl is how the show works, but you can bet your last $20 that Sean would never have started making out with another girl while two other girls were in the same room. It just wouldn’t have happened.

So Britt gets up and quickly gets dressed and meets Chris in the hotel lobby, and there’s just a few shades of how much fun that would be – to get woken up by surprise by the guy you’re dating and then whisked off on a date with him in the early morning hours – but I couldn’t help thinking that I would be all, “YO, can we at least stop at Starbucks first?” Like, all potential suitors out there that might be reading my reality TV recaps, don’t wake me up from a sound sleep before 8 unless you already have a coffee ready for me in your hand, mmmkay? Because that’s freaking romance.

So Britt is still really “nervous” about what kind of height-induced activity they’re doing on their date, but when they pull up to a hot air balloon she practically has an orgasm. She does a lot of jumping up and down, which you instinctively know is something she does a lot because she’s fully aware of how adorable it makes her look. They get in, the sun starts to rise, and I have to admit that this is a totally legit, awesome date. Until one of them says, “We’re holding each other, and all of a sudden we’re soaring.”

Puke.

Meanwhile, the girls are talkin’ smack about Britt and why she doesn’t shower (which, I mean, is something that all of us would like to know). Kardashley plays out the “I’m not in any rush to get married and have kids” thing that Britt apparently said the night before.

Britt and Chris walk into his hotel room after their balloon ride. Britt asks Chris how many kids he might want, and he says as many as possible. She does the whole “OMG ME TOO” thing, and they kiss. “At a scale of 1 to manipulative, Britt is at…wait, what is number that is beyond manipulative?” Carly asks. “I just need her to go home.” Carly feels really raw about being shhh’ed in the morning by Chris so he could surprise Britt. Meanwhile, we see Chris and Britt getting into his bed (fully clothed). “This date started bed and ended in bed,” Britt says, as they get under the covers. We see his doors close, and then later, we see Britt walking back into girls suite, and I feel kind of bad that she’s literally walking into a room where everyone was just talking shit about her.

That is, until she decides to go into detail about their date, including the fact that they went back to Chris’ room and took a “nap”.

“Nap”, emphasis on quotation marks. Anyone who’s ever been to college knows that “nap” is just an excuse to get into bed together and make out a lot.

Kesley is upset about this information, and feels like his growing connection with Britt is compromising her “relationship” with Chris. She decides that, no matter what, she can’t go home without telling Chris her story.

So she gets dressed up and decides to surprise Chris by going to his room.

They sit on his couch and she tells him the whole “on a beautiful sunny day” husband-dying story, and then says some really weird stuff about how her story is so “amazing”. I mean…the tragic things in our lives are often the things that shape and hone us the most, but I guess I nor anyone I’ve known has delighted in those things because they’ve made an “amazing” story.

But then, after she’s done telling him, she, like, straight-up MAKES OUT with him. As if talking about her dead husband is a huge aphrodisiac. And you might think that I’m being mean right now or insensitive, but seriously you guys – it was freaking WEIRD. It also just seemed really off – your husband died, you don’t cry about it when you talk about it, and then you use the story of it to get closer to this new guy?

Also, she totally did the thing where she kissed him on the nose and then did an Eskimo kiss. LIKE, GROSS, YO.

But THE BEST PART is, after that, she tells us: “I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another personal romantic relationship. And I’m so glad that the first kiss is something that can be written in the story books. And hell yes I’m getting a rose tonight! Stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, the love story unveiled.”

Never in my life have I seen someone so excited to benefit from something so “tragic” that’s happened to her.

No Cocktails, Just Crazy

So, the girls arrive for the cocktail party, and Chris makes a speech about how he had talked to Kelsey this afternoon, and it really made him think hard on a lot of things. Then he abruptly excuse himself to go out and “think” some more.

So, some of the girls start to freak out, especially about the fact that Kelsey “stole” time with Chris this afternoon to tell him her story. So some of the girls ask her what she talked to Chris about, and she goes into this SUPER WIERD, super patronizing speech: “This is obviously is very difficult for him. He already has his mind made up. And I know that he’s thinking very hard about the fact that every day is a gift, and time is precious, and we should never take it for granted. And I’m so sad to have to say goodbye to some of you.” And when she says that, everyone in America knows that she might actually think that he’s going to send all the rest of the girls home and just keep her.

Kardashley, for her part, is super worried and upset about the fact that Kelsey’s “story” is so much more “traumatic” than her story and that she can’t compare to that.

This bitch is cray.

After Harrison goes out to talk to Chris, Chris decides that he doesn’t want to have a cocktail party…he’s already made his decision, and doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time. Harrison make a cryptic announcement to the girls about it, mentioning that Chris’ hands are tied but he’s knows what he has to do.

After the announcement that there’s not going to be a cocktail party all of a sudden Kelsey gets super nervous. “I feel like if my story had such an impact on him that he had to cancel the cocktail party, then something serious is going on.” She was SO SURE two hours ago, you guys! In fact, she was practically sure that the whole show was going to end right there and then!

But now she’s not so sure. In fact, she’s PANICKING.

As in, a totally fucking fake panic attack.

And that’s where the episode ends! HOORAY!

Stay tuned for my recap of the next episode, coming up whenever I have time to finish it!

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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