Online Dating Diaries™: Dead Moms, LOLs, + The Mirror Selfie That Broke Twitter (probably)

Since you’re all probably still trying to finish the novella that was last week’s Online Dating Diaries (sorry, darlings…couldn’t be helped), I thought I’d make this week’s column short and sweet:

Horror Stories

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*Backs away slowly, quietly slips out the door*

I’m just going to humor everyone reading this who doesn’t know why this one is obvious: The point of your profile is to draw someone in. It is not to create instant intimacy or vulnerability. By starting your profile off with a downer right away…it doesn’t make you real or honest or even deep. It makes you scary, and it make those reading it really uncomfortable. The first sentence is great. The second sentence paints this guy as a Stage Five Clinger.


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I don’t trust guys who are “off the market” but still have a profile up on an online dating site, and you shouldn’t, either. Either they’re still looking for an ego boost per how many girls check out their profile; they wrote that on their self-summary to show their girlfriends so they would shut up about it already (but are still totally messaging girls on the sly); or they’re like how I was sometimes and maybe weren’t available but still needed a profile up so they could use other people’s mistakes for their reader’s personal gain (but even then, you can set your profile to anonymous and take down your picture). The point is? If you’re not looking for someone to date, don’t waste our time by making it look like you’re looking for someone to date.


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You mentioned “there” and “they’re” but didn’t catch the “your” and you’re”?!

Also, I feel like a guy’s prospective IQ drops 20 points with every use of “lol”.

You know which guys put “I don[‘t] like girls who are bitchy so all you haters can hate lol” in their profiles? Cheaters and liars. Say what you want about Gone Girl but the author had it right – guys who only wanna date “cool girls” are guys who don’t wanna be called out on their shit.

And trust and believe, they’ve got a LOT of shit.


You should message me if you're not crazy


Guess what, crazy people don’t think they’re crazy, so it looks like you’re gonna get messages from alotta crazy girls!

And you deserve it.

Photo of the We[a]k: 

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Much like the Orca guy post from a few weeks ago, I posted this photo – sent to me along with the message “do you ever date younger?” – late one night on Twitter, not really thinking that I would get a ton of responses on it. The tweet BLEW UP. In fact, I’m still getting “Wait…whaaa? WHY” tweets on it.

And you should all know that I cropped out his face ’cause I’m nice.

But dudes…even aside from the mirror selfie – which I specifically state I am against any and all forms of in my “You Should Message Me If” section – set styling matters. That garbage bag. THAT HANDICAPPED TOILET CHAIR.

I’m even going to get into it on his body, ’cause again – I’m nice. But you really don’t need to be workin’ it wit’ those sweatpants hanging low.

You should be pulling them up.


Glory Story

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I chose this profile for this week’s Glory Story with one caveat: The Glory is that it does exactly what it sets out to do, which is entertain. The caveat is one that I had to learn for myself: Even if 90% of your profile is suffocating-from-laughing-so-hard hilarious, you have to give us some legit realness somewhere in there. The biggest fear most people have about dating funny people is the fear that jokes is all they have…that they’re incapable of taking anything seriously and cannot be honest or real – and thus, won’t allow anyone else to be honest or real – even when the situation calls for it. So if sense of humor is your favorite trait, be hilarious, but also try to give some real answers every once in a while so the people you’re trying to date have something to grow on.

Next week we will be featuring reader-contributed dating stories!

Get ready, cause it’s gonna be GREAT. 


If you’re feeling nostalgic and/or are new to the Online Dating Diaries™ series, head on over to the Portfolio to dig into some of the archived posts. I’m currently in the process of updating that space, so check back often for more of the Greatest Hits.

Do you have online dating horror or glory stories that you’d like to see on Online Dating Diaries? Share them by using the contact form below. Submissions are always welcome!

Wanna make sure *your* profile isn’t blast-worthy? Check out Flinguistics, Inc, à la carte editing + copywriting services for online dating!

And if you liked this post and would like a new way to whine to your married friends on what you have to still deal with, use the sharing buttons below to blast this post over the interwebs.

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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