Online Dating Diaries™: OMG IT’S BAAAAAAAACK

So, last night, after what might have been a lapse in both sanity and judgement – or possibly the incidence of a mini-stroke – I rejoined


I won’t go into why I’ve been reluctant to toss my fedora back into the arena of online dating, because it’s kind of boring + stuff for another post. The big thing that prompted me to re-join was finding out, earlier this weekend, that another ex-boyfriend is getting hitched soon, which pretty much means that literally every single boyfriend I’ve ever had is now happily engaged or married, while I’m still all, “Hey, sure would be nice to get kissed at least once this year!”


(And for the record, I’m still better than all of those boyfriends, so the struggle is real)

Anyway, it’s kind of a midlife crisis thing, which you don’t really need to worry about until I start taking it out on you during Happy Hours and late-night texts.

BUT, as always, one of the joys of being a part of the online dating world again is being able to share it with all of you. So I’m also starting up the Online Dating Diaries™ series again, where I basically skewer other people’s profiles as a learning device for online dating instruction and edification.

Just kidding! I skewer them for (your) voyeuristic pleasure and smug self-satisfaction.

giphy copy

Consider this a preliminary mini-edition, tho – I mean, I’ve been on the site for less than 24 hours, so I haven’t exactly spent a lot of time (yet) trolling all the new profiles for the best of the best.

And yet…I still managed to come up with all of this…

Hall of Shame

(I’m gonna come up with better tag lines for these sections, but for today, just go with it)


Okay, first of all, let me just get this out of the way: “hi”, “hello”, “Hi how are you” are not good messages. In fact, unless you are unbearably hot, I usually just delete those messages straight away. Why? Short answer: Because the guys who sent them literally put no thought into them, which means that I shouldn’t have to put any thought into replying back to them. And, there’s almost nowhere to go from those messages besides more, “I’m good. How are you?” “I’m good.” “That’s good” awkward, stilted conversation.

Long answer: Messages like this put the burden of the conversation on the recipient. Which is lazy and a buncha bullshit. It’s like my thing with Winks of old…you’re doing the barest minimum possible to get someone to interact with you, which is always a douche move. It’s basically the “So, wanna hang out sometime?” version of online messaging.



“Your cute and your young? I liked your bio and you caught my attention. Hope sending you a line offends you? No offense intended.”
What the fuck does this even mean?


“I know there are many things in our lives that keeps us motivated but what’s that one thing that makes you keep going everyday when you wake up ?”
Why would I tell you this? I don’t even know you! This question feels weirdly invasive, like when total strangers demand to know what your most embarrassing moment was. (Ironically this was sent by a guy whose screenname was “Deepaka”)


“I am here because I am looking for someone to hopefully build a relationship with. No games, drama or bs. I really hope to chat and see if we would be a good fit.”

Hey, you know where a good place for putting this information is? On your profile. You know, the thing that was specifically created for you to outline what it is that you’re looking for in a relationship? Yeah, that.

Not only is this a form letter (editor’s note: This is literally all he wrote in his message), which I hate (see my diatribe on “hi how are you” messages to understand why), but it’s also a message for you, not for me. I don’t care what you’re looking for. You messaged me. You’re supposed to tell me how you fit into what I’m looking for, not the other way around.

Also, it’s a little-known but highly-proven fact that guys (and girls) who go out of their way to outline that they don’t want “games, drama, or bs” are the kind of people who will only bring games, drama, and bs to your relationship.


Both of these are samsies:
1) “Hey, so I probably shouldn’t ask you if you wanna go play some mini-golf! But, I should ask how your weekend was?”

2) So what do you primarily write/blog/talk about on your podcast(s).
Guys, if a girl lists that she doesn’t like something or doesn’t like to talk about something, it’s bad form to straight-up ignore what she said and make your first message all about the thing she doesn’t like. I went back and forth on whether to include this because it does, admittedly, feel a little nit-picky, but I’m also here to help, so let me clarify: It doesn’t put her in a good mood. It doesn’t make her eager to write you back. You know what does? Talking about stuff she likes...or even better, agreeing with her on why the thing she hates is a thing that should be hated, because the one thing that bonds people more than liking the same thing is hating the same thing. So focus on that and leave the HAHAHAHA YOU SAID YOU HATE SOMETHING SO I’M GOING TO TEASE YOU ABOUT IT RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE I STILL LIVE IN 7TH GRADE sense of humor at home. It’s not sexy.



Hall of Fame


Cosmo Confession Time: This guy first caught my attention because he looks exactly like a young James Spader…which, if you’ve been following my Twitter updates at all this past week, you know that I’ve been on a major and slightly-worrying James-Spader-obsessive kick. And then I read his profile, and it even sounds like a young James Spader (particularly in the awesome 80’s flick Tuff Turf).

unrz9fnfaqabvoryaqkxWhich is either a really amazing coincidence or I’m in the Matrix, you guys, and it’s time for you to pull that spine-plug thingy and get me outta here.

But that aside, it’s rare to come across a profile that’s this laugh-out-loud clever. Even when it threatens to dip just a little bit into the waters of pretension, the sail snaps full with some more self-deprecation and saves itself. Also the “Most Private Thing I’m Willing To Admit” made me laugh out loud.

(Or “LOL”, if you will)

My self-summary
I eat breakfast every day. Eventually.

Whatever I picked for age on here? Lies. I’m totally 22. Twenty Two. Totally. (Editor’s note: He lists his age as 35)

When I look through my messages I notice the vast majority of people with whom I’ve conversed on here have killed their accounts. Evidently I am disproportionately (initially) attractive to the short-term OKCupider type. I wonder what that means…

What I’m doing with my life
Overwhelmingly thrilling things. You would not believe the rapture and excitement that characterize my workaday existence. I’m not a cruel person, and I couldn’t live with myself given the trauma your psyche would surely sustain were it brought abruptly face-to-face with the poverty and inadequacy of its own circumstances by my merely outlining the fabulous shit in which I am, at this very moment, wading knee deep. Those weird 19th century hysterical fits might happen, and I care too much to let them.

Typing bullshit like this.

I’m really good at
sorting stuff, when the mood strikes me. I’m fucking ace at that.

Navigating the vagaries of the US Postal Service.

EDIT: I think I’ve got FedEx sussed as well.

The first things people usually notice about me
Evidently there’s some salient (set of) thing(s) that causes people I meet to unhesitatingly inform me that they have “seen me around”/”known who I am” for months/years/etc. What exactly it is I’m not sure. I find this a nearly boundless source of curiosity and frustration.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Once I read “hard” theory/politically-inclined philosophy for funsies — the kinda shit that Impresses people. Now I waste time on saber-inclined baseball blogs. *hangs head*

I did read the Song of Ice and Fire thingee. You probably did, too, but we can still more probably agree it ain’t the sexiest thing to talk about.

I dig films noir. A lot.

Back To School is the greatest film ever made, but surely you already knew that.

David Lynch yakkedyschmackedy. Werner Herzog blahlbahblah.

While I own an obscenely huge TV, I haven’t had cable in a decade, so I don’t watch TV as such. Still, I sometimes stream/download the things people stream/download. I have a subscription to because I’m a baseball nerd.

Twin Peaks was the best, The End.

I wish I could eat really good, really expensive food every nom nom nom night. Too bad I spend all my money on board games, and good thing burritos from the Kmart Taco Taxi truck are cheap.

I have, by normal standards, many many many records and compact disc audio recordings, but not so many many many as some rare birds. My record shopping leads to stress because I mostly can’t keep up with actually listening to the things I buy. I’ve never even scratched the surface of 500 gigs of downloaded crap I soulseek-gorged once. This has EVERYTHING to do with sane people not feeling compelled to listen to everything 15 fucking times before they allow themselves to move on to the next new thing and me wishing I was like them. Sort of.

I like and accumulate: the punk rock, the rock and roll, the soul, real rockabilly, hillbilly and honky tonk, the usual singer-songwriter dudes with goofy voices, some metal… but only the good bits, as unerringly defined by me.

Over and above genre: ANYTHING SOARING.

The six things I could never do without
“Never”? Really? ZOMG I don’t have my ____ I’m’a kill myself!

Now that some time has passed since first answering this question, it WOULD be pretty difficult to go on in the absence of Danzig memes (kitty litter ones excepted).

I spend a lot of time thinking about
useless esoterica. Stuff like: nerdy board games; baseball; musics; Israel sucking the bag; “our” government sucking the bag; pretty much everybody in power everywhere and every hegemonic structure and system of power sucking the bag…

Also: pro wrestling.

On a typical Friday night I am
trying to get you to stuff more in your face, preferably with something expensive to wash it down.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I already said “pro wrestling”, right?

You should message me if
you enjoy disappointment, especially after a promising set-up. Or if you like drinking whiskey and judging dummies. Or if you’re an academic who knows lots more than me about something cool, has/might have a well-contoured brain that shames my sadly atrophied noodle and is prepared to watch me get all dazzled stupid.

Don’t worry, it’s totally fine if you occupy the intersection of the Venn Diagram that results from the above. I’m easy like that.

(Ladies, if you’re local and you feel like this guy could be the one for you, go ahead and contact me and I’ll give you his screenname so you can look him up and send him a message)

See you hot pieces again next week!



If you’re feeling nostalgic and/or are new to the Online Dating Diaries™ series, head on over to the Portfolio to dig into some of the archived posts. I’m also currently in the process of updating that space, so check back often for more of the Greatest Hits! 

Do you have online dating horror or glory stories that you’d like to see on Online Dating Diaries? Share them by using the contact form below. Submissions are always welcome!


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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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