Online Dating Diaries™: The Only Guy In America Who’s Tired of Constantly Being Used For Sex

I’ma gonna make this simple: When you’ve read as many online dating profiles as I have, you start to noticing some patterns.

One of them is like those weird eye-trick art books that we all went crazy over in the 5th grade…you know, the ones that are full of optical illusions, where you have stare at it and let your eyes relax just the right amount before the image of a caveman riding a dinosaur jumps out at you? This online dating profile gaffe is not super obvious…in fact, you might even take it as a good thing at first. But the more you see it, the more it becomes a blaring siren of RUN AWAY OMFG RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAAAAAAAAAAN*.

It’s the “Here’s What I DON’T Want In a Match” theme in an online dating profile.

Sometime these are as innocuous as: “I don’t tend to get along well with girls who don’t like to do anything outdoors.”

And as HOLY WHOA as: “I don’t want someone who will abuse me!!!!!” (<– true story).

Here’s what you think you’re doing: You’re weeding out the fray. You’re being up front about exactly the kind of person you’re looking for!

Here’s what you’re really doing: Telling everyone you’re not over the last kid you dated. That you’re not even over the kid you dated when you were 15.

That you’re the type of person who holds onto things you don’t like about someone else + won’t let them go.

Who will hold onto things you don’t like against us + not let them go. 

A visual example for your learning pleasure:

Please don't be this person I used to date

I mean…how do I even start with this? First – and it’s a guy – he put this under the “I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About” section on OKC, which is just so messed up…you’re literally telling us that you spend a lot of time thinking about this woman whom you don’t want us to be. Then you’re all, “I met this amazing woman on here, who was obviously NOT into me, so then she shuffled me onto her friend…” Like…why?! Why tell us this? Why am I even asking you, since you’re obviously not the master of the filter, anyway?!

Also, I’m just going to nitpick a couple of things:

What’s your problem with her only working 20 hours a week?! This makes no sense to me. Is she gainfully employed? (Obviously, from the fact that she’s a therapist) Does she pay her bills? Educated, even? Yes to both these things? THEN SHUT UP.

You will seriously negate a relationship with someone for living in the St. Paul suburbs? That’s cool.

You’re complaining about being used for sex. To each his own, but…I saw your photos. Beggers can’t be choosers. Someone uses you for sex, you use them right back for the same sex and then be grateful that you’re having sex, ya ingrate.

Anyway, the point is:

Nobody is gonna want to date you if they’re pretty sure you’re just going to constantly compare them to the last person you dated. 

(Even if that comparison is good)

I cannot tell you how many guys (okay, two) I’ve dated whose ex-wives cheated on them and so all I heard about during the relationship was how great I was because I wasn’t like + didn’t do the things that she did. They think they’re giving you a compliment, but really it just makes you feel bad, because hello? I’m an entirely different individual who would like to be valued for who I am, not who I am in regards to the person you were with before. Nobody likes that. We want to feel like we are beautiful, rare, precious little butterflies that you are intent on treasuring because you know there’s no way you would ever, ever, EVER find anyone like us again (EVER!). Nobody likes feeling that they’re simply an upgrade on the cardboard cut-out you’re looking for in a match.

So don’t do that shit. If you’re still feeling sore about a Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Situation, then take some time to lick your wounds and unpack that baggage before you jump back into the dating world.

Or just learn to keep your mouth shut about it.

Either works!

The End.

* Maybe a *little* dramatic, but.

//

If you’re feeling nostalgic and/or are new to the Online Dating Diaries™ series, head on over to the Portfolio to dig into some of the archived posts. I’m currently in the process of updating that space, so check back often for more of the Greatest Hits.

Do you have online dating horror or glory stories that you’d like to see on Online Dating Diaries? Share them by using the contact form below. Submissions are always welcome!






Wanna make sure *your* profile isn’t blast-worthy? Check out Flinguistics, Inc, à la carte editing + copywriting services for online dating!

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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