A long time ago, this used to be a thing:
…Dear reader, how do I explain this without trying to sound like the girl who gets super drunk and does really stupid stuff but then tries to make it sound like she “hardly ever does that” and “it’s so funny because that never happens”…
Here’s how: There are only a couple of things that I almost never do, and I can say this in full confidence on here because I know that friends will back me up on this –
2. Call ex-boyfriends.
However, when the two are combined, that is when you are going to watch me raise my phone up in triumphant glee, dial a bunch of numbers quick, and then to leave the “most hilarious” voicemails on someone’s phone.
The good news is that most of the time, I decide that now is the time for you to learn how much I love music and what a great singer I can be. For instance, one of the low-downs I got about a call I made on Friday night was that I called someone, said a bunch of non-sequential stuff, and then started singing “Walkin’ After Midnight” by Patsy Cline. Current and past performances have also apparently included, “Even The Nights Are Better” by Air Supply, “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” by Air Supply, “Telephone Line” by Electric Light Orchestra, “Torn Between Two Lovers” by Mary MacGregor, “Careless Whisper” by Wham, and my personal favorite, “Hello” by Lionel Richie.
BUT, I do know for a FACT that there were also friends watching me do this each and every time. Unlike what Michael W. Smith says, those friends are not going to be Friends Forever if they continue to allow me to engage in such behavior. Friends don’t let friends make drunken phone calls to people they swore they would never call again, REMEMBER?! (Even when it is kind of brilliant to change the words of “Even The Nights Are Better” to “even the nights are better, now that we’re not together…even the days are brighter, now that I’m not beside ya…even the nights are better, since I left youuuuu…” I AM A LYRICAL GENIUS)
But still. I don’t let you go home with the guy who wears a mock turtleneck and tells you that his dead wife’s ring is still in his pocket, now do I? On the same token, you should not allow me to express my unresolved feelings about a person through easy-listening and classic country tunes.
And to everyone who received said messages, you’re welcome. If I could come up with that stuff when I was inebriated, imagine what I could do if I were sober.
Why I’m bringing this up:
The past few weeks have found me working furiously hard on An Amber Colored Life (Book).
But you know what makes working furiously hard really fun?
When you’re legit laughing the entire time. I seriously had forgotten just how ridic my posts used to be, plus how hilarious the resulting comments were (and yes, your blog comments are totally going to be in the book).
I cannot WAIT for you guys to get your hands on this book…which is why I’m basically giving my entire life over to it from now until it’s done (in a couple weeks, if not sooner?!)
So to give you a lil’ taste of what you can look forward to, I’ve decided to do a lil’ thing to reward the real cool cats who support this book project by pre-ordering it*:
When you pre-order a signed paperback copy of An Amber Colored Life, I’ll call and leave a lil’ voice message of me singing an easy listening classic that I’ve personalized just for you.
When you pre-order a signed hardcover copy of An Amber Colored Life, I’ll make you a video of me both singing AND DANCING along to an easy listening classic.
(And yes, you can totally request which easy-listening classic you wanna hear)
Basically your support = my public humiliation.
Which, I mean…it’s pretty much what everyone wants, right?! For me to embarrass myself for their own amusement?
Yeah. Thought so.