The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer!

The Bachelor Premiere: Chris Is a Farmer | AmberLCarter.com

Welcome, everybody, to a new season of white w(h)ine tears and hot tub kisses!

Or, as you might know, a new season of The Bachelor!

While I’m excited for another season, this season’s recaps are a bit different for two reasons:

First, I’ve come to realize from reader feedback that the reason most of you read these recaps is not to get a minute-by-minute rundown of the show, but to instead get a super sweet and unfailingly kind take on everything that happens. Which makes my life SO much easier, because writing these up usually takes a couple of hours, so I’m not going to stress about having these out by the time you hit your office chair Tuesday morning. And when I write these, I’m going to assume that you have some working knowledge of what happened on the episode, and that if you don’t, you really don’t care to and are just reading this for entertainment.

Also, I joined a Bachelor Fantasy League this season because I knew I was going to have to have something invested to make me watch it all the way through, so I’ll be talking about my picks at the end of the post.

Anyway!

Monday night was the THREE HOUR PREMIERE (seriously, ABC, this is getting freaking ridiculous) of Season 19 of The Bachelor. This season’s is Chris Soules: You may remember him as the sweet but super boring farmer boy from Andi’s season, whom she dumped right before the Fantasy Suite because she couldn’t see herself living in Iowa.

I don’t blame you, Andi. I lived there for three years and the entire time I was like, “Wait. I live HERE? In IOWA?!

Anyway! Chris is a millionaire farmer, which apparently is a really big deal to everyone who’s never lived in the land of I-O-Way (commercial farming is a big business in the Corn State. Also in the Dairy State. ALSO EVERYWHERE, because food). But put those good country family values together with those dollar signs and add in some chiseled “I been workin’ in them fields all day long” muscles, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a steamy Harlequin Romance (sidenote: I am actually working on the first draft for this…there’s gonna be a lot of standing at the edge of the sweeping fields of gold at sunset in a thin sundress, watching as the brawny farmer makes his way to you after a day of working the crops, your heart pounding and heart racing as you wonder what will happen under the drowsy eyes of the setting sun when he finally reaches you…)

Or….THE BACHELOR!

(more after the jump)

So this season, ABC decided to take advantage of all those “Bachelor Premiere watching parties” that you silly sorority sisters have and start the premiere with a one-hour “live” event with Chris Harrison. Basically, imagine the pre-show before the Golden Globes, but with no inherent purpose other than to give Bachelor alumni something to do. Chris interviewed past Bachelor couples (Sean got a whole lot more ginger after his season, which is weird, and Andi and Josh are still both ridiculously good-looking) while alumni smiled and waved at their “fans” (a.k.a., the studio audience, forced to stand behind a velvet rope while they watched the alumni drink champagne and gossip about each other). The “big” get during this hour was an interview with Nikki (who was rocking some new boobs, btw), who had FINALLY broken up with Juan Pablo and is ready to talk ALL about it.

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

“Talk all about it” meaning repeating the same two tired cliches over and over and over and over:

While I loved that Chris had his “told you so” moment per Juan Pablo, he somehow forgot that, while everyone didn’t like Juan Pablo, most of us didn’t like Nikki, either. Also, if you watched her and Juan Pablo on VH1’s Couple’s Therapy, you’d know that they pretty much deserved each other.

FINALLY, the red carpet shtick is over, and the real show starts:

“Love is a lot like farming: You plant a seed, you hope it grows, sometimes the weather isn’t always on your side but with a little bit of luck, something beautiful can come from it,” says Chris. He talked about how being the Bachelor was an out-of-body experience:

…and what his life on the farm was like.

I couldn’t really give you the details on this though, because I was taking a little snoozefest on the couch.

Then it was time for my absolute favorite part of the show: Meet The Bachelorettes. This is the part of the show where we get to see a few selected women in their natural habitat, giving us a glimpse into their lives. In past seasons, this was usually a good indicator that these girls would be around for a while, and so the producers wanted us to become emotionally invested in them right off the bat. However, in the past handful of seasons, they’ve been mixing it up, and now it’s usually a mix of one girl who goes to the end, one girl who goes home after the first rose ceremony, one girl who ends up sticking around for a while but ultimately is cut loose before the Final Four, and one girl who’s gonna cause a lot of problems of the other girls on the show.

This season we met:

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

Britt, who is GORGEOUS. She’s a waitress in L.A. who likes to stand out on the street, holding a sign that says, “FREE HUGS”. She didn’t have sex with her last boyfriend, which we’re supposed to care about. But don’t worry: She’s VERY touchy, so it’s not like she doesn’t WANT to use her vagina…she’s just saving it for the cameras of a nationally televised reality show.

 

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

Jillian is a gymnast/national news producer in D.C. She’s built like a mack truck and she’s VERY competitive, which doesn’t foreshadow ANYTHING.

 

 

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.comAmanda is a ballet teacher, and fully admits that she’s still single because she’s fucking crazy (seriously – she said it on camera). Amanda still lives with her mom because she doesn’t like to pay bills and she doesn’t like the clean, but she would love to find love, AND FEELS LIKE SHE’S REALLY READY FOR IT, you guys. Yeah. She’d do REAL WELL in a committed, mature, long-term relationship…

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.comWhitney is a fertility nurse who also has the highest voice in the known universe. She reminds me a lot of Sarah from Joe Millionaire…an ice blonde with a steely gaze, who probably gets away with a LOT with that voice. She could basically say “I’m going to torture and kill you and everyone you love and then set your bodies on fire and dance around them” in that voice of hers and you’d just go, “OMG, you’re so cuuuuuute!”

 

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

MacKenzie, whom I’ve already pegged as one of my least favorites. She’s a single mom (her son’s name is KALE), seems really young (she’s 21) and pretty dumb, and she really needs to do something with that hair.

 

 

 

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

Alissa is a flight attendant who, like Whitney, also has a baby voice and kind of reminds of a super adorable 5 yr old. However, she shows some good wit – and great acting – in her clip, enough to maaaaybe make me forgive her for also saying a bunch of stuff about how love is like flying.

But then I read this on her profile, and I’m halfway in love with her again:

What’s your most embarrassing moment?
I was in-depth stalking a guy’s Facebook page and sent my friend a long, detailed text about my findings…except I sent it to him. Oops.

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

Kelsey is a widow (sad!) who seems pretty prim and uptight. She reminds me a lot of Sharleen from Juan Pablo’s season (whom I really didn’t like until after she left the show)…and based on the extended trailer, I think she’s going to be the dark horse who goes pretty far.

 

 

 

And then it’s LIMO TIME! Notable arrivals:

Britt arrives first, gives Chris a hug, and then does a brilliant trick of giving him a note and telling him he had to come find her later to find out what it means. That is BRILLIANT.

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

Reegan arrives, carrying a cooler. Apparently she deals in cadaver tissue, makes a comment about how she’s ready to give Chris her heart, and then opens the cooler.

 

 

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

 

She does a dumb laugh, which TOTALLY reminds me of Clare Crawley’s “I’m not really pregnant, it’s not real, HAHAHAHA!” shtick on Juan Pablo’s premiere.

 

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

Tara shows up in a pair of daisy dukes (which she rocked, by the way – that girl’s got legs for days), boots, and a plaid shirt. She’s a “Sports Fishing Enthusiast”, which is hilarious, because I am now a “Reality TV Show Enthusiast”. She tells Chris that she showed up like this because she wanted to show him who she “really was”. Then, she walks into the cocktail party where the other girls are already congregating, and notes that she feels really uncomfortable in her getup. So she sneaks into the bathroom, does a quick change into a black cocktail dress, and sneaks BACK out of the house. The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com“She’s gonna be one of the girls who gets real drunk tonight,” I prophesy to my roommate. Tara jumps into the other side of the limo while Chris is greeting another girl, and then she comes back out again for Meet Chris Take Two. It was HILARIOUS. “I promise I won’t come out again,” she tells Chris, as she walks back into the house. She’s adorable. I love her already.

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.comAmanda, the ballet dancer, is – true to her word – Bat-Shit Cray. She has the limo driver give Chris a note telling him to turn around and close his eyes. Then she sneaks up on him, tells him that she’s his secret admirer, and that his mission is to find out who she is (which…is also kind of brilliant).

 

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.comBut then, we get some real fun crazy, in the form of Ashley S., who I will to refer to as Crazy Eyes. First, she shows up and kind of wanders over to Chris as if she’s not quite sure where she is. Then, she tells him this precious story about collecting pennies and putting them into her shoes for good luck all her life, and so she brought one for him. Except that she delivers all of this the way a robot with crazy eyes would, which is fantastic.

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.comThen it’s Kaitlyn, who makes an impression by telling Chris that she can’t wait for him to plow her field. Which is ballsy, but after she goes inside and tells a few more dumb jokes, I’m kind of over her. However, there’s something about this girl that tells me she’s going to go to the end.

 

Even though there’s only 15 girls there, Chris and Chris (this is going to be confusing this season) make a speech and the girls start getting to know Chris one-on-one. Nikki, a former NFL Cheerleader, seems way cool, and Samantha, fashion designer, is GORGEOUS. However, there’s some confusion amongst the girls on whether they’re the only ones showing up for this season, or if there’s more coming (of COURSE there’s more coming).

Another limo arrives, and the other girls LOSE IT. Like seriously, I’ve never seen a pack of girls go from 0-60 on the Jealous Scale faster. Jillian shows her true colors by standing with a couple of other brunettes (who I couldn’t identify) and making bitchy comments about each girl as they arrive, and even Kelsey gets in on the “We were here FIRST” fest by stating that “They’re obviously going to walk right where we walked. Block them out.” Uh, hello, bitchy and catty? Just because you were lucky to get there first? One of the girls tells one of the new arrivals that “You guys were the “special surprise limo”. Uh, no. There were only 15 girls there before. You’d have to be an idiot to think that there weren’t more coming. Plus, you got extra one-on-one time with Chris without the new arrivals, so what the fuck are you complaining about?

Also, for the record? The second arrival of limos had WAY hotter girls.

Becca is super pretty, Tandra rides up on a motorcycle, and Alissa, the flight attendant we met earlier, brought Chris a seat belt because “it’s going to be a bumpy ride”. Nicole, a pretty redhead, makes an unfortunate choice in wearing a pig nose to show Chris she’s down with him being a farmer. Kaitlyn, joining Jillian behind a screen, makes fun of Nicole, and everyone watching is suddenly cognizant of how unfair it is that these girls get to watch and judge the other girls arrivals when *they* didn’t have to worry about that when they arrived.

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

Brittany, a WWE Diva-In-Training, shows up wearing lingerie and a poster that says #Soulesmates (which is admittedly *kind* of clever), and Carly shows up with a karaoke machine and sings her way to Chris. There’s no WAY that Kara is 25, and Jade is the former Playboy model and soft core porn star that’s had Twitter abuzz (she’s also GORGEOUS, and her bio paints her as a girl with some smarts, so. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. No judgement here)

 

Then there’s Tracy, who’s a stunning teacher, but unfortunately is also full of shit.

The arrivals end, and the one-on-one time begins. Kaitlyn tries to teach Chris how to breakdance, and Crazy Eyes (a.k.a. Ashley S.) makes some metaphor to the camera about love and cutting an onion and then peeling it back.

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.comThen she spies what LOOKS like an onion in a nearby tree. She asks the camera crew if she can go and get that onion, they tell her no, but she skips over to the tree anyway. “If it’s a pomegranate then God bless it.” Turns out it, it IS a pomegranate, because onions don’t grow on trees! “WOW!” She exclaims, holding the pomegranate in her hands. “I feel POWERFUL!”

I’m not even making this up, you guys.

Tara proceeds to drink a lot, Britt gets the first impression rose (but is really nice about it, so I like her), and other boring one-on-ones ensue.

Then it’s (finally) time for the Rose Ceremony!

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

All the girls start talking about how Tara’s stomping around on the rises, trying to get her balance, and she really does look like she’s either going to throw up or pass out. In the middle of handing out roses, Chris claims that he’s “anxious” and needs a break from giving out the roses, even though we all know that he just forgot some names. He confers about Harrison about Tara’s drunkenness, but ultimately decides to give her a rose. The other girls are SHOCKED! I, on the other hand, am delighted.

Cute redhead Nicole is cut, as is crazy ballet dancer Amanda, and Bo, a really pretty plus-sized model. By the time the eliminated girls stumble out of the mansion, it’s seriously daylight out. One of them, Kimberly, starts telling the camera how she feels about getting dissed and dismissed, but then suddenly stops, turns around, and walks back into the house.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!

We don’t find out what happens until next week, but no matter! My Bachelor Fantasy League ended up kicking ass, anyway:

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

100 points and 1st place, ’cause I am a BACHELOR PROFESH.

Check out the trailer for this season (Kelsey being all “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!” makes it worth it) and then check out this preview shot that ABC has for the video:

The Premiere of The Bachelor, Season 19: Chris is a Farmer! | AmberLCarter.com

Like, WHO IS CHRIS ABOUT TO KISS?! His mom?! Maybe his adorably sassy aunt? This is hilarious to me.

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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