I’M STILL TRYING to get over you. It’s the moon that reminds me that I’m not. I sit on rooftops now, surrounded by city lights… Everything you thought I wanted, everything I insisted I didn’t. I see that old silver orb and it only seems to cause reflections on all the gifts you gave to me; the trout from the brook stream, the silhouette of bare trees against the fall night sky, and the smell of wood smoke, black coffee, and maple syrup in the early morning. You cannot get those things here. I cannot get them without you.

I wish I would have been better for you. I wish I could have been sweeter, thinner, more. I wish I could have been ready to give you all the things you wanted. I couldn’t, and it bent you. I will always regret that. Knowing the why and why not doesn’t make it better. Feeling that, if only I could have, it would have been easier, doesn’t either.

Did I get what I deserved? Sometimes I think I did. I killed myself with changes, trying to make things better, only to end up ruining both our lives. And all of the sorrow and all of the rage, it all gravitates from the same place: the knowledge that you are not here anymore and that I still am. That I still have to be. That the one thing I want is the one thing I can never have again…to simply live a life without having to know what this feels like.

It’s like a pool of blood at the bottom of my heart. It just never seems to go away.

– “rooftops”, featured in all the things you never knew


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