{Prehistoric Amber} If I ever become a ghost, I already know where my haunting place is going to be. I just hope Topher Grace’s shower isn’t too mildewy.

So I just finished reading Redirt’s new post about ghosts. Every once in a while I’ve considered posting some stuff on here about that, but I don’t like being called crazy. However, since Redirt already took the plunge and started talking about it, and since it’s near Halloween, I thought I might share some of my own stuff.

My first experience with scary stuff was when I was around the age of four and lived in Bay City, WI. We lived across the cemetery, which was spooky enough. Then my parents let me watch Night of The Living Dead with them one night. Then Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video came out (and before you start laughing, that video is scary as fuck when you’re only 4 AND live across from a cemetery). Oh, and did I mention that my room was on the end of the house where our front door was and my parents and brothers’ room were waaaaay towards the back of the house? Yeah, guess who knew whose brains were going to be eaten first if there was a rising of the dead….

I’m not sure why, but most of the stuff that happened to me didn’t really start happening until about two or three years ago. While I don’t think that this is the reason, it was also around the time I started working for B.

Every so often, B would kind of hint at some stuff, but I always kind of thought she was joking. Oh no. She wasn’t. Here’s something you have to know about B and her whole family – they are dripping with stories. In fact, ghosts and other freaky occurrences are so commonplace that when they talk about it, they’re not, “Oh my god, you will never believe this!”…no, it’s more matter-of-fact, like “Today I went to the grocery store, picked up some milk, and when I came home there was the ghost of a little boy standing in the corner of the kitchen.”

And they have PICTURES. PICTURES. They have PICTURES! This is what solidified it for me…the pictures. Pictures taken with Polaroid cameras, pictures taken with digital cameras, pictures taken with broke-down cameras. There is one in particular that is my favorite: It was taken in their old house in Rice Lake, and in the corner, above their grand piano, is this white outline of a cowboy. It almost looks like someone drew a picture of him on the wood-paneled wall in white chalk – that’s how defined he is. He looks like the KFC guy – huge white cowboy hat, suit…you can even see the tips of his cowboy boots. He has hair down to his shoulders, a mustache and beard, and he has his arm around his lady-friend, which you can’t make out very well except for the bouffant hair-do and the womanly form. And he has this smile that seems to say “Why hello there! Take a picture of me and my lady-friend, will ya?”

That’s a fun story. Here’s some not so fun stories –

* B’s sister, W, gets the worst of it. Including the bed-shaking. Sometimes she’ll wake up in the middle of the night and it will feel like someone is pushing the mattress back and forth. Her husband always kind of blew her off when she would mention this…until the night when he woke up and felt it. “W, stop shaking the bed.”

“I’m. Not. Doing. It,” she replied.

Yeah. He doesn’t blow her off so much anymore.

*B’s mom lost her keys once. She had gone to the grocery store, purchased her groceries, and was ready to leave when she dug into her purse and realized her keys were missing. She did a full run-through of the grocery store and parking lot, and they were nowhere to be found. She even ripped out the lining of her purse to see if they had fallen through a tear in the lining. Nope. So she had to call her husband for a ride, and eventually had to have new keys made.

A month later, she walked into the kitchen one morning, and there, in the middle of the kitchen floor, laid her old keys.

*One time when B and R were trying to sell a house, they had taken some pictures of it to put in a real estate flyer. It was then that they realized that most of the pictures of the vacant house showed a little boy standing in an upstairs window.

*B’s husband, R, is kind of like W’s husband, where he kind of blows off most of the B’s experiences. However, after we had left him by himself for the weekend, we came back to B’s place and he just kind of looked at us and shook his head. The night before, he had been sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop, and saw this misty form walk up and down the split-level stairs that led from the kitchen to the basement. He said it just kept going up and down, up and down the stairs for about an hour.

I told you I would also tell you my own stories, so here goes –

It kind of all started at the place I used to live in at Rice Lake. It was an old cabin that had been winterized…small, on the lake, kind of rustic. And I never felt comfortable there. I don’t know how to explain it…but I always felt a sense of unease, like I always had to have the TV or the stereo constantly on, some noise going on in the background. It wasn’t until I moved out that I realized it was because I was always a little scared of what I would hear if I let total silence happen in that place.

The first night I lived here, I had slept in the living room on my blow-up mattress because I didn’t have my bed set up yet. There was something about the wall-to-wall windows…in the day, they looked really pretty, yet never really seemed to let that much light in. That night, though, I just got this really weird sense that someone was looking in at me. And then I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like someone was standing over me, watching me sleep, which totally freaked me out, because all of a sudden I got what I would call a “mental snapshot” of this really haggard looking guy…he was wearing construction boots, dark blue jeans, a red flannel, and he had really stringy black hair. His face was very tan, with a lot of lines and wrinkles, as if he had been in the sun for most of his life. It wasn’t a scary image, but it was so…foreign?…that I felt weird, like it hadn’t come from me or my own imagination.

And I started to get a lot of those weird mental snapshots in that house. The thing is, they were so unexpected: I would walk into my kitchen, look in the corner, and get a snapshot of this little old lady with white curly hair and a green and yellow flower-print shift dress standing in the corner. And she did not look happy about the fact that I was there.

At first I just kind of played it off and tried to forget about it. But one day I said something to B about it, and she was like “Oh, you get those, too?” She told me that she sometimes feels her eyes drawn to a spot in a room for no reason…kind of that thing where you keep looking behind you, and nothing’s there, but you still keep looking at it every five minutes or so. And when I was listening to her, I was like “That’s exactly how it is, only when I look in that spot, I get this full picture of a person I’ve never seen before…like I can’t see them with my eyes, but I can see them with my mind.” B’s experiences help me feel like I’m less crazy when I have my own. I’ll mention something to her, and completely expect her to be all “You’ve got to be kidding. You’re insane.” and she’ll just nod her head and go “Oh yeah…yep, that’s pretty common.”

So whatever, right? But then, I had two people stay over at this house at different times, and each person slept in the living room on my blow-up mattress. Later, at different times after I had moved out, both confessed that they had gotten freaked out when they slept over because they kept feeling like something had been standing over them, watching them while they slept. And I hadn’t even told them about my own stuff with this house.

Gradually, more and more stuff starting happening in this house. Stuff would get moved, like keys and picture frames. I would see these weird flashes of light outside my living room window – a mist of blue, green, and pink. I would hear someone knocking stuff around my kitchen, and hear my kitchen floor creak, like someone was walking around in there. I would hear loud knocks on my bedroom wall when I was reading in bed, and the knock would be in a location high up – like between the ceiling and door frame. Sometimes I would hear my name being called out.

The freakiest thing that happened though, happened in the place next to mine. The cabin was kind of like a duplex, connected to a cabin right next to it. Since these were cabins, they were pretty small and the walls were really thin, so you could hear everything. Late at night, I would be in my bed, reading, and I would hear someone walking around in the other cabin. Then I started to hear noises, like someone was moving stuff around, or banging on the walls, like someone was nailing something into the wall. Assuming that someone had moved in, I had actually started to get pissed that they were being so loud so late at night.

So later that week, when I spotted my landlord raking leaves in the yard, I went out and asked him who had moved into the place next to mine. He kind of looked at me with this blank expression on his face. “We haven’t gotten a renter for that place yet,” he replied. He kind of stared at me and was like “You hearin’ stuff?” And I kind of laughed and was like “Yeah.” He shook his head and just said, “Yeah, we’ve heard a lot of stories about these places.”

I learned to deal with all the stuff happening in that house, but I definitely wasn’t sad about moving when it was time to move to Spooner. In fact, the last morning I woke up in that house, I woke up and felt like someone had dipped me into a tub of old lady’s perfume – the smell of floral perfume (and it wasn’t any of my own, that was for sure) was so overpowering that I had to open my front door for a while to air out my house.

I moved into my place here, and I love it. I love it because it feels peaceful. I’m not afraid to have it be completely quiet here, and I never realized just how uncomfortable I constantly was at my old place until I moved in here.

But the stuff hasn’t stopped happening. Like –

* One night I was hanging out, watching a movie, and one of my huge framed posters fell off the wall in my kitchen (my apartment is two stories and fairly open, like a loft). It was late, the “BANG” was loud, and I jumped about five feet. No windows were open, so it wasn’t blown off the wall, and the nail that had been holding it up was still perfectly straight and intact inside the wall. The weirdest thing is that the poster had landed perfectly – like someone had taken it down and had just set it standing up against my counter.

* For two nights in a row, I woke up to my bed shaking. It felt like I was sleeping in a vibrating bed. The weirdest thing when stuff like this happens is that my instinctual reaction isn’t fear; I just kind of roll my eyes and basically say, inside my head, “Yeah, I know you’re there, you have my attention, now knock it off.” When I sense something, I find myself saying out loud, “I know you’re here, it’s fine if you want to hang out, but I don’t want to see you nor hear you talk to me.” If it’s something that breaks a boundary that I have, I almost instinctively get pissed, like “How dare you not respect my space. Shut the fuck up.” It’s only after I think about it the next day that I get a little freaked-out. So when the bed shaking happened, it had woken me up, and I kind of mumbled “Okay, I got it. My bed’s shaking. But I’m tired, so please stop it so I can go back to sleep.” It kept shaking for a few minutes after that, then suddenly just stopped. The next night it happened again, and I heard myself whine “I’m trying to sleeeeep! Stoooop iiiit!” And it stopped immediately.

Apparently even ghosts don’t like to listen to me whine.

After all this ghost this stuff started happening, I started to research it a bit. I found a really good website – Ghost Study – that had a lot of information and takes a fairly logical and scientific viewpoint towards this kind of stuff. That was big for me, because I think the imagination is a powerful thing, and when you sensationalize this kind of stuff, that’s when the waters get murky and you can’t be sure whether it’s coming from you or if it’s really something else.

The thing is, the ghost stuff just started happening to me a few years ago, but there’s other stuff that has happened to me my whole life. But I take the same attitude with all of it…I know it happens, it happens a lot, henceforth it’s no longer a big deal. There are a lot of things that have been validated by others, and while the validation is nice, you just know when this stuff happens…no one has to tell you that it happened, and no one can tell you that it didn’t happen. That, I think, has become the real trick for me and for a lot of other people I know when it comes to deciphering between what’s just your imagination and what isn’t.

And I don’t really talk about it a lot or with a lot of people because, frankly, I don’t really feel the need to prove to others that this stuff happens. It’s kind of like faith in God…unless someone has their own experience with it, little else can convince them if they don’t believe in it.

Another point of irritation with all of this stuff is also the same as with faith in God – I think sometimes that we, as humans, can be very small-minded and presumptuous to think that we know everything, that there is nothing out there that could be beyond our comprehension. I’m all for scientific methods of proving things, but at the same time, I hate the arrogance of the attitude that if we can’t explain it, then it can’t exist.

For instance, I can’t explain why all these guys keep falling into Paris Hilton’s vagina, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Written and published October 25, 2005


This post is featured in HOW I FEEL ABOUT STUFF: 10 YEARS OF AN AMBER COLORED LIFE, VOL. 2, available for purchase until Nov. 1st. Read more about it here, see who’s in it here, or order here





  1. I probably shouldn’t have read that entry while I’m at work late and alone. I’ve never really had any other-worldly experiences, so they make me feel nervous. I think I’d be less afraid if I had at least a little experience with it.

    A friend of mine in Japan used to see spirits all the time, from when he was little right through to the end of puberty. His father was exactly the same, and now he and his wife have a son they are waiting to see if he had also inherited this ability. Strangely his mother also sees spirits, but this only happened after she had a near-death experience as an adult.

  2. LOL that line about paris…priceless. (:

    burning sage (yes, sage, that stuff in your cupboard) sometimes works to clear the air. just make sure it’s plain sage and not white sage. (;

  3. People woudln’t keep falling in if it wasn’t so huge and yet cleverly hidden.

    Someone should put up a gigantic warning sign.

    Everyone I know has seen a spirit or had an experience, but me. I feel left out.

  4. Amber:

    I’m sorry to say it…but you ARE crazy. No no, really…insane is probably a better word for it.

    Men don’t fall into Hilton’s vagina…they are lurred in, like a sirens call, to their public deaths.

    But about this ghost stuff. Here’s what I have to say about that.

    I like ghost stories, I think most people do. I especially like ghost stories that are about local places, with local culture and most likely bogus history thrown in to boot. I REALLY like it when the story is about an unexpected place…like mexican restaurants.

    But what I really think about ghosts…is that people want to believe in them to to some degree…and even if they don’t…if things happen that cannot be explained by the observer, they generally blame in on a ghost.

    I feel bad for ghosts, if they do exist. They are the scapegoats for everybody’s fucking problems.

    Let’s look at it this way:

    If something happens that wierd…but not scary, you don’t normally think ‘ghost.’ But if something happens that is scary, you do tend to think ‘ghost.’ From that point on, if something happens in the place that’s weird, scary or not, you think ‘ghost.’

    Now, I have HUGE reasons to believe in ghosts. LOTS of stuff happens in my house. I have a 250 year old school house in my back yard. I have to force myself to even look at it when I go outside. But I know its just me.

    I have a train that goes by my house, I have wild animals that would freak out my dog, I have an old wooden house that expands and contracts as it wams and cools. I have an old electical system, I have animals that get into my attic, there are color contrasts that create the image of person on my stairs, and I have some sort of sleeping disorder that makes me feel like i’m being physically attacked by spirits.

    So i’d say that if someone had good reason to believe in ghosts, its me. And I do…sometimes, mainly out of fear…but most of the time, there is some logical explaination…even if I can’t figure it out right away.

    And as for blaming ghosts for things being misplaced…I’m using that at work from now on.

    So yeah. You sound crazy.

  5. I’ll just say I will post about this, the comment would be too long, LOL!

    You’re ok, kid. Not crazy.

  6. Redirt, Val says I’m not crazy, so HA. And I would trust her prognosis a lot more than yours. I’m just sayin’.

    Yeah, ombren, I have a huge stick of sage that I burn around the house any time I start to feel the old uneasiness. One of my friends once gave me a “cleansing ritual” to try, and while I don’t know if the ritual actually works or if it just feels like it works because you’re doing something productive, it does eerily feel…cleaner? less tense? after I do it.

    Dan, I agree…there should be a sign…like “Warning – Revolving Door Vagina!”

    See, Redirt, I would rather NOT believe in ghosts. They’re fucking annoying sometimes. I do agree that sometimes people want to believe in them so much that they will take some mundane happening and be all “oh, did you hear the floor creak, too? It was a ghost!”

    But on the other hand, I also think that some people will try to look for the most far-fetched “logical” explanation to explain away ghosts. Sometimes the easiest answer…is the right one.

    For instance, when you’re laying in bed at night, and on the wall right next your head you hear a “knock knock…knock knock knock..knockknock…knock knock knock knock knock…knockknockknock”…plus it’s midnight, ’tis not woodpecker season, and you sleep in a room that is so high up someone would have to scale the building to reach it…you kind of start to wonder.

  7. Chosha, the friend you know and his family kind of sounds like B and her family…you ever hear of “mediums” whose “abilities” run in the family? Yeah…it’s kind of like that. I could tell you stories for HOURS, but I will tell you this one, because it’s my favorite…it doesn’t really have to do with ghosts, but more with the freaky senses that they have…

    So B’s dad is a very down-to-the-earth, neat older man, right? Well, he has a knack for sensing when a woman is pregnant, AND whether or not they’ll have a boy or girl. He “called” all of his own children – three girls, two boys – and all of his grandchildren, including one that the doctors said was a girl, but he kept saying it was a boy, which it turned out to be. But this is the best story –

    He was visiting his son and his wife, and he hadn’t even been in the door five minutes when he looked at his daughter-in-law and said “Congratulations!” The daughter-in-law – C – was like, “What are you talking about?”

    “Well, you’re pregnant, right?”
    “Uh…no, not that I know of.”
    “Oh you are. And let me tell you something else…you’re going to have the first girl grandbaby in the family.”

    So C tells all the sisters-in-law about this story, and while she’s telling it, she’s kind of like “I kind of think he’s off on this one…because I’m NOT pregnant” (she had had her period the week before).

    Turns out, she WAS pregnant, and the period was one of those “phantom periods” that some women get when they get pregnant but were close to their cycle.

    And it was a girl.

  8. “Phantom Period”
    “Chicken of the Sea”
    “Fish in Chicken Pens”


  9. Hippo, since you are not a woman and therefore do not have periods, let me explain further –

    A “phantom period” refers to the kind of period a woman gets when she is, indeed, pregnant. The reason the slang term “phantom” was created for this phenomenon was because, unlike other periods which usually are signals that you are not, in fact, pregnant, this particular period brings no such tidings. Therefore, you still bleed, but the message that you are still without child is considered to be prank – you can see the blood, yet you are pregnant. Sort of like “Ha ha, sucker, fooled you.”

    And women who have experienced this are fond of reminding those of us who hope we are not pregnant and proclaim such status when we do get our periods that it could just be a “phantom period”. Apparently because misery loves company.

    The End.

  10. Amber:

    You were living in a cabin, in the woods, on a lake.

    Let’s name off the possibilities:

    1. bats
    2. nocternal rodents
    3. nocternal animals
    4. HVAC system
    5. somebody bent on annoying you in the middle of the night
    6. Something I haven’t thought of yet.

    Now, lets see why would would suspect a ghost:

    1. Ghosts can do lots of amazing things…but mainly, they like to steal your keys…or knock on walls.
    2. Someone died in that room and was reincarnated as a woodpecker.
    3. Someone died in that room who likes to hang pictures and is doomed to an eternity of trying to find all the studs in the walls.
    4. Ghosts can’t talk, but rather can only communicate through morse code.
    5. Ghosts are too lazy to actually appear out of thin air to scare your pants off, so they settle for knocking instead (that’s the ghost I’d be).

    Yeah. I’m having just as hard a time trying to figure out why a ghost would knock on your wall, as I am finding reasons for a knocking to be there in the first place.

    Case in point:

    While eating lunch today…and thinking about how if the problems I’m having in a particular room on campus were caused by a ghost…it would just make so much sense…while thinking this, a bottle of tobasco sauce flew off the shelf and landed on the floor. A man walked by and said “Did that bottle just fly off the shelf?” And I said “It would appear so.” And then the person mumbled about ghosts.

    He had neglected to see the girl at the other end of the table, banging on the cereal dispensor, because her frosted flakes weren’t coming out.

  11. Actually, Redirt, that particular knocking happened in the house I’m living in right now.

    And like I said, I’m not going to argue with you about it. A. You weren’t there, and B. I’m smarter than you.


  12. Amber:

    I’m not arguing with you. I said that I belive in ghosts (sometimes), I’m merely pointing out that:

    1) When there aren’t any conclusions to be drawn, ghosts aren’t a better conclusion than anything else


    2) I’m the smartest person in the world. So, I don’t think you can be smarter than me. But I think we’d have to have some sort of race or something…to determine that.

  13. First off, I’m fucking smarter than the both of you put together to the power of a googilian…k…K…Youngsters. And to stay on that math theme put both your ages together and your only, still, a bit older than me but either suffering menopausal blank spots or the beginnings of memory loss…

    Who’s the Man!!!
    Who’s the Doctor!!!
    Who’s the Hippo!!!

    What was I attempting to answer again?

    Dr H.O. Potamus – Recent Offender of Women due to insensitivity to Gender methods of Communication and Process

  14. I think we as a people admit that there are things beyond our comprehension. My favorite part of Freshmen Astronomy was that half of the lectures ended in “We Don’t Know”.

  15. Did you know the answers by the time you got to senior astronomy?

  16. Redirt, I think we need live case study on Amber and I’m electing you to “Make Contact.” I’ve reviewed SouthWests Schedule and on December first you can fly non-stop, Round-Trip to Minni for under $200. At this point you will have to buy a camo jacket, pick up some Chew, wear some High-Heeled Chippewa’s and rent an F250 and make you way as a local the several hour trip to Cable where you will meet Amber at the Chief at approximately 1pm. Do not Forget your Video Camera and Notebook. You are to interview and assess her for an expose. Dirts real Dirt on Amber. You only have a couple of hours until you have to return to the city for your flight back. You probably should pick up Dan as a guide to that part of the World.

    Godspeed young man…think of yourself as a National Geographic Journalist.

    Dr. H.O. Potamus – Researcher

  17. That’s already how I think of myself.

    Instead of a ford f250, can I ride a toyota tundra?

    And does it have to be the chief? Can’t it be the other place she gets drunk all the time?

  18. First, right about now Amber is shaking off the night.

    Second, Amber has said again and again that the “Chief” is her home base. She gets drunk at lots of locales but probably not with the same frequency that she does in this particuliar Hunting, Gathering and Mating environment.

    Its the Chief Redirt, she will be most relaxed in that environment and your research will not have confounding variables.

    Do as I say Redirt and I may let you live yet.

    Dr. H.O. Potamus – Redirts Mentor

  19. Well, I can definitely be your guide… I have a buddy who has a cabin near Spooner, so I’ve been up that way a time or two…

    But Wisconsin is kind of like Sid and Marty Kroft’s Land of the Lost. Old ladies play slot machines in the back of gas stations. It’s a dangerous and eerie trip.

    But I’ll do it. For science.

  20. I also received my new Maxim yesterday. It came with a CD-Rom of girls partying in Minneapolis. I am currently combing it for the possibility of Amber and her friends being captured on it…

    It would be like sighting Bigfoot.

    I will share my results with the community as soon as my analysis of the video is complete.

  21. MY GOD MAN! You ARE a scientist!

    God bless you. Please keep us informed as to how the research is coming…

    as for being a guide… yeah… should I bring extra ammo, or should I bring an extra set of clothes?

    decisions decisions. How’s the river this time of year? Is fording out?

  22. See, Drew, and that’s what I tend to respect that most…if it hasn’t been proved – but also hasn’t been disproved – there is much intelligence in simply stating that we “don’t know”…yet.

  23. You fuckers.

    Dan, Wisconsin is a GREAT state. It just depends on where you go. Where I live and inhabit is fucking awesome. Mostly because I’m here, but whatev.

    And what is the other place that I get drunk at all the time? I’m confused. I only get drunk at The Chief. Also, what is your hesitation concerning The Chief, Redirt? Are you afraid that you will be overcome by the romantized intoxicating awesomeness that is The Chief?

    Hippo, I may possess a vibrator, but I have found it to be…how should I say…unsatisfying? So I don’t use it. And you don’t bleach a vibrator, anyway…that would cause…um…a certain reaction that would be both painful and disgusting.

    Dan, I’m not on the Maxim DVD. I was informed of where and when the party was when they filmed it, but I was unable to attend.

    Redirt, extra set of clothes.

  24. Redirt, your subject has invited you. You have been dared. Truth or Dare time. You don’t have a life…do it…GO…tell Jack and I all about it over a winter Solstice bonfire.


    Dr. H.O. Potamus-Dirts Coach

  25. Finally Dirt, don’t let the Midwest define you as a failure..

    Redirts Life coach

  26. Dan, the line about the old ladies doing the slot machine in the back rooms had me laughing out loud…eerie indeed.

    I believe, if I recollect correctly, John Dillinger had a shoot out up in that part of the woods. He ended up getting away.

  27. Al Capone also had a nice little estate in this area.

  28. Not only that-Dillinger and Al Capone-I believe a serially killer lived up there that they loosely based the Hitchcock film Psycho on….this is all to creepy…with Amber and all…research time.

    Dr H.O. Potamus – Historian

  29. Ed Gein..YES…

    Go see:


    Dr H.O. Potamus – Historian

  30. I haven’t heard that, but I do know that Wisconsin can also lay claim to Ed Gein, whom the psycho killer (the one who liked to make dresses out of women’s skin)in “The Silence of The Lambs” is loosely based on.

    And don’t forget Jeffrey Dahmer.

  31. Dammit – you’re too fast for me, Hippo.

  32. I’m not going to say anything about Amber’s last comment…. I want to so bad… but I won’t.

    And, Amber, I have the dubious distinction of having graduated high school near Duluth. I spent too much time in Superior to have any respect for Wisconsin.

    Sometime, I will upload my “taxidermy and cheese” sign taken on a drive through your lovely state. While your area may be made bearable simply by your presence, it doesn’t mean Wisconsin isn’t the Arkansas of the midwest.

    Oh, I’d bring ammo RE. As much ammo as you can carry. And a gun rack.

  33. Okay – Dan, if you’re basing WI on Superior, then yes, I do understand your poor opinion of this fine state.

    But where I live, it’s fucking beautiful. Esp. in the Hayward, Cable, and Bayfield region – huge forests of pine trees, tons of clear lakes, etc.

    And you saying that WI is the Arkansa of the midwest makes me sad. Let us not forget, DAN, that MN is only separate from WI by a RIVER. That’s IT. Otherwise, they are almost twins…and you know it.

  34. Minnesota would have floated into Canada except for the fact Wisconsin and Iowa suck so bad.

    Yes, I do understand that for all intents and purposes we’re the same state. Yes, that area is gorge-mous. Yes, we are only seperated by a river. And at least neither of us live in one of the Dakotas.

    I don’t hate Wisconsin. I jab it in the ribs like any friendly neighbor and amuse myself with its shortcomings.

  35. Redirt: Little d,I’ll go, but I’ve got to have you as my guide.

    Lil d: Alright.

    Redirt: Well you’ve got to be. I’ll order you an extra set of clothes and cap.

  36. Amber:

    I’ve never been to your beautiful state, nor Lil d’s…but I have to say…

    I’ve never had contact with either state in anyway except that Prarie Home Companion airs out of MN, and I like PHC.

    What does WI offer me that justifies its existance?

  37. Cheese. At least according to every billboard and sign within Wisconsin.

  38. My cheese comes from Cali, ireland, nh, vt, cape cod, ny, australia…

    not WI.

  39. Yes, Dan.

    Wisconsin has excellent cheese. You might not be able to taste the difference between our cheese and anyone else’s and I might not be able to either, but apparently there’s a whole slew of people out there that can.

    Redirt, I know what your game is, and I’m not playing it. The only thing that Wisconsin has to offer you is loose women and many varieties of beer. I’m not going to try to win you over with how amazing this state is, how entertaining and fun it came be even if you’re only looking for things and people to mock, how wonderous the varying scenic views of landscape is, or how everyone seems to look at hunting and ice-fishing season as a national holiday of drunkenness and debaunchery, out of some perverted sense of gratification that I could possibly gain from you liking my state.

  40. Amber, I like Wisconsin. I can’t speak for the cheese but the pussy was awesome, at least 20 years ago in Sheboygan and Milwaukee! It was of German Descent most of it. I cant tell you how many blonde blue eyed Heidi’s I intermingled with…until the said I stole a motorcycle, evaded responsibility, Left the scene of an accident and resisted arrest. The day after my hearing and a large PR bond Wisconsin and I parted company-We divorced. Let me say this. I never stole the Motorcycle, I had purchased it for 4 or 5 hundred bucks from some guy at a bar who gave me a handwritten Bill of Sale. I just never registered it and I was driving it with invalid plates. The bike was not stolen and the cops knew it, I just couldn’t prove it at the time and I didn’t want to stick around for a trial to prove it. It was what cops do when they cant’ catch you for like a half-hour…they get pissed and charge you with everything under the sun knowing that its easier and cheaper to just plea it down. The rest of the shit I probably did do. I wasn’t in great shape that night.

    Wisconsin Pussy gets a thumbs up from me. It does not smell like Limberger Cheese.

    Dr. H.O. Potamus – Motorcycle Racer

  41. Amber, I’ve decided to request a Blogmeet in Spooner. I have rules. I would like to see just Redirt go because then I don’t have to think up a reason why I’m going to Spooner to explain to my girlfriend. I think I shall, if the request is recieved and validated, tell her a variation of the truth but she can never, ever see my blog or Dirts or yours…More details to come later tonight as I plan this adventure. If Dirt decides to do the case work alone..I will happily bow out and wait for his report.

    Dr H.O. Potamus – Wisconsin Explorer

  42. Hippo, that was gross.

    I’m all for the blogmeet in Spooner. The less work and energy I have to expell, the better.

  43. Amber:

    I think you had my game figured wrong…I was just waiting for you to tell me WI has YOU to offer … and that you were WAITING, ever so patiently, for me to collect.


    I’ll go.

    But if we break contact for more than 72 hours, you’ve got to come claim, identify, and return my body to my dear old mom. She’ll be at the kitchen table…again.

    Come up with a good reason for why I died too…I don’t want WI spoiling my funeral.

  44. Redirt, that would have been too obvious.

    The majority of why people come to WI IS for me. I just thought that would have already been a given.

  45. Amber:

    Jack says it will ruin the blog.

  46. What do you mean? Jack says that the blogmeet will ruin the blog?

  47. Amber:

    I don’t know. I’m imagining it being a blast…

    the hippo tends to get us kicked out of pubs…can you arrange it so that he doesn’t get kicked out of the chief?

  48. Jack has a point and I’ll address that in my blog.

    Dr H.O. Potamus – Blogmeet Planner

    PS: I still think that just you and Jack should go but you won’t do it without me. I say we start catching up on Dan’s Blog cuz he’s a Blog meet player.

  49. Well, I can arrange it so that no one gets kicked out of The Chief, but if we’re going to The Chief, we’ll have to have the Blogmeet up in Cable, not Spooner (The Chief is about an hour north of Spooner).

  50. Oh, and Big D cant go cuz he’ll beat up Redirt. Valerie should make arrangements as should little Emma.

    Redirt, how can I get my girlfriend to go if I don’t want the blogs revealed? Can Amber be, like, a friend of your sisters that you met years ago….?

    Dr. H.O. Potamus

  51. Hippo, quit all this pussy-footing around. Just tell your girlfriend that you’re taking a boys weekend in Wisconsin. The fact that Redirt and Jack are going should more than enough supportive evidence that that’s just exactly what you’re doing.

    Big D can go if he wants – if him and Redirt happen to get in a fight, so be it.

    OMG, I can totally see Val whuppin’ it up at The Chief. That would be awesome!

    And who’s little Emma?

  52. Hold on here Amber, who’s plannin this thing…you just have to be the gracious host. You must stay sober and alert…SOBER and ALERT.

    I don’t want Redirt to get beat up and as far as Redirts comments about me “getting thrown out of a Pub” only once, with him and Jack, was I cut off. I will be on my best behaviour and quite frankly, my drinkin’ days are over. I just think the whole thing would be fun if it mainly…were short and sweet-Fly in, drive out, check in, go to Chief, go back to motel, possibly have a Breakfast goodbye, check-out, drive back, fly out.

    Dr. H.O. Potamus

    Who is little Emma anyway…did I mention her? And, I just don’t fly out to WI with the boys. My gf knows that at this time of year I’ll fly to the Keys and thats ’bout it…she wouldn’t buy it.


    I don’t want to get in any fights…but whose saying I’M gonna be the one to get beat up?

    I don’t think druids are known for their fighting prowess.

    Redirts are known for throwing people through walls, (picture on jacks webthing), swimming naked with two chicks at once in the middle of a university campus, dui accusations, etc.

    I’d like to think I could hold my own.

    Would anyone like to place bets? Who is going to promote it? What’s it gonna be called?

  54. Hippo:

    Work convention.

  55. Dirt, Work convention is not as absurd as it seems. I will do a search on conferences in that area over the next couple of months and if I find one that flys this spooner thing may be a long weekend deal after a Minneopolis, fuck spelling that word, conference or workshop.

    Dr. H.O. Potamus

  56. Oh, and Emma, thinkin’ starvin Emma, she’s just another fan of my comments:


    Dr. H.O. Potamus – Cable Selectman

  57. I wouldn’t beat up ReDirt! Instead I would give him one of my extra Paintball guns and we all could go play in the woods for a while chasing each other down and in the words of our former governor, “Hunting Man”. Of course that might be a little tough now since it is almost hunting season and people up there tend to run around with real guns. (insert comment about last years tragic hunting ordeal)

    And in Amber’s defense, Wisconsin is beautiful. Especially up where she is. Last time we where there we spent an afternoon on the St. Croix river in canoes. Very peaceful and very relaxing.

    If Re is truly thinking of coming to MN and WI then that would be an occasion. Lil d and I would meat you at the airport, show you the sights and such.


  58. LOL @ RE “I don’t think druids are known for their fighting prowess.”

    Too funny dude!


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About Amber L.

Hi! I'm Amber. I've been telling stories with books and blogs since 2004. I also spent 10 years working as a behavior therapist, which I now put to proper use by publishing thought pieces and dissertations on '80s pop music and the defining TV shows of our current times ('The Bachelor', 'Vanderpump Rules', etc). I can also be credited with single-handedly ruining the city of Portland, OR just by moving here.

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