It’s been a minute.

What’s up, babes! I haven’t posted on here since June.

You maybe even thought I died.

Spoiler: I didn’t! I’m still living.

See! Proof that I'm still alive.

See! Proof that I’m still alive. Alive with some new silver unicorn hair, but still. 

But to bring you up to speed: Life got really busy this summer/early fall. My best friend Katy had her baby:

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It is so surreal to watch the girl you used to go to middle school dances with birth and raise a (super cute, cuddly, and totally adores) baby…I know it’s a reality that all of us grow up and become adults and some of us get married and have kids, but it still feels like we’re supposed to be picking out our outfits for the next dance at the Y and telling our moms that of COURSE Kimmy’s mom is going to be home and we’ll be totally supervised and not drinking any Zima’s that Katy’s older sister bought for us and we are definitely NOT getting into a hot tub later with a bunch of boys who may or may not try to feel us up.

(That last part was true, at least…the boys only wanted to feel up Kimmy, which always made for a super fun hot tub experience for me and Katy)

In May I started working at Target Corporate as an assistant art director for experiential media, which was perfect timing because I got so bored with JoJo’s Bachelorette season that I couldn’t even bring myself to hate-watch it on a regular basis, much less recap it. I did, however, learn a very valuable lesson: Whenever I’m out of control excited about an upcoming season of The Bachelor, chances are that it’s gonna be super boring or stupid or otherwise awful (please see: Juan Pablo, Ben, and JoJo). And if I’m meh about it – like with Andi or Kaitlyn – then it usually turns out to be all-star entertainment all the way through.

But to recap real quick: 

I couldn’t stand 95% of the men on JoJo’s season (so BORING!)

The men that I did actually find entertaining I also found totally abhorrent on a soul-crushing level (i.e., Chad)

Literally nothing that Jordan Rodgers says or does or even thinks is even remotely genuine or authentic

JoJo has horrible taste in men 

Every single after-the-final rose interview with JoJo and Jordan was totally cringe-worthy and try-hard

And THEN, after JoJo’s season ended, I began writing for Target Corporate’s experiential media team, working on a slew of projects for the Fall National Week/Meeting. Writing for Target was super fun and amazing and totally exciting…when I left the behavior therapy field six years ago, I never thought I would ever want to be in a corporate structure again, but I LOOOVED it.

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I got to work with the coolest team and we got to create some really rad stuff…and the only downside is that it left me with little time to do anything else, even recap the hilariously campy and ultra-dramatic Bachelor series that I literally look forward to all year long, Bachelor In Paradise.

But to reap real quick: 

The editors and producers of BIP deserve an Emmy for the pure, straight comedy gold that comes out of that show (I laughed so hard I legit cried when Jared and Caila were having a serious convo and you could literally hear Ashley sobbing loudly in the background)

Those twins are really growing on me, especially when they admit on camera how dumb they are

It kind of pissed me off, though, when they left and thus made three guys go home because THEY didn’t want to be there anymore

Ashley needs some straight-up therapy. She also needs to lose her virginity because then I think she’ll stop listing “Hansen” as her favorite band

Just because she only has one arm does not automatically mean One-Armed Sarah is a good person. She’s also kind of annoying and KNOWS she’s super pretty but constantly plays the “I don’t know my worth!” card just so people will constantly reinforce the fact that she’s really pretty to her face. Also, if you’ve been on this show three times and you still can’t find love, it’s not your face or even your disability that’s holding you back. It’s your personality. 

I still hate Caila – nothing she did or said on BIP changed that for me 

Josh and Amanda totally deserve each other

Lacy is going to light Grant’s house on fire at some point in her life 

Even though my heart has returned to its natural state of being a dark and cold pit of infinite bitterness and resentment, I had tears (albeit tiny and reluctant ones) in my eyes when Nick and Jen broke up because I love Jen and I’m starting to really dig Nick and even though I think it’s best that they’re not together I just really wanted those two crazy kids to make a go of it, y’know? 

But, even though I was too busy doing actual work to commit to the fake work of recapping a reality show, I was with a creative team who also loved Bachelor In Paradise, and thus I put my professional copywriting skillz to proper use by renaming our pod to aptly reflect our interests:

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Chelsea, Mayhem, and I also moved at the end of July…Chels and her ex Matt sold their old house and Chels moved to a new one about 6 blocks down the street. The photos below should clarify why I’ve christened my new digs The Evergreen Fantasy Suite:

Yep - that's a working fireplace.

Yep – that’s a working fireplace and a Mr. Ed door.

AND, as we all predicted would happen, Chelsea’s cat Boo had her litter of kittens (she was a rebellious teenage who kept sneaking out at night and then got knocked up…these things just happen, okay? WE WERE GOING TO FIX HER BUT IT WAS ALREADY TOO LATE GET OFF OUR BACK IT WAS GOD’S PLAN) literally the day we moved, so the past couple months have been full of this adorableness:

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Can you find the fourth kitteh?

The Target Fall National Meeting took place on Sept. 15th, and it’s now camped solidly as a Top 10 highlight of my life…getting to see my work play out on the big screens at Target Center in front of thousands of people is something I’ll never get over (and getting to meet and joke around with Donald Faison and see Gwen Stefani and Garth Brooks perform wasn’t a total drag, either). I also made some friends, you guys – really talented, hilarious, super fun friends whom I’m still kind of in awe of for how much talent they have at putting on a major, full-scale production like FNM.

This is one of my best pals, Karah. She was the creative director of FNM, so when Garth sang "Friends In Low Places" I was like, HAHAHA, I think you mean I have friends in HIGH places LOL Garth LOL

This is one of my best pals, Karah. She was the creative director of FNM, so when Garth sang “Friends In Low Places” I was like, HAHAHA, I think you mean I have friends in HIGH places LOL Garth LOL

After the Meeting was over, I went up north for a week to hang out with my parents at the lake, which was totally wonderful and dreamy and exactly as relaxing as I wanted it to be.

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It got REALLY exciting, too, when I found out I was in the running for a writing job at Nike (back in Portland) that would have potentially started at the beginning of the next week. It was one of those moments where I realized that, while I’m starting to crave a little more stability + consistency in my life, I was also totally ready to throw my stuff in a couple suitcases again and hop a flight back to Portland. It didn’t work out – turns out they didn’t need another writer after all – but they liked my stuff and put me on the short-list for the future, so that was pretty pretty pretty cool.

So now I’m PA’ing for a 3-week Target Threshold Packaging photo shoot while I wait for more work from Target and explore other possible writing gigs. PA’ing is a super fun gig – you get to hang with super creative and fun people and work in some of the most beautiful houses in Minneapolis and St. Paul, and I do a three-week shoot about once every two years, which helps to keep it novel instead of a grind.

Also, there’s REALLY hot guys working on this shoot, too, so. That helps.

Oh yeah, and I broke up with the guy I was dating this spring/summer. He will now and forevermore be referred to as The Selfish Ginger, and you can probably count on hearing all about our relationship and subsequent break-up in thinly veiled references during my next Bachelor recap series. But to sum up: You know when you come to the realization that you’re still dating guys who might have matched who you were 10 years ago, but now you’re all, “Oh hey, this is the adult table but it looks like you’re not quite ready for it yet, sport!” *pats head*?

Yeah. It was like that.

Anyway, I’m sure the burning question on your mind right now is:

What do I think of Nick being the next Bachelor? 

I’m so glad you asked!

Nick really grew on me this season of BIP. I loathed him on both Andi’s and Kaitlyn’s season, but I feel like we got to see a more open, honest, funnier Nick this time around on BIP. He showed himself to be a solid dude-friend to some of the ladies (the advice he gave to Ashley I. was A+), and taking total ownership of the stuff he said about Josh was also a solid move (and he wasn’t wrong). So yeah. My one hope is that the Bachelor team actually does their job this season and finds women who are an actual fit for Nick. Like, take a few extra months and find some ladies who are worth watching, mmkay? Cause you guys failed at that for JoJo’s season. Ya FAILED. It was more of an accomplishment that you managed to find some of the most boring, annoying guys on the planet than some solid, watchable, marriage-material men (like, literally the only guy who stands out as being a quality bro was Christian). So if you were looking to fill the ranks with at least 3 dudes who have been proven to be huge cheater douchebags, good job! You did it. NOW GET OUT THERE AND MAKE THIS FRANCHISE PROUD AGAIN, OR TELL ME WHO YOU WORK FOR SO I CAN CONVINCE THEM TO FIRE YOU AND HIRE ME INSTEAD (or at least get an experienced view into how hard it actually is at which point you will earn both my loyalty and respect!).

Another update: Even though I’m a horrible photographer and don’t even care about getting better at it, I’ve started sort-of-kind-of blogging/posting a lot over at my Instagram. I don’t know if it’s going to replace blogging in this space or if I’m going to use it as a way to supplement this blog, but I’m currently digging it so you should go over there and join me if you’re so inclined.

Well, that’s all the news that’s fit to post at the moment. I’ve probably just told you more about my current and present life than I’ve told my own mother (which I’m sure I’ll hear about later). Anyway, get outta here – get back to your own lives! Stop trying to live vicariously through me! Get something of your own for once – I can’t always be everything to you all the time! It’s too much pressure, and I’ve got my own problems to deal with! So scram, ya scamps! Beat it!

(Kiss kiss, love you!)

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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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