‘The Bachelor’ Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings!

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.com

Welcome to episode 2 of The Bachelor: Chris is a Farmer!

It was the most boring of times, it was the most COMPLETELY INSANE, BATSHIT CRAZY, OMG WTF IS GOING ON of times.

Here’s the epiphany that I had last night…unlike other notable seasons, such as Emily, Sean, Andi, and even Ben’s seasons, the Bachelor(ette) is actually the least interesting person in the room. The only time that Chris is not totally boring is when he’s being a total doofus. The guy is not smooth, he’s not particularly interesting, and he has absolutely no facial affect when he’s talking whatsoever. And considering the ridiculous amount of insanity that happened in this week’s episode, I have to wonder if the producers, while knowing that he was a fan favorite and would be an “easy” Bachelor, purposefully kicked it up a notch when it came to choosing dramatic contestants for distract us from the fact that he’s kind of a snore.

Because if these were just the women they picked during their regular screening process?

Someone either needs to get fired or get a huuuuuuge promotion.

Let’s get to it!

A Good Time To Pre-Warn All The Viewers That Chris’ Initial Decisions Are Shit

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.comOur first real episode picks up where the premiere left off: Kimberly coming back from being eliminated and asking Chris to give her another chance. Kaitlyn gets another chance to let her bitchiness shine by making some really rude comments about Kimberly still being here, so that’s cool.

It’s explained by both of them that Chris didn’t get a chance to talk to Kimberly last night. WTF? What were you doing all night until literally the crack of dawn, if not taking the time to talk to every single one of the girls before you made your decisions for elimination? Thus, since Chris didn’t talk to her last night, she would like another chance, and I’m with her – that’s pretty unfair, to not even give a girl five minutes and then cut her on the first night. Chris goes in to confer with Harrison – he agrees that it wasn’t fair to not talk to her, but he worries about what kind of message it would send, to bring her back. Harrison basically tells him that it’s his life, his decisions (good advice in this instance, but a foreshadowing of what’s to come).

So he gives the yoga teacher another chance. “Namaste, Chris,” Kimberly says, placing her palms together and bowing. “Namaste.”‘
“That kind of stuff will get you eliminated again,” Chris says with a blank stare.
He leads her back int the house, and the girls with class cheer and clap because they’re adults and are nice and gracious, and the other ones – a.k.a., Kaitlyn and Jillian – made snide comments about how there’s already a big number of girls in the house. “We don’t need another body in here,” points out Kaitlyn. Really, Kaitlyn? Then maybe you should GTFO.

Kardashian Wannabe Ashley I – she literally has a makeup blog dedicated to Kim, and you might also known her from my last recap as Eyelashes – mentions that this shows that Chris isn’t going to play by the standard rules, that he’s going to make his own decisions. Great. We also see Eyelashes gushing to another girl about how, when she went to bed, she was daydreaming about Chris, and she was like, “is everyone else daydreaming about Chris right now, too?”

These conversations are so full of depth and introspection, my friends. I’m going to try really hard to keep up.

Oh, BTW, Chris is staying at a house that’s just down the hill from the girls. That’s not going to have unforeseen and possibly unfortunate circumstances! Finally, Harrison walks in and greets the girls as they all sit around in their workout gear. They all talk about how awesome Chris is and how much he smiles. “I just love that he’s always smiling,” says one.
“Yeah, like he doesn’t even have anything interesting to say, but he smiles and I’m like, Woah, I wanna marry this guy,” pointed out another.
“Totally! It’s almost like there’s not even anything else going on inside that head, except ‘Smile. Smile more. Keep smiling!’ So great,” Agrees a third.
“He was so blown away, you guys,” Harrison tells them, as he grabs a pillow, throws it onto the floor, and flounces down on top of it. He leans in conspiratorially. “We totally talked about all you guys this morning, and he told me that he thinks you’re all so smart, pretty, awesome, super cool, full of fun, and that he bets you all make the best roast chicken while also working on out on the treadmill to keep yourself cute for him, just like Cosmo told you to!” Harrison glances around the living room. “Is there any wine opened? A glass of red sounds so good right now. I don’t even care that it’s not even noon yet!”
“Oh my god, Harrison!” One of the girls exclaims. “You are sooo bad!”
“Haha, I know!” Harrison replies, smiling winningly at the group. “But a girl’s gotta have some fun, right? Speaking of dates…” Harrison pauses, making sure he has everyone’s attention. “Now, because there are so many of you, not everyone will get to go on dates this week. And if that’s you, please spend your extra time wisely by doing laps up and down the driveway and writing in your journal about what kind of party favors you want for your wedding. But for those of you who do…” Harrison pauses again, to effectively build up the anticipation. “The dates start now!”

The Bachelor Giveth The Group Date, and The Bachelor Taketh Away The Group Date

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.com

The Group Date card arrives, and it’s Tara, Jade, Mackenzie, Eyelashes, Kimberly, and Tandra. Megan is extremely jealous of the girls who are going on the date tonight. Except that the card says, “Show me your country”, and Chris, showering an outdoor shower (which, btw, is my favorite way to take a shower, especially if there’s a hot but kind of dumb guy also showing in there with me), tells us that he has THE BEST date ever planned for today.

A Bikini Tractor Date in downtown L.A.

Wait, did you mean the best day ever for anyone who reads and write to Penthouse Letters? Because for sure you didn’t mean best date ever for any girl in the existence of the entire universe.

Except for my roommate, I guess.

Eyelashes, for her part, tells us in her ITM Interview (that’s Bachelor slang for In The Moment Interview, which I learned about in this ridiculously entertaining book that names names and gives the best, more malicious details (what you already knew: Ben is a total douchebag): “Show me your country. I’m more Kardiashian than I am country, but..”

YOU ARE NOT A KARDASHIAN, ASHLEY I. YOU ARE NOT, NOR WILL YOU EVER BE A KARDASHIAN. NEVER, IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, FOR AS LONG AS YOU MIGHT LIVE, WILL YOU BE A KARDASHIAN. SO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, FIND SOME WORTHY DREAMS, PICK UP SOME QUALITY FALSE EYELASHES THAT DON’T LOOK LIKE TWO SPIDERS HAVE GLUED THEMSELVES TO YOUR EYES, AND MOVE THE FUCK ON.

So the girls meet Chris up on the rooftop of some building in L.A., where they have a pool party – every girl’s dream for a first date, right? It’s not like the very thought of pool parties was enough to throw a girl like D.J. from The Full House into the throes of an eating disorder. During some poolside one-on-one time, Chris and Kimberly agree to “start all over again”, and I kind of like this girl.

Meanwhile, Jillian and Megan decide to break into Chris’ house. NOBODY saw this coming! The editors have placed a black censor bar whenever we see Jillian’s butt or the front of her vag, which means she’s either wearing the tiniest bikini bottoms ever or the girl ain’t waxin’ right. They find a motorcycle inside, and Megan decides to test out the helmet to make sure “it’s safe.” So she hits her helmet-clad head against the wall, and then the fridge, and then another brick wall, and then a bunch of other stuff.

So, that was cool.

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.com

from Okay Magazine

Back at the group date, the girls have to walk a few blocks in downtown L.A. in their bikini and sandals, which I’m sure they’re really pleased about. They arrive at a line-up of tractors. “You guys are going to race tractors!” Chris announces.

“Oh…cool.” They all think, as they stare at the tractors. Girls love it when you put them in competition with other girls when you’re supposed to be on a date with them! In fact, I wish every guy I went on a date with was like, “Hey, let me put you in some arbitrary competition with this girl you don’t know while I analyze your every move and then reward the one who did the best with some personalized attention. You’d be totally okay with that, right? Oh, tonight? The beers are on you.”

The tractors go slow because they’re tractors, but due to nothing else but luck, Eyelashes wins the race and gets to sit on Chris’ lap while the girls hang out on a circle of hay bales, staring at the date rose.

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.com

from Channel Guide Magazine.com

When Chris is done with letting Eyelashes sit on his lap, they walk back over to the girls.
“You guys have fun?” He asks.
Yeah, it’s been SO fun sitting on these hay bales after being forced to show off their bikini bodies to the entire Los Angeles downtown area and then compete for Chris’ entertainment. SO FUN!
Chris then announces that it’s really hard to date so many girls at one time, so he would like to finish the night by dating just one girl. So he asks Mackenzie to come with him, and the two of them leave the other girls. It’s kind of one of the douchiest moves on the Bachelor ever: Not only does he not pick the winner of the dumb tractor race to go with him, but the other girls, who already had to suffer the consolation prize of a group date, are now totally dissed and dismissed without any one-on-one time with Chris whatsoever.  The girls, to their credit, try to rationalize it as Chris being a gentleman. They say some bullshit stuff about him trying to be fair…you know, the way we try to explain away something really assholish that someone we like just did. Tara starts to get really sad sack about the fact that she never walks away a winner, and Eyelashes uses an ethnic slur (towards the gypsies) before they get into their luxury limo and head back to their mansion.

It might have made them feel better to know that Mackenzie and Chris are having the weirdest, most awkward, and most boring date in the history of the universe.

They’re sitting in the corner of some bar, drinking beers (I had to check her bio to make sure she was legal drinking age), and here’s the topics of conversation they go through:

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.com

Yahoo.com

Whether Chris has pierced his ear before (“I’m super, like, observant, like weird stuff.” Mackenzie tells him)
The fact that Chris has a big nose (“My favorite thing about a guy is a prominent nose,” Mackenzie points out)
Whether Chris believes in aliens (“Have you seen aliens?” Chris asks. “I don’t know!” Mackenzie answers.)
The fact that Mackenzie hasn’t been on a date in a year.

“So like, wanna know why it’s been so long why I haven’t been dating?” Mackenzie asks Chris. He shrugs. He really doesn’t care, but he’s on television, so he goes with it. “It’s like really hard for me to tell you, like I’m so nervous. Um…I have a kid.”
Chris yawns.
“Wanna see some faces that Kale makes? This is only really funny to just me!”
Chris shrugs.
“Wanna see a picture of Kale? Look, here he is.” Mackenzie shoves the phone in Chris’ face.
“Oh,” Chris says, as he stares at a photo on Mackenzie’s phone. “He’s…cute.”
“I knew it! I knew if you saw him you would not be able to resist him!”
Chris drifts away to a dark, misty place inside his mind. It was a place where only he could go…a safe place, a place where he would always be okay, no matter what. Don’t let them see. It is a voice he knows, a voice he loves. Don’t let them know how desperately you want all of this to end.
It will be over soon, Chris thinks hopefully.
That’s right, Chris. Soon…soon we can be alone again, we can be safe again, it will just be us, I promise. Soon, soon it will just be you and I again.
Until then, though, we can’t let them see, can we?
No, we can’t. You can’t let them know. You just have to pretend, Chris. It’s just like last time, with momma and Bo, in the fields…
NO! We swore we would never talk about that!
I WASN’T! I only want you to remember what we promised that time. Remember? Remember what we promised?
Yes, I remember.
We’ll never let them in, Chris. We’ll never let them in again.
No, never. We never will. We’re safe now Just you and I. We’re safe…

You Can’t Be On The Bachelor Unless Everyone You Know Is Dead, You Guys.

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.com

The girls are sitting around, waiting for a date card, and asking about Mackenzie’s date with Chris. “He kissed me, like, 5 times,” Mackenzie tells them. Oh, poor, dumb, dummy Mackenzie! You don’t tell the other women that stuff! While they might not think you pose a threat because you have the IQ of a hummingbird, they’re still not going to go easy on you if you brag about your dates to them! Even baby-voiced Whitney was like, “You mention him kissing you one more time and I’m going to gut you with a rusty fishing knife and then feed your entrails to your toddler son.” And then everyone giggled and patted her on the head. “Oh, you’re just ADORABLE, Whitney!”

The one-on-one date card comes, and it’s for Megan. Only, she thought it was just a love note. “Wait…does that mean a date? Is that what that means? I thought it was just a love note?” ARE YOU SERIOUS, MEGAN? Can we PLEASE make it a mandatory requirement for all contestants to be quizzed on what exactly happens on this show before they’re asked to be on The Bachelor? Because this kind of shit is ridic. When it comes to Mackenzie and Megan, I can literally feel myself getting dumber every single minute I watch either of them try to say words.

Megan and Chris leave in a limo, and Chris tells us that his first impression of Megan was a great one. Really? Cause I am losing SO MUCH respect for you and your choices, Chris. Megan and Chris arrive at a helicopter base, and it turns out that they get to fly over the Hoover Dam and then the Grand Canyon.

Later, as they have a picnic by some water in the canyon, Megan tells Chris about the fact that her dad has died. Earlier in the show, Juelia told the girls about how her husband killed himself when her child was still really young. In the premiere, we found out that Kelsey’s husband died of heart failure while walking to work one day. To wit, there’s also another girl whose father died not too long before she came on the show, as well. So basically, lots and lots of death this season. Which also means lots of tears, usually shed in a gorgeous locale with someone who barely knows you and could send you home tomorrow, so…welcome to The Bachelor!

Chris sits on the blanket by the river, staring at the blonde as she tells him her story.
I don’t want to listen to this anymore, Chris cries, his anguish echoing in that dark and cool place.
You have to at least pretend, Chris. 
But it brings back too many bad things! Things I never want to think about again…
Do It for me, Chris. You have to do it for me. Remember? You promised. 
I know, but…
You don’t want me to leave you again, do you? 
No! No, please don’t leave! I’ll pretend. I promise.
I can’t stay with you unless you keep our promise, Chris. You have to keep us safe.
I know.
We must always pretend. We can’t let anyone know, not ever.
Not ever, Chris whispers back. To distract the girl sitting next to him, he leans in and kisses her. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the sun set over the canyon walls, and tries not the think of the way the sun looks as it sets over the golden fields of Iowa…how the dark red blood spilled against the crushed stalks of wheat matched the red and gold streaks in the sky…

Anodda Group Date, Upon Which The Term “She’s Crazy” Take On A Whole New (i.e., Sad) Meaning

So it’s time for another group date, and Kelsey, Trina, Ashley S., Kaitlyn, Britt, Jillian, Alissa, Becca, and Juelia pull into what looks like an abandoned lot with a couple of old tin buildings.

Fake zombies begin to swarm the limo, and in true Dumb Girl form, the girls start to scream and huddle together, totally unaware of the fact that there are ABC cameras all over the place and there’s no way ABC would let anything attack nine women who are currently starring on their most lucrative show. The door opens and Chris sticks his face into the limo. Kelsey tells us, “The door opens, and we’re screaming, and it’s Chris! HAHAHAHAH! Oops!”

Uh, you try and do that kind of shit to me and I’m not going to be embarrassed that I was screaming: I’m going to punch you in the fucking face for trying to scare me for your own amusement.

Turns out the girls are going zombie hunting…or, in layman’s terms, they’re doing paintball but instead of shooting each other, their targets are low-paid extras with zombie makeup on.

Ashley S, however, doesn’t quite grasp the concept that they’re there to shoot zombies and not each other. You would think that the task of the date is to translate the Dead Sea Scrolls, for how flabbergasted she is with the concept of this game.

But, as it turns out, you don’t have to understand the game to dominate it. Ashley S. is literally terrifying during this portion of the game – she basically just walks into the line of zombies and begins picking them off with her gun. There’s a large contingent of us who watched this and wondered if she actually thought the zombies were real and she was on a mission from God to destroy them.

Back at the mansion, Mackenzie and Megan are sitting around with face masks when Drunk Jordan comes stumbling in. She spits in her hand, does a twerking handstand, and then does an impression of how Jillian’s always showing off her butt. Which, according to Drunk Jordan, is one of the hairiest butts you’ve ever seen.

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.comReally makes you wonder what the black bar was covering up, eh?

Also, I was not making any of that up.

After the game, the girls are sitting around the campfire. Becca asks Ashley if she shot her in the ankle. “I would never shoot a person,” Ashley replies. “It might have been a ricochet.” Later, she’s staring into a candle and tells the girls that there are angels in the candle. Someone asks Ashley who she thinks is getting a rose that night. “Who you think’s getting a rose tonight?” Ashley repeats. “Maybe an angel? I don’t know!”

Kaitlyn is a bitch. I DO NOT LIKE HER, YOU GUYS. “Everyone is trying to have serious conversations right now and I just wanna laugh with you and be funny,” she tells Chris during her one-on-one time with him. Chris and Kaitlyn kiss, and it’s kind of the grossest kiss ever: Close mouthed and weird. Ashley comes back to the group, and everyone tries to find out where she’s been. She says some weird stuff about finding the truth, and then leans in and says, “BOOM.” Then Ashley runs into Chris while he’s walking back from his one-on-one time and and whispers to him not to worry.

It’s at this point that I’m pretty sure she’s having a mental breakdown. Like an actual, not-even-joking-anymore, Britney Spears and Amanda Bynes breakdown. She’s definitely on some kind of psychotropics, but whether they’ve been triggered by alcohol or anxiety…it’s actually not even funny, you guys.

“You don’t wanna lose the whole world, but actually you don’t wanna gain the whole world. You don’t wanna lose your soul,” She tells Chris.
“Are you alright?” Chris asks.
Maybe she’s like us. Maybe she’s seen too much, too.
If that’s true, then we have to be careful, Chris. Those who have seen what we’ve seen…they can recognize each other.
What should I do?
Act like you don’t know. Act as if her eyes are not the mirror we know them to be.
But that would be cruel. What if we can help her?

We don’t help anyone anymore, Chris. Remember? No one was there to help us.
But that was…but no one could!
It doesn’t matter. If we want to survive, then it can only be just us. Only just us, Chris.
Only just us.
 Chris listens as Ashley S. tells him she wants to play Hide & Seek, and he has to pretend to go along with it, to act mildly amused and clueless.
“Okay,” he says. “Let’s play Hide & Seek.”

Of course, Katilyn, for her part, is having a grand old time ripping on Ashley during her ITM Interview, which makes me loathe her even more.

Britt and Chris have some one-on-one time, and those two crazy kids are adorable. Chris is kind of a weird kisser, though. It’s not fun to watch. He should call Sean and ask him to tutor him. When it’s time to hand out the group date rose, though, he doesn’t pick Britt – instead he picks Kaitlyn.

The Weirdest Cocktail Party + Rose Ceremony EVER

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings! | AmberLCarter.com

From Babble.com

First of all, Liz Welle gets the award for best Bachelor tweet of the night…maybe of the entire season. POSSIBLY THE WHOLE FRANCHISE.

At the cocktail party, Kardashian Eyelashes is dressed up like a Persian Beauty Queen from the ’60s and spills to Mackenzie and another girl that she’s a virgin. Mackenzie, in true high school form, gushes about how she’s so jealous because now Kardashian Eyelashes can use that, and that guys loooove taking a girl’s virginity.

Kardashian Eyelashes finds Chris, and does this really weird belly button soft core porn thing where she tells Chris that she has three wishes on her golden belly button.

Yep. Just read it again and let it sink in.

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings!Apparently one of the wishes is for them to kiss, so they straight up MAKE OUT. As in, Kardashian Eyelashes starts eating his face off, and then literally pulls him on top of her. INAPPROPRIATE, EYELASHES! Also, we’re all pretty sure we now know why you’re a virgin.

 

A bunch of girls see them making out – Britt cries, telling another girl she’s having a hard time with this kind of stuff, and Jordan, for her part, is super drunk already and therefore horned up as all get out.

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings!She tries to make out with the camera, then dances by herself, then she goes to find Chris, but literally cannot make words. It is AMAZING.

 

The Rose Ceremony begins. A notable moment is that Chris calls for Juelia, but Jillian steps forward. “No, JUELIA,” Chris says, and Jillian literally slips on her heels and almost falls on her ass. HAHAHAHAHA! Pull yourself together, GYMNAST.

At the end, everyone is wondering who he’s going to give a rose to – Alissa? Tara? – nope. He gives a rose to Ashley S.

Seriously, you guys. THIS GUY HAS THE MOST QUESTIONABLE CHOICES EVER. I want to smack him already. He’s an idiot.

OR IS HE?!

'The Bachelor' Episode 2: When You Wish Upon a Belly Button Ring, a Virgin Gets Her Wings!Anyway, I really liked Alissa. Did you guys know that she graduated Magna Cum Laude? And she was adorable! Tara is heartbroken, which is the saddest thing ever. But also, on the bright side, she’s no longer has to endure any more boring bikini pool parties or tractor races from Chris.

Later that night, Chris is sleeping in his bed when he feels a hand on his arm.
“Chris. Chris.”
No! Not again! 
Chris, wake up.
No! All those times I did that for you before, and you swore I would never have to do that again! All those times when you got to pretend you were sleeping and I had to be the one to…the one to…
Wake up, Chris.
No, I won’t! This can’t happen again! It can’t!
CHRIS, WAKE UP. YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP, CHRIS.
Chris slowly opens his eyes. He blinks, his heart racing, as he tries to make his brain believe what he’s seeing.
It’s not him.
No, it’s not him. It will never ever be him. It will never be him again, Chris. Okay?
Okay.
He’s gone forever, Chris. No matter what else was done, he’s gone forever.
Chris nods to himself, then looks at the face looming above him.
“Chris, it’s Jimmy Kimmel. I’m here to help you.”
No one can help me, Chris longs to say. No one could help me then, and no one can help me now.
It’s only just us, Chris.
That’s right, Chris thinks back, as he nods at Jimmy. Forever just us.
Blood brothers.
That’s right! Blood brothers to the end!
To the end.
“Hey, Jimmy.”

———————————-

So this is happening:

Also, totally killed it on my bracket again this week:

https://twitter.com/C_Soules/status/554837468231782401

But if Chris keeps making these ultra poor decisions about the girls he gives roses to, my primo position in my league is going to be comprised AND THEN WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH EACH OTHER, PRINCE FARMING.

Anyway: Who’s your favorite contestant so far? What’s YOUR take on Ashley S.’s behavior? How much do you also hate Kaitlyn and Jillian? TELL ME EVERYTHING AND THEN WE CAN BE BEST PALS AND DRINK WINE TOGETHER AND TEACH EACH OTHER HOW TO DO THE BEST NEW BRAIDS!

See ya next week, Bachelor baes!

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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