Welcome to Episode 3 of The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer! This episode was a very special episode – not only was Jimmy Kimmel the guest host and producer, but this episode also got kicked off my DVR thanks to Celebrity Apprentice having a higher priority (NOBODY knows how that happened), so I had to tunnel through some totally completely legal channels to watch the full episode thanks to ABC being a bag of dicks with their “You need a cable provider to watch episodes On Demand, but we don’t deal with DirecTV or Comcast, so…HAHAHAHAHA! SUCK IT IF YOU MISSED THIS, YOU CAN WATCH IT AFTER THE NEXT EPISODE AIRS” policy.
Yeah. I have some feeling about it.
But anyway! Let’s get to what is pretty much my favorite episode in the entire history of the Bachelor franchise, shall we?
Our episode picks up where last week’s episode left off, with Jimmy waking Farmer Chris from a deep sleep to announce that he’s going to be helping him this week. The surprise on Chris’ half-asleep face as he realizes that Jimmy is leaning over his bedside is pretty much the only genuine moment of the entire season so far, and it’s amazing.
Then Jimmy walks into the girl’s living room to greet The Sister Wives, and jokes that he’s going to help Chris make his decision by making love to each of them. Which is made more hilarious by the fact that it’s pretty obvious that most of those girls would be TOTALLY down for that. He announces that he’ll be planning the dates for the rest of the week, and that he’s also starting what he calls The Amazing Jar: Every time someone says “Amazing“, they have to drop a dollar into the jar.
The other notable part of Jimmy’s stand-up routine during this time is that Chris Harrison looks visibly uncomfortable/annoyed by Jimmy’s presence. For someone who typically plays super cool in the face of people he obviously loathes (a.k.a., Juan Pablo’s entire season), it’s kind of uncomfortable to see him visibly aggravated (but also suuuuuuper interesting…)
The 1-On-1 Date Upon Which All My Bachelor Dreams Comes True
Kaitlyn gets the first 1-on-1 date of the week (barf. She is still my least favorite). The card reads something about the date being at a members-only club, with vaulted ceilings, a great view, and endless h’oroerdves. “If Jimmy’s planning it, it’s probably somewhere really amazing,” one of the girls offers. “It sounds like a really extravagant date,” Kardashian Eyelashes predicts.
In the limo ride, Kaitlyn and Chris talk about how amazing the date is probably going to be since Jimmy is in charge of it (real speak: He’s a celebrity and has connections, and they fully expect him to take advantage of that for their date). Then the limo pulls up in front of…
Which is HILARIOUS, because just that afternoon I was on the way to IKEA with my pal Paulson and I was telling her how, if I were planning The Bachelor, I would plan all the dates around going to IKEA or Target on a Saturday afternoon. “That’s the real test of romance,” I noted, as we pulled onto the interstate. “Whether you can handle an afternoon in the third dimension of retail hell and still like each other afterward.
Plus, the look on Kaitlyn’s face is so priceless when she realizes that it’s not a joke. “Really? We’re getting out here?” she asks. You’re dressed in a grey jersey maxi skirt, a white crop top, and you’ve got a plaid flannel shirt tied around your waist – there’s nowhere else that’s appropriate for you to go other THAN Costco, chick.
They get handed a note from Jimmy, which basically tells them that this is what real couples do together (true), and that he’s coming over for dinner later, so they need to make sure to pick up all the things on the list (he also added some personal items like jeans, socks, etc, + gave them the use of his personal Costco card).
“Kaitlyn’s being a great sport,” Chris observes, as we see them bouncing down the aisles, pushing a cart. “I don’t know of many other girls like this that can handle a date like this.” Really? How many girls do you know who would have thrown a fit on national TV about having to go grocery shopping? I love how people make such a big deal about this – every girl worth her salt knows that when faced with the mundane and necessary while on a date, it’s your job to pretend like you’re not a diva (even if you are) and to make it as fun and spontaneous as you can. It’s the ol’ Car Lost In a Parking Ramp test – are you the girl who gets impatient or the one who’s like, “Ooooh, this is an adventure!” (even if that’s total bullshit and you’re like, DUDE. NEXT TIME REMEMBER WHERE YOU PARKED)?
Basically, women loved Gone Girl because the Cool Girl thing? Is super fucking true.
We see them roll down the hall in a blow-up water ball, and Chris is the worst first kisser ever – he’s totally the kind of guy who’s focused on just getting it done and out of the way, and so he looks for any semi-appropriate moment to jump into it, even if it ends up being super awks and weird.
Like, who taught all guys that if you’re laughing with a girl, go ahead and ruin that moment by slowly moving in for the first kiss? It’s weird. It ruins the moment. The only time that works is in the movies, and it’s either choreographed to death to make it look smooth or it’s purposefully written to be endearingly awkward. And unless you’re Nick Miller from Gone Girl, the endearingly awkward maybe doesn’t work for you (and even he knew how to make the awkward into ultimately hot, so. Hey. HEY ALL GUYS, BE MORE LIKE NICK MILLER, KAY?)
Plus, how about you wait until you’re out of Costco to kiss, because even though she’s being a sport, nobody wants to remember their first kiss with you as being in the middle of a wholesale members-only warehouse.
Later in the night, we see Kaitlyn and Chris preparing dinner at Chris’ pad. Kaitlyn waxes romantic about how this is like sooo normal, like they’re already living together and getting ready for their friend to come over for dinner. Yeah, Jimmy’s not your friend, trick, but thanks for playing. We watch Chris not move his mouth some more when he’s talking, and he and Kaitlyn are doing the thing where they’re sitting next to each other and are still not totally comfortable touching each other but are trying to do a lot of it, anyway.
They start making out, and keep on trading tonsil secrets when Jimmy walks in. It’s basically a dinner of hilarity: The only time that we really see Chris having a sense of humor is when Jimmy is around, and I kind of find myself wishing that the entire season could just revolve around Chris going on dates with girls while Jimmy plays the third wheel. Jimmy gives Kaitlyn crap about dating farmers, he gives Chris crap about sleeping with all the women…it’s awesome.
Or should I say…AMAZING. Because it’s at this point in the show that we realize that every time someone says amazing, there’s a little ding.
Jimmy hands the date rose to Chris. Chris tries to give Kaitlyn a speech about how amazing (ding!) she is, but Jimmy stops him and tells him that his speech is terrible so far. “You son of a bitch!” Chris laughs, which is officially my new favorite moment of the season. Jimmy tells Chris to start over, but counts each utterance of “amazing”. “You have a way with words,” Jimmy tells Chris after he hands the rose the Kaitlyn. “Are there people on the farm, or just animals?”
The Date Upon Chris Gets A Preview of How The Girls React To Having Something Salty & Warm In Their Mouth
The Group Date card asks Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsy, Amber, Ashely S, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly if they’re ready to meet some real party animals.
Yep. It’s a date on a farm!
But just not any date – it’s another one of those super fun competitions / obstacle courses where a group of girls must compete with each other for 5 minutes with the Bachelor. First they have to husk some corn; next they have to get an egg from an egg coup, then crack the egg in a frying pan without breaking the yoke; then they have to milk a goat and fill a mason jar with the milk up to the red line, then drink the milk; next they have to shovel manure; and finally, they have to wrestle a greasy pig.
Suuuuper fun, right guys?! Also, pretty sure we’ve seen this type of date about three times so far. Some of the girls act like this is going to be the best thing ever. Personally, I’d be pissed. But in case you guys didn’t know already, Chris is a FARMER, and to him, if a girl “can’t shuck some corn or get her hands dirty, she’s not for me.”
It’s gonna be really fun when he gets that girl on his actual farm and she’s like, “uh, yeah…I did that because I had to, and because I was on TV, but pretty sure that since you’re a MILLIONAIRE, you can just hire someone to do all that stuff.”
He-Man Jillian decides that this is going to be the best thing ever because she’s so buff. We have to see her flex her dumb muscles yet again and make some rawr faces, but all of that gets made up for when we see the producers put the ever present black bar on her ass again. Her shorts are way too short, and every time she bends over even an inch, her ass is hanging out.
“Oh Jillian’s shorts?” Mackenzie tells us. “That’s what the cows are mooing at. They like her ass!” Then she makes a face which is admittedly hilarious, and while I still think she’s too young and dumb to be on the Bachelor, I kind of like that Mackenzie now.
Carly, on her end, is killing it.
She slams through the rounds, guzzling the goat’s milk down even though she’s lactose intolerant. Kelsey, however, is having a hard time with drinking the milk, and millions of viewers everywhere suddenly realize that we’re now seeing a side to Kelsey’s beside manner that none of us really ever wanted to know about. “I’m kind of glad I didn’t have to drink the goat’s milk,” Amber tells us, who got eliminated during the cracking an egg portion. “According to Kelsey, it’s kind of salty and warm…not stuff I like to have in my mouth.”
“And some of the girls said it tasted like protein.”
Carly’s winning, but gets sidetracked by trying to untie the rope so she can get into the pig pen. Jillian decides to bypass that unnecessary step and jump the fence – with her butt halfway out of ther shorts, of course. “You guys have to put that in slow mo,” Britt says, “Because that was the most epic thing I’ve ever seen.”
So they do it. And she’s right. Hilarious.
Carly notes that “everyone’s running for the pig. You don’t run for the pig, because they’re going to run away” and she’s totally right. Instead, Carly positions herself opposite of the other girls, and she ends up scooping up a pig and putting it in the finish line pen. CARLY WINS, which means that JILLIAN LOSES, which makes me happy.
For her prize, she gets to do an American Gothic-esque photo shoot with Chris.
Later that night, during the dress-up portion of the group date, Carly pulls Chris away. “You are a man, and I am a woman, and I just want to take advantage of it,” she tells him, then goes in for the kiss. Which…I mean…the speech. Could have done without it.
Later, Amber asks him to slow dance with her. “We can make our own music…let’s pretend that this is our wedding.” OMG. I haven’t forced a guy to do that with me since kindergarten…or, at least, I don’t actually state that scenario out loud, I just pretend to myself while he’s totally oblivious. It’s totally awks, and then she goes in for the kiss, too, which kind of makes it even worse, if that’s even possible.
“There’s a fair amount of kissing going on, which is the point of the whole deal,” Chris tells us. “If I’m feeling it, I’m going to go for it.” AND NOBODY IS GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, GUYS.
During her time with him, Mackenzie asks, “Hey, remember when we kissed? Like, why are you kissing everyone else, too?” HAHAHAHA! She puts him on the spot, and he looks a little upset. Britt mentions to us that she’s never been with someone while they’ve been kissing other people…and while, yes, I want to shake some of these girls and ask them if they actually understand what show they’re on, I guess when Britt puts it like that, it kind of makes sense. Also, I love Britt…she’s this season’s Andi. Unless she does a total 180 and gets totally cray or bitchy later in the season, she’s totally my pick for the next Bachelorette.
Chris has time with Becca, and she gives him a hug instead of letting him kiss her. She explains that it’s not that she doesn’t want to kiss him, but she doesn’t want to rush it. I love girls like that – when it’s coming from a spirit of genuinely wanting some realness instead of trying to manipulate the situation, it’s refreshing.
Chris ends the date by saying “There’s obviously the elephant here laying in the room” (I want to make fun of this, but if you’ve ever listened to one of my podcasts, then you know I do this stuff all the time) and then gives the rose to Becca.
It’s always the chick who doesn’t put out, ladies.
Carly’s upset about it, however, and for the first time, she realizes that it really hurts to not get that rose. Which, you know what? There’s kind of starting to be a trend here – the girl who “wins” whatever group date competition usually does not get a rose at the end of the date. I kind of want all the girls to just shrug and shuffle through the group date competitions from now on and see what happens, because obviously winning means shite.
Imagine YOLO Being Said By a Baby, & That’s This Date.
Baby-Voiced Whitney gets the one-on-one date card – and literally cries about it, which is kind of sweet but also WTF. The card says something about “no whining”, which OBVIOUSLY means they’re going to a winery.
Chris and Whitney sit at the edge of a hill, overlooking a lush green winery, talking about what “roll the cob” means – you, like Whitney, might think it means go with the flow, but according to Chris, “shooting the shit” is a more apt description – and congratulating each other on how genuine they both are. They notice a wedding happening in the valley below, so Whitney does the “I’m gonna show you that I’m the kind of super fun and spontaneous girl you’ll never be bored with” thing and suggests that they crash the wedding reception. At, first, I’m actually kind of afraid that Chris is going to shit his pants, but backing down from the suggestion would make him look like a total wuss, so instead the words that come out of his non-moving lips sound something like, “Yeah. That would be…fun.”
And then Whitney says “YOLO.”
And then all the world’s clocks freeze, a baby cries somewhere, a soft mewing sound is heard in the corners of all the churches in all the world, the moon passes over the sun, and Anti-Christ nods slowly as these signs come together and whisper to him that this is the coming together that he hath been waiting for, this is the time upon which his imminent return is neigh…
Meanwhile! Whitney and Chris go somewhere and dressed up, get a random gift, and make their way to the reception. Whitney NAILS it – she’s lightening on her feet, she charms the pants off everyone, and at no moment – even when they’re dancing together – does she look awkward or weird about literally crashing a wedding on her first date with someone. Chris, unfortunately for everyone, decides to break out his best “dance moves”:
The whole thing is actually kind of cute, and I have a feeling that this is going to be the moment in the season that we all look back on as the sign that Whitney and Chris were meant to be together.
But then Whitney uses the word “blessed” and I’m like, Whitney. C’mon. You keep gaining the cool points and then you keep losing them.
It Ain’t No Cocktail Party, It’s a Pool Party, So Put On Your Bikinis & Cry!
The next day, Jimmy arrives at the house to announce that instead of a cocktail party that evening, they’re all going to have a pool party instead. Kardashian Eyelashes is PISSED – not only is the pool party going to basically be “like a group date where everyone’s obnoxious”, but she was SO excited to do her “Kardashian look tonight, and now it’s like…”
Get this girl OUTTA MAH FACE!
First, Juelia pulls Chris away to be a real downer about her husband committing suicide. Sidenote: On Monday night I received a text from my elder brother that said, “Suicide is like a loss, how can you watch this shot?” Which I then responded to by texting his wife and telling her that Kris’ phone must have gotten hacked, as I got this weird, nonsensical text from him. She replied that he sent it to me while watching The Bachelor, and “shot” was supposed to be “shit.”
So there was that.
Then Britt and Chris sat in a secluded space and Britt basically did the thing we all would want to do with Chris, which is kiss him to get him to stop talking.
Jade comes to talk to Chris and asks for a tour of his place. SMART. I actually really like Jade. Except that she was wearing white heels with a black lace bikini that kind of looked more like lingerie. While they’re hanging out at Chris’ pad, He-Man Jillian decides to take her butt down Chris’ hot tub and wait for him there. Unfortunately for her, Jade and Chris decide to literally take flying leaps onto his bed and then make out. Like, really make out…at one point, the camera blurs and America sits up suddenly, wondering if that’s Jade’s boob that has popped out of her bra/bikini top.
Chris and Jade finally come out of the house to find Jillian waiting in the hot tub. She orders Chris to join her, and in true Bachelor Babe fashion, two more girls – Mackenzie and Kardashian Eyelashes – suddenly materialize out of thin air to climb into the hot tub, too. He-Man’s not having that, though, and barks at them to leave them alone. So instead, The Three Dummies – Megan somehow appeared during the course of this interaction – climb up the driveway, drink wine and eavesdrop, and then head back down to the hot tub.
The appropriate thing would be for Jillian to concede the floor and get out of the hot tub so the other girls could have some time with Chris. But Jillian being ultra-competitive and aggressive (and, like, can I just say that it kind of pisses me off that she’s so pushy and unlikeable, because powerhouse girls are awesome but they constantly have to battle stereotypes that lifting is unfeminine and will make you more manly, and then here’s Jillian, totally ruining that good work for all of them), stays next to Chris and makes snide comments about how she only got, like, TWO MINUTES with Chris. Eyelashes hops out and runs away, then wine-cries to the camera about how IT JUST ISN’T FAIR.
Chris ends up chasing Eyelashes back to the mansion. She grabs him, runs him up the stairs to a balcony, and then proceeds to awkwardly laugh-cry incoherently about Jillian and hot tub time. It’s kind of the worst, but Chris totally deserves it for falling into that kind of wine-soaked attention-grabbing trap. Yawn.
The Rose Ceremony
After all that dramz, it’s time for basically the most undramatic Rose Ceremony ever. “Whatever you do,” Kimmel tells Chris before he hands out the roses. “Don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.”
Chris hands out the roses, leaving Eyelashes to stick it out until the very end. When he finally does call her name, she makes a big dramatic show about finally getting a rose.
Amber, Tracy, and Tara are out – Tracy handles like a champ, Amber cries a bunch to the camera, and we don’t see hide or hair of Tara, which pretty much sums up her entire season.
Also, if you’re wondering how The Amazing Jar fared:
I want them to do something like this all the time, for every show. And use all the money to build The Rehabilitation Center For Former Bachelor(ette) Contestants Who No Longer Have a Grasp On Real Life & Insist On Referring to Themselves as Celebrities.
Also, my Bachelor Fantasy League picks are, once again, on point:
I AM THE BEST AT THIS YOU GUYS. I AM THE BEST AT CHOOSING WHO A GUY IS GOING TO PICK TO STAY WITH HIM ON ONE OF THE MOST UNREALISTIC SHOWS IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE.
See you next week! (or actually, I’ll probably see you tomorrow, since this post is waaaaaaay late!)
But fortunately, it’s also late enough for me to be able to share this weekend’s freaking hilarious SNL spoof on The Bachelor, starring Blake Shelton: