Online Dating Diaries™: Trust Fund Tom Cruise Seeks Gym Addicted Jessica Biel; Depth of Character Need Not Apply

Today’s Online Dating Diaries post is long.

But it’s not really my fault.

It’s the fault of the guy in the white leather jacket, pictured here.

In the interest of doing some deep, deep cleaning (you thought I was going to say “dickin'”, didncha?) online dating material I’ve been holding on to these past few years, I decided to pull out 1) one of my all-time favorite online dating posts EVER 2) Add the second coming of it, which was sent to me by a dear reader, Amanda, and of which I’ve been holding onto for a couple of years, just waiting for the right time to share it with the wider world.

But, first things first: This is the original post I shared on An Amber Colored Life back in November of 2012. (This will also be added to the Portfolio in the near future so you can keep coming back to it again and again)

The Tom Cruise Lookalike In That They Are Both Delusional Edition

It’s the white leather jacket…the way it’s open, like he’s too casual to be bothered to zip it up but not too casual to go without popping the collar…and the way he’s standing, like, “Oh, just having my morning cup of joe and by the way have you seen my abs?”

And the background…THE BACKGROUND…

On today’s Maybe Not Monday, we are going to talk about A WHOLE MESS of things.

I’m almost kind of scared that some of you aren’t ready for this.

But you must be.

First, the things you should know about this profile that I cannot show you because I don’t want to get sued:

1) He is a moderately handsome man from Manhattan. I say this to you because a couple things you will read below might make you automatically think he’s a Jersey Shore boy. And honestly, if he were, some of these things could be overlooked or maybe even forgiven. But this guy obviously knows better, SO THEY’RE NOT. In fact, I am 99% sure that if you took a look at his profile with me, you would immediately say, “He kind of reminds me of Christian Bale’s character from American Psycho.” And to that I would say, “Hey. Me, too.”

2) His username is a variation of “WellEndowed635”.
Later on in his profile he makes it sound like his username is alluding to his trust fund. But it’s enough of a euphemism where anyone with 25% of proper brain function knows that he really wants you to think it refers to the size of his personal man muscle.

You know…down there.

His penis, I mean. He’s talking about his penis, you guys! He’s trying to tell us how big his penis is by using “well endowed” in his username!

2) His pics are mostly shots taken of himself in the mirror, and he uses the captions to list the items of designer clothes he’s wearing.
MEN OF THE EARTH. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, and I will now say it again: Under no uncertain terms are you EVER to use a profile picture that you have taken of yourself while standing in front of the mirror. It makes us wonder if you have no friends and that’s why you only have pictures you took of yourself to use in your profile. It makes us wonder if you’re vain, and if standing in front of the mirror, smirking at yourself, is something you do a lot, whether or not we’re around. We also wonder how, in this day and age, you have not figured out how to at least position the camera so it doesn’t show in the mirror, like all the girls before you who figured that out three years ago to raging Facebook profile picture success.

Just stop doing it. Ask a friend to take a picture for you. If you’re embarrassed to say it’s for your online profile, tell him you’re sending it to your mom. Better yet, get a gal pal to do it for you – girls LOVE doing that shit, and she’ll make sure you come out of it with a really, really good picture of yourself. If you’re embarrassed to get your friends to do it, go to a busy street and ask some friendly passer-by to do it for it. WHATEVER. Just stop doing it in the mirror with the camera phone flash and your stupid vacant mirror-face.

Back to this guy: The listing of designer clothes. I just can’t…I don’t even…like, why?! Why would you do this? It’s so incredibly shallow. And girls, I’ve seen more of you do this than guys, and so all of you, listen up: Those who care about those things will most likely already be able to pick up on the fact that what you’re wearing is designer. Trust me: I can spot a Michael Kors bag and a Zac Posen dress from a mile away, not to mention a men’s tailored Ralph Lauren suit (I used to wake up at 5 in the morning on Saturdays all through middle school just to watch Style with Elsa Klensch. *points to self* This girl came to play). And those who can’t? DON’T CARE. You know who will get more attracted to you when you talk about money? People who are only attracted to people who have money.

Anyway. You ready for the profile? Cause it’s good. It’s real, real good. So light that fire in your electric fireplace, lean back in your easy chair with a glass of wine, and prepare to be taken away to another world…

His profile is in bold, with my comments in regular type.

My self-summary
Rumor has it that my kiss gives a girl disney spells.
Absolutely no one in the universe is saying that about this guy.

I’m part Jewish intellectual and part Scottish hooligan.
Ugh. People who even attempt to describe themselves as a “hooligan” give me a headache.

I’m a former English professor. I taught at Fordham and Yeshiva (and I taught mostly Shakespeare and Wordsworth). (Amber’s note: Oh did you?!) I turned to stock trading in 2011. I moved to TriBeCa in 2010, but, like Matt & Ben, I was born and raised in Cambridge. Also, like them, (Amber’s Note: This guy did a lot of research on Matt and Ben. That alone should be a red flag.) I’m from an academic family (my dad worked at MIT and my older brother teaches at Harvard) and am a diehard fan of the Patriots and Celtics. I’m also a huge fan of professional tennis. I went to Sarah Lawrence undergrad and Brandeis for grad school.
How much fun was it to hear all about his schooling, huh, guys?! Whoa, what a BLAST that was! I can’t get enough of where this guy got all of his education! Hopefully someday I can go on a date with him and hear him talk about this for the rest of our lives!

I trade for myself, which means I’m my own boss, but it also means I work a lot (I do all my own research). In my free time, I work out a lot and shop for clothing. On Sunday, I watch football and on Saturday I browse at Saks and Barneys.
I have to say this: I live with probably one of the most straight metrosexual men you will ever meet in your life. And even HE doesn’t list “browse at Saks and Barneys” as one of his weekly pursuits. I think all girls everywhere can agree that we like men who dress well. But much like how we don’t mention that Sundays are “pedicure, manicure, and wax” days in our profiles (right, girls? We’re not doing that, are we?!), it’s simply the end point that matters. We don’t so much need to know how we all get there.

I love the country and enjoy mountain biking and trail running. I haven’t been skiing in years, but I want to get back into it. I suck at it now. Maybe you suck at it too. We can sip hot chocolate in the emergency room together and sign each other’s cast.
This is actually cute. And creative. If he would have stuck to more stuff like this…

Around town, I like to go to gallery openings, museum parties, and charity events at clubs. I know I’m supposed to say I don’t like clubs, but I do (Amber’s note: What?! Really? No idea that someone like YOU would like clubs, Mr. Designer-wearing-mirror-photo-shot-man). Until 2010, I lived in East Williamsburg on an adjunct professor’s salary. I haven’t been back since I left. I’d like to get back to London, Paris, Rome, and Barcelona. Love those places. Hawaii too. I’d like to see Brazil, Argentina, and Central America. My love of Russian literature has made me curious about St Petersburg and Moscow.
“My love of Russian literature…” This is the stuff my roommate used to say that would make me drop into eye-rolling/puking-sound-effect convulsions from pretentious overload. And now he knows that, and so now he has stopped doing it. This guy could maybe stop with it, too. Because you might really love Russian literature, and that’s awesome. I like it, too! Maybe we should start a book club about it. But the only reason why you bring something like that up here is so you can impress someone. And that’s when it gets to be pretentious, and that’s when I write to you and ask you pointed questions to see if you really know what you’re talking about.

When I’m in the city, I prefer to be in upscale, very stylish, architecturally beautiful places. To me, the city means design, style, and cosmopolitanism. In the country, I’m different. I love ponds, dirt roads, fireflies, woodsmoke, snow angels, a sky full of stars, and thunderstorms.
First part, total pukebomb. Second part? Honestly, if the guy just stuck to the country and outdoor bit, he’d be golden. It’s like he starts talking about stuff that is of not of the city and actually becomes a real person.

Maybe it’s a spell!
Maybe he’s under a spell like in Beauty & The Beast, and he can only be an asshole in the city and a real boy in the country!
Or, maybe he’s just a douche in both places, but has easier access to features in the country that don’t make him sound like an insufferable buffoon.

I work out six times a week. I lift. I try to run 35 miles a week. I spin.
Great. Tell me more.

My income in 2012 is only half what I listed. Next year, it should be what I listed. By 2016, I hope to be earning 4k a day. I’m very driven. My five to seven year plan is to work a lot, travel, get a loft in TriBeCa, have two amazing little kids, and get a weekend house on the water in Connecticut.

What I’m doing with my life
trading pharmaceutical stocks. Mainly, I trade companies that make meds for weight-loss and type II diabetes. It’s a big market. Like Tyler Durden, I profit from your lard.
Charming.

I’m really good at
lasting and going downtown.
Yeah.
Yeah, he really wrote that.
Yes. Yes he did.

The first things people usually notice about me
is that I smell like Green Irish Tweed.When I wear aviators, people think I’m Tom Cruise. Really. Tourists snap photos and kids stare. Last month, some tourist on Wooster street put a Polaroid camera in my face. Cashiers always say I look like him. I’d get wayfarers, but I want the aliens to pick me up.
Ugh. NO, THEY DON’T. NO ONE THINKS YOU ARE TOM CRUISE. I SAW YOUR PICTURES, AND NO ONE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH WOULD MISTAKE YOU FOR TOM CRUISE. Except for maybe when he was back in his bowl-hair-cut, couch-jumping, Kate-is-great phase. But they only do so when you’re wearing aviators, so it still doesn’t count.

That last line is cute, though.(See? I’m nice)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Food: The Odeon, Dylan Prime. Nobu, Wolfgang’s, Bouley, Waverly Inn, Marble Lane (Dream Downtown), The Standard Grill (hit or miss), Abe & Arthurs, Collichio and Sons, The Lion, Raoul’s, Blue Ribbon, Balthazar, Morini, TriBeCa Grill, Cafe Select (okay). These places are overrated: The Spotted Pig, The Harrison, Loconda Verde, Super Linda (really bad), The Dutch (great oysters, though).
Oh! THANK YOU for this sparkling and informative review of eateries! Except nobody asked for it, and you’re only supposed to list your favorites, so now you come off as even more of a pretentious douche than before.

And yeah. Despite all odds, I guess it really was possible.

My drinks are Speyside single malt scotch and red wine (New World Pinot Noir, 2005 Bordeaux, Cotes du Rhone, Cab, Sangiovese, and Barbera D’Alba. I’m not big on Merlot, Malbec, or Shiraz). I drink cold beer when it’s over 80 degrees out, but I’m more of a whiskey guy than a beer guy. 

Drinks: Jimmy, TriBeCa Grand, Macao Trading, Smith & Mills, Ph-D, 1OAK, Brinkley’s, Mister H. Mondrian Soho, Pravda (not anymore), Crosby bar (tame and quiet), 77 Warren (my local source for amazing hot wings), Weather Up (crappy scotch, but close by), Tiny is ok

Music: Paul van Dyk, Bowie, Led Zep, Leonard Cohen, Tiesto, Muse, Radiohead, The Stones, Coldplay, Roxy Music, Eno, Phoenix, Snow Patrol, New Order, Silversun Pickups, RHCP, Kings of Leon, Soundgarden, Cheap Trick, Green Day, Wilco, Deadmau5, Moby, NIN, The Killers, Jeff Buckley, The Cure, Pixies, The Cars, T Rex, Guns N Roses, VU, AC/DC, Arcade Fire, The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, Kanye West, Interpol, Eminem, Biggie Smalls, The Psychedelic Furs. Also, I’m a huge fan of Beethoven, esp. his cello sonatas and piano trios. Furthermore, I love symphonies 9, 7, and 3. I love Brahms, Chopin, and Bach too.
Okay. Let’s talk about the thing that guys do when they simultaneously list “Biggie Smalls” and “Beethoven” in the same “music I like” paragraph. It’s practically lifted from a “Things I Listen To That Make Me Sound Cool” Thought Catalog post…in fact, his entire list of musical preferences read like that, except for the part where he listed Soundgarden, because, I mean…c’mon. Nobody cool listens to Soundgarden.

Movies: Wedding Crashers, Before Sunset, Manhattan, Superbad, Die Hard (all), the Bourne series, The Departed, Casino Royale, Charade, The Shining, Solaris, North By Northwest, Blade Runner, Stripes, Strangers on a Train, Inception, The Dark Knight, Memento, Catch me if you Can, Oceans’ Eleven (new), Fight Club, Michael Clayton, Duplicity, The American, Cool Hand Luke, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Good Will Hunting, American Beauty, Hanna, Une Femme est Une Femme, Notting Hill, Bridget Jones’ Diary, The Silence of the Lambs, Never Let me Go, About a Boy, Persona Cries and Whispers, Exotica, The Sweet Hereafter, Sex Lies and Videotape, Tropic Thunder, Bad Teacher, Trainspotting, The Talented Mr Ripley, Hot Tub Time Machine, Up in the Air, Election, Terminator (1 and 2), Alien, Closer, Wings of Desire, Paris Texas, The Prestige, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, The Graduate, Snatch, Five Easy Pieces, Rosemary’s Baby, Wanted, Shakespeare in Love, Pulp Fiction, L’Avventura, Kill Bill, Fargo, Raising Arizona, Face Off, Zombieland, House of Flying Daggers, Hero, Groundhog Day, The Rock, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Deer Hunter, Taxi Driver, Gladiator, Wanted, Taken, The Next Three Days, Return to Oz, 21 Jump Street, Knocked Up, Two for the Road, I Love You Man, Mr and Mrs Smith, X-Men (1 and 2), Badlands, Days of Heaven, The Hoax, Minority Report, Collateral, Ferris Bueller’s…Fast Times…, Dazed and Confused, A Clockwork Orange, The Breakfast Club, Say Anything, Apocalypse Now, Gangs of New York, American Psycho, Away from Her, Juno, The Last Days of Disco. I don’t like Herzog, PT Anderson, or Baumbach.
PEOPLE OF AMERICA: We do not need your entire catalog of every movie you’ve ever watched that you’ve halfway liked in the entire history of your life. Seriously, the music/movies/books section is the easiest section in which to draw someone’s attention, and the easiest in which to lose it in. I have a Top 10 rule for my clients – for books, movies, and music, only list your Top 10. Any more than that and your reader’s eyes are going to gloss over.

And just to completely go off on a tangent: No putting, “I have eclectic tastes in ___.” SO DOES EVERYONE. I know of NO PEOPLE EVER who only listen to one type of music only or watch only one category of film and do not enjoy any classic genre of any kind and are not open to any cross-overs whatsoever. Wait, never mind, I do…and all those people have autism or Aspergers. Unless those people are you, there is no point in saying, “I have a very eclectic taste in music” because that’s like saying that you like to laugh, or enjoy going out on the town but also don’t mind staying in. It’s so common that it’s not worth saying. (Also see: “I’m super into music/film/reading.”)

Books: Shakespeare, Proust, Wilde, Fitzgerald, Delillo, Chabon, Palahniuk, James, Updike, Salinger, Barthelme, Shelley, Wordsworth, Poe, Joyce, Faulkner, Borges, Baudelaire, Nabokov, Dostoyevsky (but not Tolstoy), Cortazaar, Franzen, Pynchon, Dick, W. Gibson, Dickinson, Stevens, TS Eliot, Austen, George Eliot, Merrill, Ashbery. Also good: Wittgenstein, Nieztsche, Cavell, Searle, Benjamin, Adorno, Weber, Foucault. My favorite writer to quote is Oscar Wilde. My favorite writer to read is Fitzgerald. My favorite philosphical writer is Proust. My favorite book in high school was Joyce’s A Portrait of the Artist as a Young man. The book that made me want to go to grad school was Mann’s The Magic Mountain. The deepest book, imo, is The Brothers Karamazov or maybe George Eliot’s Middlemarch. I think most French theory is useless but fun. My favorite plays by Shakespeare are Macbeth, King Lear, Hamlet, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Richard II, Twelfth Night, The Winter’s Tale, Henry V, Antony and Cleopatra, and As You Like It.

TV: Breaking Bad, Lost, 24, Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, Mad Men (sort of), Game of Thrones, CSI-LV, The Office, Californication, Weeds, Seinfeld, Skins (UK), Friends, Twin Peaks, Dawson’s Creek, Buffy, The OC, True Blood. I can’t get into Homeland. I just started The Killing. It’s really well made. I don’t watch much comedy.
Not much comedy, huh? WHAT A SURPRISE.

The six things I could never do without
– single malt scotch

– espresso
– 70% dark chocolate
– steak
– French Bulldogs. I had two. I love them. I say stuff like “squeezy pig” and “squishy piggles”. It’s emasculating for both the dogs and me. Tape my mouth.
– my trust fund
See, sometimes, like with the Bulldog thing, he can actually be funny. And then he ruins all of it by ending it with stuff like “my trust fund.”

I spend a lot of time thinking about
David Bowie.I try to read the WSJ or NYT daily (at least the headlines).
See, this shit is interesting. I will give him props for this stuff. It’s unique, creative, and gives some insight into what his brain is like.

On a typical Friday night I am
dancing with myself.

If I made 5% over the week, I may hit the gym and then grab a late dinner at The Standard Grill or something. After that, have a drink somewhere with thin girls.If I didn’t make 5%, I hit the gym, come home and work, and then close the evening with some scotch and Showtime on demand.
And yet again, he mixes it up with something interesting and kind of clever and then ruins all the cred he just built up by saying stuff like “have a drink somewhere with thin girls.” This is a Tucker Max thing. And you can bet your own trust fund that this guy has read all his books.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I suffer from a phobia of butterflies. It’s ridiculous. I duck and run. But I’m not afraid of bats. They look like French Bulldogs.I’ll see anything with Hugh Grant.
Sometimes, I cry when I see Shakespeare. That’s private, because it sounds so pretentious. When Macduff learns of his family’s demise or when Viola rediscovers Sebastian, I tear up a little.
Again. More stuff like this is what could have saved his profile. And he admits that crying to Shakespeare is pretentious, but not any of the other billion pretentious things we’ve already read? Alright.

You should message me if
you like to shop and you like my taste in dresses. Also maybe you like to hit a club on occasion, eat good food, go mountain biking and skiing, travel, and watch good cable TV. Maybe you want to see the entire Grand Slam in person someday and kick around Paris, London, and Melbourne. This idea is still in its infancy.You love kids and dogs.

Beautiful, thin, super fit, sexy, passionate, sensual, seductive, smart, clever, winsome, giddy, playful, considerate, durable.

I’m always happy to meet people who love Shakespeare and Wilde.

Annnnd scene!

We’ve learned a lot today, gentle readers. I don’t think I can even summarize all that we’ve learned…all I know is that we have learned, and the bulk of what we have learned has been massive and large and sometimes hard.

You saw what I did there, right?

Okay, good.

It was about penis, you guys! I was talking about penis, and being well endowed. Because his username was “WellEndowed”! Do you get it now? It was a reference to how big his penis is supposed to be!

Anyway. Go now…go and make your preparations for your own profile. Go and correct your mistakes, go and take down those pictures of your own mirror-self-portraits, go and erase every “I’m super into food”-esque statement you have made… Go now, and be betterDo better.

And here is the new and revised profile by our precious Ivy League, designer-loving Tom Cruise Doppleganger. This was sent to me by a gorgeous reader, Amanda, who sent it to me after this guy actually messaged her.

Again, his profile is in bold, while my comments are in normal type:

My self-summary
Rumor has it that my kiss gives a girl disney spells and that my touch cures sleeplessness. (I don’t know if it’s necessarily a *good* thing if your touch puts a girl to sleep…) My dad’s mom was a Scottish highlander who lived to 103 (I said, “Granny, 103 is a fever; not an age”). She taught me Bridge. That makes me part highlander, part Jewish intellectual, and part good bridge partner.
Okay. This is better.

In 2010, I moved from Brooklyn to TriBeCa. I didn’t like Brooklyn, but I love TriBeCa. I love teak and marble. I love having Ivy League neighbors again. That part reminds me of Boston.

I was raised in a liberal academic family in Cambridge (my dad attended Yale and Columbia and worked at MIT and my older brother teaches at Harvard). I’m the not-Ivy kid in my family. I attended Sarah Lawrence for college and then pursued a Ph.D. in English at Brandeis. Eventually, I taught English briefly (mostly Macbeth and A Midsummer Night’s Dream) at Fordham. In 2011, I switched to trading stocks at home so I’d have more to spend on Italian shoes. I take my style cues from Steve Mcqueen. Clothing is a big part of my life.
The Ivy League stuff is still a little overkill, but I’m liking the subtle of “clothing is a big part of my life.”

I’m a pro tennis junky: I watch Wimbledon and the US Open religiously. One of my dreams is to see the French Open and Wimbledon in person. Maybe the Australian too. I’m also a fan of the Patriots and Celtics. I watch football every Sunday.

I love being in nature, but I hate hiking. Why hike? I love trail-running and mountain-biking, and I’d like to get back into skiing, but it’s been twelve years. I suck now. Maybe you suck too. We can sip hot chocolate together in the emergency ward and sign each other’s cast.
This is still cute, and actually even cuter with the “Why hike?” thing.

For fun around town, I attend museum parties (MoMA, Guggenheim), hit a club now and then, browse Barneys and Bergdorf, and walk along the Battery Park esplanade at sunset stalking French Bulldogs. I’ll see any DJ anywhere who sounds like Paul van Dyk, Tiesto, or Deadmau5.
Better! SO MUCH BETTER.

I work out a lot. I run 7.5 miles every other day along the Hudson and lift for an hour four times a week. Sometimes, I spin. Also, I try to walk 23 miles a week.
This part is also better: It paints a picture of what his daily life is like instead of totally boring us with his fitness regime.

In 2012, my income was 150k. In 2014, it will be 250k. In 2017, it will be 500k. I get some trust income that augments my trading income. Manhattan is an expensive place to raise kids. I lived in Brooklyn for eight years. I will never ever do that again. Ever.
The income stuff is still totally unnecessary, but I like the way he augments his trust income declaration with the comment that Manhattan is an expensive place to raise kids.

Currently, I rent a nice studio in the same building as Ashley Greene.
Nobody cares, bro. Not even Twihards would be that psyched at this name-dropping.

My four year goal is to get a 3BR in TriBeCa. My ten year goal includes a second place in Greenwich/Darien or East Hampton. When I have kids, I’ll want them to have a place with trees, a yard, a tennis court, and a neighborhood for trick or treating.
See, this is clever: Instead of just talking about material possessions, he positions himself as a family man…that the reason why these things are important to him is because he’s planning for the future, and a family.

I’m not 5′ 11″. I’m 5′ 8″. But I’m 7 inches long (6.8) and 5.4 inches around. Women love my girth and stamina.
Dude, WTF.

First of all, women get pissed about guys lying about their height the same way men get pissed about women lying about their weight. Is it cool to judge someone on either of those metrics? No. Is it important to people that you practice truth in advertising? Yes. So be transparent.

But in thinking about transparency, know this: WE DO NOT NEED TO KNOW YOUR DICK SIZE, HOLMES. We’re trying to create romance, here, and this info is only necessary or WANTED if you’re trolling for hook-ups. Otherwise, if you’re only looking for long-term dating – as this guy’s profile deets state – keep this stuff under your belt (geddit) until you’re actually getting to the part of having an actual relationship with someone.

My dad is 5′ 11″ and so is my mom’s brother. I was born a month early and not breast-fed. Maybe I would have been my dad’s height. My point is just that my kids may get my dad’s and uncle’s stature. Both my dad and uncle attended Yale (between them, they got into Yale, Harvard, and Columbia). So, my kids may get that intelligence as well. Also, my family has longevity and thinness.
Okay. He just ruined all of his, “Because I want a family” with some stuff that paints him as a eugenics creeper. And ladies, if this shiz is important enough for him to talk about it on his profile, it’s because it’s going to be important enough to him that you also fit into these groupings. So. If you’re asked to give him a detailed history of your historical and genetic lineage on the first date, don’t be surprised.

What I’m doing with my life
I trade pharmaceutical stocks. Mainly, I trade companies that make drugs for weight-loss and type II diabetes. It’s an expanding market. Like Tyler Durden, I profit from your lard.
The Tyler Durden thing is admittedly clever, but would be 100% more charming if he just said, “I profit from people’s lard.”

For spiritual nourishment, I read William James and Shelley (Beckett and Rilke too). When I retire, I might start to write about Shakespeare again. I have an abiding fascination with Wittgenstein.

I’m really good at
lasting, going downtown.
*Exasperated sigh*

Some very kind friends have said that, if I put my mind to it, I could write like Eugenides. But writing makes me nuts. So, I don’t do it.
THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IT, THEN?!

The first things people usually notice about me
I’m holding the elevator door for them, or that I have broad shoulders and smell like Green Irish Tweed, which I always put on before I go stand in the elevator.

When I wear aviators, German tourists think I’m Tom Cruise. They snap photos of me. Their kids stare. Actually, some American college kids in Union Sq. yelled “Hey, Tom Cruise” at me. Also, a Romanian woman on Wooster St. stuck her Polaroid camera in my face. I’d stop wearing aviators, but I want the aliens to pick me up.
Do you think that, at the end of every day, he goes home to his nice studio, pulls out a little black Moleskin, and records his daily entry of which nationalities thought he looked like Tom Cruise that day? “Dear Diary: Today, a very nice Jewish Greek boy who goes to Columbia wrote “Tom Cruise” on my Starbucks cup. I mean…I told him that was my name, but still, it was very nice of him to think that I looked so much like Tom Cruise that he didn’t argue with me, don’t you think?”

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
My drinks are highland single malt and red wine (new world Pinot Noir, Cab, Sangiovese, Cotes du Rhone, and Barbera D’Alba). I love steak, sushi, scallops, swordfish, sole, trout, oysters, and octopus.

Restaurants: The Odeon (not fancy, but I love it), Nobu, Bouley, Cercle Rouge, Wolfgang’s, Marble Lane, Abe & Arthur’s, The Standard Grill, Lush, Raoul’s, Blue Ribbon, Dylan Prime (RIP), Collichio and Sons, Osteria Morini, Waverly Inn (great rabbit), Mr. Chow, The Lion, Commerce, Union Sq Cafe, The Spotted Pig. I don’t like The Harrison, Landmarc, Marc Forgione, The Dutch, Red Cat, or Loconda Verde. Never been to Megu or Scaleni Fedeli (which I hear is really terrific).
If you’ve been to or live in or even just know people in New York, then you know that this is the Manhattan equivalent to name-dropping which actors were at the last party you went to in L.A.

TV: Breaking Bad, Mad Men, The Killing, Californication, The Walking Dead, 24, LOST, Skins (UK), Seinfeld, Game of Thrones, FNL, Veronica Mars, Arrested Development, Burn Notice, True Blood (a little), Twin Peaks. I’ve tried to get into Homeland, but I feel like Danes overacts. I love her acceptance speeches.

Movies: Blade Runner, Wedding Crashers, Solaris (USSR), Stripes, Two for the Road, 21 Jump Street, Spinal Tap, North by Northwest, The Departed, The Silence of the Lambs, Inception, Looper, Fanny and Alexander, Die Hard (1-4), The Bourne movies, Michael Clayton, Minority Report, Badlands, The Shining, About a Boy, Notting Hill, Dazed and Confused, Full Metal Jacket, Trainspotting, Layer Cake, Catch me if you Can, Lincoln, Hannah and her Sisters, Fear and Loathing (Depp + HST = great), Videodrome, American Psycho, Metropolitan, Hot Tub Time Machine, The Big Chill, Fight Club, Mr and Mrs Smith, American Beauty, Being John Malkovich, Reality Bites, Face/Off, Sense and Sensibility, Superbad, Con Air, The Rock, Air Force One, The Hunt for Red October, X-Men I and II, Knocked Up, The American, Ocean’s Eleven, The Fantastic Mr Fox, Up in the Air, The Breakfast Club, Paris Texas, Picnic at Hanging Rock, The Ice Storm, Groundhog Day, L’Avventura, Strangers on a Train, Taxi Driver, Marnie, Casino Royale, Airplane, Source Code, Mama, Heathers, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The Lincoln Lawyer, Clueless, Shakespeare in Love, Reality Bites, The Talented Mr Ripley, Alien, Celeste and Jesse Forever, Good Will Hunting, The Town, Fargo, Closer, Get the Gringo, Stoker, The Shining, Before Sunrise/Sunset, The Beaver, Naked, Raising Arizona, Take this Waltz, Pulp Fiction, True Romance, Training Day, Side Effects, End of Watch, The Last Three Days, Taken, Hanna, Mulholland Dr., Duplicity, House of Flying Daggers, Hero, The House of Yes, Never Let me Go
YA GOT ALLA THAT?

Music: Roxy Music, Bryan Ferry solo, Led Zeppelin, Leonard Cohen, David Bowie. Paul van Dyk, Tiesto, The Cars, Duran Duran, Tom Waits, Radiohead, Silversun Pickups, Deadmau5, Arcade Fire, The Cure, early Eno, Pixies, NIN, Moby, Muse, VU, the Stones, King of Leon, AC/DC, Phoenix, The Killers, Metric, Cheap Trick, Wolfmother, Kiss (non-ironically), Queen, Nirvana, The White Stripes, Green Day, A Perfect Circle, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Elvis, The Band, Van Halen, The Police, Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Brahms, Strauss, Wagner, Purcell, Monteverdi.

Writers: Shakespeare, Proust, Dostoyevsky, Fizgerald, Wilde, Salinger, DH Lawrence, Joyce, Ondaatje, Baudelaire, Shelley, Rilke, Nabokov, Stevens, TS Eliot, Milton, Wordsworth, Borges, DeLillo, Palahniuk, Henry James, Beckett, Updike, M Amis, William Gibson, P K Dick, William James, Foucault, Barthes, Weber, Empson, Cavell, Wittgenstein, Berlin, Searle. The book that made want to attend grad school is Mann’s The Magic Mountain. The wisest books I know are Women in Love and The Brothers Karamazov. My favorite book in college was The Crying of Lot 49. The books I’ve read twice are In Search of Lost Time, The Magic Mountain, Middlemarch, Heart of Darkness, Rabbit Run, Lolita, Pale Fire, The Picture of Dorian Gray, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, The Brothers Karamazov, The Corrections, Wonder Boys, Women in Love, The Woman in White (Collins), The Ambassadors, The Wings of the Dove, Tender is the Night, The Great Gatsby, Absalom Absalom. My favorite plays by Shakespeare are King Lear, Macbeth, Hamlet, Twelfth Night, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Measure for Measure, The Winter’s Tale, Richard II, Julius Caesar, and Antony and Cleopatra.

The six things I could never do without
– Wes Welker grit
– air conditioning
– sleep
– single malt
– my trust fund
– french bulldogs. I had two. I may get two more. I’m sort of obsessed with them. I accost them in the street and call them things like “squeezy pooch” and “squishy piggles.” It’s emasculating for both the dog and for me.

I love animals!
The good part in me is starting to kind of feel bad for this guy. Do you think it was because he wasn’t breast-fed? Is that maybe why he’s this way?

I spend a lot of time thinking about
I just started rereading Beckett’s novels (it’s been about twelve years). So, I’m thinking about Beckett-y stuff. I never liked Bukowski. Beckett gets at the same grimey, gritty stuff, but with much more eloquence and wit. Bukowski was just a mean, bitter drunk. Beckett was an Irish poet. When it comes to seeing the beauty in life’s ugliness, the Irish and the Russians are the best. Baudelaire was a brilliant poet, but he tried to aestheticize life’s warts. That’s very French. Baudelaire tried to transform life’s warts into beauty marks. Neither Beckett nor Dostoevsky does that. But the Russians always looked for redemption.
FUCK. I almost have to like this guy because he also thinks that Bukowski was just a mean, bitter drunk.

But then he goes “That’s very French” and you can just see this guy mansplaining EVERYTHING and so that momentary softness in me has been summarily cured.

On a typical Friday night I am
Dancing with myself.

Working.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I suffer from a phobia of butterflies. I duck and run. But I’m not afraid of bats. They look like French Bulldogs.
Pretty sure the only love this guy got as a child was from a French Bulldog.

I’ll see anything with Hugh Grant or Jason Statham. DiCaprio and Bruce Willis too (but that’s not secret).

Between 1988 and 1993, I did mushrooms about a dozen times.
Well now THAT’S actually interesting…

You should message me if
you’re very pretty and very slender and attended a school like Brandeis. You work out five or six days a week to stay in Jessica Biel shape.

When we’re living together in a couple of years, I’ll take care of everything so that you can work out every day and I’ll treat you to Herve Leger dresses (see album) to show off your hard work at the gym.

I mean, thanks for offering to take care of everything, but not if the price is having to work out every day and wear the dresses you like.

(Also, he does totally have an album of Herve Leger dresses included in his profile)

You like to have sex every day.
I fit into this category.

What I want is a Biel-esque woman in designer lingerie in my bed working on her translation of Les Fleurs du Mal or her Master’s thesis. Maybe she’s learning a part for an indie film in which she’s been cast.
I can’t. You guys, I can’t. I don’t have anymore inside of me for this.

Basically, I want the life Don Draper has with Megan Draper (without Don’s useless infidelity). I love Canadian women.
You know Megan is a character, right? Not actually a real person who’s really actually from Canada, yes?

You like the Jake Gyllenhaal/James Franco genre of guy.
Hmm. In looks? Or…in weirdness? How do you mean? Because Jake is super hot, but according to the Taylor Swift songs that I’m pretty sure are about Jake-y, he kind of sounds like a jerk. And I used to really love Franco, too, but man…it’s like the older that guy gets, the more unhinged he gets, too. So. I mean. Be more specific.

Aside from my comments within the profile, this profile illustrates an important point when it comes to online dating profiles:

Not enough people let their freak flags fly when writing their profile. There’s a lot of advice out there on how to go vanilla and therefore attract the most people, which is totally okay if you don’t know what you’re looking for and just want to cast a wide net and/or go on a bunch of dates with a ton of different people. But if you’re seriously looking for a serious relationship and you’re trying to do that through online dating, you gotta go all in. If you fucking love Yacht Rock and the thought of spending your life with someone who did not appreciate the miracle that is Michael McDonald’s falsetto makes you want to cry salty sea-tears, then you gotta put that shiz in your profile. If you’re a sworn minimalist and don’t own a car and your dream is to build yourself a sweet yurt and live off the grid for the rest of your hippie days, that is necessary information that a future date will want to know.

If you’re a trust-fund guy who cares a lot about his Ivy League education and is obsessed with designer duds and working out and is only attracted to super slender girls who will be totally happy being taken care of so they can go to the gym all day, then you know what? There’s a pot for every kettle. So you should make that information clear in your profile. However, much like most sexual positions, it’s so much the act that counts but the way in which you do it.

When writing your profile, ask yourself these things:

1) Am I trying to stuff everything I want someone to know about me into one online dating profile? Because there’s something to be said for a little mystery. Also, the whole point of going on a date is to get to know each other better, and you can’t do that if you’ve already told them every single thing about yourself.

2) Who am I writing this profile for? Ask yourself who you’re looking to attract with your words… Because, believe it or not, it’s not just about you when it comes to dating! What you choose to reveal about yourself is going to act as the siren call to the person you’re hoping to attract. Think of it as similar to SEO…think about who you want to attract, then sprinkle your profile with the words that are going to match up with that particular person’s search engine.

3) Am I giving too much intimate, possibly uncomfortable, most likely unnecessary information? We do not need to know where your parents went to school. We also don’t need to know every single detail of your workout regime. That can come later, like when we’re super bored with each other at dinner and digging for stuff to talk about. And please…trust and believe, for once and for all, that none of us who want to date you long-term want to read about your bodily measurements or special bedroom talents in an online dating profile that our Twitter friends and last roommate have also mostly likely stumbled upon and now know about you, too.

4) Am I being a pretentious, elitist, Tucker Maxist, mansplainy weirdo douche canoe? For help with this, ask a friend to read it for you and give feedback. Or pay me to do it.

I will end this post by saying this: If all that guy had done for an online dating profile was post that picture of himself in that white leather jacket with the stardust background?

I totally would have messaged him.

//

If you’re feeling nostalgic and/or are new to the Online Dating Diaries™ series, head on over to the Portfolio to dig into some of the archived posts. I’m also currently in the process of updating that space, so check back often for more of the Greatest Hits.

Do you have online dating horror or glory stories that you’d like to see on Online Dating Diaries? Share them by using the contact form below. Submissions are always welcome!






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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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