Welcome to Episode 4 of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer! This post is only a week and some change late, mostly because, now that I’m turning another year older on Friday, the days just seems to whiz by as I relax on my rocking chair by the bay window of the local rest home, drinking lukewarm tea and daydreaming of past beaus.
Anyway! Catch up on the stuff that you forgot (and the stuff I just kind of made up) after the jump!
Last week, Harrison gathered all the girls into the living room and announced that they would be meeting Chris’ sisters. The girls all act like he just announced that they were all going to Paris. “OMG! I’M SO EXCITED!”
“Yeah, they’re not here now,” Harrison informs them with a smirk. Seriously: Stop putting on a show, ladies. NO ONE is ever excited to meet the boyfriend’s sister(s). That’s like, the least exciting thing to do ever, when you start dating someone.
Speaking of fake! Harrison hands off the date card for the first group date, which reads, “Let’s do what feels natural.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Jillian makes a jab at Eyelashes, saying that she bets it means they’ll have to go without makeup. Kardashian Eyelashes is WAY offended by this, telling us that Britt is the one who doesn’t even take off her makeup when she sleeps (like, what’s wrong with that? What if she gets woken up in the middle of the night by some hottie burglar who’s actually a really good guy who’s being forced to steal to support his younger siblings after his parents were killed in a tragic accident, and so he climbs in through her window, takes one look at her gorgeously made-up sleeping face, and realizes that, while he thought he was there to rob money, turns out he was really there to rob her heart™*). In a perfect moment of “Show, Don’t Tell”, Kelsey brags to the camera about being all-natural as Kardashian Eyelashes fixes her hair weave.
In a Perfect World, This Group Date Would Have Also Included a Flesh-Eating Piranha or a Bunch of Lady-Lovin’ Aliens. (But It Didn’t, So It Sucked)
The Group Date girls take off with Chris via two vintage convertibles. Kardashian Eyelashes somehow scored shotgun in Chris’ car, and she practically gives him a hand job the entire way, gushing that a man driving is “so hot, like the hottest thing ever.” Really? What else turns you on, Kardashian Eyelashes? A guy unlocking his house door, or just casually buying a newspaper?
“Oh my god, it’s the most beautiful place,” Megan gushes to us, as the two cars pull up to what looks like the lake from Pirahna 3DD. It is not the most beautiful place. It seriously is not the most beautiful place.
Chris announces that they’re going to have a lake day, so the girls all start stripping down. Like, really stripping down. Kardashian Eyelashes get up on the floating dock, takes her top off, and jumps in with her back to Chris (like, what was even the point, then?). Then the ever-classy Kaitlyn yanks her bikini bottoms down, but doesn’t take her top off before she jumps into the water (again, what is the point?).
These displays of wantonness do NOT make Schoolmarm Kelsey happy. In fact! Nothing about this WHOLE ENTIRE DATE EXPERIENCE makes Kelsey happy. According to her, it’s just not appropriate to take your clothes off in front of Chris during this “awkward” group date (which I begrudgingly agree is true). “This is a group date for bimbos,” she tells us, while she basks in the sun of her self-proclaimed dignity and self-respect. And besides the bimbos, the lake even had the audacity to be muddy! “I hate this dingy pond!” She whines. Wanna know why? Because she’s from Michigan, you guys. They have beautiulf lakes there. You wanna visit a lake? You go to Michigan, you asshole!
Kelsey proves that just because you are only wearing a bikini, does not mean you have to take your bitch pants off. #Bachelor
— Jill Biden – SLOTUS (@JillBidenVeep) January 27, 2015
But poor, poor, prudish Kelsey…her misery has just begun, because after a rousing game of Red Rover (not even kidding), Chris announces that they’ll all be spending the night there. Then Kelsey gets stung by a bee right by her vajeej, because God hates her.
So the girls set up their tents, and it’s basically a comedy of errors. Chris literally gets frustrated by how long it takes one group to set up their tent. THEY CAN’T HELP IT CHRIS! Kardashian Eyelashes tries to defend herself by telling us that she’s not only a virgin camping, but she’s also a camping virgin. HAHAHAHA! Get an actual life, Kardashian Eyelashes.
Later, after it’s dark, all the girls sit around a campfire, and Chris tries to jump out and scare them, and not even the fakiest girls act scared. Like, seriously, guys, it makes me feel sorry for you when you try to scare us and it fails. So just stop trying, mmmkay? Much like how I left pinned pants and silk blouses as viable fashion choices behind in the 7th grade, that is something you should have left behind, as well.
Kaitlyn gets some time alone with Chris, and she had The Five Love Languages talk. Chris is touchy-feely, he tells her, so his love language is touch. Kaitlyn is Words of Affirmation. For the record, I am both Touch and Quality Time, in case you were wondering. Unlike Kaitlyn, though, if you buy me something, it will make me happy. Also, if you bring me coffee in bed or fix my car, those gifts of service will also make me happy. And, you know, if you tell me that I look bangin’, that’ll also make me pretty happy. Basically, I am all the Love Languages, and all the Love Languages are me.
Meanwhile, the girls talk about how great this whole camping jam is and how the they’re all so lucky to be here and Kelsey’s like, “Really?” She actually says that. A couple of the girls note that Kelsey pouts a lot but when Chris is around, she’s smiling and laughing and acting like she’s having the best time ever. In pretty much the only redeeming moment Kardashian Eyelashes has had yet, she does a stunning impression of Kelsey’s fake laugh:
Ashley S decides that sitting around the campfire is a perfect place to start a sing-a-long, and suddenly I have a stunning moment when I feel like she might have worked with me back in my Bible Camp days. And then she breaks out into an actual camp song, and the resemblance to all the other bouncy, blonde, and this-close-to-a-medically-defined-mental-breakdown girls I worked with at camp is suuuuper eerie. We see a little more of Ashley S’s weirdness when she gets some alone time with Chris. The one perfect moment was when Chris tried to keep talking and Ashley basically kissed him to shut him up. “I hope that resonates within your mind tonight,” she tells him, then whispers, “You don’t have to say anything.” She stares deeply into Chris’ eyes, which are filled with some pretty blatant discomfort.
Mackenzie is turning out to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious girls on the show. During a group interlude, some of the girls are talking about how the place they’re camping by is kind of creepy, and reminds them of a place where aliens would land. Then Mackenzie asks us:
Oy. I AM GETTING SO MANY GOOD IDEAS FOR MY NEW EROTICA SERIES OF BOOKS, YOU GUYS.
During her time with Chris, Kardashian Eyelashes basically attacks him with her mouth. Chris keeps his eyes open while she’s kissing him, and it’s kind of totally obviously that he’s a little weirded out by how intense she is. Later, The Big Moment of some girl slipping into Chris’ tent to have sex with him ends up being Kardashian Eyelashes waking Chris up to talk to him about how she’s a total nerd and inexperienced in every way possible. Everyone else in America can tell that he just wants to go back to sleep and he’s trying to get her to stop talking, but she keeps asking him if he really “GOT” her.
Every guy likes being woken up from a deep sleep to talk about a girl's feelings. #TheBachelor
— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) January 27, 2015
“He can ask about it, he can probe at that area if he wants later on,” she tells us.
The Part In Which Some of The Girls Are Asked Some Hard-Hitting Questions By Three Blondes, and Jillian Once Again Is Dressed Inappropriately For Something.
While the other girls are on what is pretty much the perfect scenario for a Bachelor-themed horror film (who wants to write this with me?!), Chris’ sisters show up to the mansion. This is what they look like:
The sisters are all blonde and pretty, and one even lives in Ireland or something. While they’re talking to the girls, it’s noticed that Jillian’s butt is asleep on the patio. Someone goes and wakes her up, but since there’s no time for her to go change, she basically walks in wearing her bikini. Cool first impression, J.
The sisters announce that they’re here to interview the girls and pick one of them to go on a date with Chris. They talk to the girls one-on-one, and it’s like one of those job interviews where the women are nice, but you know that they’re sharply assessing every single gesture and word. Almost all the girls try to suck up to them, telling them how excited she’s been to meet them (honestly, stop. Every sister in the world knows that this actually is not true). The sisters grill Carly on how many serious relationships she’s had, and she tells them that she’s really only had one, and that the guy wasn’t “very nice” to her. She talks about her grandpa and how she looks for someone who’s like him and can make her feel the way that he did, and it’s kind of sad and sweet at the same time. Fuckin’ guys. Whitney does pretty good in her interview, Jade is sweet and soft-spoken, and Jillian blows it by being herself.
In the end, Jade is the one who is picked to go on a Royal Ball date with Chris. The twist is that Chris won’t know who’s going to show up, just that the sisters pick her. Britt surmises from the clues that it’s a Cinderella theme, and all the other girls are super jealous. Jade literally tears up when she finds out that she’s been picked by the sisters, but it’s like…it’s nice. You kind of get the feeling that Jade doesn’t have a disingenuous bone in her body.
When the other girls get back from their camping date, Julian tells the crowd about the sister date, and Kardashain Eyelashes is PISSED. If she had been there, she totally would have told the sisters that she’s a total Disney princess and that this would be her dream date, and they probably would have picked her (uh, no, they wouldn’t have). She’s so pissed that it’s hilarious. Two stylists come into the house, usher Jade into a room filled with evening dresses, shoes, and jewelry, and announce to Jade that they’re here to transform her. “Ashley I is gonna cry,” Jillian correctly predicts, as the girls all hang out in the doorway and watch. The Cinderella transformation does actually look pretty fun (Oh, BTW, this whole date is basically a promo for the new Cinderella movie). The trying-on of all the dresses does look really fun, and when Jade tries on a pair of shoes, the stylist tells her that if she likes them – they’re Louboutins, btw – she gets to keep them. Oh, and she also gets to keep all the Neil Lane jewelry she picks to wear on the date. I gotta hand it to the sisters, though – they really did pick the perfect girl for this: Jade is so sweet and unassuming about all of this. Kardashian Eyelashes, on the other hand, is busy throwing a huge fit. “It honestly physically pains me,” Kardashian says, about the fact that this whole Princess date is so her element and everything that she wanted. SHUT THE EFF UP ALREADY. Kardashian’s pain over not getting a Princess Date is so intense that her eyelashes are starting to fall off!
Just kidding! Those are fake.
The best part, though, is when the stylist pulls out her iPad and asks Jade if she wants to see where she got her inspiration from for the dresses, and Jade is like, “Uh, suuuuure”. WHADDYA KNOW IT’S A PROMO FOR THE NEW CINDERELLA MOVIE! These product placements are slick!
Then we see Chris dancing by himself like a total doof at the date venue, as he waits for his date to show up and he makes a lot of Fairy Tale Allusions before she even shows up, which literally makes me groan out loud. Jade shows up, he’s pleasantly surprised, they sit down and have dinner.
Jade makes a comment about feeling like she should tell him something, and everyone in America holds their breath, wondering if this is when she’s going to spill that she used to be a nude model, but, nope: She tells him that she was engaged before, when she was 21, to a guy from her hometown. Chris tells her he was with someone else for 7 years, and it was long distance, so he gets it. “Cheers to my sisters for making a super great decision, like for real,” he eloquently toasts, and the heads of Toastmasters everywhere explode into a billion bits of tiny colorful confetti.
Back at the Mansion, Kardashian gets dressed up in the dress she brought specifically in case she got picked for a princess date. “Tonight I’m going to have a Royal Ball, even if I have to have it all by myself!” she announces. She goes out to hang out with the girls, who are all dressed in comfy clothes and hanging by the pool. She looks crazy, but not as crazy as she does when she goes into the mansion and sits on the couch and eats a corn on the cob in her princess dress.
Stay Classy/Crazy, Kardashian.
Back at The Royal Ball, Chris and Jade get to dance to a full orchestra while Cinderella plays on a big screen. Chris does the thing where he dips Jade and kisses her and then lifts her up while they kiss, which is actually SUPER SMOOTH. Fucking good job for once, Chris.
“Excited to see where this thing goes,” he says to her, as they stand at the top of the biggest staircase in the entire world. Which is like the least charming thing he could say: Hey thanks for this magical time, I’m excited to see if I want to maybe call you in a couple days after the memories of this wears off! The click strikes midnight and they do the thing where Jade has to run out of there, which is kind of dumb. Plus, you make her run down a hug slight of stairs in new Louboutins? WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SUCH MONSTERS.
At the end, though, Chris tells us that he might have overlooked Jade before, but “I’m not going to overlook her anymore.”
See, that’s the kind of thing you say at the end of that kind of date.
The Part Where, If Any Guy On This Planet Ever Made Me Do Something Like This On A Date, I Would Flip Him The Double Birds, Go Back To The Limo & Then Leave Him There.
Jillian, Nikki, Carly, Whitney., Becca, Britt have been picked for the group date, and that morning, they receive big huge white boxes that they open out by the pool. Surprise! They’re wedding dresses! He-Man Jillian, of course, doesn’t love the idea of getting dressed up in some froufrou white confection. “I’m not feeling the best Jillian that I can feel today.” Which is pretty much the only redeeming thing she’s said this entire season.
After they’re changed into their dresses, they’re ushered to a private jet and flown to San Francisco, where they meet Chris on the edge of town in some abandoned field that looks like the perfect location for a mass bridal massacre. Chris is waiting for them, and he tells us, “In these dresses, these girls might think they’re gonna be walking don with aisle with me…”
Yeah. While some of these girls’ judgment is questionable, pretty sure none of them think that.
SURPRISE! IT’S A FUCKING MUCK RUN. You guys, I would be so fucking pissed. DO NOT MAKE ME DO ATHLETIC COMPETITION STUFF ON DATES. Especially not after I just took the time to get all beautified in a gorgeous dress, mmmkay?
Whitney tries to figure out what Muck Fest is all about. “I think a muck fest is a cross between mud and schmuck? What’s schmuck?” MUCK is another term for MUD, ya adorable baby voiced idiot!
So the girls run, because the prize for the winner is a romantic one-on-one date in San Francisco with Chris. Jillian wins. Yawn.
And of course she’s a super bitch about it.
There's this cool thing called "winning graciously". Jillian should really check it out sometime. #TheBachelor
— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) January 27, 2015
Also, dudes, these group dates are bullshit. The other girls got an ENTIRE OVERNIGHT date with him, and these other girls have to run a fucking obstacle course in wedding dresses and then they get sent home when they don’t win? I would not be a good sport about that shit.
Anyway – Jillian and Chris go to San Francisco, the whole set-up is beautiful, but Jillian talks the entire time. “I feel like I’m more on the Take end of the conversation so far…it’s nice to listen so far, and not have the pressure to talk so much,” Chris tells us at first, doing his best polite version of “LADY. SHUT YER MOUTH.” Then he says, “When Jillian’s talking, I find myself confused, because the words come out a lot faster than my mind can process.”
HAHAHAHAHA. Thanks for summing up the entire season for us, Chris.
Then Jillian basically pulls out her vulgar Would You Rather jokes and Chris grabs that date rose and tosses it off the balcony.
“We were given one of the most romantic settings to make something happen, and it just fell face forward,” He tells Jillian, explaining that he didn’t feel a connection. She cries a bunch and tries to explain that she was nervous, but in the end, he was all, “PACK YA BAGS, YA DONE.”
And I’m not sad about it, mostly because we never again have to see her do this:
The Cocktail Party Where Being Here For The Right Reasons Sadly Doesn’t Necessarily Mean That You’re Here For Anodda Cocktail
During the cocktail party, Megan decides to whip out some tricks she learned from Cosmo during her alone time with Chris. She blindfolds Chris and feeds him some fruit and melted chocolate while talking about the five senses.
For the record, she doesn’t actually know what all the five sense are.
I’m not even kidding, you guys. This is an actual admission she made while doing this.
Kardashian Eyelashes, worried that Chris may not have GOT what she was trying to tell him when she snuck into his tent, decides to steal him away and just outright tell him that she’s a virgin. The talk goes well, but then later she flips out to Mackenzie, saying that she probably freaked Chris out because for the first time ever, he didn’t kiss her.
Yeah…all those other times? You were the one who attacked Chris with your mouth, Kardashian, not the other way around.
Mackenzie calls it in that Eyelashes blows everything out of proportion. But Kardashian is a drama queen, so she tells all the other girls that she’s a virgin, hoping for some commiseration. Carly is surprised since she’s seen Kardashian kiss Chris at least 13,000 times.
Britt feels insecure and wastes her time with Chris to ask him why Kardashian’s and Kaitlyn’s actions – a.k.a., their weird half-skinny dipping actions on the camping trip – were being validated with roses. Chris gets pissed, calls the girls into a room, and tells them that he is here to find a wife. “And if any of you question that, you are welcome to leave.”
The roses are handed out, and Nikki, Ashley S., and Juelia are all sent home. I feel bad for Nikki the way I do with all the girls who seemed like they never really got a chance for a Chris to know them. There didn’t really seem to be a connection between Jeulia and Chris, and Ashley S….well…
“I feel…NOTHING,” she tells us. “I’m not upset at all. Like honestly, I am who I am. I’m not worried about me.”
WE are kind of worried about you, though, Ashley. I sincerely, genuinely hope that if she needs psychiatric care, that she gets it.
ANYWAY! Still at the top of my bracket wit’ mah picks:
* This story will be coming to you soon via the Romance/Erotica Genre wherever eBooks are sold)