Men of the universe…
If I could impart one piece of advice, one nugget of wisdom gained through observation, empirical research, and personal experience, it would be this:
Learn how to close.
In a shorter time span than six months, I mean.
As the Cyber Dating Sidekick, I get a lot of questions about what the biggest mistake is that people make when it comes to dating. And it’s always about closing. It takes 15 emails to get him to ask me to coffee…I’ve been flirting with this guy for 3 months and he still hasn’t asked me out…we’ve hung out five times and he still hasn’t kissed me…I hear this over and over. And you wanna know what it all adds up to? Missed opportunities.
And before we go any further, let me say this: Snyde, I know you’re going to try to come on here and get all up in my grill about “why can’t girls close” and “guys love it when girls seal the deal” and all that other bullshit that you try to pull with me when I’m talking about dating. Save it. We’re not talking about what’s fair in the battle of the sexes today. We’ve already established on this blog many times that women have to deal with periods and men have to deal with being the one who asks for the date. THAT’S JUST HOW IT IS, SNYDE. It is the lot that we are dealt with – I did not choose this. I did not create it. I am merely here to take your hand and guide you along the path to righteousness.
Alright? Good. Now that that’s out of the way…
See, the thing is, guys, we’re not always that patient. And you’re kind of being dicks for thinking that the girl you like is going to wait around forever for you to make your move. Here’s the way the universe works: If you like a girl, chances are there’s at least two other guys hanging around, dying for a chance to get her attention, too. Two other guys who might be faster and smoother than you. Two other guys who aren’t going to let that night pass without sealing the deal. And then you lose. Because the other thing you don’t know is this: 90% of the time, the first one to the plate wins.
In my own personal experience, even if I barely like the guy, if he has the balls to ask me out on a damn date, I’m going to say yes. Because it does take balls, and it does take courage, and I like to reward that (the second date is another story. I am a little bit more selective on that one). On the other hand, if I really like someone and they take forever to do anything about it…they’re off the list. Because that shit is freaking exhausting. If you don’t want to ask me out, totally fine. Onto the next. But if I can tell that you kind of do…are maaaybeee thinking about it…are dropping hints left and right…and then you don’t? Done. Because that’s when my Like for you turns into confusion, and then insecurity, and then resentment, and I don’t like being that girl. And you won’t like me being her, either.
Because that’s the whole thing, guys. And that’s what makes this kind of thing so sad to see…when you take forever to close the deal, you’re actually kind of hurting her feelings. We start to think that maybe…you don’t really like us. That you probably actually find us hideous or super annoying or just totally not cool enough for you and all those hints that you’ve been dropping were totally not hints at all, but you trying to nicely say, “Hey. Loser. Hit the bricks.” And then someone hands us a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You and we read it and then are like, “This is totally THAT guy!”, even if it’s not (that book can be verrrry persuasive). So we start to stay away, and then you start to think that we don’t like you, and then it becomes this whole circular mess where everyone is miserable and no one is getting laid.
Like everything else, men, talk is cheap. And if you don’t actually follow up your attraction with action – in a reasonable enough time span – your words are going to start looking like the jewelry at Forever 21 – kind of cute when you first see it, but after a while it just starts to remind you of all the people you can’t stand.
That wasn’t a super great analogy. I guess what I’m trying to say is: The jewelry at Forever 21 is fucking junk.
So how do you close? There are many, many ways that you can do this, gentleman. Let’s set up the scenario:
You like a girl. You think that she might like you (and if you think that she “might” like you, then chances are that she really, really likes you, since you guys aren’t the awesomest with subtle hints and so she’s probably been laying it on suuuuuper thick this whole time and you only now just caught on). You’re in the same room together. You might even be talking to each other. There are a variety of options for this particular moment.*
1. Ask her if she likes Chinese food. Mention that you like Chinese food. Suffer through a really long pause where she stares at you and nods her head, and then say, really really fast, “MaybesometimeweshouldgogetChinesefoodtogetherIknowareallygreatplaceIcouldtakeyouto.” Hold your breath until she says yes, and then exhale slowly.
2. Ask her about herself. Act like you’re listening…better yet, actually listen. Then, tell her that you think she’s really interesting and you’d like to get to know her better…like, say, over coffee this Saturday afternoon.
3. Slam down your beer, turn to her, and ask, “Can we fucking start holding hands yet or WHAT?!”
4. Ask her for her number. Use it a couple hours later to text/call her that it was nice to see her tonight and that you’d love it if you could see her again soon. (Caution: Asking for her number and then just telling her it was nice to see her tonight is not closing. That’s flirting. Super sweet flirting, but you have to follow it up with concrete action for it to be considered closing. You may think this goes without saying. It does not.)
5. Completely ignore her. Don’t even look at her. No eye contact, do not even acknowledge anything she says. Then, the moment she gets up from the table, throw her a meaningful look and say, “I had a really great time hanging out with you tonight. We should do it again sometime.”
6. Chat her up for a few hours. Get her into a really long, involved conversation, to the point where she’s ignoring her friends so she can talk to you. Then, after you’ve spent almost all night talking to her, sigh, say, “Well, see ya around” and then hit her on the arm as you walk away.
7. Ask her if she’d like to get some air. Take her out on the deck/patio/sidewalk/behind the building and just go in for the kill. Kiss her. Just like that, right there, right then.
8. Ask her if she likes boats. When she nods, tell her you have a boat. Wait for her to ask you if you’ll take her out on it. When she doesn’t, repeat to her again that you have a boat. (Also see: Motorcycles)
9. Tell her about your favorite hobby. When she smiles and says that she’s always wanted to try/learn how/practice that particular hobby, ask her if she wants to tag along with you next time.
GOD. SEE HOW EASY THIS SHIT IS? SHE PROBABLY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO GENUINE INTEREST IN YOUR DUMB FUCKING HOBBY, BUT SHE’S STILL BEING ENTHUSIASTIC AND SWEET ABOUT IT. THAT’S HER ESSENTIALLY SAYING, “I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH EASIER I COULD POSSIBLY MAKE THIS FOR YOU, SO ASK ME OUT NOW, JACKASS, OR I WILL BE WRITING YOU OFF FOREVER FOR BEING A MORON WHO CAN’T INITIATE ANYTHING WHICH ALSO MEANS THAT YOU PROBABLY WILL NEVER INITIATE SEX, EITHER, WHICH MEANS THAT I’M GOING TO HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE AND I AM TOO FUCKING OLD TO KEEP DOING THAT ANYMORE!”
The point is, guys, when you think about it, she could walk out of that room and be hit by a bus or something, and then she’ll always be the girl you were going to ask out before she died and stuff. That’s a drag, right? Or, more realistically, she’ll walk out of that room and get asked out by some other guy, and she’ll be so excited that someone is actually asking her out that she’ll say yes even if he’s a douchebag, and he’ll be so happy that she actually gave him a chance that he’ll do everything in his power to make sure that she stays completely off the market for the rest of your natural born life. And then all those things that keep running through your head every time you see her? You’ll never get a chance to do them.
At least when you make a point to close, you have a chance. So close it. Whether you actually want to date this girl or just wanna make out with her, close it. Ask her out on an actual date. Set up the scenario to get her alone so you can finally kiss her. The longer you wait, the less she’ll want to. Even if you like the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the flirt-fest, you should still always be taking one step closer to closing, every single time.
And yes, I know most of you movie nerds have probably been bouncing around this entire post, dying for me to mention the scene in Glengarry Glen Ross. Because the ABC’s (Always Be Closing) are true, in sales or in life. It’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks.
Written and published October 5, 2011