What’s up, Bachelor babes!
ON WITH THE LINX:
1) So first, THIS HAPPENED:
(and yeah, we’re starting with stuff about me because this MY blog and I basically only started this blog so I could talk about ME so tough nutz deal with it MOM)
You can see the tweet live here, but note that one of the first people to like the tweet was Martin Shkreli himself, which I didn’t know whether to be proud or ashamed of…maybe both?
And THEN, THIS HAPPENED:
Elan Gale is not a just a Bachelor executive producer, popular tweeter, and all-around renaissance man, my friends…he is also…a hero.
2) Bachelor At 20: A Celebration of Love
Last night – which was Valentine’s Day, for those of you like me who don’t care about that stuff – was the Bachelor At 20 special, which also included Jade and Tanner’s wedding! I missed it because I was busy working on this, but you bet your sweet ass I’ll be watching it as soon as I’m done with this. Which ALSO means that this is the perfect time for you to tell me your thoughts on the special in the comments below and influence my opinions before I have time to form my own! Which is basically my favorite thing in the world to do to a person – it’s like mind control, basically – so the fact that I’m letting you do it to me is like Valentine’s Day all over again for you.
3) Did Jade & Tanner Pay For Their Wedding? The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Couple Is Probably Making Money
I’m highly enjoying all the Bachelor content that Bustle has been producing this season, but guys…if you’re going to write an article about whether or not something The Bachelor-related is happening, I’m going to need you to actually do some research and find some answers for said article. Like, I don’t need to read a three paragraph article about whether or not Tanner and Jade got paid for their wedding that just basically says, “Oh, yeah, I actually don’t know. *shrugs* Probably?” If you’re going to open that door, then I want to know DETAILS. I’ve seen too many pieces like this on Bustle lately where the author is basically just wondering out loud about whether or not something is happening, which is fine if the headline makes it known it’s an opinion piece, but when it parades around as a “Hey, do you wonder about this, too? Click to read more about it!” and it doesn’t actually deliver on that, that’s annoying to me because then your headline is misleading and also if you have THE BUSTLE behind you, fucking make some phone calls and give us some dish we can’t already find on US Weekly, kay?
4) Kaitlyn Bristowe Joins LadyGang (Podcast)
I REALLY enjoy the LadyGang (formerly known as Fempire) podcast, and Kaitlyn Bristowe makes a GREAT podcast guest…the kind that I want on all of my favorite podcasts. The kind that I want to start her OWN podcast just so I can listen to her funny and uncensored takes on stuff all the more.
Like, in a perfect world, Kaitlyn and my future husband J.J. Lane would start a podcast TOGETHER, and the universe would align and all of my manifestations would come true at once and I’d just spend my days listening to that podcast in between my busy schedule of diving into my pool of money at my ocean-side mansion whilst taking a break from having tons of sex with super hot dudes right before I have Chipotle delivered right to my door for lunch.
5) The Bachelor’s Olivia Slams Her ‘Haters’ in Instagram Rant: ‘Words Hurt — and They Kill’
A.k.a, Olivia tries to make us feel bad for making fun of her.
And iif you care, here’s her blog for All Things Olivia.
Also, US Weekly, if you’re going to quote a line from the show, at least do your work and fact-check it so you can get it right. She didn’t say, “Deep philosophical things are just my jam.” She SAID, “Deep INTELLECTUAL things are just my jam.” When you mess up stuff like this, it makes people like me who don’t (yet) get paid to write about The Bachelor really cranky, because it shows us that you don’t actually care and therefore are not fit to hold aloft the coveted torch of Bachelor reporting.
SO FUCKING DO YOUR JOB RIGHT, OR I’M GOING TO DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO TAKE THAT JOB AWAY FROM YOU.
*smooths skirt, pivots on stylish heel, glides away*
Guys, tonight I listened to a podcast where Ali Fedotowsky was the guest and I didn't want to burn anything down to the ground! #TheBachelor
— AC Writer (@amber_lcarter) February 12, 2016
For those of you who are new, I have a long and illustrious history of loathing every single thing that Ali says and does, and have been so vocal about that loathing, in fact, that Ali blocked me on Twitter two years ago, a fact that I still think is hilarious and will still occasionally come up with clever ways to get around that block so she still has to be reminded of how much I don’t like her.
It’s like a service, that I do. A service that serves to keep non-humble people more humble. Ya see? I’m a giver. A helper. A servant to the world.
So anyway, I was as shocked as anyone when I listened to her on the LadyGang podcast and her words didn’t make me want to smash a window or overturn a parked car.
You can listen to the podcast for yourself here.
7) Eliminated Bachelor Contestant Meets the Sound Guy
I love Jimmy Kimmel. Bachelor season is just not complete without his recaps/gags.
8) An Homage by The Bachelor’s De Facto Poet Laureate
This is a little old, but I’m trying to clean out + organize my Bachelor bookmarks folder, so just humor me a lil’, kay?
9) 12 ‘The Bachelorette’ Contestants Who Totally Should Have Been Named The Bachelor
There’s SO MUCH that I disagree with in this list (like, the guy who roasted Ashley Herbert repeatedly about having small boobs? SHOULD NOT be made the next Bachelor). But I like to think that I’m democratic (I’m really not, I would totally rule with an iron fist) and so I’ll link to this here and let you think for yourself for once. But you better tell me what you think of the picks in the comments OR I’LL IMPRISON YOU IN THE TOWER ALONG WITH YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY.
See, I’ve been watching a lot of BBC historical dramas on royalty lately…
10) Blast From The Past: Sean Lowe on the Bachelor Moments That Made Him Cringe | PopSugar.com
11) Want Des to help you plan your wedding? Sign up for The Aisle Files!
I like Des about as much as I like Ali, but I also care about giving you value in these here linx, so here you go.
12) Ben Higgins: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me (I Once Found $1 Million Worth of Cocaine!) | US Weekly.com
I kind of feel like we should make all of the prospective Bachelors do this BEFORE they get picked for their own season, just to figure out whether or not they’re too boring for the 25 Things list (remember how boring and lame Chris Soules’ list was? WE COULD’VE SAVED OURSELVES SO MUCH TIME, NOT MENTION BORING ASS DATES IN FUCKING SOUTH DAKOTA)
If the impossible happens and Ashley is the next Bachelorette? I won’t complain. I’d love to see her back on my TV on a weekly basis again, especially if she promises to explain how her eyelashes always look so flawless.
At first glance, I actually don’t hate this idea. But then I think about how exhausting it got, watching her cry other minute on Bachelor In Paradise, and then I remember how quickly I got tired of her dramatic antics and just wanted her to go home.
14) Anodda Blast From The Past: America’s Number One Reality Couple | Where Are They Now? | Oprah Winfrey Network
I got so many videos like this stocked up, you guys. You don’t even know! Maybe next Monday I’ll just do a whole retro Bachelor link buffet?
15) ‘Bachelor’s’ Tenley Molzahn Opens Up About Her ‘Gorgeous’ New Boyfriend | US Weekly.com
Tenley’s someone I’ve warmed up to since she was on Bachelor In Paradise this last summer, so for probably the first time ever, I was actually a little interested in what she had to say.
16) IN CASE YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW: SHARLEEN JOYNT DOES BACHELOR RECAPS ON HER BLOG AND THEY MAKE ME VERY HAPPY
Sharleen, you might remember, was on Juan Pablo’s season and became a star-runner for being stunning, accomplished, and decidedly more cerebral than most contestants we’ve seen on past seasons (as in, no one could figure out why a girl like her would like a dum-dum like him). I’m also obsessed with her Instagram.
17) Former Bachelor Stars: Where Are They Now? | Parade.com
One of the things I do for the job I actually get paid for is build collections entirely of “Where Are They Now?” pieces (and yes, it’s the best ever and proof that dreams really do come true). So here’s one out of the thousands that I’ve found so far + bookmarked for future Linx lists!
Jen Schefft won 2003’s The Bachelor (Andrew Firestone’s season) and starred in the second season/2004’s The Bachelorette. She famously turned down both proposals during The Final Rose Ceremony, and then wrote a book about it!
Which is kind of perfect for the day after Valentine’s Day, yes? Because if your Valentine’s Days are anything like MY Valentine’s Days, a lot of you broke up with your boyfriends yesterday, I bet.
So…here’s a book to help?
19) Jason Ritter: Why ‘I Can’t Stop Watching’ ‘The Bachelor’ — Video | US Weekly.com
Maybe you don’t know who Jason Ritter is. Read/watch this and find out!
20) Fashion Inspiration From Our Favorite Bachelorettes | Country Outfitter Life.com
I wouldn’t normally turn into Country Outfitter Life for fashion inspiration – because I’m a sophisticated CITY WOMAN! – but when it comes to anything Bachelor-fashion-related, I’m usually there.
Related: I really need to get myself a cute pair of cut-offs, not only because all my favorite Bachelorettes are wearing them, but also because I’ve got legs for days and an ass that just won’t quit, so you’d THINK that I’d be wearing those things every damn day, right? But I’m not, which makes me feel like I’m not valuing my body enough, and so that is something that I need to get right with both myself and my Lord our God.
Pray for me?
Alright! That’s it for Bachelor linx this week! I’ll be out with the recap Tuesday or Wednesday (Thursday if things get crazy), so check back for that…OR you can follow me on Twitter, keep up wit’ my Facebook Page, or subscribe to my once-a-week email newsletter instead of hoofing it over here every other day to see what’s up. I’ll be creepin’ on all your live tweets tonight via my Bachelor Master List, which you can also follow.
Until then, bachelor babes, keep it 100 on the hot tubs, bikinis, and wine-soaked tears!