Welcome to my Fuck It list. Fourteen things I’m going to stop giving a fuck about in 2014. Because, as important as it is to push yourself to be a healthier, more compassionate person, that can be downright impossible. Refusing to give a fuck, however, isn’t just easy — it’s kind of awesome.
So fuck it. Here are the fourteen things I’m going to stop worrying about come 2014.
This year, I’ve made a list of 15 Things I Refuse To Give a Fuck About In 2015 (capitalized, because it’s IMPORTANT). But instead of trying to write and post a huge massive manifesto all at once, I decided to instead break my list down into bite-sized pieces.
15 Fucks I Refuse To Give In 2015: #15 Fuck The Rush
Every Wednesday this summer, I’ve got a date with my #1 Lady Katy to do yoga in the park with our fellow high school alumn turned award-winning yogi, Ted of YogaTed Yoga. It is a dreamy, zenned out, blissful hour in a sun-dappled park, stretching and breathing while watching the sun begin to set over the Minneapolis skyline.
“Create space for yourself, and then move into that space,” Ted told us, during a particularly twisty pose. “Don’t force yourself into it. We’re always pushing ourselves ahead, trying to force ourselves to go further, faster. Don’t do that with this. Just create some space for yourself, and then move into that space.”
Ever since, I’ve been thinking about those words a lot.
This week I launched the presale of my new/old book, The Middle of Nowhere. I am so GD excited about this, you guys…after working so hard on this story that I love so much, I think it’s one of the first things in my life that I don’t give a whip if I sound braggy (or if people think I’m overselling it) when I say: The book is really fucking good, you guys. It’s really fucking good.
But it wouldn’t have been, if I would have launched it two years ago like I originally wanted to, or even three months ago like I felt I needed to.
Here’s a thing I’ve been learning that was finally cemented with this book: Fuck the rush. Lean into the timing. Last week I was all set to be done with this thing, thought I had finally finished it, and then literally later that night I stumbled upon a new song in @sophevea‘s yearly playlist that made a scene (this will make sense when you read the book). Made it. After being all, “you could have had this finished and done two years ago, Amber, if you would have just focused and buckled down on it”, I suddenly realized that I hadn’t finished the book earlier because I wasn’t supposed to.
That realization gave me permission to take a look at some other things in my life that I’m forcing. I have a book I’ve been working on for the past five years, and I’m not even done with the first draft. It’s THE book: The one I must finish writing and get out into the world before I can die. It’s my soul agreement. The thing I am here to do. (Like, literally, when something happens that makes me scared for my life, I actually think, “Well, I can’t die yet, because that book’s not done.”). And there are some days when I really want to work on it and other days when I don’t want to have anything to do with it. So I’ve decided not to push myself to work on it when I’m resisting it. I have a lot of books that are in the brainstorm / draft stages that I’ve been thinking about for 10 years…some are even ideas that were born when I was ten. And I want to finish all of them, but I have this instinctual feeling that they’re just not ready yet. That I still need to come across some experience or inspirational epiphany for them to really crack open and come alive for me.
And right now, there’s just so many other situations that I think I should hurry up and resolve, but I feel that the timing will be perfect for all of them if I just keep my eyes open and let it happen. I’m totally that person who tries to subscribe to the idea that Done Is Better Than Perfect, but with some things…procrastination is also a sign of instinctual resistance. It’s a message that this doesn’t feel right before it’s not supposed to, yet.
Like, with this blog series. Initially I planned to post my 15 things in January, one post for each day of two+ weeks. But I wasn’t supposed to do that, because I was supposed to learn some of the things meant for the list as the year progressed. (Otherwise you probably would have read two weeks worth of “Fuck Dating Dumb Boys” and “Fuck Giving Wedding Gifts To Reward YOU For Being Able To Get Married”…which are still worthy “Fuck It” items, but. Maybe not as useful as some of the other stuff on this year’s list)
And, ironically, that works into what seems to be unifying theme across the 2015 Fuck It List…allowing myself the permission to free myself from the daily and creative constraints that don’t actually serve me. Giving myself more freedom to operate in a way that actually nourishes me. Refusing to act like I need to babysit or police myself in order to be productive. Trusting in myself that I will get done exactly what I need to get done when I need to get it done.
This weekend I’ll be spending all of my time turning out the all the added promo and extra features and little easter eggs that come with The Middle of Nowhere. And I’m psyched. Two years ago…probably wouldn’t have been psyched. I probably would have wanted to just rush it out and then push onto the next thing. And trust – I’ve got other things coming. If you were a fan of Holiday Chick and you’re bummed that this book isn’t exactly a new book for you, have no fear: I have a new novel coming your way soon that I am also SO EXCITED about (like, so excited that I’ve basically written the first draft via my iPhone Notes app, because I can’t stop thinking about it during almost every part of my day, and the scenes and characters and plot twists keep flowing like waterfalls). And I don’t have rush it because it’s already coming, because it feels right, because it’s supposed to happen right now. And so now, instead of trying to make plans and a timeline and force myself to stick with them, I’m using that as the guide to lead me. There’s always going to be a little bit of work and perseverance involved to take you from the beginning to the end, but it’s the kind you love…it’s the last three miles of the marathon, where it’s tough and you’re ready to be fucking done, already, but you can also already taste just a little bit of the endorphins that are gonna flood your brain when you are, so you don’t stop.
(Boy, for someone who doesn’t run unless someone’s chasing her, I sound like I know a lot about marathon running, don’t I? METAPHOR MASTERY BE THINE)
So in 2015, fuck the rush. Fuck pushing something out before it’s really ready; fuck trying to be done with something just to be done. Either I want to do it and spend the time it takes on it, or I’m just not doing it right now. And giving myself the permission to operate that way feels fucking great.
Just the way it should be.
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