Online Dating Diaries™: Seeks Non-Flirt Baby Factory, Offers Nothing In Return

I’ve actually been sitting on this for a looooong time…first, because I was taking a break from doing (and writing about) online dating, and second, (as you’ll hear in this episode of Pizza Rainbow!) with very few exceptions, I struggle with the moral implications of publishing someone’s online dating identity.

But this is one of those very rare exceptions when I don’t have any qualms on putting a guy on blast.

In fact, I’m practically doing a public service.

First, the message from Jaymazing814:
Your pics show you thin..the group one..others show u as a medium sized orcha..please clarify your exact weight in pounds..there is no need for deception here…

I usually know better than to feed the trolls. And I wasn’t in supermodel shape, but at this particular moment in time, I was actually feelin’ (and looking, if I do say so myself) pretty good when it came to my fitness, and in no way even remotely resembled a “medium sized orcha [sp]”.

And THAT’S what pissed me off.

After spending half my life being brutally aware of when I was overweight and when I wasn’t, having an El Grosso try to tell me that I was whale-sized when I wasn’t made me want to burn his house down to the ground…not just as a personal vendetta, but to vindicate and protect every single girl out there whom he has tried to make feel Less Than because *their* weight didn’t fit *his* specifications. This is the guy who writes offensive letters berating plus-sized newsachors about their weight. This is the guy who tells the new mom buying bran muffins to maybe “lay off the fiber.” This is the guy we all know and loathe, and I finally had a clear shot at releasing a poison arrow straight into his brain.

Hence, my reply.

Me:
Are you kidding me? THIS is how you open communication with a woman? Do me a favor…don’t ever ask a woman to “clarify” her exact weight in pounds to you again. First of all, it’s none of your business what a girl weighs. Second of all, asking that makes you look like a total and complete asshole. 

PS – It’s ORCA, not orcha. If you’re going to insult someone, at least do it right, moron. 

Him:
Very few men who are gainfully employed value combative spirit in a woman… I Appreciate ur spelling tip..I have a tip for u…less time studying..more time dieting. Just a suggestion 

Me:
Oh, I’m sorry! Was that combative, telling you that you’re an asshole because you called me a whale in your first message to me? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to defy your very deep, thoughtful, and moralistic expectations. I guess I’m just being a silly woman who foolishly expects people to be polite. But then again, us women should know better than to expect men to value ourselves for more than our bodies and what we look like, right? Especially when it comes to homely, unattractive men who are WAY too old for us, not to mention rude and sexist. Again, ALLLL apologies. 

Also, consider yourself blocked. Good luck in your search…something tells me you’re going to need it…

Also another tip – only 14 year olds still write messages using “U” and “Ur.” I expected better grammar from an elderly person like yourself.

Here’s his profile:

Super Gross OKCupid message

It’s gross how he continues to refer to the girl he’s looking for as his “potential friend” and “my new friend”, right? It’s also slightly worrying that he requires someone who is NOT the life of the party and a non-flirt…there’s some serious possessive undertones going on there. Then you add in “Our history does not include clubbing, drama, or restraining orders…” and it’s basically like you’re dating your authoritative, military general dad.

Besides the fact that he’s a total douche canoe, the bigger lesson is this: Everyone’s got preferences. Flying your freak flag in the hopes of attracting a fellow likewise freak is exactly what your profile is for. But there’s a difference between “I would really like to meet someone who’s into family and sustainable living” and “You will bear me a child and then sit meekly in the corner at parties while you keep your mouth shut.”

Also, that is TOTALLY a lazy eye he’s got going on there.

//

If you’re feeling nostalgic and/or are new to the Online Dating Diaries™ series, head on over to the Portfolio to dig into some of the archived posts. I’m also currently in the process of updating that space, so check back often for more of the Greatest Hits.

Do you have online dating horror or glory stories that you’d like to see on Online Dating Diaries? Share them by using the contact form below. Submissions are always welcome!






Wanna make sure *your* profile isn’t blast-worthy? Check out Flinguistics, Inc, à la carte editing + copywriting services for online dating!

And if you liked this post and/or want to continue the public service of shielding other women from this guy, use the sharing buttons below to blast this post over the interwebs.

God will love you for it.

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

1 comment on “Online Dating Diaries™: Seeks Non-Flirt Baby Factory, Offers Nothing In Return

  1. A reader commented via the contact form and it was so good I had to post it here…

    From Alice:
    “lol I am all grown up…”
    Just in case you were looking for a good oxymoron.

    ****
    HA!

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