Every season, I look forward to The Women Tell All (or, more aptly, The Men Tell All, because that shit is always super fun). From the very beginning, it’s been the best episode of the entire season – a chance to see get the women’s inside perspective on the show, each other, and less importantly, the Bachelor.
In later seasons, though, the Bachelor franchise has skimped on the Women Tell All – filling up the time with unnecessary flashbacks, Harrison and the Bachelor showing up at Bachelor viewing parties, and talking to the girls we could give a shit about. I wanna hear the DIRT! I wanna know about the stuff that we didn’t get to see! I wanna hear what each girl REALLY thinks about the Bachelor! I wanna hear which girl all the other girls thinks will get a rose!
So this year, after the craziness and drama of this season – which made it even more obvious that the producers knew just how boring Chris would be, so they instead focused on finding crazy, dramatic, controversial girls to fill the house with – I told my pals that if the Women Tell All skimped on the gossip this year, I was gonna put a hit out on some of the producers I follow on Twitter.
I actually don’t care that much.
But I WAS gonna complain about it on Twitter.
Luckily, that didn’t have to happen. Even though WTA missed the mark on some stuff, there was enough to keep me happy.
— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) March 3, 2015
Harrison & Chris Surprise Some Bachelor Viewing Parties That Nobody Cares About Unless They Were Actually At Those Viewing Parties
Snooze. Stop wasting our time with this unless you’re going to show up at every viewing party in America, because we could give a shit what other girls are doing or how excited they were to see Chris and Harrison. The End.
The Part Where Ashley S Basically Admits To Being a Total Freaking Weirdo Yet I Still Suspect That She’s On Some Psychotropic Drugs Because That Shit Is Messed Up
I mean, that’s basically it. She got up onto the hot seat, gave Harrison an onion as a gift, shrugged about being such a weirdo, and Harrison begged her to be a part of Bachelor In Paradise.
The Part Where We Kind of Want To Take Britt’s Side At First But Then She Cries All The Time So We’re All Just Like, SHUT UP, BRITT
So let’s get to the part that we’ve all been waiting for: The part where Britt confronts Carly on how she thought Carly was her friend but she betrayed her, etc.
First, I gotta say it: Carly looks great:
…and Britt looks like she’s still wearing the same makeup from her one-on-one date with Chris (her dress is rad, though).
Here’s how the conversation played out:
Britt: I thought, like, you were my best friend, dude.
Carly: Yeah, I never said that.
Britt: But we sat on your bed and talked about our feelings and wrote in our dream journals together. I wrote down all the songs you told me to check out, and I wrote them in my journal.
Jillian: “CARLY YOU TOLD EVERYONE I HAD A BIG DIIIIIICK!” *HULK SMASHES CHAIR*
Some girl that none of us have ever seen before: “It wasn’t about FRIENDSHIP! It was about CHRIS!”
Britt: *waits for camera to turn to her again, then cries*
Harrison: “Britt, come up here.”
Britt: “Carly ruined my relationship with Chris.”
Carly: “No, you ruined it because you were being fake.”
Jade: “Yeah, Britt, you’re pretty fake.”
Britt: “I just think Carly’s jealous and would rather hate on me than focus on her own issues.”
Britt: “Ashley I. lied about me not wanting kids. I’ve worked with kids my entire life! I love kids! I’ve done a MILLION THINGS WITH KIDS!”
Ashley I: *bats eyelash extensions* “Like, sorry. Miscommunication.”
Britt: *cries some more*
Harrison: “Did you really think you would be happy in Iowa, Britt? I don’t even see you staying there for very long.”
Britt: “But a house. In the country. With Chris. I mean…”
Harrison: “You gonna cry some more?”
Britt: *waits for the camera to turn to her again* *nods* *cries some more*
Harrison: “Get outta here, ya dramatic baby.”
Kaitlyn: “YEAH, GET OUTTA HERE.”
Kelsey Tries To Get Us To Feel Sorry For Her, But The More We See The Footage of Her From The Season, The Less We Do
So Kelsey goes up to the hot seat and says a bunch of fake stuff about how she felt so betrayed by the women, and that she feels like she’s “grieving all over again”. This REALLY pisses the women off. First of all, yes – no one knows what your grief journey is like except for you, and everyone grieves in your own way, and I’m not going to speak to whether Kelsey was ready to go on the show or not. But, it’s the using your grieving process as a way to gain sympathy that is annoying and gross, and I feel like some of the girls didn’t quite get that point across as eloquently as they could have. But wow – a LOT of them really were truly and thoroughly disgusted with her. Ashley I. wouldn’t accept Kelsey’s apology about saying that Kelsey was up “here” and Ashley was down “there”, and when Kelsey tried to get all uppity about Ashley insinuating that “Sanderson Poe” – also, does anyone else note that Kelsey loves to say his whole name like that? You know she fucking loves that name and just wants everyone to be all, “Oh, what a COOL name! He must be a MUSICIAN!” So annoying – was actually fake and Kelsey was never married in the first place, Ashley literally just rolled her eyes, shrugged her shoulders, and retorted that it was so bizarre how, every time Kelsey brought the story up, that she never showed emotion. “It really was unbelievable.”
And then Juelia laid into Kelsey, telling her that she’s never seen someone so calculating in using something tragic that had happened to her (and Juelia can speak to that, actually) and called her condescending and rude. “There’s a reason why you’re not friends with these people.”
Ooof. That was way harsh, Tai.
But it was Trina – whom, again, we’ve never seen before – who hit it on the head with Kelsey bragging that she had “an amazing story.” “You don’t say that when you lose someone!” Nope. No, you don’t. Unless you’re Kelsey, in which case you revel in the tragedy. Samantha’s reason for hating Kelsey was personal, in that she felt that the reason why she got elminated when she did was because Kesley orchestrated a “pity rose” with her panic attack. “I lost out,” Samantha pointed out. “Sammy,” Kelsey replied – oof, DO NOT CALL HER SAMMY, YOU DON’T KNOW HER LIKE THAT – “You should know that I felt like it was my fault that the cocktail party got canceled.”
Chris Finally Shows His Face
So Chris comes out, and immediately Harrison notes that Britt is getting “emotional” again. “Can I come up there?” she asks. OF COURSE YOU CAN, BRITT, DIDN’T YOU KNOW? THIS WHOLE SHOW IS ABOUT YOU!
Britt goes up to Chris, gives him the longest, most awkward hug ever, then not only hijacks his appearance, but uses it to shit-talk Carly to him. “I don’t think it’s bad that you believed her. She duped me too,” she told him.
What. A. Bitch.
I used to really like Britt, and as some of you might remember me saying at the beginning of the season, unless she ended up doing something horribly wrong, I really wanted her for the next Bachelorette. And Carly might be jealous, but I’m kind of on her side because she reminds me of the girl in the movie who sees the pretty, popular girl for who she really is and only wants to take her down so that everyone else can finally see the popular girl for the shitty person she is, too.
Britt is a spoiled brat. Someone had also brought up the whole “fear of heights” vs. “SO EXCITED for the hot air balloon ride” thing that also painted Britt as disingenuous, and you know what Britt’s reply was? That she and Chris had AMAZING conversations on the hot air balloon ride, but that wasn’t shown because the girls were all back at the hotel, talking badly about her and how she didn’t want to have kids. SORRY THAT THE PRODUCERS DIDN’T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU, BRITT.
The best, though, was when Britt tried to do the “look at how wonderful and mature and kind I’m being about this whole thing” by telling Chris that she didn’t blame him for believing Carly and that he did the right thing with the information that he had, and that she was just “really proud” of him and that she respected him. “I never lied to you.” Chris, in response, thanked her for her words, but laid the smack down that Carly had nothing to do with why he would have asked her to leave the show if she hadn’t decided to leave first (or, what he really meant was, “that time you pretended to leave just to get me to convince you to stay because you knew you probably weren’t getting a rose”). “My decision was based on our journey together and our relationship,” he said.
HAHAHA, BRITT, GUESS YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.
In the now infamous words of Carly:
“How it’s feel?”
Agreed x A Billion RT @SeanLowe09: I can't watch Britt cry anymore.
— Amber L. Carter (@amber_lcarter) March 3, 2015
So that was fun.
The Part Where Kaitlyn Stays In Her Seat And America Loves Her Because She’s Now The Opposite of Britt
Chris and Kaitlyn’s conversation was surprisingly low-key. Harrison had called Kaitlyn up to talk earlier in the show, where she admitted that she had been falling in love with Chris, and that she just needed some closure on why she was sent home. So when Chris came out, Kaitlyn stayed where she was, she didn’t cry, and she was very much all “Yo, explain yourself” to Chris about eliminating her instead of Becca. She dropped something in there that made America realize that they had, indeed, done it in the Fantasy Suite, but what she really wanted to know was why he let her stand through a rose ceremony if he knew she was going home. The unspoken insinuation was “Why would you pull Becca away to talk to her and give her a chance to leave gracefully, but yet you let me stand there and wait to be eliminated like a chump?” Chris told her he still didn’t have an answer (dick), and that, going into the rose ceremony, “I was still wavering on what my decisions were going to be and I apologize. I could have handled it differently and in hindsight that would’ve been the right thing to do.” Yep.
The Part Where Chris Does Something Right For Once When He Talks To Jade
So Jade joins Chris in the hot seat and pretty much gives it to him about how, when he eliminated her, he told her it didn’t have to do with her nudie pics, but that she then later read his blog about how he was “disturbed” to learn about her wilder side from her brothers. She explained that she had been showing Chris a shyer side of her as they got to know each other better, and that his words really hurt her. “After the episode aired I read your People blog and what you said really hurt me,” she told him. “You said that the person that you knew and the person my family described were two different people and that was ‘disturbing’ and I just want to know what you mean by that.” Chris apologized, and explained that “caught off-guard” was probably a better way to put it. Jade also called him on saying that looking at the photos were awkward, and we got some background intel that, when the nudie video screening was happening, Chris and Jade had had a conversation about the fact that seeing the video should maybe be saved for a special moment but Jade also didn’t want Chris to see the photos or video from someone else, so Chris, in the end, told her it was okay if they looked at them right then. Chris apologized for making her feel like she had been thrown under the bus, but that awkward was truly how “it initially felt. And I think you would have felt a little awkward as well!” (if it had been nude photos of Chris). Personally, I don’t feel like that would have been awkward at all..it’s practically what we’ve been watching this entire season for in the secret hopes of. But, that explanation seemed to break the ice between them, and they hugged and laughed and yay Jade.
Then we got to see the bloopers – yawn – and then Harrison announces that he’s written a book! And it’s a romance novel!
IT BETTER NOT BE ABOUT ANY OF THE STORY IDEAS I’VE WRITTEN ABOUT IN MY RECAPS, HARRISON! I KNOW YOU READ THESE RECAPS AND IF YOU STOLE ANY OF THOSE STORY IDEAS I WILL SUE YOU AND THE PRICE YOU WILL BE ORDERED TO PAY BY A COURT OF LAW IS TO MARRY ME AND BE THE FATHER OF ALL MY CHILDREN!
See you Bachelor Baes next week, when Chris picks Whitney and Becca goes home to remain a virgin FOREVER!