Welcome to the premiere of Bachelor In Paradise!
In case you haven’t been keeping up with the newest show of the Bachelor franchise, basically it’s going to be a lot of beautiful people in swimsuits who all make out with each other and then cry a bunch about how hard it is to be in paradise with a bunch of beautiful people who are all making out with each other.
Which basically means that this is going to be my most favorite show ever.
The slutty season opens on a tropical island somewhere in Mexico (I think), where Chris Harrison stands on the beach at the bottom of a stone staircase, ready to greet the newest tramps of Bachelor Nation. First up is the most obvious choice, Crazy Clare. You might remember Clare from The Bachelor: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter, which she is most memorable for 1) Sleeping with Juan Pablo. A LOT. 2) Speaking about herself in the third person (“Does he really know who Clare is?”. 3) Telling off Juan Pablo during the Final Rose, which totally redeemed her 1) and 2) because it was SO satisfying to see someone tell off the biggest douchebag in Bachelor. Clare tells Chris she is excited to find love during this experience. Because of course that’s totally going to happen for her, because these situations always seem to work out so well for her.
Next up is Marcus, the most painfully emotional man on The Bachelorette: Andi is a Lawyer. I’m neutral about Marcus. His whole “I’m so in love with you after knowing you for three days” schtick was annoying to me during last season, and also…I don’t really think he’s as sweet and innocent as he was portrayed in the last season. But he looks good with his shirt off, so whatever, yeah?
One Armed Sarah is here! The sweetest and most vulnerable girl from The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You! is back to find love in the most ego-crushing way possible. She used to feel really insecure about having one arm and meeting guys, but now that’s all changed! Sarah heads up to the cocktail party, locks eyes with Marcus, and immediately decides that this will be the guy who will heal her emotionally, especially since he can’t heal her physically.
Because she only has one arm! Get it?
Marquel from Andi’s season is heeeerrreee! I love that guy – he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s full of integrity, and he’s freaking hoooooot. Clare agrees, and I feel like she could really use some dark chocolate in her life.
Daniella from The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You arrives, looking like a low-grade cocktail waitress, still. You know, a funny thing happens after girls are on The Bachelor – it’s like their whole style game goes up fifteen notches. Not Daniella, though! Daniella ain’t gonna change that dye job for NOBODAAY!
Graham from DeAnna’s season (I didn’t watch it, so I don’t have a nickname for it, but I can tell you that DeAnna is probably my least favorite Bachelorette, next to Desiree) is here. He’s cute. He arrives at the cocktail party, and Daniella definitely wants his D.
Some girl named Lacy starts wandering down the beach, and everyone’s like, “Who the eff is Lacy?” I’m like that, too, until I remember that she got kicked off Juan Pablo’s season on the first freaking night. HAHAHAHA. All the guys want her V, though, so I’m pretty sure she’ll break that PR this time around.
Ben S. from The Bachelorette: Desiree Grew Up Poor is here. I don’t remember him, because Desiree’s season was the most boring season ever, but apparently he’s an asshole? So that’ll be fun.
The next arrivals are as follows, because this part is getting boring: Michelle K from Jake’s season of The Bachelor (I vaguely remember her for being crazy and leaving in a cloud of drama). Robert from The Bachelorette: Desiree Grew Up Poor. DYLAN! Dylan’s from Andi’s season – I love him so much. We’ll talk about it later. Elise from Juan Pablo’s season shows up wearing straight-up stilettos and has to literally hobble down the stone staircase, which is hilarious, because A. It’s a beach B. Chris literally just stands there, watching her and laughing. Elise sees Dylan and tells us that she feels love at first sight, and I’m like STEP OFF BITCH THAT MAN IS MINE. Luckily while she’s making love eyes at him he seems to be wondering where he can get another glass of wine. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is the last one to arrive. Guess what, guys, – she came here for one reason, and one reason only: Graham.
This isn’t going to end up badly at all for her, is it!
Chris brings his fine man ass to the cocktail party and tells all the hos and bros to gather around so he can explain the rules of the game. It’s basically like Paradise Hotel, but with Bachelor contestants – everyone has to have enough of a connection with someone at the end of the week for that someone to want to keep them around. If no one wants to give them a rose, they’re kicked off that Paradise Island, STAT.
Also, while he’s telling them this, one can’t help noticing that Robert already has his shirt off and that Lacy’s hair is wet and she’s in her bikini, so apparently she’s had a little dip in the ocean with him already – what a slut!
Later that night, Marcus takes a long walk on the beach to think about his feelings. He’s still feeling stuff for Andi, even though she dropped him but cold and was like, “Yo. Take yo’ tears and BOUNCE!” Luckily, there’s an ocean right in front of him to wash away all his sorrows. Luckily x 100, Lacy just got done jumping into the ocean with Robert, but she also really likes Marcus, and oh yeah, she goes after what she wants, so she jumps into the Marcus, too. One Armed Sarah finds another way to be sad about stuff by telling us that she really likes Marcus, too, so seeing him standing in the ocean with Lacy makes her feel like she’s lost another limb. Robert sees Marcus and Lacy in the ocean and tells his bros, “Yo, he’s stealing my girl.” And Robert is NOT gonna play that, homie, so he goes and finds Lacy post-dip. “Hello, Miss I’ve been wet all day long,” he says. I laugh so hard I almost choke. YOU SAID IT, ROBERT.
Lacy bats her eyes and asks if he’s into any of the other girls, and he’s like, “no, I’m just kind of into you.” “Really?!” she squeals. Oh man, Robert. You are SO gonna get played by this girl.
Then we see Elise leading Dylan down to the ocean. I enjoy this, because it gives me a chance to see Dylan without his shirt off, and thus imagine him nekkid. Also, nice G-String tan line, Elise. They start kissing in the ocean, and I don’t get mad because I know that he doesn’t even know me yet and so he has no reason to be loyal and he’s probably dreaming of me abstractly while he’s kissing her, anyway, because we are meant to be together and I know that, even though we’re total, complete strangers, he has to know and feel that deep down (like down in his pants), even if he doesn’t know that that’s what he’s really feeling.
Day 2! Breakfast with babes. AshLee is already going Lifetime Original Movie Stalker Mode on Graham. But don’t worry, kids – even though he’s the only reason she’s here and she feels like they have a total connection and that she’s sure that they have to end up together, she doesn’t want to be “overbearing.”
You know, not overbearing as in getting all obsessive about someone you barely know and then dropping everything in your life to go to a tropical island in the hopes that you’ll get the chance to meet him in real life and make him fall in love with you, but overbearing in that she doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable by “kissing on him, loving on him” right that second.
Daniella, for her part, nails it – “When AshLee likes someone, she automatically thinks that they’re going to get married if he even halfway likes her.” Which is not a crazy psycho train of thought AT ALL.
Date card comes, and it’s for Clare. The note says something about how nothing could “ruin” this date, and Clare goes cheerleader cray-cray and screams about how she had a dream about standing at the top of ruins. She asks Graham to go on the date with her. Surprised but pleasingly so, Graham says yes. And then laser beams shoot out of AshLee’s eyes, burning both Clare and Graham to a crisp right where they stand.
Just kidding! Instead, AshLee climbs a spiral staircase of sadness, finally crying when she reaches the very top of it. Shutting herself into her room, we hear her talking to herself, “He’s going on the date. Not even for 24 hours. He couldn’t even be loyal for 24 hours.” Apparently her suitcase is her best friend and is always there for her when she needs to talk about her feelings, because this little speech about loyalty does not stop for a good 5 minutes, not even when Daniella comes in to the room to make sure AshLee hasn’t slashed her wrists yet. “In real life, I would never speak to him again,” she tell Daniella. “I came for him, everyone knows he’s into me. He’s the only normal person here besides me.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god, there is no bounds to AshLee’s delusional Fatal Attraction particular piece of crazy. If her and Graham are the only normal people there, I am seriously concerned for Graham’s mental health. One Armed Sarah has thrown her one arm into the ring, too, stating that she also thinks AshLee is literally crazy. And you know if Sarah thinks someone is crazy, they are mentally fucking insane.
BUT THEN THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENS IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, AND IT IS CLARE GOING TO SIT ON A LEDGE SOMEWHERE TO CRY AND CONFIDE IN A RACCOON.
I am sooooo not making this up.
Clare notices that AshLee’s upset, which makes her upset, because Clare doesn’t want drama, you guys. She doesn’t want this! She didn’t come here for this! The raccoon just watches her a moment, feeling sad that he only wanted to find garbage and instead he found this basket case. It was literally one of the most amazing moments of television I’ve ever seen – it wasn’t even noon on the second day yet and two girls are already crying and crazy-talking to themselves.
Eventually, Clare sits down with AshLee to talk to her about the date. AshLee is insistent that Graham had a choice to say no to the date…are you kidding me?! What guy in his right mind is going to say no to a tropical adventure with a blonde chick who sports a great rack and is just the right kind of crazy in that she’d be totally game with jumping into bed with you if you talk enough about the future in abstract enough terms for her to think that you’re including her in it? But AshLee still insists that Graham should have understood that once you take a walk on the beach with her, that you are now emotionally tied to her for life, so instead Clare offers to ask another guy to the date. Which…I mean. If it were me? I’d be like, “Get over it, I’m going on a hot date with the guy you like, and just for being a baby about it, now I’m totally going to do it with him on the top of those ruins. Cry about THAT.” But Clare is apparently much kinder/dumber than me, so she offers and AshLee is like, “Yeah, go do that, because all guys love it when you make them miserable and take away a rad chance at a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity from them in order to prove a point about how to treat you, so this is the perfect solution and everything is going to totally work out now.”
So Clare goes off to find Graham to tell him that AshLee has already book their wedding venue and so it might not be appropriate for them to go on a date together, and then bounces off to ask Robert on a date, which Robert happily accepts. Graham goes to look for AshLee, who’s standing on the beach, staring forlornly at the horizon, obviously waiting for Graham to come and find her and reenact her favorite dramatic scene from a Lifetime Original Movie. He calls out to her. She ignores him at first. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THAT BRAIN IN HERS – YOU GUYS WEREN’T EVEN GOING OUT! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO BE DRAMATIC ABOUT THIS. It’s like AshLee’s emotional development got stuck back in the 7th grade, and she’s still pulling the junior high shit when it comes to boys – you should’ve just known what I was thinking, and because you didn’t, now I’m not talking to you! Finally, she turns around and decides to ask him what’s up (she literally did that – just turned around and was like, “what’s up?”, like she wasn’t just totally ignoring him a second ago). He tells her that the guys are making him paranoid about the fact that he hurt her feelings, and she’s basically like, “Yeah, you did, but I’d really like to make you suffer a little more for it, so let’s talk about it tomorrow.” Graham later tells us that it’s gone from Bachelor in Paradise to Paradise Lost.
He tells us that now he’s uber uncomfortable, and you gotta feel bad for the guy. It’s the classic storyline of nice, unassuming guy who gets caught in the sights of a crazy stalker psycho chick. You know, like you see in Lifetime Original Movies.
Only with AshLee, this movie is FOR REAL.
Fast-forward to the date: Clare and Robert are exploring the temple ruins. Robert steps onto a mountain of fire ants, and within seconds he’s covered in fire ants. He throws off his backpack and rips off his shirt, which is kind of amazing, except for the fact that I’m sitting there and yelling at them to get the fuck out of there, because fire ants are always the first sign THAT THE TEMPLE IS CURSED AND SOMETHING DOESN’T WANT YOU THERE.
Or, that something could be me. This date is super boring.
They climb to the top. Clare is literally speechless. We all sit there and enjoy that for a minute, but then it ends. Her and Robert take photos together, which apparently is hilarious, because then Clare tells us that “I want a man who gets my jokes, and wants to know that side of Clare,” and apparently Robert could be that person. I love it when Clare speaks in the third person – it’s so precious and dumb.
Back at The Beach of Bimbos, Lacy has decided that since Robert is on the date with Clare, she should take advantage of this Robert-free time and go after Marcus. Seriously, this girl is kind of a predator, and I’m really enjoying the fact that she thinks that playing two boys at the same time is not going to blow up in her face.
We all know that the producers love One Armed Sarah, so obviously she gets the second date card. She asks Marcus on the date, which upsets Lacy. Someone really needs to teach this girl that when you try to go after not one, but two of the big fish, someone is going to try to beat you to the lake and snag the prize for themselves.
I just made a fishing metaphor. Proof positive that I’ve officially lived in the Northwoods for too damn long.
Sarah and Marcus are on their date for two seconds before they strip down to their swimsuits, which I guess is probably going to define the entire season. They end up at this insane, gorgeous oasis, and I feel like one of the producers maybe doesn’t like Sarah all that much (Elan?) because in order to get into the oasis, they have to jump off of a high dive…and as everyone knows, One Armed Sarah is terrified of heights. Luckily, she has a hot guy to hold her hand and jump in with her, so all is well. They go up for another jump, and she tells Marcus that before they jump, she really wants him to kiss her. It’s like, the most awkward ask ever, but Marcus kisses her (even though I was kind of hoping that he would yell, “NO!” and then push her in before running out of there, because hilarious). Sarah feels like she just asked the cutest boy in high school to kiss her, so she feels pretty triumphant. Good for her! High five, Sarah!
Robert comes back to the house and notices that Lacy looks “a little sad or tired or something” (look at this guy and his apt emotional readings), so they go to talk. She literally tries to make him feel bad for her by telling him that the two guys that she likes and is interested in both went on a date tonight. WHY THE FUCK would he care if you’re sad that the other guy you like went on a date? They go walk on the beach, and then sit and talk some more, and she asks him if he kissed Clare. He says no. She bats her eyes again and thinks about how she’s going to kiss Marcus later.
LIMO IS COMING! Who’s here?! Whoever it is, they are wearing some GODAWFUL bell bottoms. Oh hey, it’s Michelle Money! Because of course it is. She arrives and announces that, along with her surprise arrival, she also has a date card.
Nothing like arming the impostor with ammunition, yeah? In case you didn’t catch on already, there’s going to be a surprise arrival each week, to switch it all up in the house and add more dramz to the show. And you better believe that the producers have planned include the most drama-making people in the history of Bachelorland as the surprise arrivals.
So Michelle pulls Graham aside to talk, and the camera pans to AshLee, and we all fully expect her head to explode into a billion pieces. Graham and Michelle talk about how they have history together and still care about each other, and there’s no real resolution to this conversation – so are they just going to leave it at that, or continue to pursue something together? In the morning, though, Michelle decides to ask Marquel out on the date. They go horseback riding and then go swimming in the beach. Yawn.
Lacy gets a date card, and takes us through her indecision of whether to ask Robert or Marcus. “I’m 80/40.”
Uh, WHAT? I think you mean 60/40, brainiac. You can’t do simple math but you think you’re gonna be successful at keeping two of the hottest guys in the house on the hook? This is going to be fun.
In the end, she takes Robert on the date. They sit at a table outside under the stars, Robert tries not to ask WTF is going on with her hair, they eat dinner, and then go swimming. AGAIN, yawn.
Marcus, for his part, has a long talk with my husband Dylan about his feelings for Lacy. Dylan gives him what seems to be very good advice over a glass of wine, but I’m not as concerned about what he’s saying as much as I am about staring at him and being all “Do me.”
Rose Ceremony! AshLee feels like she’s in a good place with Graham and that he’s going to get a rose. She gets cocky about how the other girls are going to have to work hard to have conversations and make connections. I really want a shark to eat this girl at some point. Daniella and Ben talk about the fact that they really haven’t had a romantic connection with anyone yet, but that Ben should keep her because she’s one of the most fun people in the house. Everyone knows that Robert is going to give Lacy his rose, and Marcus is quiet about what he’s going to do with *his* rose. Marquel talks about how anything could happen with the rose ceremony – someone could go back on their word to someone else and totally change the game.
This is what we call “Foreshadowing.”
The ceremony starts, Marquel picks up his rose, and Michelle K interrupts and announces that she’s eliminating herself. Chris Harrison is like, “Cool, you kinda crazy anyway, so get yo’ ass to the limo, gurrrrl.” IN the car, some production guy asks Michelle if she wants to find love. She says it will happen, and maybe it’s already happened. The guy asks her what she means, and she just gives him this “I don’t knooooow!” look. And this reminds everyone of the start of the show, when Chris made a comment at the cocktail party about how everyone here was single and Michelle was like, “Well, maybe.” Again, this is what we call “foreshadowing”: I will be a zillion, billion dollars that she started doing it with some production guy the moment she got to the island and Chris is going to find out and they’re all going to be in big trouble.
Rose Ceremony match-ups are as follows:
Marqual – Michelle
Graham – AshLee
Dylan – Elise (she’s getting crazy too – “I literally would have said I love you to Dylan already but it’s too soon. WTF.)
Marcus – Lacy (WHAT AN ASSHOLE! SEE EVERYBODY? HE’S NOT SUCH A SWEET GUY AFTER ALL, IS HE?!)
Robert – Clare
Ben – cue electronic music and him saying “this sucks”, which is, like, the most hilarious part of the entire show – Sarah
Poor cocktail waitress Daniella is cut. To be fair, she did have the best zingers of the show, so I’m kind of bummed that she was eliminated on the first week, but I’m also happy because this means that she now has time to get that hair done.
Next week: MAJOR DRAMA! MORE KISSING IN THE OCEAN! SOMEBODY CRIES AGAIN!
I’m going to really, really love this show.
Written and published August 5, 2014