{Prehistoric Amber} Bitchy Advice Column: The Launch

Editor’s Note: This Column was previously prefaced in a post written and published June 15, 2006: 

So I’ve decided that I want to be a bitchy advice columnist. 

Reasons why I think I would be great for the job –
1. I keep it real, y’all.
2. I know everything, therefore I give great advice.
3. I love getting involved in other people’s problems.
4. I wanna actually get paid for doing skills 1 thru 3.

So you guys are gonna be my guinea pigs. Send me your problems, either via the comment section or e-mail. I’ll fix ’em for ya, or at least show you how to fix ’em. And I really won’t be that bitchy – I’m actually quite a nice person who just has a very low tolerance for bullshit. If anything, I’ll just be a bitch about the person you have a problem with, making you feel validated and supported by me! And really, that’s all anyone ever wants anyway.

Anonymous wrote:
I’m a college student. I am majoring in chemistry. I’m not interested in Chem. I took econ and got an “A” all my chem classes have been b’s or below. I never took interest in it. but I’m doing my 4th year in a university.

Amber Advises –
I think you answered your own question. Suck it up and major in Econ. Look at it this way – you could plow through with your degree in Chemistry (telling yourself to do it since you’re already in your fourth year), graduate, and then end up going to back to school after realizing you’d rather kill yourself then work in that particular field for one more god-forsaken day. So switch majors now. The End.

Mr. Underhill wrote –
I haven’t got laid in like DAYS. HELP!

Amber Advises –
Shut the fuck up. I haven’t gotten laid in months. You live in Vegas, which means you have three options: 1. Go get a hooker 2. Go to a club and find some chick at bar close who’s buzzed and therefore horned up (don’t forget to give her cab fare for the ride home, so at least you don’t look like a skeeze) 3. Go on a date and try to create that “it’s the first date but there’s just so much chemistry” crap (hint – online dating is really good for that kind of shit).

Straight Sambucca wrote –
amber, i have a friend who keeps telling me how i feel. for example me: “i don’t find x attractive anymore” friend: “yes you do, you would SO shag him given the very first opportunity.” how do i tell her nicely to can it?

Amber Advises –
You can do one of two things. The first one is the passive-aggressive yet rarely effective method, which is to do the exact same thing that she does every time she expresses an opinion, hoping that she’ll catch on to how annoying it is. The second one – and my personal recommendation – is to react this way the next time she tells you how you feel: Stare her straight in the eyes, remain deadly silent for a moment, and then say quietly, “Did you not just hear me say that I don’t find him attractive?” You’ll get your point across, she’ll feel like a dumb bitch, and after about 5 times of this effective behavioral therapy, this annoying habit of hers should disappear right quick.

Hippo wrote –
This is a serious request for a serious problem. I would like to just go out and have fun and bang lotsa chicks but I always feel guilty about them thinking that I just used them. How can I still bang lots of chicks and let the chicks down easy with some unique “its not you its me” thing. How can I make them feel bad and sympathetic towards me and my predicament (of course it will be a lie…a deception) and just forget that they have just gotten laid without no real future with me.

Amber Advises –
Just be yourself. They will consider themselves lucky that not only did they get laid, but that they don’t have to have any real future with you.

However, if that turns out not to be the case, then I would at least advise that you are honest with these girls from the get-go. Don’t be the asshole who pretends they want a relationship just so they can get some sweet poontang. When I use someone, I at least tell them that I’m only planning on using them…that way, they have no one to blame but themselves if they expect and don’t get more further on down the line.

Hippo also wrote –
Do chicks look down on you if you want to eat them out while they are menstrurating or do they find it sexy and find themselves even more attractive and desired because someone would do that?Waiting impatiently for an answer?

Amber Advises –
Gross. I once heard of a kid in high school that was so bent on having sex with his girlfriend that he pulled out her tampon with his teeth. If that scenario happened to me, I don’t think I would feel more attractive and desired. I am all about removing the stigma of menstruation, and I do tend to get a little snarky towards guys who act like babies when us chicks are riding the crimson wave (hint: some cruel act of nature/God also ensured that we are at our most amped for sex while menstruating.)

I, personally, would probably turn the oral down while I was in touch with the phases of the moon. Towards the beginning or ending of the period…I could kind of see that. However, to do oral to a girl while she was in the throes of the red river flooding out of her…that does kind of gross me out a bit. But to each his own – I mean, some people love golden showers. I do not. Be it far from me to judge, though, so no, I don’t think I would look down on you if you offered that to me…I would mostly just politely turn you down and then tell all my friends about it later.

Dan wrote –
There’s this African river animal trying to lick my genitals at the most inopportune times.And he won’t take no for an answer.

Amber Advises –
See now, Dan, usually guys use the whole “It’s an ANACONDA!” thing when they’re whipping it out, about to give it to ‘er. But you…you use it in reference to something that’s licking your genitals. And you make a point of calling it a “he.” Interesting.

Redirt Wrote –
I’ve just moved in with two women sea-side. It’s a great 3 bedroom apartment and I get the biggest room…and the biggest bed. I’d like to fill that bed with women as quickly as possible, but I do not wish to offend my new roommates.

Amber Advises –
Don’t worry, Redirt. Filling your bed with women will never happen, so there’s no need for you to fill your pretty little head with worry about offending your new roommates.

If, however, a miracle of some sort takes place and you do find a willing bedmate (notice I did not use the plural tense), the best advice is to be as unobtrusive as possible. Don’t grunt and moan all night long. Move to the floor if your thrusting causes the bed to squeak. Shove her out of there as soon as she wakes up. If your roommates can pretend that it was all a figment of their imagination that you had someone willing to let you molest them during the course of the night, then you’ve been effective.

KimmyK wrote –
I have coworkers that are always negative. Always saying mean things about issues in the news. Immigration, supporting the President, etc…I think they’re all Republicans. They drive me crazy. It’s like working with O’Reilly and Ann Coulter.

Amber Advises –
I actually just had to deal with something similar as well…a few of my co-workers apparently still thought it was a riot to reference “Brokeback Mountain” at every vague opportunity, even though the movie came out, what, a year ago? So it was getting old, not to mention the fact that it was extremely inappropriate to joke about that in the workplace when we happen to work with adolescent boys who may be struggling with their own sexuality.

My suggestion is this – you could do the mature and respectful thing where you say “That’s really inappropriate to say in this type of setting” when they mention something off-color about immigration, etc. Do NOT say “That really offends me”…only the most annoying people say that, and no one really cares anymore if they offend you or not. The only downside to breaking out the whole “that’s inappropriate” is that it could make you look lame and unfun, unless you can do it like me and lay on a slightly sarcastic edge or a “I’m super nice so don’t hate me” smile.

If that doesn’t work or if the comments really aren’t that inappropriate but are just annoying, simply start changing the subject immediately after they make a comment. Have some already in your arsenal so when one of them spews out something like “Damn immigrants, trying to take away our jobs” you can immediately smile and say “So anyway, I was watching VH1 and there was this really awesome segment of Best Week Ever…”. This is definitely passive-aggressive, but it also sends a clear message that what they talk about is not worth spending more than five seconds on.

Or you could just tell them to shut the fuck up. Seriously. The next time they start to say something à la Ann Coulter, just keep your head down and mumble “Shut the fuck up.” Loud enough for them to hear, but not loud enough to give them validation that they’re getting to you. This is most effectively done while you are in the midst of drinking coffee and reading the paper…it will give you that whole disinterested-but-not-here-to-deal-with your-shit coworker vibe.

Written & Published June 21, 2006

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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