Hark! A new season of The Bachelor: Ben Is Sweet is neigh!
With the premiere of the 20th season of The Bachelor less than a month away – January 4th! – ABC has been steadily rolling out updates on the upcoming season. First, here’s the season preview (sorry – ABC video still doesn’t play nicely with WordPress – click the link to watch) which, admittedly, does not look very juicy. Then, ABC let us in on a few spoilers of the season: Ben will get some help from former Bachelors Sean Lowe (soon to be a dad!), Jason Mesnick (hopefully they’ll find a balcony for him to cry on?), and Chris Soules (what the fuck does he know? His season was terrible!); grab a few “first date laughs” (ahem, ABC, I’ll decide whether or not there are “laughs”, thankyouverymuch) by having Ice Cube and Kevin Hart plan Ben’s very first date; then he’ll “kick it” (why are you bad, ABC?) with the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup Team (I wonder if they’ll have a competition date where the losing team is sent home and the winning team wins more time with Ben?! OMGTHEYNEVERDOTHATANDEVERYONELOVESIT); go on a “sexy” trip to Mexico filled with “delicious food and fashion” (greeeaattt…I bet Ben had the BEST time) and help open Mexico’s Fashion Week (wait…Mexico has a Fashion Week?); a “dazzling” performance by “Entertainer Terry Fator” (who the FUCK is Terry Fator?); and of course, there will be some familiar faces (Becca and Amber from Chris’ season) along with a friend of Kaitlyn’s, plus some twins!
The press release might be one of my favorite parts of this entire season (depending on how the rest of the season goes):
Ben is filled with excitement and anticipation as limos start to arrive. Despite being 26, he feels ready to find the right woman and start a family.
One by one, the gorgeous bachelorettes are prepared to make a lasting first impression. One woman reveals she is friends with Kaitlyn. Ben does a double take as another striking lady stands outside the limo – and is joined by her identical twin sister. A stunner makes a bold move and goes in for a kiss that Ben won’t soon forget. A woman with a companion – a mini-horse – gets invited inside the mansion. One woman is so nervous that she forgets to tell Ben her name.
Once inside the mansion, the party really gets started. No sooner does Ben start to welcome the women than one determined dentist steals him away for a private exam. But two last-minute arrivals turn the party upside down. Another bold bachelorette decides to plant the first real kiss of the night on Ben with surprising results. Finally, Ben offers the coveted first-impression rose to one stunned woman who never expected to receive it.
The stakes are high as the long, stressful first night winds down and it’s time for the first rose ceremony of the season. Twenty-one lucky women will continue their journey to win Ben’s heart. But, of course, one brazen bachelorette pulls our Bachelor aside and chastises him for something he didn’t do.
Who is writing this copy, btw? It sounds like it was written by a 10th grader trying to get an A on her Reading Comprehension Essay: “Once inside the mansion, the party really gets started.” OMG REALLY I AM SO EXCITED JUST READING THAT SENTENCE YOU TOTALLY CAPTURED THE MOOD THAT “PARTY” CONVEYS I CAN’T WAIT FOR ALL THE WILD TIMES UP AHEAD IN THIS PRESS RELEASE.
Romantic and adventurous dates will reach new heights this season, testing the ladies’ perseverance in pursuing their romantic objective, along with fun, exciting and exotic dates that will elicit real and raw passions.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. “Real and raw passions.”
At least they finally listened to us about the exotic dates? Good goin’ ABC!
The Bachelor escorts nine sexy señoritas on a tasty trip through Mexico City to learn about the Spanish language and the scrumptious food.
You said “scrumptious”. Yuck.
Six ladies are totally surprised by the company they will keep during a day of fun and sun on Pig Island. It’s just them, the handsome Bachelor and a bunch of wild, swimming pigs!
HAHAHAHAHA. That date is gonna be GREAT.
Ben takes one woman to the Baker’s Youth Center in his hometown of Warsaw, Indiana, where he used to spend summers working with the kids. He is stunned when several of the Indiana Pacers, including NBA superstar Paul George, visit the center to participate in the festivities with them. Then it is on to Wrigley Field for a spectacular one-on-one date at the historic baseball stadium, but does the date qualify as a home run? The hometown dates are filled with emotional revelations, but when the final three women travel to an exotic tropical island for the romantic overnight dates, there are even more shocking surprises awaiting our unsuspecting Bachelor.
Neat! I love it when there’s shocking surprising awaiting our unsuspecting Bachelor!
Anyway, let’s get to the ladies, shall we? Also, please excuse the extra spaces and formatting errors, because trying to put 57 ladies all together in one coherent fashion is a FEAT.
First up, Amanda!
Amanda is 25 and from Rancho Santa Margarita, CA. She is an Esthetician, has two daughters (uh…WUT) and one of her favorite movies is “The Notebook, of course.” The most OUTRAGEOUS thing she’s ever done is hike 12 miles to a waterfall in Kauai during a thunderstorm. WHOA, that is OUTRAGEOUS! And if she won the lottery, she’d buy a big house by the beach and adopt babies and dogs, which means that I now like her because that is exactly what I would do, too.
And then, get this: ABC asked her if she has a “fear of aging, and are you doing anything to prevent it?”
Are you fucking kidding me? SHE’S TWENTY-FIVE. Can she live, ABC?
Oh Amber. It’s time to give up, hon. Just…walk gracefully into the sunset and disappear already. Amber has been on both Chris’ season and on this summer’s Bachelor In Paradise, and walked away both times lonely and rejected. And because of this, we don’t even need to know her bio.
YAY! It’s Becca! Becca’s a totally different story. I love Becca, you guys – she’s super sweet, she has a really great sense of humor, and she’s also a total babe. It would be nice for her to find a guy who’s not a total snooze fest like Chris. Also, I feel like her and Ben probably share a lot of the same values and outlook on life. They’re like the stupidly beautiful bible camp couple that everyone is like, “Yeah, maybe I should think about saving myself for marriage, too!” Even though – HAHAHAHA! – it’s not any use, because nobody’s going to propose to you anyway and if you keep waiting you’re going to stay a virgin forever!
At least, that was my personal experience.
Breanne is 30, which makes her one of the oldest contestants. She’s a nutritional therapist from Seattle, and she’s a fan of Lana Del Ray, Anchorman, Notting Hill (OMGIlovethatmovie) and Beyonce, so I feel like I might like her (and that’s kind of what this is all about, right? Who I like?). AND her all-time fav book is Why Men Love Bitches – “I know the title is hilarious, but it’s all about valuing yourself and letting the man pursue you.” Yeah, GURL. She also uses the word “smize” in her bio, so yeah. Unless she’s a total hose beast on the show, I think I might dig this chick.
In Caila’s long-ass bio, we learn that she’s 24, a software sales rep (she has that in common with Ben), and is from Hudson OH (sorry, girl). I kind of have a feeling I won’t like her – her answers are a little too cutesy – “I prefer fall weather, so I guess cold because you get to cuddle up close”…”I meet guys in the city… at Starbucks…on airplanes. I’m one of those rare people that believes in fate… and always tries to be present. You never know. :)” AND she like U2, so.
BUT, she also likes Game of Thrones and worked as a waitress for three years to pay for her study abroad in Germany, and hates it when a guy “gets so cheesy that it seems fake, like, “Here is a leaf on a bush we passed on our first date because I’m a romantic guy.”
It’s Emily, y’all! Emily is one of the twins. In fact, that’s actually what she lists as her occupation: “Twin”. She’s 22 and from Las Vegas, love country music, also lists The Notebook as one of her favorite movies, once peed her pants in front of the whole high school cheer team from laughing so hard, and thinks it’s important to “just really dress to impress! It’s more important to dress well and look classy and act classy.”
Haley’s the other half: She loves country and alternative music, and Dear John is her Nicholas Sparks movie of choice, thanksverymuch. She doesn’t drink or party, but she DOES love her candy (“I love my sweets!”)! She also can’t live without her cell phone, spray tan, chapstick, dogs, or family. She made it to the semi-finals on Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, and unlike her sister, who would choose to be her for the day if she could, Haley would choose to be Taylor Swift, because “she’s a classy gal!”
These twins are real into class.
Isabel “Izzy” is 24, a graphic designer, and from Branford, CT. She loves her some Taylor Swift, Super Troopers, AND The Notebook!!! Except, when it comes to real-life notebooks, this girl don’t care, because she doesn’t love to read! Oh, except for the first 150 pages of 50 Shades of Grey…”then I just saw the movie.”
Jackie is 23, a Gerontologist, lives in San Francisco, and is really into country and rap. One of her favorite movies is March of the Penguins, and the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is “paragliding with my dad in the Alps. We had to jump off a cliff hoping our parachutes would work… luckily, we lived to tell the tale.”
I don’t think these girls know what “outrageous” actually means.
The five things she can’t live without are her Bible, stuffed giraffe “Fergus,” floss, chocolate and her running shoes. If she were going to really impress a man, she’d “do something really thoughtful for him like create a piece of art or some sort of craft.” YAY! WE’VE GOT OURSELVES A SCRAPBOOKER, YOU GUYS!
Oh, and she never regrets ANYTHING.
Jami is 23, a bartender from St. Alberta, Canada, loves “Drake (Canadian and a sweetheart), Lil Wayne (he seems very smart with his raps), Beyonce (because she is a goddess)” and the movies Stepbrothers, The Hangover, Clueless. She counts Arthur Miller’s The Crucible as her favorite book: “It’s a play, but it taught me a lot about how much one action can affect so many people.” If she won the lottery, she would take her family on a cruise and then buy a house for her and her friends and live like “Entourage” with tons of animals.
I think I like this girl, you guys.
Also, check out this question ABC asked her:
How would you describe yourself as a lover? Inexperienced
Well. It’s better than the fear of aging one, I guess.
Nevermind! They asked her that, too:
Do you have a fear of aging, and are you doing anything to prevent it? Nope. I think wrinkles just show how much you’ve lived.
Yeah. I really like her.
Jennifer is 25 and a small business owner (fancy!) from Fort Lauderdale, FL. Her favorite music is Sam Hunt, Zac Brown, Chase Rice, and I literally only know who one of those three are. If she could lunch it with three people, they’d be Amy Schumer, Eckhart Tolle and Eric Decker (not a bad mix). If she could be an animal, she’d be a dolphin, because they’re “beautiful, intelligent and are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure!”
Jessica is 23, and she is an accountant from Boca Raton, FL! (sorry, it’s starting to feel like I’m introducing girls at a pageant or something). She likes “Luke Bryan – great country singer, Kygo – more relaxing music, Lil’ Wayne – best rapper alive”, and is into the movies Dodgeball, Transformers, and Sleepless in Seattle. When it comes to being pursued or the pursuer, she wants a man who pursues her: “I want a man that knows what he wants and knows how to get it.”
Joelle – or “JoJo” – is 24 and a real estate developer (oh hey, what’s it like to be RICH) and from Dallas, TX. She loves Ed Sheeran type music, Wedding Crashers, and reads a lot of articles instead of books. If she could lunch it up with 3 people, she’d pick “My grandfather who has passed, Ellen DeGeneres, and Jesus.” and she’d order “PIZZA! And wine.”
I mean. Of COURSE wine. You’re having lunch with JESUS, for christsakes.
Also, she can make a 3-leaf clover with her tongue. “Just throwing that out there.”
Jubilee is 24, a war veteran (I was seriously going to make a joke about how young these girls are and how they don’t know anything about life until I saw that), and lives in Fort Lauderdale, FL. She loves Country and R&B, and loves…wait for it…The Notebook!!!!! A typical Saturday night is a “Ménage a trois with my bed, blanket and pillow. Plus Netflix, food and cellphone.” She joined the military when she was 18, made it through 4.5 years of active duty, and considers her idea mates’s personality to be “reserved, intellectual, funny, laid back, easy going. Able to adapt easily.”
Lace is 25, kind of looks like Ben (don’t you think?) and is a real estate agent in Denver, CO. One time she had a guy she liked over for drinks “and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it. We couldn’t even talk we were laughing so hard!”
So there’s that.
Laura is 24 and an account executive from Louisville, KY. She loves Remember the Titans, Under the Tuscan Sun, Bridesmaids, and prefers cold weather – “The clothing options are so much cuter in the fall and winter. Think of all the boots!” She can’t live without family, friends, key lime pie, sunscreen and Pinot Noir, and would rob a casino if she knew she could get away with it.
Lauren – or LB – is 23 and a fashion buyer from Stillwater, OK. Her fav music is rap, her most embarrassing moment is eeing a doctor for constipation in Germany – “My ex had to translate every detail!” Like many of the other girls, she would be a dolphin if she were an animal, and the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is join a sorority, because it’s so not her.
Lauren B. is 25 and a flight attendant from Marina Del Ray, CA. She loves the movie The Titanic and thinks hot nights are “so amazing.” Being on this show is probably the most outrageous thing she’s ever done, and her guiltiest pleasure is brunch with mimosas.
She sounds super fun, you guys!
She also really loves “love. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I communicate through verbal and physical cues. When I love someone, there is never a question about how much because I will constantly show you and tell.”
Lauren H. looks SO FAMILIAR to me, and at first I thought it was because she kind of resembled this other girl on the Bravo bomb “Prep”, but I don’t think it’s her. Anyway, she’s cute as a button, is a 25 yr old kindergarten teacher, and is from Ann Arbor, MI. Her fav music is “90s stuff”, and she loves the move Mean Girls. The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is “Tubing through glow worm caves in New Zealand. All I could think of was the movie The Descent. It was scary, but awesome!”
Okay. NOW I get it. These girls are mixing up “outrageous” for “adventurous.” Let me clear it up: “Adventurous” is bungee jumping; “outrageous” is streaking through the quad.
Her most embarrassing moment is all the time, OMG! “The other day my boss was asking what Pinterest was and I pulled mine up to see what it was like – and there was all of this wedding stuff!! He was like, “Um, do you even have a boyfriend?” :(“
What an asshole boss.
Oh, when it comes to seeing herself in 5 years, here’s her response: “Ah, I’ll be 30!! FML.”
Fuck this bitch.
Lauren R. is 26, a math teacher, and lives in Houston, TX. She loves ALL genres of music – “from Pachelbel to Drake” and her all-time favorite movies are “All of the Harry Potter movies, The Notebook (cliche, I know. I can’t help it. I can’t turn it off when it’s on).”
Well. At least she knows it.
She also loves kitten cuddles, would have lunch with “Jesus, Michelangelo (just saw many of his paintings in Rome…what a talented weirdo), and Justin Timberlake” and considers skydiving the most outrageous thing she’s ever done.
Leah is 25, an event planner, and lives in Denver. She finally gets the “outrageous” question right: “Probably twerking on the wall in my dress during my Bachelor interview.” She also has a very negative nancy outlook when it comes to where she meets guys: “I don’t!!! Bars are terrible. The gym is terrible. Online dating… no thanks!”
M-A-E-gan is 30, a cowgirl, and lives in Weatherford, TX. Her favorite music is “Red Dirt Country (TX music)”, and her favorite movie is – surprise! – Secretariat. Also, when it comes to approaching a man she’s never met before, here’s her answer: “Shoot, I do this all the time! It’s called you walk and ask the guy a question. It’s not rocket science. PS – Ass grabbing always works great!”
What a delightful person.
Rumor has it that she’s also going to bring her mini-horse with her to the mansion when she meets Ben, which won’t be weird at all!
Mandi is 28 from Portland, OR. She is a dentist, and she is also a model (which I know from looking her up around Portland, where I live now). She digs House and EDM music, loves Dazed & Confused (who does drugs?), she loves being in a swimsuit, considers her “legs for days” to be one of her three best attributes, and would say that an ex would list “tendency to drink too much, independent – do what I want, opinionated” as her worst attributes.
Prediction? She’ll either totally blaze out the first night or she’ll end up being the Courtney Robertson of this season. She’s got the looks (this is not a great picture of her, btw) and the smarts to be a serious threat…to any girl.
She also has a not-unhilarious audition video making its rounds on the internets, which I’ll post at the end of the post.
Olivia is 23 and a news anchor from Austin, TX. She loves the movie Shawshank Redemption, likes cold weather “because I’m a huge fan of hot chocolate, scarves, flannel sweaters and cuddling”, and nothing embarrassing her. Her biggest fear is ending up alone.
Rachel is 23, unemployed, and is from Little Rock, AR. Her favorite music is usually whatever is trending, gift giving is her love language, and if she could be an animal, she’d be “Cookie Monster, because I’m a sucker for good cookies. Does that count? Haha”.
No, actually. That doesn’t count.
Samantha is 26 and an attorney from New Smyrna Beach, FL. She loves country music, the movies Remember the Titans, Strangers, The Bone Collector, and graduating in the top 20% of her law class is her greatest achievement. She can’t live without “straightener, family, coffee, friends and WiFi (haha)”, and her parents approval means everything to her when it coms to dating a certain someone. She also doesn’t believe in impressing a man, saying, “I would hope that just being myself and spending quality time would be enough. If he is the right man for me, I shouldn’t have to work so hard to impress him.”
Yeah. That always works.
Shushanna is 27 and a mathematician from Salt Lake City, Utah. She digs Deep House, EDM, and Russian music, and her favorite movies are Inception, Shutter Island, Fast & Furious.
Here’s some choice Q&A:
What’s the closest you have ever come to being married, and why didn’t it work out? After five years of being together, we wanted different things from life. And I couldn’t live with his mom.
What do you hope to get out of participating in “The Bachelor”? At some point I stopped believing in love again. I thought something was wrong with me or I’m just so busy that I don’t want anyone in my life. Maybe this get away will help to open my eyes and meet someone special. And even if it doesn’t happen on the show, I believe this show will help me with my hopes and loss.
Oy. Guess we know who’s coming into the mansion carrying ALOTTA baggage…
Tiara is the 26 yr old “Chicken Enthusiast” from Redmond, WA, that you’ve been hearing about all over the internet. I’m not going to tell you what a Chicken Enthusiast is, mainly because I don’t care. She loves rap and techno, and guess what guysssss?! She loves The Notebook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She does not like hot OR cold weather – she’ll take medium weather instead, thanksverymuch – and chickens are in the top five things she can’t live without, along with her horse, food, car, her dad, and her sister. She also has “a lot to say and offer, so I do enjoy being the center of attention.”
AND THAT’S IT.
Here’s Mandi’s video:
So let’s discuss: Who’s already your favorite? Who do you already hate? Who’s your pick for the inevitable crazy-as-balls girl who stays forever until she finally has a dramatic send-off that we’ll be GIF’ing and Vine’ing up for weeks afterward? Who do you think has the best chance to win Ben’s heart? I haven’t made any hard and fast predictions of my own yet, so I’m curious to know what you guys think!
I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing some more previews + spoilers before the season starts, and I’ll try to keep you updated as best I can on the Amber L. Carter Facebook page and my Twitter. In the meantime, get game ready by following the Bachelor Master Twitter List (for the best live tweeting OF YO LYFE) and brush up on WTF Ben Higgins even is by back-reading recaps from Kaitlyn’s season.
Also, if you know of any digital publications who are looking for a Bachelor recapper, please send them my way or let me know! I’m doing some pitching this month, but a lil’ help from you guys would mean everything to me. Also ’cause these posts take a LOT of time and energy to craft, and I gots a cake frosting habit to support.
Until next time, Bachelor Babies!
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